This ones for believing if only for it's sake, come on friends get up now, love is to be made.

Come Clean - Greg Lasswell.


Just had to say.. Things do get better. I have never been happier, and it's been this way since about November of 2015.When I found out I was pregnant.

I had a little boy. He's the best person in the entire world.. and I no longer feel empty, or sad. It's hard, but I wouldn't give up a second of it. He is everything I could have ever hoped for and so much more.

Not saying you need to have kids to feel better... but, turns out.. things do get better. Good luck.

Brandi

So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious.

Taking Back Sunday - You Know How I Do

It's been a while. It's always been a while. I should probably do this more often, but I just don't see the point anymore. No one wants to listen to me whine. I don't even want to listen to me whine. If I could shut my brain off, I would. It just never stops. I can't get it to shut up.

I'm 28 years old.. it shouldn't be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Everything shouldn't be so doom and gloom, but I really feel like I'm going to rip out all of my hair and crawl out of my skin. That was a really fun visual.

 I'm just so depressed. I'm crying all the time, even at work. Guy asked me a simple work related question yesterday, and I burst into hysterical tears. Because you know, that's normal.
I know you're tired of hearing it. I'm tired of saying it. But I really want to die. I can't think of a single reason to want to stay here. I'm not, at the moment, because of mom and Ams. I don't think mom could handle it... and Amber would be so mad. And I want to care about that, I really do. But there comes a point where... even knowing you'll destroy someone else, isn't a good enough reason not to. It isn't that I don't care, I do. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I promise, I'm trying. I'm really trying... but I don't think I have much left. Every single moment is excruciating. It hurts so much... all of it.. it all hurts so much, and I just don't have anything left. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I thought someday, everything bad that's happened would be worth it, because things would be okay. They promised things would get better. They lied. Nothing gets better. And none of this is worth it. Do good things happen? Sure. but they're so few, far between, and minuscule... the bad over shadows it so much.. I can't even really see it anymore. I remember the good things. I remember how it felt... but I feel so bad now.. that it completely drowns it out, so that even the good I remember hurts. Because it's gone. It doesn't last. Please, I just want it to stop.

I keep trying different things... hoping for even a minute of relief. But it never comes. But that's how it goes, right? Sometimes things can be okay... and then Murphy's Law kicks in and everything that can possibly go to hell, does.

There isn't any point to this anymore. I really mean it... this just isn't worth it. None of it. I'm so tired, and so depressed. It's to the point where I feel it physically. My neck and shoulders are killing me. I have a constant headache... my hands feel kinda numb and my legs feel weak. It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest all the time, and it hurts to breathe. I know you don't understand. How could you unless you've been here? Please don't make me do this anymore. Please. I don't have anything left. I'm empty. I've been fighting for so long, I don't have any fight left in me. I can't do this. It hurts so much. :(

Brandi

Tryin' to stop my hands from shakin', somethin' in my minds not makin' sense. Been a while since we were all alone, I can't hide the way I'm feelin'.

The Outfield - Your Love

(I painted that. I know. I'm awesome.)

Do you have any idea, what it's like to have to keep repeating; "It's okay, it's alright, everything is going to be alright..please, just stop..make it stop.." over and over and over again in your head, knowing damn well and good it's not going to do ANYTHING to make you feel any better? But you keep trying because what the hell else are you supposed to do? I feel really really bad today. Like there is this giant GIANT wad of something stuck in my chest, and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and it's making it hard to breathe, and I feel like whatever it is, is going to come bursting out of my chest. It hurts. I don't know whether to hyperventilate, cry, rip all my hair out, or all three. I can't stop shaking. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in check, I'm shaking.

You know on Office Space, when dude asks other dude if you had a million dollars, what would you do? And he says "Nothing". That's how I feel too. I want to do nothing. I want to be alone. I want the phone to stop ringing. I want people to stop making me do things. I want my apartment to be left alone.. I just want it all to stop. I just want to sit on my couch and watch tv, or play my games, and just be left alone. I can't deal with this crap. The sound of peoples voices are just grating on me, and the phone....god the sound of the phone... if phones had a throat, I'd strangle them. To death. I would strangle the life from the phone. And anything else that makes annoying noises and therefore makes me do things. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't even want to be awake. UGH.

So I cried myself to sleep last night. And it's amazing to me, that the same phrase runs through my mind, that doesn't make any damn sense at all. And I can't understand WHY that particular thing goes through my mind... but it does, over and over and over until I'm actually saying it out loud while crying.. "I wanna go home." How can I wanna go home when I AM home? That doesn't make any damn sense. Even still, I hate crying like that. It's physically painful, like my heart is caving in on itself. It's... soul crushing sadness. It feels like my soul is dying. As dramatic as that sounds.

It's only the middle of February, but this year has been spectacularly bad already. January 1st, Jason and I broke up. My short term memory is TERRIBLE... like "'can't remember if I unlocked the door, so I check it, then have to check it again because I can't remember if I checked it.' kind of terrible. Oh but then there's more. I got the results from the tests  my doctor did back in November. Turns out, I'm not in great shape. My cholesterol is really bad. I'm extremely vitamin D deficient, there's a problem with my heart, and my carotid arteries are too thick, so they want to do a more in depth ultrasound to make sure there's no real blockage. They gave me a copy of my results and in big red letters it says "extremely high stress levels", and I'm at 300% risk for heart attack or stroke for my age. Awesome. Can we like.. hurry that up a bit? Cuz I'm tired of life. Anyway, basically my diet had to change, or I'll die. So I'm eating better.... though idk why I'm bothering. Oh and I'm on 10 tons of vitamins now too.

Had to cut my hair. Was super damaged and breaking off and felt awful. She cut like 6 inches off. Which wouldn't have been a big deal, because I got extensions... buuut they don't work because she didn't layer it like I told her to, and I can't get it cut again because it's already shorter than I'm comfortable with. -_-.

It's way too loud in my head, and I can't make it stop. I'm so tired and it just won't shut up. I've started seeing things again. That's when I know I'm REALLY stressed out. Heh. Oh and that's the other thing.. I'm supposed to be keeping my stress down, because of my heart... that's working out really well for me so far. Oh well I guess. At least if I'm dead, everything will be quiet. And I can finally get some peace. I wonder what'll happen to Puck?.. and my car? For the record, I'd rather be buried than cremated.. but if the parents are insistent on cremation, I want to be a tree. There is a biodegradable urn, that has a tree seed in it, and you plant that, and it grows into a tree through your ashes. That's what I want if I can't be buried. I've always liked trees. I wanna be a good tree though, like, one that turns pretty colors in the fall, not some lame ass puny tree. Also, I demand there is a 72 hour wait before I'm buried OR cremated, because I'm convinced you can still feel after you die. At least for a little while.. and I'm claustrophobic, and I don't want to feel the burning. Sooo yeah. You know, the brain isn't completely dead for 72 hours. There have been studies. Don't judge me. You know... I want to die because I want everything to go away... but you know what else would make things go away? Money. If I had lots and lots of money, I could just leave for a while. I want to have enough to not have to work anymore, and then I'd just drive for a while. Go see things, alone.. and it'd be great I think. I need to get away from everything. I need silence. There is never any silence. :(

This is why he doesn't love me. I'm fat, and I can't get a grip on my head. It's all messed up in here and he knows it. It's too much. I can't blame him for that. If I could get away from me, I would most of the time too. What I don't understand though, is why he'd even want me in his life at all. It isn't just me that can't let go.. he doesn't want me gone either. But I don't know why. I can't let him go. It can't be gone.. I can't handle that. And I don't wanna meet anyone new because god forbid I form an attachment to someone else, then have to go through this same crap all over again. No. I'd rather just be alone. I very much dislike my life. It's really painful. I heard this thing once.. you know how different people have different theories about where humans come from, where we go and what not.. well I heard once that there are some people who think that you plan out your life before you're born, every little detail of it. If that is the case (which I doubt).. I must have realllly hated myself even before because why would ANYONE choose my life?! In fact, I wonder if anyone would choose their life? I don't know. This is stupid. I'm done.

