And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again. Cause I have other things to fill my time. You take what's yours and I'll take what's mine. Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.

 Mumford & Sons - The Cave

I have a lot to say, and yet nothing at all. Guess I'll start with today...

So it's the 15th, meaning I had court this morning and I'm officially divorced. Officially Brandi Goddard again. Didn't bother me near as much as I expected it to. Weird.
I also quit smoking. Mostly. Not today... but Saturday. I opened a pack Saturday, and I still have most of it. I switched to this smoke juice stuff... it's flavored. I only had one real cigarette today.. and it was disgusting.. kinda made me sick to my stomach even. Plus this smoke juice stuff is going to save me a lot of money, so that's good. I think I like the Butter Rum one the most. It's pretty good.... kinda like... caramel.. but not. Lol I dunno.

So some pretty awful stuff happened. But I can't really talk about it. Saturday night. I feel like I don't really have the right to be upset about it.. because I got myself into it. But it scared the piss out of me.. and I am considerably upset... although not, at the same time. If that makes any sense. I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. As long as I don't really think about it. When I do I feel like I'm gonna breakdown but then my mind shifts to something else and I'm fine. Puck really is an amazing cat. I got home that night, showered and got into bed.. and he was right there... I laid there crying and he like... laid in front of my face and put his paw on me.. purred really loudly and he stayed there until I fell asleep. It was kind of comforting. I love him so much. He really is the best.

Through all that, what I feel the most is... disconnected. That couldn't possibly have actually happened. Maybe it was a nightmare. It probably didn't even last that long but it felt like forever. But most of all, I feel stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I'm too trusting. And I don't even know why, I mean it's not like anyone has ever done anything to gain my trust... except a few friends (girls)... but guys... why am I so quick to trust? Especially with my past... you'd think I'd have this incredible unbreakable wall of... something unbreakable. But I don't... if I have a wall at all it's made of tissue paper. And then there's the confusion. I don't understand. :( ... but it's my fault. It's all my fault because I should have just stayed home. I should just always stay home. I should stop believing anything guys say to me. I'm an idiot.

I'm going to college. Starting in January. Gonna get my financial aid stuff in sometime this week along with my admissions application to Hill. No idea what I'm going to go for though. I was going to do microbiology until I realized how much math was involved and that there was a good chance I'd have to kill/dissect animals...I can't do that. I don't touch dead things, and I can't kill anything. So now I haven't a clue. Maybe just a certificate program, but what? I was looking into ones that were TSI waived, meaning I won't have to retake the math accuplacer, OR do a developmental math class. There are only a few.. but I don't know which to go for. I have time though. She said she can still put me in classes up to a week after they start, so as long as I get my financial aid stuff set up, I'll be fine. It seems so far away. Like it won't really happen. I won't really get there. I'll never get out of this town, and I'll always be poor.

I'm so sad.. and for once, I don't even care that I'm alone. Because I don't really have anything to say. And I think my days of trust are over. From here on out, everything is suspect. Nothing is safe. That's how it should have been all along.

Brandi

If terror falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said.

The Fray - Be Still

I don't know what's wrong. Today I just feel.. disconnected. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna see anyone, I don't want anything. Nothing feels real. This is what I imagine hell would be like for me, if there is one. My hell wouldn't be fire. It would be dark, cold, and alone. It would be wandering around no where, with no one, with nothing, forever. The things that make me sad, the things that remind me of how cold the world is would be there.. silhouettes of sadness all around me. That would be my hell. Or maybe not, maybe that's reality. That's how things look to me anyway. So maybe I'm dead, and this is hell. Except there are still people here, people I love... but I still feel completely alone. Everything feels cold, and dark.. even when the sun is out.

So my brother in law went to my sisters for a week. My parents are leaving for vacation in a few days and I'll be here alone. For four days. Completely alone.. with no one. I'm an adult I should be able to handle that. But the closer it gets, the sadder I get. I don't handle being alone very well.

