The scent you wear moves in lines from your apartment into mine. You act like you don't know me, my God you tempt my anxious mind.

Milo Green - 1957

So today is June 3rd. Yesterday was the end of our "trial relationship" lol. He didn't break up with me. But towards the end of the month, I didn't think he would. And this last weekend, I knew for sure he wasn't going to simply because of how he treated me. It was great. One of the best weekends of my life. And you know what I realized? I'm happy. Legitimately happy. I've never been able to say that. Ever. But I think I finally understand what happy is, where as, I didn't before.

Happiness is not everything being perfect and not having to worry about anything. Being happy is just being content with where things are. Understanding that things will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pretty damn good. For me, it's waking up in the morning and being okay with the fact that I'm awake. It's going a considerable amount of time without thinking about hurting myself just because I can, whether I'm hurting emotionally or not. It's not waiting for the bottom to drop out, just because it usually does. It's realizing that nothing is ALWAYS or FOREVER or NEVER. Because those things don't exist. It's being able to be alone, and being okay.

I have had far more good days than bad ones lately, and that is saying something. I feel better. Things are not by any means perfect, but they are good. I still think everyone lied to me. Things get better? Maybe for some people... but I don't think that's it. I think it's just... deciding things maybe aren't so bad. And instead of wondering how long it will last, I'm just going to go with it, and enjoy it. Even the things that have gotten on my nerves lately.. that's all it is. Temporary irritation, and it doesn't even seen to take that long for me to get over it in most cases.

I think Jason and I are in a good place right now. I like it, anyway. It seems to be working. I still think he's scared.. but I get it. And we seem to at least be making progress, I mean.. he's with me, right? I'm good with that. It's what I wanted, and I still want it. He really is great. He's so sweet, understanding, and just generally great. And he's literally the best cuddler ever. Sleeping with him is amazing. I love when I turn away from him, and he cuddles up to me and wraps his arms around me. It gives me chills. It's so comforting and just... euphoric. Lol. I know, dramatic... but it's true. Him touching me at all is like that for me, it's just more intense that way. General touching makes me happy... but when he holds me it's like... a jolt of positive emotion? I don't know how else to describe it. It's like nothing I've ever felt. Like...waves of... feeling. Lol. I love him. In the most pure and honest way I've ever loved anyone. He makes me happy. He makes me better.. makes me want to be better. And he talks to me. REALLY talks to me, like no one else ever has. It's quite possibly the most healthy relationship I've ever had, and I love it. He has issues, but who doesn't? He isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's exactly what I want, and need. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have his difficult self. Lol. And even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, he at least makes me feel like he does most of the time, and that's enough for me. He's a great guy. =)

Brandi

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do

Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply

So, where to start. Lol. I'll start with the bad first because there isn't so much but it is just.. horrifying.

For one, I'm sick. Pretty sure it's bronchitis. Could be pneumonia.. I've never had pneumonia, and this doesn't really feel the same as bronchitis. My lungs feel like they're full of cement, and I'm just.. fucking exhausted and my back feels like someone been beating on me with a crowbar. Also, I noticed this afternoon that my toenails and fingernails are.. grayish. Lol I asked mom about it she goes "you aren't getting enough air, that's why you're so tired too." Sadly though, that is NOT the worst news.

Do you recall, about this time last year.. I mentioned having surgery? Yeah... well here's a little refresher. I'd gotten like a.. abscess in my underarm. It got to about the size of a baseball and I couldn't put my arm down. I had a fever, couldn't stay awake, hurt to move... Finally mom MADE me go to the ER despite my protesting, where they informed me that I'd almost waited too long. It was too close to my heart to have waited so long, I was going septic (which for those of you who don't know, that means that infection was getting into my blood stream and I was essentially poisoning myself to death.). They cut it open, which fucking HURT... filled me full of antibiotics and packed it full of gauze. Told me to come back next day. Infection wasn't improved, and my fever was worse, so they pulled out the gauze, drained it some more, and shot me full of more antibiotics.. a really painful one.. in the ass... and it fucking reeked. lol and I finally started getting better. Well, I just realized? I'm getting another one. I nearly had a panic attack when I noticed it. So, I cut it open myself, got as much out as I could, and then doused it with alcohol. This should be fun.

