You pull back, and you angle towards the window. Now the rain is crashing down, and oh my god you're beautiful. And I'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape.

The Narrative - Eyes Closed

I feel like I died. Except I can still feel everything and have to deal. I won't say what happened, but it was bad. And the already very slim chances I had of ever having kids? Gone. So what does that leave me? Everything I ever wanted... it's all gone. I died... my life no longer has any meaning. I kind of thought that all the bad things happened because it was teaching me what to watch for, and what not to do with kids, making me stronger so that I could handle having them... I really thought I would have been a good mother. And it's gone. I won't ever be anyone's mother. No one will ever call me mommy. Ever. And that is just.... devastating. It isn't fair. I'm only 26 and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was marriage and kids. That's all I've EVER wanted. REALLY wanted.. marriage blew up in my face.. but that was okay because I thought there was still a chance for kids, but now that's gone too. So now what? What am I supposed to do? Keep up my pointless mundane life with no meaning? For what? My life is... I don't make enough money to live on my own. I don't have health insurance. I can barely pay my bills, but no one else seems to want to hire me. When my parents die, I'm going to be homeless. Again. And I realize that kids would have complicated that even more, but I still wanted it some day. At least when it was still possible I felt like I had something to work up to.. I had a reason to try... and now I have nothing. What's the point now? I've never felt worse in my life, than I do right now. Than I have for the past 2 days. I don't know what to do now. I've never felt so empty. And what's worse? I'm pretty sure this isn't over. Everything awful that's happened recently... I feel like there's more coming. But what else could possibly happen? Seriously?! Haven't I had enough!? I don't understand.. What did I do that was so bad, that everything has to fall apart? I don't even have any hope anymore for anything. Do you know how that feels? To be completely hopeless? I'm going to bed.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.

Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi

The dream is never what it seems, very soon you realize. It's the same as it ever was, what we need is a little more love.

Jeremy Kay - Wine and Roses

So things have been pretty good. Things are going good with Jason still, and I'm pretty happy with my life for the most part. Other than, you know, the being incredibly broke part. Lol. I really need to save up for TRF.. but I'm pretty much out of time. I only have 4 pay checks left until we go, and there's no way I can save what I need out of those unless I stop eating for the next two months. Maybe I'll just ONLY buy those dollar tv dinners for the next two months and call it good. I can live on that.. I pretty much do anyway. But it's going to cost like 100 bucks just to drive down there and back, then camping is 20, and I'll need money for food and drinks and shit while we're there. I was going to buy a air mattress because we're going to stay in a tent, but I think I'll just take my futon mattress.. it'll fit in the back of my car I think. It's pretty flimsy.. it'll fold. haha.

So my A/C died last week. It was SO hot. Dwight and Jason took it out yesterday (because Dwight bought me a new one... 0.0 I know... I was shocked as shit), it was froze up apparently. Which is stupid, mind you... it's in the triple digits, and it's off when I'm not here... how the HELL could it be FROZEN? whatever. The new one works famously. But they put in the new one yesterday. It's awesome. It works so much better than my other one! but it was getting pretty old. Mom said they don't have an incredibly long shelf life anyway.. but I got good use out of the old one. Mom said something about letting the old one thaw out and cleaning it up and something about a new censor and it'll probably work again, so there's that.

So Jason. I got an extra night with him this weekend. <3 makes me so happy. AND he brought me a bottle of my favorite wine. =) that man... he's the best. But he came over Friday and I didn't have to give him up until today. I love sleeping with him. It's the best. He's the best cuddler ever. and I know he doesn't like kissing or hand holding, but he's the best at those too. He's the best at everything. I just love every moment with him. He makes me so happy. But, he has his own toothbrush and deodorant here now. Lol so no more swishing with toothpaste and using my deodorant.. haha. That was cute though. I miss him so much when he isn't here. But I think I do pretty well when he's not around. Before, I would have been a basket case all week, and yes some days are harder than others but for the most part the weekend is enough to get me through the week. I wish I had more time with him, but it's cool. I don't wanna smother him too much anyway.. which I'm sure that I do... because I kinda insist he talks to me nearly constantly... lol but still.