I don't even know how to describe with words how I feel right now. Maybe a Harry Potter reference.. Dementors. Like all the happiness has been sucked from the world, and I'll never be happy again. But thanks to my occasional brain malfunction, I can't remember what it feels like. I can't remember ever being happy a day in my life. I can't remember what anything feels like, except how I feel right now. Which is... indescribably sad.

I don't have a real reason for it. I just woke up like this today, and as the day drags on, the worse I feel. I even double dosed my gaba. It didn't work. Jon has cancer. That isn't the reason for this though. I don't even really care that he pretty much told me I shouldn't care. I did.. but I don't now. I don't care about anything. At all. I feel... totally dead inside. My life is like being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from... I don't even know that I want to wake up.

You paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.

Taylor Swift - Dear John

So that last post was a little...dramatic. I'm okay now. I was freaking out about the wrong things.. things that don't matter. I honestly don't care that much about any of that. I am really stressed out... but it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I really need to either find a second job, or just get a full time one that pays more. I'm really suffering. I can't live like this.. I know I've said that about a thousand times but it's still the truth. I'm sick of having to borrow money from my parents just so I can make my bills... I'm sick of having to live with them. I'm 25 I need to be on my own, and I have no idea how to change that. I've been looking, applying other places but no one calls.  I'm drowning here. And even if I did get better financially, then what? Move out? Alone? I'm not even sure I could handle that. Parents are going on vacation soon, I'll be alone for about a week.. what the hell am I going to do? I can't go that long without human contact and God knows no one's going to hang out with me. And why would they? I freak out every few days or so and take it out on innocent by standers. I'm not that exciting anyway.

My divorce is bothering me too. Don't get me wrong, I know it's right, and it's a good thing.. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. All I ever really wanted from my life, was to get married and have kids. I know.. why don't I just set myself back to pre-women's lib.. but still, that's what I wanted. Well I got married.. that blew up in my face horribly, and I can't have kids. So really, what's the point now? I suck at being a wife.. and I'll never be a mother. I'll never get married again.. but still I failed. I could have.. tried harder or something I don't know. I'm scared about court... and tired of being alone.. so poor I can't walk across the street and so stressed out I feel like I can't breathe about 90% of the time. Literally... It's like someones reached into my chest and are squeezing the hell out of my lungs/heart all that. It hurts. It's all I can do not to be crying all the time, so as a result.. I've been sleeping more than usual. I'm so tired anyway, but I know it's the stress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it... I don't know that there is a fix.

I spent so much time, years ago, running away. It was fun, I learned a lot.. but life follows you wherever you go. The same problems, or different ones. People have always told me... battered me with even, that things get better.. but they don't. At best, things change, to a different hell. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm.. drowning. Even my gaba stuff doesn't seem to be helping anymore. No one can help me, and I don't know how to help me, or if I can be helped.. it's scary. I just feel so bad, all the time. In general, and for bringing the people around me down with me. I don't mean to.. I just get overwhelmed and it happens. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm trying, I really am... but the point of it all.. is oblivious to me.

Brandi

I'm three steps from the edge. Don't push me over it. Don'tcha know don'tcha know? Every girl is capable of murder, if ya hurt her. Watch out you don't push me any further, any further.

