Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi