Maybe one day you'll understand why, everything you touch surely dies. But you only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart. 'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast.

Passenger - Let Her Go

He wanted me to come say goodbye, since I refuse to be his friend (I just.. can't... I can't even look at anything in my room without breaking down..). So I went. Against the recommendation of my mother and my friend (She's barely left my side... I love her)...

 The plan was, be cold. If he hugs you, don't hug back, don't cry, don't beg, just be calm, and cold. And I was doing really well... for a few minutes. I bought sunglasses on the way over so if I did start to cry I could hide it a little better. We were both silent. He just stared at me. His eyes teared up. Mine stayed dry. Finally he said "say something.." I said, "I don't know what you want me to say. I've already said everything that needed to be said." He cried. He hugged me.. and cried into my hair. My resolve slipped. Tears fell. I didn't hug him back. Just stood there stiff with my head pulled back. I held my breath so it wouldn't catch. So he wouldn't know I was upset. I've never seen him cry. He told me he never cries. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of there so badly... he asked me to come in, I said no. So he went in to get a jacket (for Texas, it's unnaturally cold.) I was shaking. But not because I was cold. I have an awesome coat. Finally he was all "Please come at least into the living room, its cold." Fine. So I go in. More staring. Crying. He stopped letting me go and was just holding on to me crying... there was some talking but I can't really remember what was said in the beginning. But I lost it. I was crying so hard I had to hug him back just to stay on my feet. The kind of crying that makes it feel like your chest is going to collapse. I was crying that I was sorry. He kept saying this wasn't my fault. I said mean cold things occasionally. I even apologized for the other day when I told him he needed to grow the fuck up. He said I was right, he does need to grow up. More crying. More talking. He just stared at me. I was hungry and asked if he wanted to go grab something to eat. He asked if I wanted sit down or fast food... I said "I don't care. This is the last time you're ever going to see me. So it's your decision. Do you wanna make this quick, or drag it out." His eyes teared up. We went to a sit down... he insisted on paying.. in fact, ripped the check out of my hand and ran up to pay it real quick. We were pretty calm at the restaurant, though we both just pretty much picked at the food... he tried to play footsie with me.. and wouldn't stop staring. So after, we're in the car. He's looking really sad, and at this point, I'm not ready for it to be over... so I ask if he wants to go to Walmart with me. He does. The WHOLE time we're in Walmart, his hands are in my pockets, he's kissing my head, and smelling my hair, telling me my hair smells good, holding on to my waist. He was touching me in some way the WHOLE time. We're done, get back to his house. We sat in the car for nearly 3 hours after Walmart. Talking. Crying. Hugging. Him holding my hands, playing with my hair, rubbing my back... He keeps saying he doesn't want me out of his life. I keep saying I can't be his friend. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me, and he's so sorry he just isn't ready, and some days he wakes up and life with me is really possible..and other days he wakes up and isn't sure he wants to be with me at all, and it isn't fair to me. It's not fair to me. He loves and cares about me (closest thing to "I love you" he'd ever said). I just.. lose it. I begged. I would have done anything for you. I will, I'll stop smoking, I'll go out, I promise I'll go out and do things and leave the house I'll do whatever you want just anything whatever you want I'm so sorry please don't do this it hurts it hurts more than anything I can't take it please don't do this... He said he could take it all back.. I said no. Because I can't live with him not being sure. I can't get back into that knowing he could leave me any day all over again and I’d have to do this all over again. He tells me that maybe someday when he gets his head straight he'll show up at my door and maybe we’ll start over. I don't want to hear that. He kissed me. I cried. He cried.... lots of crying. So finally, It's midnight. We both work in the morning and I have cold stuff in my car that is no longer all that cold. It's time for goodbye. He kissed me, like he never has before. And gets out of the car. I got out too. I hugged him. I said "I love you, so much. And I'm really going to miss you. Goodbye, Jason." And started to turn. He grabs my arm, whips me back around, says "I love you too" and I kissed him, he kissed me back, hard. I was shocked. Got back into my car. Covered my face with my hands to cry. Tap on my window, I look up. He mouths "This isn't goodbye." and walks to his door, and I go home. 

What in the actual FUCK am I supposed to do with all that? He doesn't cry. He doesn't LOVE me... HE WANTED THIS!!!! What the HELL!??!? I only know, I can't talk to him. I won't. If he tries, I'll ignore him.