I woke up this morning, with my knee hurting. The one I messed up a few years ago. Oh man it hurts so bad. but I'll live. Lol.

Anywho, that's all I got. Things are good. Yup. haha. Have fun.

Brandi

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. Take this advice live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard.

The Tide - The Spill Canvas

So I just sat down here to write this, and my pants ripped. Lol... But i'm not really sure how? Those pants were like 4 times too big for me.. to the point I literally had to hold them up when I walked or they'd fall off. Not just sag down... fall OFF. Oh well, I can use the material for something. They're plaid lol. I'm a little worried now that they already had a hole and I've been walking around all day with a huge hole in the ass of my pants. o.0 lol oh well I guess. If so, the people around me are dicks for not mentioning it. Lol. oh and by "my pants ripped" I don't mean a little. The entire ass ripped out. Lol. It scared the hell out of me.

Anyway, I didn't really have anything to say. I generally don't, but I'm sure I'll think of something to ramble on about. I just got off my period. I'm sure you really wanted to know that but it is in fact, significant. Usually, I'm a little testy BEFORE I start... but once I do, I'm fine. It's actually usually my most sane week of the month. Not this time. It really kicked my ass emotionally. I was bitchy before it started and once I did actually start I all but lost complete control for DAYS. I'm glad it's over though. I'm feeling much more sane now. I actually started crying at one point because I was overwhelmed with emotion but I couldn't tell which emotions it was. I dreamt last night, that I could show people how I felt by touching them and focusing on it. But I only showed mom. She said something to me in the dream, and I go "just.. look" and touched her arm, and she like fell to the ground crying hysterically. But the odd part was, in the dream, I wasn't feeling that bad. I felt like I normally do. Which isn't by any means good, it's more like.. numb. I feel numb a lot. I'm not complaining. I need to be numb for a while. I've been being too... clingy and lovey and crap lately. I need to turn that shit off. It makes people uncomfortable. The only way I know how to do that though is to turn off all emotion... I can do it. but it isn't easy.. and it's even harder to turn back on because it tends to FLOOD back in. I don't know why I can't just find a happy medium that everyone can be okay with. I don't want to be cold. =( but.. I'm gonna have to I guess. Cold turns to resentment, which turns to hate, which is a feeling, a strong one at that... and then I'm flooded and totally freak out and lose my shit. Sounds like a party. Can't wait. I can tell you exactly how this is going to go. I'm not at all comfortable with it. This is going to end REALLY badly. *sighs*. But what can ya do? Ya know?

So mom fell yesterday, again. She sprained her ankle... you'd think she had it amputated. Lol. I know it hurts and she's old and fragile.. and I'm babying her like you wouldn't believe, but she's such a baby. Lol. She's never like that with me. I spend my afternoon downstairs, getting things for her and what-not.. generally being nice and taking care of her. She doesn't do that shit for me. If I get sick I get " you're the sickliest kid I've ever met in my life." Once, I fell off the side walk and was laying in the grass crying because my ankle hurt.. she comes out "Oh Jesus Christ Brandi, get up and quit fucking crying." -_- .. thanks mom. Lol. And usually when she has to take me to ER it's a HUGE deal... although the last 2 times she took me she was nice. Once with that thing under my arm and she FORCED me to go... but I think she thought I was going to die with that one lol.. which.. I could have. And the last time, I called her at 6am because I had a massive migraine I couldn't get rid of and she came and got me and took me to the ER for a shot, and then she got me breakfast lol. Usually she gets mad about migraines.. but apparently that's because I used to start screaming at the top of my lungs and crying... I realize now that it's counter productive.. but the shit HURTS. I still tend to cry, but it's more like... silent sobs now.. lol with my face covered to keep from seeing light. Anyway, I love that woman. I really wish she'd stop falling. She's so fragile, she's really going to hurt herself one of these days :(... not to mention she whines about it FOREVER. At least she didn't break it. She usually breaks things. Ribs, ankles, wrist, toes... at least now I know where I got the clumsy from.. but I've never broken anything. Sprained things badly... like my knee, ankles and wrists.. but nothing broken. My bones are really strong apparently, despite the fact that I don't drink milk....ever.