Brandi

This ones for the lonely, the ones that seek and find, only to be let down time after time. This ones for the torn down, the experts at the fall, come on friends get up now you're not alone at all.

Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes

This post may make some people angry. Just a heads up.

I have known far more people than I care to, that have decided to end their lives and succeeded. I'm not angry. I understand more so than most. It's sad, but I get it. What healthy people don't understand, is why you would make that choice, as if it's not a choice at all -- it is. It is always a choice. And for some, it's always there. It reminds you constantly, that it is there and is a viable option. It's almost like a living, breathing thing in your mind. A lot of people can't kill it. When you get to the point where you aren't just pondering it, but are actually considering it, planning it even... the healthy think that other people - the people you'll be hurting don't cross your mind. That isn't the case at all. They are the only reason you doubt the decision. You weigh your own pain, against what they'll go through, and then decide which is worse. Can you go on? Is there any possible way you can stand another minute breathing? The ones who decide to go ahead with it.. the answer is no. In my case, it was never so much how much people will hurt, because I never really felt like anyone would TRULY care... I kinda figured they'd all be better off. What I thought of, was how pissed off everyone would be if it didn't work. That's the thing about suicide... if you don't succeed, it just pisses everyone off... which in turn makes you feel worse. They accuse you of being selfish, and you really have no response to it. But you don't feel it's selfish, you feel that they are, for making you stay when you hurt this badly, if only they knew how much it hurt. Maybe on some level we are selfish... but you're sure if they knew just how much you were hurting that they'd understand... healthy people can't understand that. They never will. And it isn't because they don't try, because I'm sure there are some who try to understand.. but unless you've been there, you can't.

There is only so much one person can take. Everyone has their limit. For some, the desire to live is stronger than the pain they are feeling. For others, the pain is overwhelming, and there is nothing anyone could say or do to change their mind. The living -- the healthy, think they could have done something... said something.. saved them. But the truth is? Maybe not.. probably not. With me...I don't know how many times I tried. More than I can count. And only once or twice was I able to be talked down. Can you imagine it? Being in excruciating pain every. single. day.? A little voice in  your head you have to constantly fight with that is whispering, and sometimes SCREAMING at you, to end it. You're worthless. Everyone would be better off without you. You should just do it and get it over with. It's always going to be like this. Nothing will ever change. You're going to feel this bad forever. You're all alone. No one understands. Just do it. Every. Single. Day. Your mind is your own personal bully that never ever leaves your side. And at first you fight back, I'm not alone. People would care, I have friends.. family.. they love me. Things will get better. And for some people, it does. For some people they can fight through it. They're okay. For others... the other voice just gets too loud, and you start to believe it. Once you believe it... It is so unbelievably hard to go back, to have your mind changed. Sometimes the brain bullies win. Just like regular bullies. The difference is, you can't run away from it. You get no reprieve. And with regular bullies, you may be able to go home to get away from them.. but there is a point where you believe what they say about you.. .and then your brain bullies take over.

This post seems negative, and I'm sure some of you are mad at me, as if I'm trying to justify it.. I'm not. But keep reading, I do have a point. All I'm saying, is that I get it. And I'm hoping having it explained, what it's like, will help someone understand how someone they love could even consider it. It is not a black and white situation.. nothing is. Life in general is shades of gray. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It is the 3rd leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. About 30,000 people die from suicide each year in the US, but 750,000 try. 750,000 people feel bad enough every year, JUST IN THE US, to want to end their lives. The level of pain you have to feel to try it.. is beyond what you can imagine if you haven't been there. But my point of all this is... there are people who understand. There are people you can talk to about it, who can relate to how you're feeling... but it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying that it's wrong, but it also isn't right. You shouldn't make someone feel bad for wanting to die. They already feel bad, and trust me they already feel guilty for even having the thought. They feel guilty, and ashamed. Even if you don't understand it, try. For some people... It's all they have left... But that doesn't mean there isn't still hope. If someone reaches out to you, listen. Don't judge. Don't be mad, and even if you ARE mad, don't show it. The person reaching out to you already feels bad enough. If they are reaching out to you, there is still hope. Don't dismiss it.

If you or someone you love is considering suicide, please, get help. Help is always available if you look for it. There are people who understand how you're feeling, and they are still here. You can get through this, asking for help does not make you weak. There are people that can help you, there are doctors that can help you. It took me 16 years to find medication that made me feel better, but I have it now. And I can honestly say, it makes the voice quieter at least. And there are times I don't hear it at all. Even one day, without it, is worth it. I have more good days than bad now. Yes, bad days still happen, and I will have this for the rest of my life... but thanks to doctors and medications, it's manageable. But not everyone is like me. Depression in most cases is curable. Other disorders that make you feel this way, are not.. but they are manageable. Life does not have to be a black pit of despair and pain, but you have to try. You don't want to do it. Just keep repeating that to yourself. "I don't want to do this. These thoughts are not who I am. And they are lying." Because that's what it is. It's a lie. You are not, what the thoughts say you are. And I understand not believing what I just said... but it's true. There is good in everyone. And there is at least ONE person in this world who loves you, and would miss you, someone who would NOT be better off without you. There is at least ONE person, whose life is better because you are in it. Sometimes life is straight shit, I know. And for a lot of people, me included, it's the same bullshit over and over and over and it feels like it'll just never end... but you have to try to keep going. When you're at the point when you ask yourself  "can I stand another minute breathing?" no matter what you actually feel, say yes. And if you can't, just give yourself a little more time. Sometimes just one or two more days is enough to get you through, and to the other side of the thoughts. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. And you won't know if you don't stick around to see. Like I said, life is shades of gray. I can promise you, life will never be perfect, it isn't for anyone... and happiness may not last long, but the moments you get to feel it, are worth it.

It has been three years since I last made an attempt on my life. Before that, it had been 6 years. Have I thought about it in between? Of course. It's always there. Even on days I'm not upset... it's there. But I'm to a point where I can tell it to fuck off, and ignore it. You will get there too. Just give it some time. It is not a quick, easy fix. It takes time. Life is cruel. But there are moments that are worth being here for. Think of something you can look forward to. Even if it's something simple or silly... making it to there is a good goal. And once you get there, find another one, and another one. The next thing you know you'll be three years down the road, and feeling better than you ever have. With more good days than bad. Find something you want, anything.. Do you want kids? Do you have kids? You need to see them go on their first date. Graduate high school, have their own kids. Maybe you want to get married one day? Or hell, even leave whoever you're already married to. Maybe you want to travel, or buy a boat. Own a house. Fall in love. Anything. Goals are important, and you can always do what I do/did... write it all down. Keep track of how you're feeling (more often than me). Everyday, how do you feel. You'd be surprised to look back and see you do have good days. The girl you like smiled at you -- could there be something there? Maybe you'll get a promotion at work, or be offered another better job. You never know. And you won't know if you end it. Just try a little longer.

If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, get help. Or hell, message me. Sometimes all you really need is someone who understands how you feel, really understands... and I do.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Brandi

Give a little time to me, we'll burn this out. We'll play hide-and-seek, to turn this around. All I want is the taste that your lips allow my my my my give me love.

Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

I say this every time. But it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I thought I didn't have anything to say, but maybe I should. A lot has changed since my last post. The job after the church was a no-go. Seriously, it was awful. And I quit. BUT not to worry, I have a new job, at another church, and I've been there for four months now-- wow it's been longer than I thought. AND I'm about to start doing a 2nd job, so yay for extra income. I feel like I'm never home... because I'm not lol.. but it's not as bad as it was at first. It really wore on me at first, but it's really nothing now. It's a pretty simple job, now that I've learned it.