Buuuut on to more positive things. So I did something, A little manipulative. And kind of crazy. Lol I didn't think it'd work.. but it did much to my gleeful surprise! lol. I offered Jason a "trial relationship" From May 2, to June 2. If on June 2 he decides being with me is awful or he's bored or whatever, he can break up with me and I'll drop it altogether. If he decides to stay with me, same offer applies, if at any time he wants to break up, he can, and I'll let it go. Who the hell thought he'd actually agree to that?!?! but he did. =D He's probably gonna dump my ass on June 2nd... lol but at least I have the month. And maybe.. hopefully.. he won't. He's muh boyfriend =D hehehehehehehe.

So this weekend, he took me to see Iron Man 3, and we ate at Fudruckers. It was a lot of fun. Hit up Hastings and Hobby Lobby too. He didn't like Iron Man because "the villian was just as bad as bane in the new Batman, and it didn't follow the comic... my fanboy is curled up crying right now." Lol.. He's so cute when movies stress him out. And he spent the night again, which is always guaranteed to make me very happy. He's awesome to sleep with. He did hog the covers this time, but it's okay because I have a spare I usually cuddle with lol, so I just pulled it over me when I got cold and snuggled closer to him.. he's like a furnace. lol. But oh man it's... perfection. He holds me so tight. Just wish he'd kiss me more. And he doesn't like hand holding.. which makes me a little sad, but I can live without the hand holding. The sex is fucking amazing. Lol.

All in all, I'm in a much better mood than I have any right to be considering I'm sick and have another one of those things. Maybe it won't get bad this time though. I'll just watch it really carefully and what-not. Or maybe I got it because I'm sick. Who knows. I've also been on my period for 7 fucking days to add insult to injury. But no cramps luckily, so it's more annoying than anything. See? In a much better mood than I have any right to be. But I am exhausted. I've been awake for like two hours and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. So I think it's time for bed here pretty quick. Hope y'all are doing good too. :)

Brandi

What's it gonna be 'cuz I can't pretend. Don't you want to be more than friends? Hold me tight and don't let go. Don't let go, you have the right to lose control. Don't let go. I often tell myself that we could be more than just friends. I know you think that if we move too soon it would all end. I live in misery when you're not around.

En Vogue - Don't Let Go

I'm too indecisive. I change my mind too often. It's not that I mean to, just my feelings change constantly. What I feel in regards to something one day, can be the total opposite the next. I hate it. I'm sure it frustrates the hell out of everyone else too but I don't know how to control it. I don't know how to just.. be okay with something when I'm not okay with it.. even if I was okay with it before. Wanna guess where this is going? *sighs*.

You ever ask a question you KNOW you don't want the answer to? I did that. Knowing full well the answer could potentially really upset me. And I thought I was prepared for it. But I threw up. That's how much it got to me. Which is ridiculous. I do not have the right to be upset about it. Not even a little. But I was. I am. To the point even, I think I know what needs to be done. I considered pulling ultimatums. But that isn't a good idea. Instead I'm going to do something less painful, less damaging... but probably much much harder. It's going to take a lot of will power. And it's still really going to hurt. But I think I'm upset enough to pull it off. At least for a while. As we all know, I don't really stay mad at people for long unless it's a serious offence... or a repetitive one. And like I said, I don't have the right to be upset about this. But I quit. I'm gonna just not talk to him for a while. No matter what. Even if he asks me a direct question. Unless it's something regarding being with me, I need to be gone to him for a while. I need to try to get over him because although he's amazing and wonderful and I want him in my life together or not... I need to try to stop because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to be patient. I'm not a patient person. This has gone on for way too long. Every time I think progress is being made.. I have to go ask a stupid fucking question that shows me that.. no.. probably no progress is being made. You're stupid and making shit up to make yourself feel better and all it's doing is hurting you more. Good job, Brandi. Excellent. Be with me, or don't. I can't do both ways anymore. I can't do this in between crap because it's confusing and it hurts. And since he doesn't want to be with me, and he likes being single so much... fine. But you're completely single. Because I'm out. I hope it was worth it.