 I miss him so much... and I love him. But I don't even know if he wanted me back that I'd take him back. How could I ever forgive him for this? And I'd always be afraid he'll do it again. But I also don't know how to live without him. He was the best. Every relationship I've ever had, has been bad, and unhealthy even, and a few of them hurt when they were over, but in different ways. This is killing me. He wasn't mean to me. He didn’t hit me, wasn't emotionally abusive, spent real time with me and didn’t ignore me for video games... he was supportive, and helpful and sweet. He helped me with things and I didn't even have to ask... he made me feel like I was worth something, and that's something I've never had. And now I'm stuck here alone in my head. It's a dangerous place to be. I had a horrible dream last night, probably because of what I was thinking of when I went to bed... dying... I dreamt if I did anything, my best friend would have me committed. And she did, in the dream. I was so mad... yelling at her that I would lose everything I had left... my job, my car... She said "sorry, you did this to yourself" and left me there. Ironically, she spent the night last night because she doesn't really leave me since it happened... but she didn't sleep well, I'm crying in my sleep now. She said she'd wake up to whimpering and sobbing.. and say "Brandi, stop...Brandi?.... Brandi?" and I didn't answer.. because I was asleep. She said it was heartbreaking.. I whimpered, and sobbed... and I gotta tell you, knowing I'm crying in my sleep just makes me mad. I thought I was waking up every morning with my eyes swollen because I cry all day.... but it's all night too. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I said I wouldn't talk to him if he tried to talk to me... but it's really bothering me that he's not even trying to talk to me. I can't think of anything, future wise... It hurts too much. It feels so empty and alone and ... I don't think I can handle it. He's been part of my life, a constant part for over a year. I needed him when we met, without even knowing it...and even before we were together he was there for me. I learned to count on him... and now he's just, gone. I'd never really had anyone like that to count on before... how am I supposed to go back to before? How am I supposed to keep getting up every day, and going to work, and living the life I no longer want? 

My life is empty. I was going to just keep doing what I was planning, fixing my apartment, painting and all that. But there isn't anything I can do until my tax return comes.... so I'm just... sitting with nothing to do for now. I feel alone, all the time..even when my friend is with me. I feel trapped in my head. I don't even want to do anything. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. Nothing feels worth anything to me anymore. I slammed my elbow (the one I keep hitting on everything, so it's already bruised) into the stair rail... I barely even felt it. The world looks foggy and gray, even when the sun is shining. Everything tastes...weird... bland. The world is a much colder, darker place. It's scarier. He made me feel safe... I don't feel safe anymore. I feel exposed.. and cold. It's like standing on a life boat in the middle of the ocean in a storm... and the raft has a hole in it, and there are sharks circling. The question is, do you wait for the the wind and waves to take you, or for the raft to completely deflate? Or jump in and hope the sharks are quick? I've always been more of a... make a move.. kind of person rather than a wait and see person. But sharks are scary. But so is unendingly deep, dark, cold water. 

I don't know how to do this. I don't want to. It hurts so bad.. and I'm so scared. I also don't want to be committed though. I know nothing I could try would work.. It never does. The dream, I'm pretty sure, was a warning. This is what will happen if you do this, and you know it. I know it's dumb to even think about it because I'm hurting over a guy..but that isn't all of it. My life has always been shit. I've wanted to die for the majority of my life. I don't handle bad things happening very well... because being hurt, reminds me of everything that's ever hurt me. It all comes flooding back at the same time. 26 years of pain, all at once. It would make anyone consider it. Especially anyone who's been through even half of what I have. So think about that before you judge me for this. Imagine every bad thing that has EVER happened to you... Imagine every time you're hurting, you have to re-feel ALL OF IT. Then consider what I've been through, and image the same scenario. Still feel like judging me? It's awful. It hurts. I never wanted to lose him. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt, and my own parents abandoned me, several times, as a child... and even once at the time I needed my  mother the most. Everyone I love, who is supposed to be there has abandoned me at least once. It's like all of them, combined, leaving me all over again. I knew better than to love him that much, I just didn't have any control over it. I really tried not to get attached. I tried not to love him. I tried to not get too close... I failed. And this is what I get for it. This is why I like being alone. If you're alone, no one can hurt you. 

So this is how it ends. This is where it all goes down. This is what I don't love you feels like.

David Nail - Red Light

I'm being very rational, for me. It hurts so much, but I can't let that show. I don't even know what to say. It's going to be over. For good. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not even sure that I want to at this point. I think I've reached the point of no return in how much he's hurt me. I am thankful for the honesty though.