Jason and I are doing good. We don't fight much, I don't ask questions I don't want the answers to generally, I'm good in my ignorance. What I don't know, or pretend not to know, can't hurt me. Especially if I don't think about it... which I generally don't. I blissfully live in my head with my probably pretend life that isn't so bad. I don't think about anything if I don't have to. And even when I do have to, I usually don't. Which is making me really forgetful, but I'm okay with it. I've been working on that though... paying attention to the things I NEED to pay attention to.

I don't know. I think I might be having a day. I feel... disconnected but still slightly upset, but I don't really have a reason for it? Don't worry, it's not like it used to be. It's just a twinge. You know how it feels when you get a cold chill? The kind you get when you aren't even cold... Your face cringes, and a rush of something comes over your whole body and your hair stands up. It's like that, but it's a rush of... despair. Is the best way I can put it. I have a moment where my resolve falters... I shudder, and kinda scream "NO" in my head to shove it all back down, and thanks to the meds, down it goes. Lol. Back into emotional purgatory where I like it. I do feel a lot better lately. Obviously, since I don't need to write here constantly. I can finally deal with my BS on my own. That's nice. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means "happy". I don't know what that feels like, to be honest. I just feel... okay. But I'm good with okay. It's better than the all consuming depression that I'm used to. Honestly I probably wouldn't even know happy if it smacked me in the face, much less what to do with it if I had it. Lol. I could be happy I guess... but if this is happy, it's seriously disappointing and I don't know what you cheerful ass people are going on about. Lol. *wink* No but seriously, I do feel okay most of the time, and I'm really good with that. In fact, I've even gotten to where when people ask how I am I don't say "I'm okay" like usual... I've been saying "I'm good!"... which is unheard of for me.

Annnnd it's Christmas next week, and I don't want to kill myself. So you know, there's a plus. lol. Actually, I feel pretty good about this year. I was actually able to do a bit of shopping and I'm happy with it. I never really get to do that, and I did this year. It feels good. Granted, it's not much... but it was more than I can usually do. Crap I got Jason last year was just downright pathetic... but I'm happy with this year :) I hope he likes it.

I can't wait until I start doing my 2nd job. It's going to bring my income up pretty nicely and seriously... I've never made that much in my life. Right now I make 10 an hour, and I'm full time. So after taxes I clear 1300 a month. Which is good. The only other time I've made that much was at Princess in Seattle. Buuuut once I start 2nd job, I'll be making more than I did in Washington, so yay me! In fact, I'll be making more than Jason hahaha. woo!

Soooo I have carpal tunnel *she says as she sits here typing a novel*. It's pretty bad too. It hurts to hold a pen. Like... I want to cry when just holding a pen. Oh and god forbid I go to bed without my brace on. Seriously, that thing is a life saver, but when I forget it... ohhhh it's bad. I've woken up crying from how bad it hurts. It's not so bad today. I've been wearing my brace pretty constantly for about three days now, so I can move it without wanting to just cut the damn thing off already. Really bad part? It's my right hand. I'm right handed. I need the stupid bitch. Lol.

My car is still awesome, though I renamed her. Her name is Yoshi. It was actually only Lexi for a few weeks. I've put over 10,000 miles on her :/ .... driving back and forth to Waco everyday adds a loooot of mileage. Maybe I'll come into a good deal of money soon and I can just move to Waco lol *crosses fingers but doesn't hold her breath*.

Did I say Jason and I are good? We are.. I think. Feels....comfortable. If that makes any sense? I don't feel like I'm gonna lose my shit when he's not around... we aren't fighting... we watch a lot of movies and play video games lol. Oh awww we went to his friends week before last for dinner.. but before that he took me to meet his grandma... and she goes "That boy sure does like you. I'm glad I finally got to meet you, I've heard good things." awwwwwwwww lol <3 lol. So we left and I bumped him and go "sooo, ya like me huh?" lol and he goes "meh, she's old doesn't know what she's saying" lol. silly boy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. It's late and I have to get up ridiculously early (5:15 every. single. work day. o.o yikes.). So, hope you are all doing well, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate or don't, and a Happy New Year, because the odds of me writing again soon are slim to none. =D Kisses!

Brandi

And I remember we stayed up way past your bedtime. Up on the second floor, Down by my sliding doo. Just innocent kids in a victimless crime. Trapped in a metaphor, Hoping for something more.

Andrew Belle - All Those Pretty Lights

I got a new car! My dream car. It's not brand new, but it might as well be! I love it so much, her name is Lexi. She's a 2013 Kia Soul Base, and she only had 19,744 miles on her when I got her last week. She's amazing, I love her.

I got a  new job. Today is my last day at the church. I'm actually really sad about it. But I start my new job on Monday. It pays better and comes with insurance. So, you know. There's that. I don't like change. I mean I obviously knew I couldn't stay here forever, and there were times I wanted nothing more than a different job... but this one was really good to me. But it'll be okay, I think. I mean.. new car, new job.. should be... good?

It feels amazing outside considering it's mid July! It's 68 degrees out and it's almost 11 am! How crazy is that! This is Texas... it's just downright unheard of. I'm not complaining though, I love it. I wish it was like this all the time.

Well.. I guess I don't have anything else to say. This post was kinda pointless I guess. Lol but I hadn't written in a while. Oh well. Have fun.

Brandi

In the daylight, I’m your sweetheart, Your goody-two-shoes prude is a work of art. But you don’t know me, And soon you won’t forget, Bad as can be, yeah you know I’m not so innocent.

Mz. Hyde - Halestorm

So it's been a little while since I've written. A lot has happened.. thus is life. Things are a bit foggy lately, though I welcome it... but I'll get to the points I remember.

I'm 27 now. I freaked out a little bit when it happened. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My life is pretty much a joke. It's okay though. When I think about it, I never really expected all that much out of it. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I want... but they just aren't attainable at the moment and I don't see the need to dwell...right now. I'm sure I'll change my mind in a day or so and start freaking out again about how much I want children. Who knows.

Jason and I are back together. Ish. Whatever the hell "ish" means. I'm pretty sure that just means that he doesn't particularly want me... but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either, and he was tired of my incessant whining so he'll just go with it for now. I'm oddly okay with that. Although I don't know why because it sounds awful and most of the time I don't even really care... which leads me to my next thing...

My medication, is awesome. I feel a WHOLE lot better.. and I've been told by several people that I seem a lot better. I don't freak out as easily and when I do it's not as bad. I still care about things, which is new for medication and me... but not as much as I did before. Which is good because I felt things ENTIRELY too strongly before. Things happen and I'm just like eh.. whatever. It's nice. We still aren't done adjusting but my doctor gave me a break this month because they were giving me headaches. We were increasing every two weeks, I go back on May first for my next increase, but I've been on the same dosage for a month now, and it's been alright, the headaches stopped. The only thing I've really noticed that... not really worries or concerns me.... it's more just like... "hmm.. okay?" if that makes sense? is that... I'm sucking my thumb a LOT more than before. I had cut down a lot from when I was younger.. pretty much only did it when watching tv or if I got really upset... but now... I've gone back to sleeping with my thumb in my mouth, and about 80% of the time during the day I don't even notice at first that it's there... and then I do and i'm all wth? Nearly constantly... even right now... it's REALLY bothering me that I can't have my thumb in my mouth. I'm not sure what it is? It's always been a comfort thing for me... I suck my thumb, and sipper... but lately I need more comforting? Or something? It just really bothers me to NOT be doing it.... I don't know what's up with that. Feels wrong not to.

So Jason and I went to the Dallas World Aquarium for my birthday. It was downright AWESOME. I had a lot of fun with him, as usual. We're going to the museum here at some point for this awesome dinosaur expo. Should be good. :) but we went to the aquarium, Applebee's, and Traders Village. It was a lot of fun.