Brandi

Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard? It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I’ll tell you one thing, It’s always better when we’re together.

Jack Johnson - Better Together

I had, quite possibly, the best weekend of my life. Not fairy tale best, but real best. And this morning I realized things. Things that both make me very happy, and scare the living hell out of me.

Divorce sucked, more than I've been willing to admit. I thought that I was good with it. We weren't meant to be together and that was okay. And my level of upset about the situation had nothing to do with losing him. But everything to do with me failing at something that should not have been failed. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in divorce unless there are extenuating circumstances. And by that I mean things like abuse or whatever. And that wasn't the case for me. He never hit me and he never would have. So my reasoning was not good enough, and I knew it. But the fact of the matter was we never should have gone through with marriage in the first place. And I decided I would absolutely never ever go through that again. For any reason. I'd convinced myself that marriage in general was just a really bad idea for me, and not something that I personally should ever do. I believed that with all my being. I believed I'd never want it again, or even consider considering it. Not. Going. To. Happen. Ever.

I was wrong. Again.

I gotta tell you, I'm really getting tired of being wrong. Lol. It's way too common an occurrence  but hey, at least I can admit it, right? But, I'm going to tell you about my weekend, and then I'll get to my point.

So, Jason asked me to go with him to Scarborough Fair this weekend. I hate that place with a fiery passion, but anything with Jason is fun so I was good with it. I could probably literally go to hell and as long as he was there, I'd be good. Maybe hell is a bad example... I wouldn't want him there... it'd be stressful. Anyway, you get my point. It was... better than I could have hoped for. It was a lot of fun. But I have a hard time thinking about it too much because... well my brain likes to do things and flip things and then it becomes more than what it is and gets me into trouble. Either way, it was a lot of fun, and not just because he was there, although it probably would have been awful without him.. like most things are. So after Scarborough, we drive back to Hillsboro, and he's getting a TV for me from a friend of his. It's a big fucking TV. He got a little mad about the state of my car... (pretty messy lol) but in all fairness I DID tell him it wasn't going to fit... it did end up fitting but again.. he got pretty mad... I'm cleaning out my car this afternoon. It'll never be like that again. And in all fairness it would have been fine if he hadn't had to open the back.. which is where all the mess was. haha. I never finished totally unpacking my car when I moved back into the parents... but most of it can be tossed. So they load the TV into my car, and we hung out there for a while, then stopped by his house, he got his car, and we drove back to my house. Somehow I got him to stay the night. He's never stayed with me before. And even that was better than I could have hoped for. I haven't slept in the same bed with anyone else in... oh god.... a really long time. And as much as I hate sleeping alone, sleeping with other people has always been weird for me. Someone else jackin' all the covers, guys tend to run hot and I like to be a little cold when I sleep, and nearly every guy that has ever slept with me SNORES like all hell. Needless to say, I rarely actually get any sleep when someone else is with me. Also, I usually like to cuddle at first but then I roll to the other side of the bed and don't touch the rest of the night. That is how I sleep with other people. Together, but alone otherwise, I don't really sleep. I doze. This was not the case with him. He is very hot, but I was okay with it. He isn't loud, isn't a cover hog, and he held me all night, tightly. I've never felt so safe and comfortable in my life. I slept better than I have in a really long time. And waking up with him there was the best thing ever. So I made him pancakes. Lol which.. was awkward as hell but I'm not used to waking up with people there. I was also kicking myself for not having more suitable breakfast foods, like bacon.. but I'm not a big breakfast person. Lol. I'd actually considered going out and getting us breakfast.. but he was parked behind me and I didn't wanna wake him up until I had food for him. I let him sleep until about 1. That was the longest consecutive time we've spent together since we met. 24.5 hours. The best 24.5 hours of my life. Aside from him being mad at me about my car. Lol.