Cady Groves - This Little Girl

You know what? I've had it. I'm sick to death of being jacked around and fucked with. Ex's randomly showing up... other people who have no right to speak to me anymore thinking I'll just forgive them in a heartbeat... and then there's the head games. I think I love those most of all. I don't know, it's probably just me. I'm incapable of just being friends with guys. I'm tired of having to compromise my feelings for everyone else. Why should I have to change? Why should I have to pretend I don't care? Why should I forgive anyone that's fucked me over in the past? Why should I do anything for anyone ever? It's fucking hard. I really can be a cold bitch, but I've had to be. And I will continue to do so until someone can show me I don't have to anymore. I've had it. Seriously. Someone that hurt me, needed me. Sorry, fuck off. That's pretty much what I did there. And I did it again to someone else today. Why the fuck should I give a shit about anything you say? Why should I give a shit about YOUR needs when mine were ignored? You can go fuck yourselves. I can handle a lot, I really can.. but I shouldn't have to. I think I've dealt with enough to last a life time and I just don't want to anymore. I don't LIKE having to be so cold. It upsets me to tell them to fuck off, even if I say it in a nicer way... because yes, I do care... but it doesn't change the fact that I refuse to forgive you. Because I've already forgiven you, many times, and it would be stupid to do it again. And I'm not stupid. Or maybe I am. Because for some reason I keep hoping no one else will do it, but I'm secretly just waiting for it. Because everyone disappoints eventually. I keep giving people the ability to do it... WHY!? I should just push everyone away. Take a page from other peoples books. One person does it, what's to stop anyone else right? Or maybe I could take the blame for all of it. Everything bad that happened was my fault? No. I'm sure a good portion of it was, I mean I'm 25... but people just suck in general. I spent enough time beating myself up for things that weren't my fault and I won't do it anymore. I'm tired of worrying about other people. Guys anyway. You don't give a shit about me? Fine, I don't give a shit about you either. There's only so much one person can take. The off and on bullshit... I can't do it. I won't. I'm done playing. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I just want to get on with my life. I'm about to be fucking divorced. I have enough bullshit on my plate without having to deal with head games.

I need to get as far away from this town as possible, and you can bet your ass as soon as I figure out how, I'll be gone and I won't ever look back. Fuck this shit.

You know why women are "heartless monsters"? Because we have to be, just to protect ourselves from the men like the men that have already fucked us over more than what was bearable.

Oh the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, with the words I love you rolling off my tongue.

Rod Stewart - Rhythm of My Heart <3

So there is a lot I want to say. But I shouldn't say MOST of it at least, so I think I'm going to have to refrain. At least somewhat.

I've been pretty good lately. A lot better than what's normal for me.

I filed for divorce. I can't remember if I said that already or not, but I did. We finalize October 15. Mom's going with me to court. Which is awesome, I was pretty nervous about it. I've never been in court for anything and I didn't wanna go by myself. So she offered to take off work for a few hours and go with me, because she said going to any kind of court alone sucks. <3 Thanks mommy! So anyway, filed about two weeks ago... and suddenly last week Jon wanted to "hang out". Which honestly, freaked me out kind of a lot. Why now? It's been 7 months, we've barely spoken in that time, and it's hardly been civil. But he begged and pleaded, so I went ONCE. Talked to him for a little bit, about what went wrong and things that have happened and things like that. It wasn't too bad.. it felt like closing to me. Apparently that wasn't what it was for him. He said he just wanted the time we had left with me... but there isn't any time. We may not finalize until Oct. 15.. but as far as either one of us should be concerned, it's over. He doesn't even have to go to court with me, so as far as he should be concerned, we're divorced. So anyway, he asked if we could hang out again the next day, I said no. He showed up at my work. He wouldn't take no for an answer... he said after he was done in Hillsboro, he was going to come pick me up, So I went and hid out at Thousand Trails with mom until she got off. The next day, he showed up at my work again, only a LOT earlier. Usually people being in my office for a little while is okay.. but he was there for nearly three hours, and I was actually working. I had a lot to do.. and listening to him go on about how he wanted to try again and things would be different for nearly three hours was almost more than I could handle. Partially because I don't believe things would be different, and partially because I just don't want to do it again. I hated being married, not just to him.. in general. I will never do it again. Ever. It was a mess. Finally I had to be mean and say that we were never getting back together. ever. That I was done, there was no more him and I, I wasn't going to try again, it was over. For good. He kept saying he needed me... Well I'm sorry, but I can't. He finally stopped when I stopped being nice about it. It was almost more than I could handle. But I've noticed lately, I can handle a lot more than usual. My composure the last few weeks is pretty damn awesome. I feel in control. I love it.

