Jack Johnson - Better Together
I had, quite possibly, the best weekend of my life. Not fairy tale best, but real best. And this morning I realized things. Things that both make me very happy, and scare the living hell out of me.
Divorce sucked, more than I've been willing to admit. I thought that I was good with it. We weren't meant to be together and that was okay. And my level of upset about the situation had nothing to do with losing him. But everything to do with me failing at something that should not have been failed. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in divorce unless there are extenuating circumstances. And by that I mean things like abuse or whatever. And that wasn't the case for me. He never hit me and he never would have. So my reasoning was not good enough, and I knew it. But the fact of the matter was we never should have gone through with marriage in the first place. And I decided I would absolutely never ever go through that again. For any reason. I'd convinced myself that marriage in general was just a really bad idea for me, and not something that I personally should ever do. I believed that with all my being. I believed I'd never want it again, or even consider considering it. Not. Going. To. Happen. Ever.
I was wrong. Again.
I gotta tell you, I'm really getting tired of being wrong. Lol. It's way too common an occurrence but hey, at least I can admit it, right? But, I'm going to tell you about my weekend, and then I'll get to my point.
So, Jason asked me to go with him to Scarborough Fair this weekend. I hate that place with a fiery passion, but anything with Jason is fun so I was good with it. I could probably literally go to hell and as long as he was there, I'd be good. Maybe hell is a bad example... I wouldn't want him there... it'd be stressful. Anyway, you get my point. It was... better than I could have hoped for. It was a lot of fun. But I have a hard time thinking about it too much because... well my brain likes to do things and flip things and then it becomes more than what it is and gets me into trouble. Either way, it was a lot of fun, and not just because he was there, although it probably would have been awful without him.. like most things are. So after Scarborough, we drive back to Hillsboro, and he's getting a TV for me from a friend of his. It's a big fucking TV. He got a little mad about the state of my car... (pretty messy lol) but in all fairness I DID tell him it wasn't going to fit... it did end up fitting but again.. he got pretty mad... I'm cleaning out my car this afternoon. It'll never be like that again. And in all fairness it would have been fine if he hadn't had to open the back.. which is where all the mess was. haha. I never finished totally unpacking my car when I moved back into the parents... but most of it can be tossed. So they load the TV into my car, and we hung out there for a while, then stopped by his house, he got his car, and we drove back to my house. Somehow I got him to stay the night. He's never stayed with me before. And even that was better than I could have hoped for. I haven't slept in the same bed with anyone else in... oh god.... a really long time. And as much as I hate sleeping alone, sleeping with other people has always been weird for me. Someone else jackin' all the covers, guys tend to run hot and I like to be a little cold when I sleep, and nearly every guy that has ever slept with me SNORES like all hell. Needless to say, I rarely actually get any sleep when someone else is with me. Also, I usually like to cuddle at first but then I roll to the other side of the bed and don't touch the rest of the night. That is how I sleep with other people. Together, but alone otherwise, I don't really sleep. I doze. This was not the case with him. He is very hot, but I was okay with it. He isn't loud, isn't a cover hog, and he held me all night, tightly. I've never felt so safe and comfortable in my life. I slept better than I have in a really long time. And waking up with him there was the best thing ever. So I made him pancakes. Lol which.. was awkward as hell but I'm not used to waking up with people there. I was also kicking myself for not having more suitable breakfast foods, like bacon.. but I'm not a big breakfast person. Lol. I'd actually considered going out and getting us breakfast.. but he was parked behind me and I didn't wanna wake him up until I had food for him. I let him sleep until about 1. That was the longest consecutive time we've spent together since we met. 24.5 hours. The best 24.5 hours of my life. Aside from him being mad at me about my car. Lol.
So the realization I've come to... which actually I came to it a few weeks ago but it hit me harder today, is that although I'll never have to, I would consider it. I almost even want it. I don't think it would be a disaster like before. He talked to me about it once. I was thinking about going to the doctor to find out for sure if I can have kids before my insurance ran out (I didn't get to though). I told him I was scared. There were only two things I wanted from my life and the first already blew up in my face. If I couldn't have the 2nd, I really had no reason to be. He told me he didn't believe in marriage either for the most part, but it blew up in my face because I did it for the wrong reasons. It wasn't "Oh hey, I really love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them." It was.. convenience. And that's why it was so bad. But he was right. There is nothing convenient about marriage. It should NEVER be entered into that lightly. And to be honest, I probably would not have gone through with it... but I was trying to make a point. I'd been engaged before, and never went through with it. No one thought I'd go through with it that time either. I seriously did consider calling it off, I knew it was a bad idea. But I'm stubborn. And stupid. Lol.