So Heather told me yesterday about this place that gives loans even if you have bad credit, and it  helps your credit. Well, there were things I needed to do and definitely needed the money, and my credit sure needs  help... so I called yesterday to get a loan. I was super surprised they accepted me, but they did! Not a whole lot, but it's okay because what I got was enough, I can afford the monthly payment, and it's going to help my credit which is awesome. Sooo there's that.

Probably going to have a new kitten in a few weeks. 6 of my parents cats are/were pregnant. MoMo had the CUTEST kittens! and they're so sweet...once you catch them. Lol. I was going to keep this one I named Hades, but he didn't make it. So there's Reaper and Butterbean. Reaper is BEAUTIFUL... he has a black head, and this his body like... ombre's into a really light gray down the rest of his body. And then Butterbean is a tabby, and he's SO sweet. He loves the loves. Lol. I loves the babies <3 lol.

Puck is doing good, he just turned 3. He's probably going to be pretty pissed when I bring in another cat, but he'll get over it. Lol. He could use a friend anyway. I know he gets lonely sometimes.

I think that's about everything. At least I don't remember anything else. :) so, I go now. TTFN! lol.

Oh, on another note I wanna add... It's really  nice, knowing that not every day is going to be horrible. I've felt so bad, for so long... this is really strange, to feel okay most of the time. But I like it. It's nice to wake up and not be absolutely miserable. I feel pretty good today, and I feel even better knowing that most days feel like this now. I'm not 100% better by any means, but life is at the very least tolerable now... and it's nice.

Brandi

Wonder if we ever really know each other, and I wonder if we ever find out what we're after. And the truth of it is we're both winding down the river, and if you could only let go...

Feeling of Being - Lucy Schwartz

So it's been a month and a half since we broke up. It's crazy how much can happen in that amount of time... even though it seems like all I've really done is mope around... I've done more than that. I painted my new room and moved into it... though I've since lost all motivation and that's as far as I got on remodeling-ish. I went to the doctor, to get antidepressants. He doesn't think I'm just depressed. He thinks I'm bipolar. So, at first he gave me just an antidepressant, a low dose, to see what would happen. I've never been so angry in my life. I literally wanted to kill everyone I.. not only came in contact with, but even spoke to. I was down right hostile to the point of almost being violent. It took everything I had to keep myself under control. So I called the doctor. That was a week. He said he thinks I'm bipolar, and added another med.. a mood stabilizer/anticonvulsant (not sure that's a word but you get it..)... . I feel better. I'm still irritable, but not hostile, still depressed but not as bad... think the dosage just isn't high enough... I am on a pretty low dose. I have another appointment Monday, so we'll see how that goes. I seem to want to be alone more and more lately. I'm also always really tired but I think that's the meds.

I told Jason I was going to start trying to date soon. I don't want to but I kind of feel like I need to.. you know? He wasn't thrilled about that. I asked if he wanted me to wait, he said he didn't know what he wants. So I go "So.. you don't want me, but you don't want me with anyone else either?" lol.. As it turns out, I'm waiting. For a little while. I said I wouldn't wait forever but... at least this'll give me time to adjust to things and not be forced to interact when I don't want to with new people. I can just... be alone and not have to worry about wasting my life, I kind of don't care at this point anyway. I don't want to meet new people. I don't have to. I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep, and be alone, and sleep. I think if I never interacted with another human being ever again I'd be okay... that's how I feel. I really just want to be completely alone for a while. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk. But I have to.. so I do. I'm not even sure it's a depression thing... I just really want to be alone. That would make me so happy I think. Like right now, I'm alone right now.. and it's great.

So this is the last season of Being Human.. that's a bummer. Yeah I'm out of things to say. So I'll go.

Brandi

I've been walking in circles for days, wandering in and out of this haze. Nothing is clear, cept nothing stays the same. And I know, know, no ones to blame, but I don't, don't wanna play this game without you, I can't, I won't.

8MM - Everybody Says

I agreed to try to be his friend. The pain was unbearable, until I agreed to that. It's bearable now, but it still hurts like hell. But now I have to hide it. I have to pretend everything is okay. I have to be....positive.. and pretend my heart isn't still broken. It's unreasonable. Asking me to be positive, right now, is unreasonable. Expecting me to be able to function, and smile, and all that BS, is unreasonable. But I'm doing it. Because who gives a shit about my feelings, right? Sometimes I wish I was all alone. If you're alone, you don't have to please anyone. Don't have to suffer to make them happy. Don't have to lie, and say you're okay when it still feels like your chest is now an empty cave where your heart used to be. But, it's bearable. That's really all I asked for. I didn't expect the pain to go away, I just wanted it to get to a point I could handle it. And it is, so I guess I should be happy about that.

You know what I don't understand? I keep hearing how negative I am, how hard on myself. And yeah, I guess I am... but I used to be WAY worse. I'm not trying to kill myself every other week... That's an improvement. I don't even think about it as much.. I mean I still do, but not NEAR as often, and I don't act on it. That has to count for something. I am at least ABLE to say positive things about myself, that's more than I used to be able to do... I can think at least slightly more rationally than I used to. But does any of this count? No. I'm still "too negative" "too hard on myself". I have been trying. Harder than you can imagine, to change. I know people don't want to hear how miserable I am. I know it's tiring. I really try not to talk about it. I do. But sometimes, I just have to. Like now. I think I have every right to be miserable right now. My heart was ripped out through my ass... I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to be negative, and I'm allowed to wonder what I did. I'm allowed to think I deserved it. But am I getting understanding? No. I'm basically being told to get over it, and think of the bright side. What bright side? What do I POSSIBLY have to be positive about? Yeah, I'm in a better place than I have been in a long time. Okay. I like my job, it's comfortable, and safe... I'm hesitant to find something else because I KNOW I can do this job. I can handle it. I know no one will understand, but there is a limit to what I can handle. If I don't have enough time to myself... things get bad. I get overwhelmed. I start freaking out. Then I suddenly quit the job, lose everything, and spend X amount of time trying to off myself because I've ruined my life. I'm comfortable, right now. Life wise, anyway. I have a decent job, that I like. I have my own car. I'm paying my bills without too much struggle. I have never been in a better place than I am right now, in those departments. Yeah, I don't have a lot of money to spend on stupid frivolous things, but that's okay. Socially? well.. I don't really like to socialize anyway, so that isn't so bad. I like being alone.  But I really love Jason. So all of that good stuff, is really nothing to me, without him. It feels pointless. I don't know what to do now. We're friends... awesome. So you know, when he finds someone else, I'll get to be heartbroken all over again. Sounds fun. Can't wait. And then there's me. At some point I'll have to try to move on... but why? The thought of being with anyone else... literally makes me feel sick. I had a nightmare about it, even. So what am I supposed to do? No, that isn't the question. The question is what do I know I WILL do? I'm going to sit by, and watch him live his life, and move on, without me. Wait for the day he finds the girl he really loves. Lose him as even a friend. Be heart broken all over again. And probably be alone the rest of my life because, I really don't want to go through this again, and I hate meeting new people. I don't want anyone else. Maybe someday I'll be okay with it, the being alone. Maybe I'll get another cat. Maybe I won't need to be his friend long, and I'll be able to just cut everyone out all together. Maybe I'll find a way to be completely alone without it hurting. I have a lot of things ahead of me, to distract. That'll be nice. In the mean time, I get to pretend i'm okay. Fake positivity and self confidence until everyone gets off my back about it. I'm not even sure why I spend so much time trying to please everyone else. I don't think I'm that bad. I know that I can be, but I think for the most part, I'm not that bad. Maybe I should just kill myself. I won't. But I want to. But, instead, I'm going to get back on anti depressants. Ride that super fun roller coaster of BS for a few months until they find one that doesn't make everything 100 times worse, and go from there. Maybe someday I'll feel better Maybe someday everything won't be so painful and hard. Maybe someday I won't have to fake positivity and it'll just be part of who I am. Someone unrecognizable, since apparently who I am isn't good enough.