So the realization I've come to... which actually I came to it a few weeks ago but it hit me harder today, is that although I'll never have to, I would consider it. I almost even want it. I don't think it would be a disaster like before. He talked to me about it once. I was thinking about going to the doctor to find out for sure if I can have kids before my insurance ran out (I didn't get to though). I told him I was scared. There were only two things I wanted from my life and the first already blew up in my face. If I couldn't have the 2nd, I really had no reason to be. He told me he didn't believe in marriage either for the most part, but it blew up in my face because I did it for the wrong reasons. It wasn't "Oh hey, I really love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them." It was.. convenience. And that's why it was so bad. But he was right. There is nothing convenient about marriage. It should NEVER be entered into that lightly. And to be honest, I probably would not have gone through with it... but I was trying to make a point. I'd been engaged before, and never went through with it. No one thought I'd go through with it that time either. I seriously did consider calling it off, I knew it was a bad idea. But I'm stubborn. And stupid. Lol.

I had another point other than that. Another realization, if you will. I fall for people pretty easily. Any of you who know me well, know that. I trust too easily, I fall too easily, and I don't see anything wrong at all with guys I really care about, really until it's too late. It's too... extreme, much like everything else is for me. But as I get older things are becoming clearer, sort of. Sometimes more so than others. In this case it was kind of the same. But not. You see, I've met other guys. Even since I met Jason. Ordinarily, if I can find someone else to attach to (which usually isn't difficult), I can move on from whoever it is I'm wanting that doesn't want me back. That isn't the case this time. I literally want nothing to do with anyone else. Nothing. The thought of anyone else even, kind of makes me sick. No one holds a candle to him. But the good part, the healthy part to this, is that I don't usually find fault in guys I'm into. Not for a few months. It's been seven. For one, that's an unusually long time for me to be focused on one person who doesn't want me back, even for me. I can see his...flaws? if you will. But rather than ignoring it, or pretending they aren't there... it's part of what makes me love him. He's a neurotic, pain in the ass. He frustrates the hell out of me and about half the time he's got me so confused I'd just like to strangle him. But I would literally do anything for him. Be anything, for him. Anything. But the realization I came to, that surprised me, other than knowing that if it came to it, I think I would in fact do the thing I said I never would, is that it doesn't feel the same. Don't get me wrong, it's crazy intense. But it... doesn't feel... wrong? Everyone else, on some level I knew wasn't right. I'd make excuses for them, or ignore things, and it just wasn't healthy in general. And he may not be right either, I mean dude isn't even with me lol... but the way I feel for once doesn't feel unhealthy. It feels right to me. And I know that even if nothing ever comes of it, and it's bound not to, as long as I know that he's happy with his life, I will be okay with mine. The thought of him not being in my life literally makes me feel sick... but if there is a time when that is what is right for him, I would gladly step away and take whatever devastation came with that. As long as it meant that he was happy.

I'm not a take things slow kind of girl. I'm not a planner. I'm impatient and kind of crazy. I rarely know what I want. And even when I think I know what I want? I usually don't. Lol. But in this case, I do. I have not only surprised myself, but I surprised Heather too. My behavior towards him and our situation, is not normal for me. But it is an improvement. He's helping me more than he knows, just by being whatever he is to me. I only wish I could do the same for him, I'm hoping just being around is enough until he can tell me what he needs. Anytime I think about my future? He's in it somehow. The days when I expected every little thing to drive him away like it does most people, are gone. I'm no longer afraid if I say the wrong thing he's going to bale because I think on some level he DOES need me as much as I need him. Or at least close to. Maybe. I hope so lol. Occasionally I kid myself into believing I won't let this go like this forever. Eventually I'll give him a final ultimatum and when he tells me, again, that he just can't, I'll move on. I'd like to believe I could do that. I'd like to believe that if I really needed to, I could give him up. But I don't think that is the case anymore. I don't think I can walk away, or even do anything that would jeopardize whatever it is we have together. I am completely and irrevocably in love with him. And honestly? That kind of scares the piss out of me. Some aspects more so than others...see above... but also that it's... unrequited. I know that he cares. But I don't know how much, or if it'll ever be enough to be.. anything. I have more hope than what is probably healthy. But for the most part I'm happy with how things are with us. He treats us like a relationship sort of, just without the.. title?... and very rare kissing, but it's okay. He's everything I want and need. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. He makes me happy. And that above all else, is the biggest deal of all. He makes the pain I feel everyday, barely a blimp on my radar, he makes me happy with myself, and when he holds me, or hugs me he makes me feel safe. Sometimes the way he looks at me tells me he cares more than he lets on, but I don't know if it's real or imagined. It doesn't really matter. I love him enough for the both of us.