So to the good part. I've been spending a lot of time with a friend... that I really like. Something I said to Jon though, I think I meant it. I told him that I don't know if I could ever go into something fully again. I'm not afraid, I just don't think I have it in me to do that again. I mean, I've already said I'll never get married again and that is the truth... but I'm not 100% sure I'm even ready to date or anything. I'm not sure it would be fair. I'm a bit too guarded now. I can accept that everyone is on their own. I can't count on anyone and I'm okay with that I think. Relationships require being able to count on the other person... and I don't think I have it in me to even try to count on anyone. Which is probably why the semi distance I have going with said friend, is easier than it ordinarily would be for me. He doesn't want a relationship, and I'm okay with that. On the other hand... it's all I think about. But it occurred to me earlier, I've not had a normal relationship since high school. I mean think about it, every relationship I've been in in the last 7 years, has been jump right in with complete seriousness and live together. Malachi, was the first after high school. I met him in a fucking airport. I was moving to Alaska, had a layover in Seattle, and he was going to Washington. We were making out on the plane before it even took off. haha. Then the next few months were phone calls constantly, me moving back to Whitney, him coming to visit for a week, and then me moving to Washington...twice. That isn't healthy. The next serious one, was Johnathan. We talked ONLINE... I mean we knew each other as kids.. but we hadn't seen each other in years.. we talked online for a few months, and then I moved to Wyoming to live with him. That one actually probably almost worked but it didn't so whatever I guess. Then we moved back down here and he lived with me until we broke up. Then Jon. We didn't live together at first... but we were together all the time, then he was spending the night every night, until he finally just moved his stuff in and we got married. All of those relationships lasted two years. But not a single one of them was at all healthy. What happened to dating? I've never just dated anyone. Except in high school I guess but there was really only one. So I guess what I want, and what I'm ready for... Is a calm relationship. A normal one. I want things to be how they are now (with friend that I like) but maybe go out every once in a while... throw in some physical contact... Like hand holding, cuddling, hugging, making out, and eventually sex.. but not live together, or even see each other every day. Although the not seeing each other every day part might be a tad difficult for me.

I know this post has been pretty contradictory. I guess I'm not really sure what I want.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. I'm in a good mood, but not to extremes. OH!!! AND HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!! WOOO!!! haha. I hope you all are doing good too :). Good night.

Brandi

I'll never catch a shooting star, or call you out on who you really are. I know I'm not the one you wanna win, It's a losing game, so I'm losing it. And I'm surprised we got this far with that barricade, but I want more. I would be a fool to let you let me quit.

Cady Groves - Real With Me

It's raining today. I love the rain. I say that, I've slept all day. Like literally all day. I got up about 9am, went back to bed about 11, slept til 2:15, got back up until ... 5? And then slept til 8. I'm still tired. I could totally sleep more. But I don't know if it's the rain, or if I'm sad, or just tired. Maybe it's a combination of both. Who knows. I woke up this last time because Puck got up on my desk and laid on the keyboard, which was making my computer beep all kinds of loud. I had a lot of really weird screens to close when I got up. So before my last nap I watched this video a friend sent me... it was weird. And then after the last one I went for a drive. I wanted to drive more, but I left without enough cigarettes, oops. Oh well I guess. I probably shouldn't be wasting my gas anyway, but I'm so tired of sitting at the house.

So I think I've kept a pretty good hold on my emotions lately. I'm not 100% sure on that honestly, It feels like it to me, but I suppose you'd have to ask the people I talk to regularly. They might feel differently, who knows.

On a more positive and exciting note, HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!! <3
I realize it's only August... but the dollar store has their Halloween stuff out. I saw it a few days ago and almost had a seizure in the isle. haha. I love Halloween so much.

So on top of it raining today, the temperature was also at normal, nice proportions. I don't think it even hit 80 today and that is fucking fantastic. It's about 70 out right now. It makes it feel like fall is finally coming. I love fall so much. I know this won't last though, It's going to get hot again. This is Texas after all. It's weird though, I really love the rain, and the cool weather, and I love fall SO much it's unreal... so why do the things that I love make me so sad? Because I am. I'm trying so hard to be positive and happy right now, but I don't feel it. And it's like that every year. As soon as fall gets close, I start getting sadder than normal. It doesn't make any sense. How can something I love so much, make me so sad? I don't know, maybe it's just because I haven't had my brain vitamin in a few days.