I don't have anything else to say. I'm sorry this post was so "negative" and.. you know... me. But if I can't be honest here... what's the point.

Brandi

Maybe one day you'll understand why, everything you touch surely dies. But you only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart. 'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast.

Passenger - Let Her Go

He wanted me to come say goodbye, since I refuse to be his friend (I just.. can't... I can't even look at anything in my room without breaking down..). So I went. Against the recommendation of my mother and my friend (She's barely left my side... I love her)...

 The plan was, be cold. If he hugs you, don't hug back, don't cry, don't beg, just be calm, and cold. And I was doing really well... for a few minutes. I bought sunglasses on the way over so if I did start to cry I could hide it a little better. We were both silent. He just stared at me. His eyes teared up. Mine stayed dry. Finally he said "say something.." I said, "I don't know what you want me to say. I've already said everything that needed to be said." He cried. He hugged me.. and cried into my hair. My resolve slipped. Tears fell. I didn't hug him back. Just stood there stiff with my head pulled back. I held my breath so it wouldn't catch. So he wouldn't know I was upset. I've never seen him cry. He told me he never cries. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of there so badly... he asked me to come in, I said no. So he went in to get a jacket (for Texas, it's unnaturally cold.) I was shaking. But not because I was cold. I have an awesome coat. Finally he was all "Please come at least into the living room, its cold." Fine. So I go in. More staring. Crying. He stopped letting me go and was just holding on to me crying... there was some talking but I can't really remember what was said in the beginning. But I lost it. I was crying so hard I had to hug him back just to stay on my feet. The kind of crying that makes it feel like your chest is going to collapse. I was crying that I was sorry. He kept saying this wasn't my fault. I said mean cold things occasionally. I even apologized for the other day when I told him he needed to grow the fuck up. He said I was right, he does need to grow up. More crying. More talking. He just stared at me. I was hungry and asked if he wanted to go grab something to eat. He asked if I wanted sit down or fast food... I said "I don't care. This is the last time you're ever going to see me. So it's your decision. Do you wanna make this quick, or drag it out." His eyes teared up. We went to a sit down... he insisted on paying.. in fact, ripped the check out of my hand and ran up to pay it real quick. We were pretty calm at the restaurant, though we both just pretty much picked at the food... he tried to play footsie with me.. and wouldn't stop staring. So after, we're in the car. He's looking really sad, and at this point, I'm not ready for it to be over... so I ask if he wants to go to Walmart with me. He does. The WHOLE time we're in Walmart, his hands are in my pockets, he's kissing my head, and smelling my hair, telling me my hair smells good, holding on to my waist. He was touching me in some way the WHOLE time. We're done, get back to his house. We sat in the car for nearly 3 hours after Walmart. Talking. Crying. Hugging. Him holding my hands, playing with my hair, rubbing my back... He keeps saying he doesn't want me out of his life. I keep saying I can't be his friend. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me, and he's so sorry he just isn't ready, and some days he wakes up and life with me is really possible..and other days he wakes up and isn't sure he wants to be with me at all, and it isn't fair to me. It's not fair to me. He loves and cares about me (closest thing to "I love you" he'd ever said). I just.. lose it. I begged. I would have done anything for you. I will, I'll stop smoking, I'll go out, I promise I'll go out and do things and leave the house I'll do whatever you want just anything whatever you want I'm so sorry please don't do this it hurts it hurts more than anything I can't take it please don't do this... He said he could take it all back.. I said no. Because I can't live with him not being sure. I can't get back into that knowing he could leave me any day all over again and I’d have to do this all over again. He tells me that maybe someday when he gets his head straight he'll show up at my door and maybe we’ll start over. I don't want to hear that. He kissed me. I cried. He cried.... lots of crying. So finally, It's midnight. We both work in the morning and I have cold stuff in my car that is no longer all that cold. It's time for goodbye. He kissed me, like he never has before. And gets out of the car. I got out too. I hugged him. I said "I love you, so much. And I'm really going to miss you. Goodbye, Jason." And started to turn. He grabs my arm, whips me back around, says "I love you too" and I kissed him, he kissed me back, hard. I was shocked. Got back into my car. Covered my face with my hands to cry. Tap on my window, I look up. He mouths "This isn't goodbye." and walks to his door, and I go home. 

What in the actual FUCK am I supposed to do with all that? He doesn't cry. He doesn't LOVE me... HE WANTED THIS!!!! What the HELL!??!? I only know, I can't talk to him. I won't. If he tries, I'll ignore him.

 I miss him so much... and I love him. But I don't even know if he wanted me back that I'd take him back. How could I ever forgive him for this? And I'd always be afraid he'll do it again. But I also don't know how to live without him. He was the best. Every relationship I've ever had, has been bad, and unhealthy even, and a few of them hurt when they were over, but in different ways. This is killing me. He wasn't mean to me. He didn’t hit me, wasn't emotionally abusive, spent real time with me and didn’t ignore me for video games... he was supportive, and helpful and sweet. He helped me with things and I didn't even have to ask... he made me feel like I was worth something, and that's something I've never had. And now I'm stuck here alone in my head. It's a dangerous place to be. I had a horrible dream last night, probably because of what I was thinking of when I went to bed... dying... I dreamt if I did anything, my best friend would have me committed. And she did, in the dream. I was so mad... yelling at her that I would lose everything I had left... my job, my car... She said "sorry, you did this to yourself" and left me there. Ironically, she spent the night last night because she doesn't really leave me since it happened... but she didn't sleep well, I'm crying in my sleep now. She said she'd wake up to whimpering and sobbing.. and say "Brandi, stop...Brandi?.... Brandi?" and I didn't answer.. because I was asleep. She said it was heartbreaking.. I whimpered, and sobbed... and I gotta tell you, knowing I'm crying in my sleep just makes me mad. I thought I was waking up every morning with my eyes swollen because I cry all day.... but it's all night too. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I said I wouldn't talk to him if he tried to talk to me... but it's really bothering me that he's not even trying to talk to me. I can't think of anything, future wise... It hurts too much. It feels so empty and alone and ... I don't think I can handle it. He's been part of my life, a constant part for over a year. I needed him when we met, without even knowing it...and even before we were together he was there for me. I learned to count on him... and now he's just, gone. I'd never really had anyone like that to count on before... how am I supposed to go back to before? How am I supposed to keep getting up every day, and going to work, and living the life I no longer want? 

My life is empty. I was going to just keep doing what I was planning, fixing my apartment, painting and all that. But there isn't anything I can do until my tax return comes.... so I'm just... sitting with nothing to do for now. I feel alone, all the time..even when my friend is with me. I feel trapped in my head. I don't even want to do anything. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. Nothing feels worth anything to me anymore. I slammed my elbow (the one I keep hitting on everything, so it's already bruised) into the stair rail... I barely even felt it. The world looks foggy and gray, even when the sun is shining. Everything tastes...weird... bland. The world is a much colder, darker place. It's scarier. He made me feel safe... I don't feel safe anymore. I feel exposed.. and cold. It's like standing on a life boat in the middle of the ocean in a storm... and the raft has a hole in it, and there are sharks circling. The question is, do you wait for the the wind and waves to take you, or for the raft to completely deflate? Or jump in and hope the sharks are quick? I've always been more of a... make a move.. kind of person rather than a wait and see person. But sharks are scary. But so is unendingly deep, dark, cold water. 