We had an odd conversation earlier. He'd been being kind of cold lately, I knew something was wrong. Finally I started bawling asking if he was going to leave me. He made some comment about me freaking out if he did. Admittedly, I was a tad hysterical. We dropped it. So later I was thinking about it... why would he say that? Was he thinking about it? So I asked him. It's been a thought. He's been thinking about leaving me. I was calm, rational. Told him it was okay, not to worry about me. If I'm not what he wants, it's okay just end it. But he didn't. Said he's just thought about it. I asked why. Was a good answer. The whole thing hurt like hell. Being calm and rational, I think, hurt more than what he said. I told him to just do it. That it was okay. Is it okay?

So the question I have now... do I want this? I pushed him into this relationship. A month trial. He didn't end it after the month. It's been nearly 9 months now. He doesn't love me. That hurts. He cheated on me. That REALLY hurt. And now... imagine if the person you were with, told you they'd been thinking about leaving you. How would you feel? Even if they didn't leave you, would you still want to be in said relationship, knowing they were thinking about it? How could you? Nothing would ever be the same. You'd always be afraid it was coming. Honestly, it feels like it's over. It doesn't feel like he said he'd thought about it. It feels like he ended it. I don't know how to come back from it. He asked if I was still going over there sometime this week... I feel like he'll do it then. In person. Where I can't keep my promise that he wouldn't see me cry, because I don't know that I could hold off the tears long enough to get out of there without him seeing. But he knows that once it's over, it's over. We can't be friends. And I will pay off my car and leave. He'll never see me again, and I probably won't talk to him ever again. Not because I don't still love him, I do. Just because I can't be friends with my ex's. It's too much. Especially not right after. How can you let go of someone, if you have to see/talk to them all the time? How am I going to sit here alone for 9 months waiting to move... I feel like the world ended. Maybe he's right though. We don't have that much in common. And then there's the little thing of, me having stronger feelings for him than he does for me. I really hoped he'd love me eventually, but I think I've known all along that this would end eventually. It doesn't hurt any less. I can't stop shaking.

So... is this what I want? Can I do this? My heart, is broken. I think I'm done with love. I'm not allowed to have it, clearly. And I'm tired of it all. Relationships are hard. And they suck. The thought of having to find someone else, is literally making me feel sick. I don't want anyone else. I used to be afraid that I'd die alone... but now I don't care. I don't want this again. I don't want to go through this again. I'd rather just be alone forever. Things are easier, alone. People can't hurt you, when you're alone.

Brandi

Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start.

Avicii - Wake Me Up

I wouldn't say I forgave him...because I haven't. But we're trying again. I don't trust him. But I love him. I can't even describe how badly that hurt. The situation is over, to him. I apparently took it way too hard and blew it up a lot. I don't think so. But I don't feel like I have an argument left. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he makes good on his word to make it right. I don't think he will. Things are falling nicely back to how they were. Him mostly ignoring me during the week. Me being irritated by it, although more so now because I feel he should be like.. you know... trying. I don't like the way I feel today. I'm angry today, but also depressed. I'm not even really sure why, I mean sure that stuff bothers me but not as much as it did. I don't feel like I have a fight anymore in that department. But today I... I kind of feel like I'm going to... I don't know. I just really want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Christmas is next Wednesday. I couldn't care less. Plus it's warmed up, so it doesn't feel like it anymore. Thus is Texas. I'm not even looking forward to all the time off I get in the next 2 weeks. I mean, sleeping in will be nice but I'm doing pretty good to still be up at 9 lately. I was pretty sick for a while... a cold or the flu or something, then a stomach bug. Right on top of each other. Then the DAY I was feeling better from my bug... 5 am, period hits, worst. cramps. ever. FML. Oh, but that isn't all. Nightmares. Every night, for nearly a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. that includes naps as well. Aren't I getting a little old for that? Aren't they supposed to stop at some point? I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 30 for God sake. 

I'm almost 30. I'm wasting my life. I seriously have nothing to show for nearly 30 years. I live with my parents. I'm paying astronomically on a car that's a 1998. I'm not married. I don't have, and never will have, kids. I have nearly more bills than I have income, and nothing really to show for that even. I don't even have health insurance. My bed is broken. My glasses are WAY out of prescription. My car needs new tires. I can't fix any of that. I'm doing good to keep groceries in my fridge, and I don't even have that about 75% of the time. I have a boyfriend, that is probably just comfortable with me. But I'm about.. oh let's say 70% sure that's never going to actually go anywhere. Because I don't think he'll ever REALLY love me. And to top all that off? I have SEVERE emotional problems. Trust me, it's worse than I let on by a lot. I've just learned to hide at least some of it. I try, I really do. I'm just not sure what the point is. I don't feel like I'm ever really going to get anywhere, and to be totally honest, I'm tired of trying. I wish I didn't care about anything. I want to be one of those people. But I'm not. I do care. Probably too much. But God I really wish I didn't. Things would be so much easier if I could just go "oh well" and move on to everything. But I can't. I'm incapable of letting go. But I really am tired of trying. Because everything just backs me into a corner. Over and over and over again. The same damn corner, at that. It hurts. Everything hurts. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never good enough. Nothing I do, is ever good enough. *sighs*. I'm so tired. =(

Brandi

You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.