I had another point other than that. Another realization, if you will. I fall for people pretty easily. Any of you who know me well, know that. I trust too easily, I fall too easily, and I don't see anything wrong at all with guys I really care about, really until it's too late. It's too... extreme, much like everything else is for me. But as I get older things are becoming clearer, sort of. Sometimes more so than others. In this case it was kind of the same. But not. You see, I've met other guys. Even since I met Jason. Ordinarily, if I can find someone else to attach to (which usually isn't difficult), I can move on from whoever it is I'm wanting that doesn't want me back. That isn't the case this time. I literally want nothing to do with anyone else. Nothing. The thought of anyone else even, kind of makes me sick. No one holds a candle to him. But the good part, the healthy part to this, is that I don't usually find fault in guys I'm into. Not for a few months. It's been seven. For one, that's an unusually long time for me to be focused on one person who doesn't want me back, even for me. I can see his...flaws? if you will. But rather than ignoring it, or pretending they aren't there... it's part of what makes me love him. He's a neurotic, pain in the ass. He frustrates the hell out of me and about half the time he's got me so confused I'd just like to strangle him. But I would literally do anything for him. Be anything, for him. Anything. But the realization I came to, that surprised me, other than knowing that if it came to it, I think I would in fact do the thing I said I never would, is that it doesn't feel the same. Don't get me wrong, it's crazy intense. But it... doesn't feel... wrong? Everyone else, on some level I knew wasn't right. I'd make excuses for them, or ignore things, and it just wasn't healthy in general. And he may not be right either, I mean dude isn't even with me lol... but the way I feel for once doesn't feel unhealthy. It feels right to me. And I know that even if nothing ever comes of it, and it's bound not to, as long as I know that he's happy with his life, I will be okay with mine. The thought of him not being in my life literally makes me feel sick... but if there is a time when that is what is right for him, I would gladly step away and take whatever devastation came with that. As long as it meant that he was happy.
I'm not a take things slow kind of girl. I'm not a planner. I'm impatient and kind of crazy. I rarely know what I want. And even when I think I know what I want? I usually don't. Lol. But in this case, I do. I have not only surprised myself, but I surprised Heather too. My behavior towards him and our situation, is not normal for me. But it is an improvement. He's helping me more than he knows, just by being whatever he is to me. I only wish I could do the same for him, I'm hoping just being around is enough until he can tell me what he needs. Anytime I think about my future? He's in it somehow. The days when I expected every little thing to drive him away like it does most people, are gone. I'm no longer afraid if I say the wrong thing he's going to bale because I think on some level he DOES need me as much as I need him. Or at least close to. Maybe. I hope so lol. Occasionally I kid myself into believing I won't let this go like this forever. Eventually I'll give him a final ultimatum and when he tells me, again, that he just can't, I'll move on. I'd like to believe I could do that. I'd like to believe that if I really needed to, I could give him up. But I don't think that is the case anymore. I don't think I can walk away, or even do anything that would jeopardize whatever it is we have together. I am completely and irrevocably in love with him. And honestly? That kind of scares the piss out of me. Some aspects more so than others...see above... but also that it's... unrequited. I know that he cares. But I don't know how much, or if it'll ever be enough to be.. anything. I have more hope than what is probably healthy. But for the most part I'm happy with how things are with us. He treats us like a relationship sort of, just without the.. title?... and very rare kissing, but it's okay. He's everything I want and need. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. He makes me happy. And that above all else, is the biggest deal of all. He makes the pain I feel everyday, barely a blimp on my radar, he makes me happy with myself, and when he holds me, or hugs me he makes me feel safe. Sometimes the way he looks at me tells me he cares more than he lets on, but I don't know if it's real or imagined. It doesn't really matter. I love him enough for the both of us.
The part that bothers me though, is that I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have let him know how much I cared. I'm glad he knows that I do... but I think I told him too much. I just don't like people not knowing how I feel about them. What if something happens? That isn't pessimism. Life is hard and bad things happen everyday.. A lot of people die without ever knowing how much they mean to someone. I try to make sure everyone in my life knows I care for them, just in case. But I sometimes over share. Lol. Like I just did up there ^^. That was some serious over sharing. But hey, this is MY blog. I do what I want. Lol If you don't like it, don't read it. ;)
But while I'm saying things I never ever should have. (Although, it is helpful for me I think).
I really love this person. And I think I would want to spend the rest of my life with him if it came to that. Not out of convenience, or to prove a point, but because I love him and I want to wake up next to him everyday. Because I want to get mad him and him be mad at me and know that it'll be okay and we'll both get over it. Because I want to get to fight for him everyday and know that he's fighting too. I want to look at him when we're old and know that we did our best and loved each other the best way we knew how, and we didn't give up because it was hard. I would want that. Some day. Probably many years from now, but still. I would.
I think I've gone on enough about that. Lol. Sorry peoples. haha. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month/whatever! Lol love ya!
Brandi