I don't know how to do this. I don't want to. It hurts so bad.. and I'm so scared. I also don't want to be committed though. I know nothing I could try would work.. It never does. The dream, I'm pretty sure, was a warning. This is what will happen if you do this, and you know it. I know it's dumb to even think about it because I'm hurting over a guy..but that isn't all of it. My life has always been shit. I've wanted to die for the majority of my life. I don't handle bad things happening very well... because being hurt, reminds me of everything that's ever hurt me. It all comes flooding back at the same time. 26 years of pain, all at once. It would make anyone consider it. Especially anyone who's been through even half of what I have. So think about that before you judge me for this. Imagine every bad thing that has EVER happened to you... Imagine every time you're hurting, you have to re-feel ALL OF IT. Then consider what I've been through, and image the same scenario. Still feel like judging me? It's awful. It hurts. I never wanted to lose him. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt, and my own parents abandoned me, several times, as a child... and even once at the time I needed my  mother the most. Everyone I love, who is supposed to be there has abandoned me at least once. It's like all of them, combined, leaving me all over again. I knew better than to love him that much, I just didn't have any control over it. I really tried not to get attached. I tried not to love him. I tried to not get too close... I failed. And this is what I get for it. This is why I like being alone. If you're alone, no one can hurt you. 

So this is how it ends. This is where it all goes down. This is what I don't love you feels like.

David Nail - Red Light

I'm being very rational, for me. It hurts so much, but I can't let that show. I don't even know what to say. It's going to be over. For good. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not even sure that I want to at this point. I think I've reached the point of no return in how much he's hurt me. I am thankful for the honesty though.

We had an odd conversation earlier. He'd been being kind of cold lately, I knew something was wrong. Finally I started bawling asking if he was going to leave me. He made some comment about me freaking out if he did. Admittedly, I was a tad hysterical. We dropped it. So later I was thinking about it... why would he say that? Was he thinking about it? So I asked him. It's been a thought. He's been thinking about leaving me. I was calm, rational. Told him it was okay, not to worry about me. If I'm not what he wants, it's okay just end it. But he didn't. Said he's just thought about it. I asked why. Was a good answer. The whole thing hurt like hell. Being calm and rational, I think, hurt more than what he said. I told him to just do it. That it was okay. Is it okay?

So the question I have now... do I want this? I pushed him into this relationship. A month trial. He didn't end it after the month. It's been nearly 9 months now. He doesn't love me. That hurts. He cheated on me. That REALLY hurt. And now... imagine if the person you were with, told you they'd been thinking about leaving you. How would you feel? Even if they didn't leave you, would you still want to be in said relationship, knowing they were thinking about it? How could you? Nothing would ever be the same. You'd always be afraid it was coming. Honestly, it feels like it's over. It doesn't feel like he said he'd thought about it. It feels like he ended it. I don't know how to come back from it. He asked if I was still going over there sometime this week... I feel like he'll do it then. In person. Where I can't keep my promise that he wouldn't see me cry, because I don't know that I could hold off the tears long enough to get out of there without him seeing. But he knows that once it's over, it's over. We can't be friends. And I will pay off my car and leave. He'll never see me again, and I probably won't talk to him ever again. Not because I don't still love him, I do. Just because I can't be friends with my ex's. It's too much. Especially not right after. How can you let go of someone, if you have to see/talk to them all the time? How am I going to sit here alone for 9 months waiting to move... I feel like the world ended. Maybe he's right though. We don't have that much in common. And then there's the little thing of, me having stronger feelings for him than he does for me. I really hoped he'd love me eventually, but I think I've known all along that this would end eventually. It doesn't hurt any less. I can't stop shaking.

So... is this what I want? Can I do this? My heart, is broken. I think I'm done with love. I'm not allowed to have it, clearly. And I'm tired of it all. Relationships are hard. And they suck. The thought of having to find someone else, is literally making me feel sick. I don't want anyone else. I used to be afraid that I'd die alone... but now I don't care. I don't want this again. I don't want to go through this again. I'd rather just be alone forever. Things are easier, alone. People can't hurt you, when you're alone.

Brandi

Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start.

Avicii - Wake Me Up

I wouldn't say I forgave him...because I haven't. But we're trying again. I don't trust him. But I love him. I can't even describe how badly that hurt. The situation is over, to him. I apparently took it way too hard and blew it up a lot. I don't think so. But I don't feel like I have an argument left. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he makes good on his word to make it right. I don't think he will. Things are falling nicely back to how they were. Him mostly ignoring me during the week. Me being irritated by it, although more so now because I feel he should be like.. you know... trying. I don't like the way I feel today. I'm angry today, but also depressed. I'm not even really sure why, I mean sure that stuff bothers me but not as much as it did. I don't feel like I have a fight anymore in that department. But today I... I kind of feel like I'm going to... I don't know. I just really want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Christmas is next Wednesday. I couldn't care less. Plus it's warmed up, so it doesn't feel like it anymore. Thus is Texas. I'm not even looking forward to all the time off I get in the next 2 weeks. I mean, sleeping in will be nice but I'm doing pretty good to still be up at 9 lately. I was pretty sick for a while... a cold or the flu or something, then a stomach bug. Right on top of each other. Then the DAY I was feeling better from my bug... 5 am, period hits, worst. cramps. ever. FML. Oh, but that isn't all. Nightmares. Every night, for nearly a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. that includes naps as well. Aren't I getting a little old for that? Aren't they supposed to stop at some point? I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 30 for God sake. 

I'm almost 30. I'm wasting my life. I seriously have nothing to show for nearly 30 years. I live with my parents. I'm paying astronomically on a car that's a 1998. I'm not married. I don't have, and never will have, kids. I have nearly more bills than I have income, and nothing really to show for that even. I don't even have health insurance. My bed is broken. My glasses are WAY out of prescription. My car needs new tires. I can't fix any of that. I'm doing good to keep groceries in my fridge, and I don't even have that about 75% of the time. I have a boyfriend, that is probably just comfortable with me. But I'm about.. oh let's say 70% sure that's never going to actually go anywhere. Because I don't think he'll ever REALLY love me. And to top all that off? I have SEVERE emotional problems. Trust me, it's worse than I let on by a lot. I've just learned to hide at least some of it. I try, I really do. I'm just not sure what the point is. I don't feel like I'm ever really going to get anywhere, and to be totally honest, I'm tired of trying. I wish I didn't care about anything. I want to be one of those people. But I'm not. I do care. Probably too much. But God I really wish I didn't. Things would be so much easier if I could just go "oh well" and move on to everything. But I can't. I'm incapable of letting go. But I really am tired of trying. Because everything just backs me into a corner. Over and over and over again. The same damn corner, at that. It hurts. Everything hurts. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never good enough. Nothing I do, is ever good enough. *sighs*. I'm so tired. =(

Brandi

You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.

Stay like this weather swirls, because you've become sick like this winter, girl. Two more days, just two more. Don't you say that I've gone crazy, cause I haven't gone crazy yet. I haven't gone crazy yet. Yeah I just lost my mind, but I still got you. Stay up late so you're sure. You're sure that I won't stray too far, but surely that got too hard.

Lydia - One More Day

I'm so mad, and upset. I have been all week, but it just keeps getting added to. I feel like a wounded animal backed into a corner. I can't think of a single move that won't hurt me.