Stay like this weather swirls, because you've become sick like this winter, girl. Two more days, just two more. Don't you say that I've gone crazy, cause I haven't gone crazy yet. I haven't gone crazy yet. Yeah I just lost my mind, but I still got you. Stay up late so you're sure. You're sure that I won't stray too far, but surely that got too hard.

Lydia - One More Day

I'm so mad, and upset. I have been all week, but it just keeps getting added to. I feel like a wounded animal backed into a corner. I can't think of a single move that won't hurt me.

I don't think he even knows why I'm mad. I tried to explain it the best I could. But it all just got worse from there. I don't care who he talks to. I don't care what they talk about. I do NOT however, want him talking to girls he's slept with, when I'm around. How is that unreasonable? How much clearer can I make that? I don't care that you're still friends, but it bothers me and I feel threatened by it. I don't care that you talk to her.. just don't do it around me. That's all I'm saying.. But, he doesn't love me.. so I guess I can see how it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't seem to give a shit what I do, so why should I care, right? I suppose that's his logic, I don't know. That's the other thing that's bothering me. Again, still, whatever. After all this time.. he doesn't love me. Which means, he probably never will. So what the hell am I doing? I'm going to just waste years, on someone who doesn't love me? Someone I probably don't have a future with, because he probably doesn't even want one with me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know he cares, sure. But I also know he doesn't love me. But I love him. So do I continue to let him be comfortable, and waste time until he gets bored and leaves me. Or I piss him off enough that he leaves me. Even though it's hurting me. And it's going to hurt a lot more later. I'm almost 30. I don't want to play around. But thinking about my life without him now? Is unbearable. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to know, KNOW with all certainty.. that you love someone and although they're with you, and have been for a while.. they don't love you back? It's excruciating. And I have to pretend I don't care. Because God forbid I let him know how much that hurts. What's he gonna do about it? Not like he can just... suddenly do it because I want him to. There isn't a fix for it.

I don't think any of it is going to matter too much longer. I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to die soon. All of a sudden, really strong feelings. The last one, it felt like before Christmas. I'm going to die before Christmas. And today all I feel.. is something really bad is going to happen. And I'm not the only one. Mom said she felt like something bad was going to happen. She said she felt wrong. I understand. I feel wrong too. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of hoping I do die soon. It's getting really hard to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everything hurts so bad. I can't think of anything to do with myself.. when I'm alone. I'm just... alone. And alone is getting to be a pretty big feeling. Like it's swallowing me. The world... feels like it's swallowing me. Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more upset.. everything feels more and more hopeless.. and I feel more and more alone. I'm going to die alone.

I think It's about time for bed now. I can't handle being awake any longer.

Brandi

If loves a fight, then I shall die, with my heart on the trigger. They say before you start a war you better know what you're fighting for. Well baby you are all that I adore, if love is what you need a soldier I will be.

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

So last week was just awful. No kidding, I mean I knew it was going to be bad, because it started out bad. But by the middle of the week I was going "this seriously cannot get any worse." And you know what? It totally did. Blind sighted me like whoa with the amount of awful it was even. And then, when things were to my breaking point, and one more thing going wrong would have just sent me over the edge...It got better. I'll just start at Monday and work my way through the week.

Monday started off with people in my face. Odd for a Monday, but whatever. It was annoying, being as it lasted ALL day.. but I figured that'd be the only day. It wasn't. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't any better. So then, Wednesday I think. I'm trying to finish up the Newsletter to get it out. Not only did I get several EXTREMELY last minute articles (which irks me to no end because the deadline is supposed to be the 15th but NO ONE listens to that), but my computer starts giving me odd errors and crashing. I had to redo most of it like 4 times. So I'm getting just downright HOSTILE. I fought with it ALL day. And all day Thursday. But to add to it.. I was stressed about my relationship with Jason. Needlessly, I might add. Because I didn't think he loved me. But not so much that, more so that I was generally okay with it. That bothered me. Am I really so screwed up that I'm okay with someone I'm with not loving me? But I do that.. I chose the guys who I don't think like me all that much.. why? Because it's safer? So if they leave, I expected it anyway and it isn't so bad? That's all kinds of messed up. So I'm talking to mom about it... and she started bawling hysterically. Um.. okay? She tells me she needs to tell me something, and I'm going to hate her. Right away I know whatever she says I cannot react to it.. because she's fragile. I honestly wasn't expecting what she said. When I was 6, she hit me in the mouth and busted my lip. CPS showed up and shortly after I got sent to Alaska.. the first time. That is what I remember. What I don't remember, she said she was so mad at me after the cops and stuff left, she grabbed me by my shoulders and told me that she had me, but she hated me and would never love me again, and I was no longer her daughter. Then sent me away, thus confirming. I know my mom loves me. I know she does. But I can see how that would stay with me whether I remember it or not. Enough so apparently, that I don't let people get close to me. And when they try, I push them away. Or I ignore it altogether and then blame them for not caring, when they do. Probably explains why I'm so damn needy too.

