I'm only pretty sure, that I can't take anymore. Before you take a swing I wonder, what are we fighting for? When I say outloud I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss? I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me. How's it gonna be, when you're sure I'm not there? How's it gonna be when there's no one there to talk to between you and me cuz I don't care.

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I've been so angry. I'm always angry. I honestly cannot remember a time, since I was like 13 fucking years old that I have not been at least a little angry. Anger is a hard emotion to get rid of. My reasons for being angry have changed a lot since then, but still the anger stays. And I don't deal with it, so of course it festers until I snap at some poor unsuspecting person. Usually when it's not even their fault. I just don't know where to direct it so the very slightest bit of frustration I get from them I point every ounce of anger I have and pull the trigger so to speak. I hate that about myself. Lately more so than ever before. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to not turn every little emotion I have into some huge fucking ordeal and take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it even slightly. But a few of my friends have pointed out to me at least something. Everything bothers me so damn much, because I massively over analyze EVERYTHING. Every word, action, thought...gets analyzed into the ground until I'm so confused I can't stand it and I've blown everything way out of proportion. But that isn't even all of it. I have this psychotic need to be talking to someone, anyone, at all times. Because I can't tolerate being alone. I can't stand being stuck in my head with nothing but my thoughts because it's fucking painful. So I turn into this crazy person who starts throwing a fucking fit like a 2 year old when someone takes too long to respond, or doesn't want to hang out or whatever the case may be.. simply because I can't stand being alone with myself. And then when I piss them off, or upset them or whatever... I wonder why. And I turn it so it's all their fault.. when it isn't. It's me. It's always me. I'm fucking bat shit crazy, and I have no idea how to stop.

Every time I'm talking to someone, or someone doesn't message me or whatever... I start to panic. And I feel it coming, and I try to tell myself it'll be okay, it isn't a big deal, I can handle it. But I can't. And it isn't. That isn't right. I should be able to be alone. I should be able to not be talking to someone all the time. I should be able to sit in total silence, and be okay with it. But I can't. Music always has to be playing, and I always need to talk to someone, even if it's just some bullshit conversation about... celery, who gives a fuck as long as someone is talking to me. But how can someone always be talking to me, when I piss everyone off about every other day. And I chalk it up to they're too damn sensitive...but no. I just need to learn when to shut my fucking mouth and not say whatever stupid fucking thing pops into my psychotic head. I'm a giant ball of insecurity and crazy, and it's fucked up. I hate it.

On another note, I got a new kitten! His name is Mittens! Here is a video of him and Puck playing.

They're so damn cute. That was like day two. Puck was not happy. He's gotten used to him though. I've decided that Mittens isn't really mine, he's Puck's. Seriously, Mittens is the lowest maintenance cat I have ever had, and that is all because of Puck I'm sure. Puck plays with him, cleans him, everything. Every once in a while, I'll see Mittens and put my hand by the ground wiggle my fingers and call to him and he bounds over to me all purring and cute, and I snuggle and pet him, then he sees Puck, struggles to get free and I put him down. He bounds over to Puck, who usually grabs him and starts biting him. haha. It's cute. And he likes his tummy rubbed.. which is weird. I've never had a cat that liked that, but that's how I got him to like me. He was Farrel. One of our feral cats had four kittens, and I brought that one in. Only took a few hours to calm him down though and he's good now. My cats, two perfect little balls of love. <3

I really wish everything didn't hurt so much. Every time something happens, or rather, I piss someone off, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. A few nights ago I said something really fucking stupid to someone... and I spent the next four hours bawling my eyes out and feeling like I was going to vomit. That isn't natural. And then today, I had to go and be all stupid with someone else, and now I want to die. I did before too, but tonight I went too far. It isn't so bad, he'll still talk to me.. but I'm mad at him. He hurt my feelings. And the fucked up part is I set myself up for it. I asked for it even. And I don't know how bad it is, probably not as bad as I think but I doubt things will be the same. They never are after I open my fucking mouth. That's two, in just a few days. And a few weeks ago, there were another two. One of which still kind of speaks to me, the other who hasn't spoken to me since, and I deserve that I really do.  It throws me when anyone talks to me period. So when they stop I really shouldn't ever be shocked. I can't stand me, so why would anyone else?

I wish I could talk to guys like I talk to my friends. And that it could be at least somewhat the same. My friends that are girls, I say stupid shit but not to the degree that I do with guys, and they just kind of let it roll off, or they laugh or whatever, and I don't feel like I need to be careful. But guys, I have to be careful because I'm fucking crazy. And just the fact that they have a penis seems to magnify my crazy like whoa. Why? Why is it different at all? I'm so sick of me.

I think I know what it is. I'm so starved for attention and affection, the slightest prospect of any of that makes me totally lose my shit, and then I fuck up any hope what so ever without even trying. Occasionally I'll realize I'm being bat shit crazy, but do I stop? No, because it makes me feel worse, and then I act worse. I really need to learn to get that shit under control. I need to just....be different. Or be someone else. I've been trying, so hard. Just to act like a normal person, and occasionally I can, but those moments are so few and far between that I just... ugh. I don't know. Maybe I should take up drugs. I'm actually kind of shocked I haven't before. With all the bullshit that goes through my head on a daily basis you'd think I'd be eager as hell to do anything at all to make it shut up for just a few fucking minutes. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. :(

Brandi

I can't get my feet up off the edge, I kinda like the little rush you get when you're standing close to death like when you're driving me crazy. Hold on as we crash into the earth, a bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real, cuz you are driving me crazy. Bite your lips your words are robbery, do you grin inside? You're killing me.