I don't think he even knows why I'm mad. I tried to explain it the best I could. But it all just got worse from there. I don't care who he talks to. I don't care what they talk about. I do NOT however, want him talking to girls he's slept with, when I'm around. How is that unreasonable? How much clearer can I make that? I don't care that you're still friends, but it bothers me and I feel threatened by it. I don't care that you talk to her.. just don't do it around me. That's all I'm saying.. But, he doesn't love me.. so I guess I can see how it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't seem to give a shit what I do, so why should I care, right? I suppose that's his logic, I don't know. That's the other thing that's bothering me. Again, still, whatever. After all this time.. he doesn't love me. Which means, he probably never will. So what the hell am I doing? I'm going to just waste years, on someone who doesn't love me? Someone I probably don't have a future with, because he probably doesn't even want one with me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know he cares, sure. But I also know he doesn't love me. But I love him. So do I continue to let him be comfortable, and waste time until he gets bored and leaves me. Or I piss him off enough that he leaves me. Even though it's hurting me. And it's going to hurt a lot more later. I'm almost 30. I don't want to play around. But thinking about my life without him now? Is unbearable. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to know, KNOW with all certainty.. that you love someone and although they're with you, and have been for a while.. they don't love you back? It's excruciating. And I have to pretend I don't care. Because God forbid I let him know how much that hurts. What's he gonna do about it? Not like he can just... suddenly do it because I want him to. There isn't a fix for it.

I don't think any of it is going to matter too much longer. I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to die soon. All of a sudden, really strong feelings. The last one, it felt like before Christmas. I'm going to die before Christmas. And today all I feel.. is something really bad is going to happen. And I'm not the only one. Mom said she felt like something bad was going to happen. She said she felt wrong. I understand. I feel wrong too. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of hoping I do die soon. It's getting really hard to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everything hurts so bad. I can't think of anything to do with myself.. when I'm alone. I'm just... alone. And alone is getting to be a pretty big feeling. Like it's swallowing me. The world... feels like it's swallowing me. Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more upset.. everything feels more and more hopeless.. and I feel more and more alone. I'm going to die alone.

I think It's about time for bed now. I can't handle being awake any longer.

Brandi

If loves a fight, then I shall die, with my heart on the trigger. They say before you start a war you better know what you're fighting for. Well baby you are all that I adore, if love is what you need a soldier I will be.

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

So last week was just awful. No kidding, I mean I knew it was going to be bad, because it started out bad. But by the middle of the week I was going "this seriously cannot get any worse." And you know what? It totally did. Blind sighted me like whoa with the amount of awful it was even. And then, when things were to my breaking point, and one more thing going wrong would have just sent me over the edge...It got better. I'll just start at Monday and work my way through the week.

Monday started off with people in my face. Odd for a Monday, but whatever. It was annoying, being as it lasted ALL day.. but I figured that'd be the only day. It wasn't. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't any better. So then, Wednesday I think. I'm trying to finish up the Newsletter to get it out. Not only did I get several EXTREMELY last minute articles (which irks me to no end because the deadline is supposed to be the 15th but NO ONE listens to that), but my computer starts giving me odd errors and crashing. I had to redo most of it like 4 times. So I'm getting just downright HOSTILE. I fought with it ALL day. And all day Thursday. But to add to it.. I was stressed about my relationship with Jason. Needlessly, I might add. Because I didn't think he loved me. But not so much that, more so that I was generally okay with it. That bothered me. Am I really so screwed up that I'm okay with someone I'm with not loving me? But I do that.. I chose the guys who I don't think like me all that much.. why? Because it's safer? So if they leave, I expected it anyway and it isn't so bad? That's all kinds of messed up. So I'm talking to mom about it... and she started bawling hysterically. Um.. okay? She tells me she needs to tell me something, and I'm going to hate her. Right away I know whatever she says I cannot react to it.. because she's fragile. I honestly wasn't expecting what she said. When I was 6, she hit me in the mouth and busted my lip. CPS showed up and shortly after I got sent to Alaska.. the first time. That is what I remember. What I don't remember, she said she was so mad at me after the cops and stuff left, she grabbed me by my shoulders and told me that she had me, but she hated me and would never love me again, and I was no longer her daughter. Then sent me away, thus confirming. I know my mom loves me. I know she does. But I can see how that would stay with me whether I remember it or not. Enough so apparently, that I don't let people get close to me. And when they try, I push them away. Or I ignore it altogether and then blame them for not caring, when they do. Probably explains why I'm so damn needy too.

Anyway, I don't remember it. But it still hurt like hell when she told me about it. But like promised to myself, I didn't react. Involuntary tears fell, and I started shaking, but my facial expression didn't change. I told her over and over it was okay, tried to console her, and finally changed the subject... to things I probably should not have changed it to, thus making it even worse. But it's okay.

So then Friday my biggest bitch was that people couldn't drive and I was over ready for the week to be over. I didn't really need a reason to be pissy at this point. I just was. So I got home and went to sleep. I woke up about 8 to my phone ringing. Jason, asking if I was hungry. He brought me food. Then hands me this cute owl halloween bag and says Happy Halloween lol. I asked why and he said "because you had a shit week." awww <3 it was a bottle of my favorite wine, a bottle of my perfume, a bag of beef jerky (yum!), and this really pretty 4 mirror thing with trees, omg it's pretty. He's so damn sweet, and I wasn't even nice to him last week. I feel bad. Lol. Poor guy... I put him through a lot. =/
Saturday we went to Waco and messed around, that was fun. Then we came back and played video games, and all day Sunday he played video games and cuddled with me. I slept on him most of the day. It was perfect. Part of what we did in Waco, we were looking for a Halloween costume for him but didn't find anything. So Sunday I asked if he'd be a wolf... Today he tells me he has a project for us.. he's totally making a wolf costume. Awwww <3 he's being a wolf for me! I'm gonna be Red Riding Hood. =) can you think of anything cuter? I can't. Lol. It's so damn sweet I feel like I could explode. Also, I got to order a new computer at work this morning, thus fixing most of last weeks issues...other than I can't really do anything important at work until the new one comes in other than like text documents. Means no bulletin cover photo or anything like that. No fliers should they need them. Yup. It's a pain but it'll be taken care of soon. But really... Jason is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I really love him. Not just because he brings me shit... which is cool and odd, but he just... he cares. And he shows me he does all the time. I need to stop expecting him to leave... but that's easier said than done. I'm going to try harder though, to be better about that. I need to trust him and go with it. and I'll do that, or try to from now on.. and be nicer and try not to take shit out on him when it isn't his fault. Lol. I'm a jerk.

Brandi

You pull back, and you angle towards the window. Now the rain is crashing down, and oh my god you're beautiful. And I'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape.

The Narrative - Eyes Closed

I feel like I died. Except I can still feel everything and have to deal. I won't say what happened, but it was bad. And the already very slim chances I had of ever having kids? Gone. So what does that leave me? Everything I ever wanted... it's all gone. I died... my life no longer has any meaning. I kind of thought that all the bad things happened because it was teaching me what to watch for, and what not to do with kids, making me stronger so that I could handle having them... I really thought I would have been a good mother. And it's gone. I won't ever be anyone's mother. No one will ever call me mommy. Ever. And that is just.... devastating. It isn't fair. I'm only 26 and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was marriage and kids. That's all I've EVER wanted. REALLY wanted.. marriage blew up in my face.. but that was okay because I thought there was still a chance for kids, but now that's gone too. So now what? What am I supposed to do? Keep up my pointless mundane life with no meaning? For what? My life is... I don't make enough money to live on my own. I don't have health insurance. I can barely pay my bills, but no one else seems to want to hire me. When my parents die, I'm going to be homeless. Again. And I realize that kids would have complicated that even more, but I still wanted it some day. At least when it was still possible I felt like I had something to work up to.. I had a reason to try... and now I have nothing. What's the point now? I've never felt worse in my life, than I do right now. Than I have for the past 2 days. I don't know what to do now. I've never felt so empty. And what's worse? I'm pretty sure this isn't over. Everything awful that's happened recently... I feel like there's more coming. But what else could possibly happen? Seriously?! Haven't I had enough!? I don't understand.. What did I do that was so bad, that everything has to fall apart? I don't even have any hope anymore for anything. Do you know how that feels? To be completely hopeless? I'm going to bed.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.

Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi

The dream is never what it seems, very soon you realize. It's the same as it ever was, what we need is a little more love.