The part that bothers me though, is that I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have let him know how much I cared. I'm glad he knows that I do... but I think I told him too much. I just don't like people not knowing how I feel about them. What if something happens? That isn't pessimism. Life is hard and bad things happen everyday.. A lot of people die without ever knowing how much they mean to someone. I try to make sure everyone in my life knows I care for them, just in case. But I sometimes over share. Lol. Like I just did up there ^^. That was some serious over sharing. But hey, this is MY blog. I do what I want. Lol If you don't like it, don't read it. ;)

But while I'm saying things I never ever should have. (Although, it is helpful for me I think).

I really love this person. And I think I would want to spend the rest of my life with him if it came to that. Not out of convenience, or to prove a point, but because I love him and I want to wake up next to him everyday. Because I want to get mad him and him be mad at me and know that it'll be okay and we'll both get over it. Because I want to get to fight for him everyday and know that he's fighting too. I want to look at him when we're old and know that we did our best and loved each other the best way we knew how, and we didn't give up because it was hard. I would want that. Some day. Probably many years from now, but still. I would.

I think I've gone on enough about that. Lol. Sorry peoples. haha. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month/whatever! Lol love ya!

Brandi

But what is this that I can't see, with ice cold hands taking hold of me. When God is gone and the Devil takes hold, who will have mercy on your soul?

O' Death - Jen Titus

For once, the song doesn't really reflect how I'm feeling. I just really like it.

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I moved back in with my parents. Come to think of it, I think I remember mentioning it. So there's that. But I have more bills so instead of being in the hole every month, I break even. Barely. To add fuel to the stress, something is wrong with me. I don't know what it is I'm probably dying or something. I feel sick to my stomach about 70% of the time, at random ass times. Usually first thing in the morning, then a few hours into the day I'm okay, and then I feel sick again in the afternoon. Every few days I actually throw up in the morning... there were a few days there I was throwing up even in the afternoon. I'm hungry all the time. And the last few days I have to pee constantly. I wake up 2-3 times every night and have to go so bad I'm usually dreaming about it. I'm actually a little surprised I haven't wet the bed yet. That's.. awful but still. I'm not overly thirsty.. I haven't been drinking any more than usual. It doesn't hurt to pee... I don't understand. Mom said maybe I'm diabetic but she always says that, someone checks my blood sugar, and i'm always fine. Occasionally it's a little low, but not often and it's NEVER been high. So that isn't it. And then there's the tired. I've been finding it difficult to get through a day without a nap last few weeks. And right now even. I got plenty of sleep, how could I possibly still be tired??

Other than all that I'm okay though. I have ups and downs... like usual. And of course the people in my life threaten me for the downs. Like I have a whole lot of control over that. Seriously.

Puck turned two. He's a gigantic pain in my ass, but I love him, so much lol. And I do mean gigantic. Lol don't get me wrong.. he's losing weight because he's on a diet... but he's such a fat little thing. lol.

