Demons - Imagine Dragons
It's been a little while. I'm 26 now. Not a lot to report, I just need to say things and can't. I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I did it just to be a dick... but I didn't. I couldn't afford it and there was very little holding me together. I was really slipping. I didn't have many options. I chose the one that would make me lose the least. Amber wanted me to move to Georgetown with her.. but that meant losing my job, and Heather and Jason. I'm not willing to give up either of them. This is the first time in literally YEARS I've had a social life... and I'm not giving it up if I can avoid it. They are what kept me going. They're still what's keeping me going.
Here's the thing. Since then, I've gotten a grip on myself. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm still screaming because I'm stuck. But I've gotten enough of a grip I'm pretty sure no one can see it. How much I'm really hurting.
There are other factors too but I just can't go there right now. Things no one will ever know. No one. Ever.
On the plus side, for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly how I'm feeling. I can pin point every emotion. I know what it is, and I know where it's coming from. Maybe that's how I got a grip. I don't know. But there's a lot going on in my head.
I'm angry, sad, and scared. But they're muted by something stronger... most of the time.
I don't need to be with you. You already provide me with most of what I need. You give me emotional support. You're my friend. You spend time with me. You don't ignore me. You hug me more than anyone else ever has. You play with me. Talk to me. And just that, is more than any other man has ever done for me. And I love you. Because you're good. Not just to me, but in general. I know you've been hurt. You're scared. And you probably don't even like me like that.. and it's okay. I don't see how anyone could have ever hurt you though, because you're everything that is good. You give me hope. Not so much with you, but just in general. You make things worth it. It hurts a little.. but not as much as you'd think. Sometimes more than other times but what can ya do, right? I didn't think you'd stick around me this long. Most people don't. But every time I think it's goodbye for good.. you prove me wrong... and I've stopped waiting for it. It's a bigger deal than you'd think. I feel safe when I'm with you. And I know you're never too far away when I need you, and sometimes I really do. And you're there. There are very few things I wish were different. And they're trivial things mostly. The fact of the matter is, even without BEING with you... you make my life better. And I know I probably don't do that for you... but you should know, it means more to me than you'll ever know. I didn't expect this. I didn't think I'd ever feel even close to this way for anyone. But at this point, the only thing I can hope for... is that you'll always be my friend because you mean the world to me. I feel better when you're around. You make me feel alive... and I've been dead for years. The funny part.. you make eye contact SO much.. and it scares me a little.. but mostly because it feels like you can... see into my soul, and I'm terrified of what you'll find there. And I know that you know I love you... but I'm afraid you'll see how much if I hold your eyes for too long. I'm afraid you'll see just how much power you have over me because you could destroy me in a second. I didn't mean to give you that much power... but I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting you. I wasn't expecting to ever feel even a fraction of love ever again. I didn't know that I needed you, but I did.. and I do. And I'm so very glad to have met you... to be able to call you a friend. If that means I need to back off, or totally give up on any thought of you and I ever.. I will do my very best to try. Even though you do occasionally get on my nerves *winks*.. it's not bad though. I was surprised by it the first time.. but even that makes me smile. You're so much fun. I'm happy to feel alive. I'm happy to know you. You have no idea. And you probably never will. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm pretty sure you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You've saved me from myself, and there's no way I can ever repay you for that. You may not want my love.. but you'll always have it. In the best possible way I can give it without actually expressing any of it ever again. You told me you didn't trust yourself to be what I needed.. that I needed and deserved something good.. but what you don't know, is that you already are exactly what I need. You are good. For some reason, you don't seem to think that you are. But everyone that's ever hurt you, or made you feel like you weren't good, that you weren't enough, was catastrophically wrong. I don't deserve anyone as good as you. I deserve everything I've gotten from everyone else. Because I'M not good... but nothing would make me happier, than just knowing that you'd be happy. With whatever, who ever. Because you deserve something good. You deserve the very best.
Brandi