Jeremy Kay - Wine and Roses

So things have been pretty good. Things are going good with Jason still, and I'm pretty happy with my life for the most part. Other than, you know, the being incredibly broke part. Lol. I really need to save up for TRF.. but I'm pretty much out of time. I only have 4 pay checks left until we go, and there's no way I can save what I need out of those unless I stop eating for the next two months. Maybe I'll just ONLY buy those dollar tv dinners for the next two months and call it good. I can live on that.. I pretty much do anyway. But it's going to cost like 100 bucks just to drive down there and back, then camping is 20, and I'll need money for food and drinks and shit while we're there. I was going to buy a air mattress because we're going to stay in a tent, but I think I'll just take my futon mattress.. it'll fit in the back of my car I think. It's pretty flimsy.. it'll fold. haha.

So my A/C died last week. It was SO hot. Dwight and Jason took it out yesterday (because Dwight bought me a new one... 0.0 I know... I was shocked as shit), it was froze up apparently. Which is stupid, mind you... it's in the triple digits, and it's off when I'm not here... how the HELL could it be FROZEN? whatever. The new one works famously. But they put in the new one yesterday. It's awesome. It works so much better than my other one! but it was getting pretty old. Mom said they don't have an incredibly long shelf life anyway.. but I got good use out of the old one. Mom said something about letting the old one thaw out and cleaning it up and something about a new censor and it'll probably work again, so there's that.

So Jason. I got an extra night with him this weekend. <3 makes me so happy. AND he brought me a bottle of my favorite wine. =) that man... he's the best. But he came over Friday and I didn't have to give him up until today. I love sleeping with him. It's the best. He's the best cuddler ever. and I know he doesn't like kissing or hand holding, but he's the best at those too. He's the best at everything. I just love every moment with him. He makes me so happy. But, he has his own toothbrush and deodorant here now. Lol so no more swishing with toothpaste and using my deodorant.. haha. That was cute though. I miss him so much when he isn't here. But I think I do pretty well when he's not around. Before, I would have been a basket case all week, and yes some days are harder than others but for the most part the weekend is enough to get me through the week. I wish I had more time with him, but it's cool. I don't wanna smother him too much anyway.. which I'm sure that I do... because I kinda insist he talks to me nearly constantly... lol but still.

I woke up this morning, with my knee hurting. The one I messed up a few years ago. Oh man it hurts so bad. but I'll live. Lol.

Anywho, that's all I got. Things are good. Yup. haha. Have fun.

Brandi

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. Take this advice live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard.

The Tide - The Spill Canvas

So I just sat down here to write this, and my pants ripped. Lol... But i'm not really sure how? Those pants were like 4 times too big for me.. to the point I literally had to hold them up when I walked or they'd fall off. Not just sag down... fall OFF. Oh well, I can use the material for something. They're plaid lol. I'm a little worried now that they already had a hole and I've been walking around all day with a huge hole in the ass of my pants. o.0 lol oh well I guess. If so, the people around me are dicks for not mentioning it. Lol. oh and by "my pants ripped" I don't mean a little. The entire ass ripped out. Lol. It scared the hell out of me.

Anyway, I didn't really have anything to say. I generally don't, but I'm sure I'll think of something to ramble on about. I just got off my period. I'm sure you really wanted to know that but it is in fact, significant. Usually, I'm a little testy BEFORE I start... but once I do, I'm fine. It's actually usually my most sane week of the month. Not this time. It really kicked my ass emotionally. I was bitchy before it started and once I did actually start I all but lost complete control for DAYS. I'm glad it's over though. I'm feeling much more sane now. I actually started crying at one point because I was overwhelmed with emotion but I couldn't tell which emotions it was. I dreamt last night, that I could show people how I felt by touching them and focusing on it. But I only showed mom. She said something to me in the dream, and I go "just.. look" and touched her arm, and she like fell to the ground crying hysterically. But the odd part was, in the dream, I wasn't feeling that bad. I felt like I normally do. Which isn't by any means good, it's more like.. numb. I feel numb a lot. I'm not complaining. I need to be numb for a while. I've been being too... clingy and lovey and crap lately. I need to turn that shit off. It makes people uncomfortable. The only way I know how to do that though is to turn off all emotion... I can do it. but it isn't easy.. and it's even harder to turn back on because it tends to FLOOD back in. I don't know why I can't just find a happy medium that everyone can be okay with. I don't want to be cold. =( but.. I'm gonna have to I guess. Cold turns to resentment, which turns to hate, which is a feeling, a strong one at that... and then I'm flooded and totally freak out and lose my shit. Sounds like a party. Can't wait. I can tell you exactly how this is going to go. I'm not at all comfortable with it. This is going to end REALLY badly. *sighs*. But what can ya do? Ya know?

So mom fell yesterday, again. She sprained her ankle... you'd think she had it amputated. Lol. I know it hurts and she's old and fragile.. and I'm babying her like you wouldn't believe, but she's such a baby. Lol. She's never like that with me. I spend my afternoon downstairs, getting things for her and what-not.. generally being nice and taking care of her. She doesn't do that shit for me. If I get sick I get " you're the sickliest kid I've ever met in my life." Once, I fell off the side walk and was laying in the grass crying because my ankle hurt.. she comes out "Oh Jesus Christ Brandi, get up and quit fucking crying." -_- .. thanks mom. Lol. And usually when she has to take me to ER it's a HUGE deal... although the last 2 times she took me she was nice. Once with that thing under my arm and she FORCED me to go... but I think she thought I was going to die with that one lol.. which.. I could have. And the last time, I called her at 6am because I had a massive migraine I couldn't get rid of and she came and got me and took me to the ER for a shot, and then she got me breakfast lol. Usually she gets mad about migraines.. but apparently that's because I used to start screaming at the top of my lungs and crying... I realize now that it's counter productive.. but the shit HURTS. I still tend to cry, but it's more like... silent sobs now.. lol with my face covered to keep from seeing light. Anyway, I love that woman. I really wish she'd stop falling. She's so fragile, she's really going to hurt herself one of these days :(... not to mention she whines about it FOREVER. At least she didn't break it. She usually breaks things. Ribs, ankles, wrist, toes... at least now I know where I got the clumsy from.. but I've never broken anything. Sprained things badly... like my knee, ankles and wrists.. but nothing broken. My bones are really strong apparently, despite the fact that I don't drink milk....ever.

I've decided I want another kitty. But I'm being a little picky. I think I may go adopt one from the Humane Society, but I dunno yet. If so it'll be with the check after next because this one is already gone, even though I don't have it yet. Isn't that how it goes? Lol. But I think Puck needs a sister.. =D ...or a brother.. but I think I'd rather get a girl this time. I haven't had a girl cat in a long time.. mostly because I don't like girl cats but meh. Maybe I'll find the perfect one for us at the Humane Society. :) I love cats.

So I have a bit of an issue, I'm not sure what to do about. I don't really want to talk about it... but I don't want to deal with it either. I mean I do... because I'd like it to not be an issue... but I don't think it's something I can fix. I think it's something I'm just going to have to watch and see what happens. I really don't like doing that. I don't like letting things happen. I like knowing. Or being able to anticipate.. and that just isn't an option here. I have no idea what's going to happen. I really hate surprises. And life really likes to throw those at me. Lol... and usually not good ones. But I mean... I'm not a fortune teller.. maybe something good will happen. In fact.. I'm wrong about.. oh let's say 40% of the time. Lol. At least when it comes to my life. I can usually predict what will happen with other people's lives.. but not so much with my own. I can almost always count on negative, but it's been pretty positive lately. I've been positively wrong. Lol. Those instances aren't too bad... But I'm a little scared of how this will turn out, and how long it's going to take to blow up in my face. Because I'm sure it will eventually. I know that's negative as hell, but I just don't have good luck when it comes to these types of things. Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I shall go.

Brandi