So I was playing with the school idea again. Trying to figure out what I can do because everything I WANT to do, requires a doctorate. Microbiology specializing in Virology - Doctorate. Volcanologist - Doctorate, at least. So what else is there? I like storms... storm chaser? Nope. It doesn't require a doctorate, and I read doesn't even really require school. But it's hard to get into and pays crap unless you have a butt load of experience and even then it's not much. So that's out. You know what occurred to me? I'm big on risk. Think about it, I've done some really crazy things. I moved to Washington, twice, with nothing, and dating someone I didn't even really know. Then I moved to Wyoming, sort of on a whim. I mean, it was planned, but the person I was moving in with hadn't talked to me in two weeks when I left anyway. That was really stupid.. I mean it turned out okay but it was still really stupid. And then there are my desired career choices. All of which would literally put my life in danger every day. I don't want to do them because I have a death wish, it's just exciting. Those are the things that hold my interest. The wrath of nature. Nature is so badass. Diseases, natural disasters.. what is more interesting than that?! So then I got to thinking, okay well.. what ELSE is there? When I was really really into the photography thing, I didn't like people photography.. I like the nature/landscape time. So what if I combined the other things I like, with that?! Get pictures of landscapes, volcanoes, storms..AND get to travel!!! now THAT would be cool. No school required. All I need is badass camera, and money to travel. But that's the problem now, isn't it? I don't have a badass camera. I can't afford a badass camera, and I can't afford to drive across the street much less anywhere cool.  So I'm playing the lottery again. Because that is the only way that particular dream, will ever happen. At least at that point it won't make any difference if I ever actually make any money from my pictures because I won't need it. It'll just be like.. a fun little hobby. I imagine that would make me very happy. I'd get pretty lonely so I'd have to have someone go with me. But I think I could be really happy doing that. Traveling all over, finding awesome stuff and taking pictures. Plus, I really wanna see lava. Not hard dried cooled lava... I wanna see flowing/exploding lava. And a tornado. Seriously I live in freaking Texas and I've never seen a tornado. Lame. Those are my goals in life, even if I never hit the lotto and get to do my risky travel photography stuffs, I want to see lava, and a tornado.

I want to see all 50 states too. Each state has something cool to offer, and I wanna see it. I'd like to travel outside the country too but being more realistic, I just wanna visit every state, at least once. I've already got several out of the way but... I wanna go again. Lol. Texas, Colorado, Washington, Wyoming, Kansas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Illinois, Alaska, Nevada, New Mexico, and Arizona. According to mom I've been across the California line too, but I don't remember that. I also suppose by the reasoning of, I've been to Illinois and we were driving, I've probably been in Missouri too, but I don't remember so it doesn't count. Lol.

Anyway, that's that. I don't really have anything to say. I'm okay, for the most part. Nothing good to report, but nothing really bad either. I'm just.. here. But I need to get to work, so I'm gonna go.

Brandi

Mary, Mary quite contrary we're so bored until we're buried, and just like dust we settle in this town. On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go, where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round.

Kacey Musgraves - Merry Go 'Round

I'm having a hard time today. I stayed downstairs with Amber and them until they left because I never get to see them... but it took a lot to do it. I really just wanted to be alone all day. Even when mom got home. I watched TV with her for a bit, but I wanted to be upstairs alone... should have just sat upstairs alone... because now that I am alone, I feel worse. I don't wanna talk to anyone.. so every conversation I've had today has been incredibly short. I love my friends and family very much... but sometimes I wish it was just me... totally alone. Then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about my thoughts.. or about how I feel. I'm lonely. and I realize it would be more lonely if it was like that... but maybe I wouldn't know what I was missing. I don't know. That didn't make sense.

It's so hot up here. Dwight said he was going to fix the toilet this weekend.. and I was hoping he'd put up my A/C.. but he didn't do either. Jason and Julie put up the screen door for me so I could leave the glass one open... but it fell off this morning. Window in my room doesn't open... the one in the bathroom is open but it's on the other side of the apartment and isn't doing me any good. I shit you not it's like 85 in here. I don't like it. Plus I've killed like 6 spiders in here today, and I haven't even been up here much. I wonder how many I haven't spotted yet. I need to fog up here... but I don't have anywhere for Puck to be while I do that. Also I don't want to have to wash ALL my dishes again.. I already did that once and it took forever.

I'm so fucking depressed today. I don't even know why. I just woke up feeling.. terrible. I want to cry, but I can't for some reason. I know I'd feel better, but the tears won't come. I'll probably just go to bed soon. I don't have anything else to do anyway and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow either. I can't think of anything that'd make me feel better even.. like.. there's nothing I want. I just don't.. care? Everything just seems incredibly pointless. Totally withdrawing from everything seems like a good idea. Maybe I'll just stop talking to everyone for a while.