 Blink 182 - After Midnight

So things aren't so bad. If you'd have asked me last week or even a few days ago if I thought I'd feel better today, I'd have laughed in your face. I just don't get over things that fast. But I think I did. I'm over it. Crazy right? I guess that means it wasn't what I thought. Then again most things aren't. Everything always seems so doom and gloom and end of the world when it happens, and it's rarely as bad as it feels. But that's just me. Everything always has to be so extreme with me, it's annoying. I'm sure it doesn't do much for anyone else either.

I can't figure out for the life of me, why/how anyone could ever like me even slightly. It always feels like they're faking it. Because they'd have to be, right? I'm really not an easy person to be around, or even be friends with due to the fact that I'm just down right psychotic sometimes. How the hell did Jon stay married to me? Ugh don't answer that, I don't care. I don't know how I did it.. lol. And that's part of the problem.

I can't say being married to him was all bad though. He did help me a little. On some level the complete lack of affection, or niceness was good for me. It allowed me to learn distance. But it also turned me cold. I've never been this cold. I always cared how other people felt, or if it was my fault someone was in pain. Somewhere between getting married and now, I lost that. Not completely though apparently. The last few days, I care. And that's saying something. Maybe I'm finally getting back to someone that's actually me, and not who I thought Jon wanted me to be. Which I was never really all that good at anyway. None of that made sense did it? Oh well.

So, Blink 182 has a new CD. It came out the end of last year, and honestly I hated it the first time I heard it. And now I can't get enough of it. I must have just listened to it the first time when I wasn't in the mood for new stuff. Who knows. I change my mind entirely too much. Makes my own head spin.

On another note, that I semi touched on a few paragraphs back, Brandi feels good. More like, Brandi has new things to focus on. Focus is good. Then again it's also insanely unhealthy the way I do it. It at the very least borders on obsessing. Who am I kidding, it is obsessing. I hate myself for admitting that, but it's the truth. It makes me feel crazy, but good at the same time. I know that it's bad, and the probability that it'll blow up in my face horribly is high. But for now, it's nice. And the fact that I've managed to function and act like a semi-normal human being is nice too. Despite the crap that goes through my head constantly and makes me worry I'm going to do or say something awful. And I will, eventually. My reserve will falter, and it'll be done before I even realize it. Then I'll be crushed. Because that's how this cycle works.

But who knows, I could be wrong. It's happened before. Maybe for once, the calm reservations I have are real. Maybe I'll be able to keep control of myself. Maybe it won't blow up in my face and something good will come of it eventually. Maybe something without the extremes. Maybe something that can help me stay... okay. Maybe this won't end badly. God I hope so.

I am freezing. Seriously, it's really fucking cold in here. I cannot feel my toes. And on that note, I quit. Until next time people.

Brandi

Even if this chemistry's catastrophe, I don't give a fuck.

Breathe Carolina - I.D.G.A.F.

So, I deleted the last four posts I did. I don't really remember why but eh. And honestly I'm a little pissy at the moment and don't really feel like doing this but whatever.

So I went to therapy yesterday because for some reason I thought it might help my general lack of being able to keep things together this week. I was wrong. It was totally pointless. So I guess I was right before when I said I don't need the therapy anymore.

Also, I'm having nightmares again. I was having really pleasant but sad dreams for like two fucking weeks... and then back to nightmares. I took a nap earlier.. and woke up drenched in sweat and completely freaked out. I hate those ones the most.. the ones that make you sweat. Because then you wake up freaked out, and wet. It isn't fun. And now I'm pissy.

On the upside, after all that crap (that you no longer know about because I deleted the post) with my arm, I haven't been hungry. As soon as my arm started to get bad, my appetite went away completely, and even though its healed it hasn't come back. I'm nearly never hungry, and when I am absolutely nothing sounds good. So when I do eat it's usually just a few bites of something and I'm done. If that isn't helpful, I don't know what is. I'm hopeful it's not healed or something, and I'm going to die soon. That'd be good. There is still a rather large knot under the skin...doesn't hurt or anything but eh. I'm not going back to the doctor. Fuck that. Mom practically had to drag me to the car to get me to go when I did. lol. She kinda just grabbed the keys and was all "come on. we're going to the E.R." and I'm all "the fuck we are..." and then she gives the mom "you'll do what I say or I'll kick your ass" look, and I said fine and we left. I wish I hadn't gone. I should have just waited until Monday and called my doctor. Surely it would have been fine until then. At least it would have saved me a lot of stress this week. And the week before for that matter, but especially this week.

So I bought this gaba stuff, it's a vitamin that's supposed to help me stay calm. It does help to an extent but I was kind of hoping for happy or feel nothing, and that's only the case when my stress isn't that high. Otherwise the stuff is pointless and just makes me jittery on top of stressed. Admittedly, there was a semi fight that I stayed slightly calmer than I ordinarily would have. My rational thinking was a TINY bit better than usual. But whatever. Not enough.

So Dwight was weed eating this morning and found our cat's kittens under Michael's box thing. I wanted to keep one, I named him Sam. But he's a little too young to be away from his mother so I put him back after packing him around for like an hour. (he's about five weeks)... anyway apparently my niece was over earlier while I was napping, and went to see them... they're gone. That's just fucking fantastic. I'll probably never see him again. And he was really cute. But oh well I guess, Puck didn't like him anyway. He didn't smack at him or anything, just smelled him for a long time and then Sam meowed and Puck starts freaking out and hissing lol.  It was kind of humorous.

Anyway I don't really have anything to say...

Brandi