I got sick. Mom's stomach bug or whatever. That was pretty awful. I'm better now, but I skipped my vitamins for a few days because of it. Which I suppose means I'm more susceptible to my crazy peeking it's ugly head out and ruining every ones lives. haha.

Oh!!! I filed for divorce! I have court October 15th to finalize. Cross your fingers I didn't do anything wrong and it doesn't get thrown out. lol

Also demons... everyone talking to me lately about demons is kind of freaking me out. And on that note, I'm gonna go. Have fun! Hope everyone else had a nice cool day like we did.

Brandi

Fragment ideas and too many pronouns. Stop it, come on, you're not making sense now. You can't make them want you they're all just laughing.

Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves at New Jersey

Today sucked to epic proportions. It's still early, I'm sure it'll get worse. I haven't taken it out on anyone yet though, so that's good I guess. And I went shopping, that made me feel better while I was doing it... and then I was driving home and the tears came back... and they've been off and on since I got home.

So, on to what happened.

I got paid Monday, but it wasn't right. I'm terrible at math, but fuck with my paycheck even a cent and I'm going to notice and freak out. Well this was $100 dollars off from what I thought it was going to be. Not cool, I needed that money. I stayed pretty calm, waited until I found out what happened before I started freaking out. So the lady that does my paycheck finally calls me back today. Apparently, my "raise" was not to $10 an hour like I thought. They switched me to salary without telling me. $1000 a month. Which is all well and good, except for some months, I made more than that. For instance, this month, August, if I was still being paid how I was, I would have made $1035. But nope, I'm losing that $35. So when I found out I was not getting the rest of my check... I started freaking out. I left work for about half an hour to go see mom at her job, and be hysterical. She gave me some money to do what I needed to do (and now I feel like shit), in exchange for me doing certain chores once a week all month. So I go back to work, intending to confront them, and then leave for the day. My boss was in a meeting, so I waited.... glaring at my desk, fighting back tears... for two hours. Finally by the time I get to talk to them, there's like 20 minutes left in my day. I explained the situation, they said they'd fix it. Whatever.

So then I went over to Hillsboro, got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and a bottle of perfume. That made me feel better, then I cried all the way home. On top of all that, guys. I'd rather not elaborate on that part...but it hurt. Both counts. So there's that to add to my already craptastic day.

Oh but that still isn't all of it. So I'm sitting here on the computer when I got home... being upset over the guy portion of my day, since there's really no use in being upset about the job part.... they both leave... and then my mom. I guess she absorbed my mood because she's all tears and shit too, which in turn made me cry, yet again, while trying to make HER feel better. My head hurts.

Then there's my friend (who's a girl) texting me asking if I want to sleep with this one asshole guy. I've told her for days no, HELL NO. In fact, when he asked her to ask me the first day I told her to tell him, "Not if you were the last man on earth, I'd rather fuck a cactus." and yet he still asks. Insanity. She texts me today all "why not? I know he was a dick before but blah blah blah." NO. I'm not like that anymore! I am sick of people treating me like shit! I'm sick of guys using me, and then being assholes. Why can't people just be fucking nice to me?! She's literally still arguing with me about it. What part of 'not gonna happen ever' is she not getting??? I really can't take much more of this day.

So I'm considering trying to get ahead on my car payments and just moving to Georgetown and hope I get a job quickly. I'm also considering taking Friday off, and driving down there Thursday night and spending Friday looking for a job, but it all seems kind of pointless. Not to mention, if something goes wrong then I'm really screwed.. and something will go wrong, because it always does.

I feel so incredibly alone. I probably should go to Georgetown this weekend regardless... simply because I'm desperate for human interaction. And I do miss my sister. On the other hand I feel like shit and the likely hood that I'll feel better by this weekend is slim to none. Something pretty awesome would have to happen, and I'm gonna doubt it.

Oh, I dyed my hair. Well, part of it. I got a color as close to my natural color as possible, and dyed the difference. Which means the top like 5 inches of my hair are still natural.. the rest is close. Then tomorrow mom is going to low light it for me. Should be good. 

Anyway, I don't have anything else to bitch about really, since that's pretty much all this ever is anymore. I hate my life. <3

Brandi