Brandi

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.

Demons - Imagine Dragons

It's been a little while. I'm 26 now. Not a lot to report, I just need to say things and can't. I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I did it just to be a dick... but I didn't. I couldn't afford it and there was very little holding me together. I was really slipping. I didn't have many options. I chose the one that would make me lose the least. Amber wanted me to move to Georgetown with her.. but that meant losing my job, and Heather and Jason. I'm not willing to give up either of them. This is the first time in literally YEARS I've had a social life... and I'm not giving it up if I can avoid it. They are what kept me going. They're still what's keeping me going.

Here's the thing. Since then, I've gotten a grip on myself. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm still screaming because I'm stuck. But I've gotten enough of a grip I'm pretty sure no one can see it. How much I'm really hurting.

There are other factors too but I just can't go there right now. Things no one will ever know. No one. Ever.

On the plus side, for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly how I'm feeling. I can pin point every emotion. I know what it is, and I know where it's coming from. Maybe that's how I got a grip. I don't know. But there's a lot going on in my head.

I'm angry, sad, and scared. But they're muted by something stronger... most of the time.

I don't need to be with you. You already provide me with most of what I need. You give me emotional support. You're my friend. You spend time with me. You don't ignore me. You hug me more than anyone else ever has. You play with me. Talk to me. And just that, is more than any other man has ever done for me. And I love you. Because you're good. Not just to me, but in general. I know you've been hurt. You're scared. And you probably don't even like me like that.. and it's okay. I don't see how anyone could have ever hurt you though, because you're everything that is good. You give me hope. Not so much with you, but just in general. You make things worth it. It hurts a little.. but not as much as you'd think. Sometimes more than other times but what can ya do, right? I didn't think you'd stick around me this long. Most people don't. But every time I think it's goodbye for good.. you prove me wrong... and I've stopped waiting for it. It's a bigger deal than you'd think. I feel safe when I'm with you. And I know you're never too far away when I need you, and sometimes I really do. And you're there. There are very few things I wish were different. And they're trivial things mostly. The fact of the matter is, even without BEING with you... you make my life better. And I know I probably don't do that for you... but you should know, it means more to me than you'll ever know. I didn't expect this. I didn't think I'd ever feel even close to this way for anyone. But at this point, the only thing I can hope for... is that you'll always be my friend because you mean the world to me. I feel better when you're around. You make me feel alive... and I've been dead for years. The funny part.. you make eye contact SO much.. and it scares me a little.. but mostly because it feels like you can... see into my soul, and I'm terrified of what you'll find there. And I know that you know I love you... but I'm afraid you'll see how much if I hold your eyes for too long. I'm afraid you'll see just how much power you have over me because you could destroy me in a second. I didn't mean to give you that much power... but I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting you. I wasn't expecting to ever feel even a fraction of love ever again. I didn't know that I needed you, but I did.. and I do. And I'm so very glad to have met you... to be able to call you a friend. If that means I need to back off, or totally give up on any thought of you and I ever.. I will do my very best to try. Even though you do occasionally get on my nerves *winks*.. it's not bad though. I was surprised by it the first time.. but even that makes me smile. You're so much fun. I'm happy to feel alive. I'm happy to know you. You have no idea. And you probably never will. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm pretty sure you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You've saved me from myself, and there's no way I can ever repay you for that. You may not want my love.. but you'll always have it. In the best possible way I can give it without actually expressing any of it ever again. You told me you didn't trust yourself to be what I needed.. that I needed and deserved something good.. but what you don't know, is that you already are exactly what I need. You are good. For some reason, you don't seem to think that you are. But everyone that's ever hurt you, or made you feel like you weren't good, that you weren't enough, was catastrophically wrong. I don't deserve anyone as good as you. I deserve everything I've gotten from everyone else. Because I'M not good... but nothing would make me happier, than just knowing that you'd be happy. With whatever, who ever. Because you deserve something good. You deserve the very best.

Brandi