No one can see anything on the other side of me, I walk, I crawl, losing everything and waiting for the downfall.

Trust Company - Downfall

I'm feeling especially bummed out today. I really didn't wanna get out of bed at all... I got up at like 10:30 but only stayed up til about 11, then went back to bed til something like 3:30. I don't know what's wrong. Today I just want it all to be over. I think I was angry when I went to bed, but I don't remember why.

My life feels so empty. I don't know how to fix it. Work, sleep, therapy, facebook... that seems like it's all I do and honestly that's usually enough. I don't like having a lot to do, that makes it easier to get frustrated and angry. Mostly because nothing ever works out like I hope it will. My life is disappointing, and I feel trapped in it. I feel trapped in my head. Pretending to give a damn about anything people around me say...that's what it feels like. Being around other people makes me feel like I have to pretend to care, when I really don't. Why should I? Don't get me wrong it isn't like that with everyone. Generally online I care. But I don't see those people everyday, and most of them I don't even talk to everyday. It's easier to care when I don't have to be right there in it.

Jon came home last night, all excited because he "almost died." Apparently driving home, he was taking a back road, and was driving a little slower than usual because there was a car in front of him. A meteor fell from the sky and just barely missed the car. He said if he'd been going any faster it would have gone through the passenger window and hit him. He said it hit the ground close enough to spray dirt and rocks onto the car. That sounds exciting right? I should be worried because he could have died. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't. So who cares. That's bad right? I should care more, should I?

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm more than one person. I'm who I have to be in public, I'm who I have to be around certain people, and then there's who I am when I'm alone. And who I am when I'm alone, is cold, and kind of heartless. But does that mean I'm necessarily faking it around other people? I don't know I think sometimes I do genuinely care, but I don't think it happens very often. People suck. They're evil. I think I may have just adapted to that over the years.

I made a new friend. He's nice. I care. Genuinely care. But I'm afraid. I'll fuck it up eventually, I always do, and it scares me to know that's how it's going to play out. That's how it usually plays out. But for now, he kinda makes me feel better. He's so optimistic and positive...and enthusiastic. It's nice.

I really hate always waiting for the bottom to fall out... but God it just... ALWAYS does! You know? and on the VERY rare occasions it doesn't, well that's a nice relief but even relief doesn't last long. Nothing lasts long except the bad stuff. I hate it. I really really do. I hate everything and I don't know how not to... I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to fix anything, I don't know how to feel better, I don't know how to be motivated....I don't know how to care. And I have nothing more to say.

Brandi Evans