Anyway, I don't remember it. But it still hurt like hell when she told me about it. But like promised to myself, I didn't react. Involuntary tears fell, and I started shaking, but my facial expression didn't change. I told her over and over it was okay, tried to console her, and finally changed the subject... to things I probably should not have changed it to, thus making it even worse. But it's okay.

So then Friday my biggest bitch was that people couldn't drive and I was over ready for the week to be over. I didn't really need a reason to be pissy at this point. I just was. So I got home and went to sleep. I woke up about 8 to my phone ringing. Jason, asking if I was hungry. He brought me food. Then hands me this cute owl halloween bag and says Happy Halloween lol. I asked why and he said "because you had a shit week." awww <3 it was a bottle of my favorite wine, a bottle of my perfume, a bag of beef jerky (yum!), and this really pretty 4 mirror thing with trees, omg it's pretty. He's so damn sweet, and I wasn't even nice to him last week. I feel bad. Lol. Poor guy... I put him through a lot. =/
Saturday we went to Waco and messed around, that was fun. Then we came back and played video games, and all day Sunday he played video games and cuddled with me. I slept on him most of the day. It was perfect. Part of what we did in Waco, we were looking for a Halloween costume for him but didn't find anything. So Sunday I asked if he'd be a wolf... Today he tells me he has a project for us.. he's totally making a wolf costume. Awwww <3 he's being a wolf for me! I'm gonna be Red Riding Hood. =) can you think of anything cuter? I can't. Lol. It's so damn sweet I feel like I could explode. Also, I got to order a new computer at work this morning, thus fixing most of last weeks issues...other than I can't really do anything important at work until the new one comes in other than like text documents. Means no bulletin cover photo or anything like that. No fliers should they need them. Yup. It's a pain but it'll be taken care of soon. But really... Jason is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I really love him. Not just because he brings me shit... which is cool and odd, but he just... he cares. And he shows me he does all the time. I need to stop expecting him to leave... but that's easier said than done. I'm going to try harder though, to be better about that. I need to trust him and go with it. and I'll do that, or try to from now on.. and be nicer and try not to take shit out on him when it isn't his fault. Lol. I'm a jerk.

Brandi

You pull back, and you angle towards the window. Now the rain is crashing down, and oh my god you're beautiful. And I'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape.

The Narrative - Eyes Closed

I feel like I died. Except I can still feel everything and have to deal. I won't say what happened, but it was bad. And the already very slim chances I had of ever having kids? Gone. So what does that leave me? Everything I ever wanted... it's all gone. I died... my life no longer has any meaning. I kind of thought that all the bad things happened because it was teaching me what to watch for, and what not to do with kids, making me stronger so that I could handle having them... I really thought I would have been a good mother. And it's gone. I won't ever be anyone's mother. No one will ever call me mommy. Ever. And that is just.... devastating. It isn't fair. I'm only 26 and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was marriage and kids. That's all I've EVER wanted. REALLY wanted.. marriage blew up in my face.. but that was okay because I thought there was still a chance for kids, but now that's gone too. So now what? What am I supposed to do? Keep up my pointless mundane life with no meaning? For what? My life is... I don't make enough money to live on my own. I don't have health insurance. I can barely pay my bills, but no one else seems to want to hire me. When my parents die, I'm going to be homeless. Again. And I realize that kids would have complicated that even more, but I still wanted it some day. At least when it was still possible I felt like I had something to work up to.. I had a reason to try... and now I have nothing. What's the point now? I've never felt worse in my life, than I do right now. Than I have for the past 2 days. I don't know what to do now. I've never felt so empty. And what's worse? I'm pretty sure this isn't over. Everything awful that's happened recently... I feel like there's more coming. But what else could possibly happen? Seriously?! Haven't I had enough!? I don't understand.. What did I do that was so bad, that everything has to fall apart? I don't even have any hope anymore for anything. Do you know how that feels? To be completely hopeless? I'm going to bed.