I've decided I want another kitty. But I'm being a little picky. I think I may go adopt one from the Humane Society, but I dunno yet. If so it'll be with the check after next because this one is already gone, even though I don't have it yet. Isn't that how it goes? Lol. But I think Puck needs a sister.. =D ...or a brother.. but I think I'd rather get a girl this time. I haven't had a girl cat in a long time.. mostly because I don't like girl cats but meh. Maybe I'll find the perfect one for us at the Humane Society. :) I love cats.

So I have a bit of an issue, I'm not sure what to do about. I don't really want to talk about it... but I don't want to deal with it either. I mean I do... because I'd like it to not be an issue... but I don't think it's something I can fix. I think it's something I'm just going to have to watch and see what happens. I really don't like doing that. I don't like letting things happen. I like knowing. Or being able to anticipate.. and that just isn't an option here. I have no idea what's going to happen. I really hate surprises. And life really likes to throw those at me. Lol... and usually not good ones. But I mean... I'm not a fortune teller.. maybe something good will happen. In fact.. I'm wrong about.. oh let's say 40% of the time. Lol. At least when it comes to my life. I can usually predict what will happen with other people's lives.. but not so much with my own. I can almost always count on negative, but it's been pretty positive lately. I've been positively wrong. Lol. Those instances aren't too bad... But I'm a little scared of how this will turn out, and how long it's going to take to blow up in my face. Because I'm sure it will eventually. I know that's negative as hell, but I just don't have good luck when it comes to these types of things. Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I shall go.

Brandi

Time together isn't ever quite enough. When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home.

Owl City - The Saltwater Room

Alright, a fully positive post. Aren't you excited?! Lol. So my freaking out was premature at best. Lol I'm dumb. He showed up at like 2am Monday morning, and scared the hell out of me. Random person climbing into my bed, he's probably lucky I didn't start throwing punches... but apparently being woken from dead sleep by someone getting into bed with me when I'm not expecting it has a totally different effect on me. Instead of swinging, I screamed kinda quietly, put my hands over my face and turned over. Lol. Good thing he wasn't like a serial killer or something. haha. I would have hid my face to death! When I realized it was just him I almost started to cry because he scared me. haha. I was glad he came though =D and it was neat waking up and getting ready for work with him there. And then, him being the awesome dude he is, he brought me lunch and hung out with me at work, then I got off work, we tried to go to a Thrift Store but it was closed so we came back here and he was here til like 7:30. Then today, he came up to my work again to tell me hi and I got lotsa hugs before he left to go do things he was in town for lol. I like when he's off during the week. It's fantastical. <3

So, in case y'all didn't know, I like to make things. Lol crafts are fun. So I've discovered fabric puff paint sticks to glass. I've painted a few jars.. and random pictures lol... and today I bought a hot glue gun, and took the fall stuff I had... leaves and what-not and made like.. garlands (which are kinda like headbands).. they came out pretty damn neat! I made a barrette too. lol.. I LOVE CRAFTS! Also, a few weeks ago mom had a faux mardi gras party thing at her work, so I got to make masks.. that was fun too! I wish I had lots and lots of money.. so I didn't have to work and I could buy all the craft stuff I wanted and just sit and do crafts all day. ENTERTAINMENT GALORE!!!! Bahahahaha! I need to make things... I NEED TO MAKE THINGS.... I wonder if that can be an addiction. lol. Anywho, not much else to say. I get Thursday off for Fourth of July and I'm pretty excited about that even though I probably won't do anything lol... It would have made more sense to give me Friday off but whatever. Lol still a four day week.. I shall not complain. =D I hope you guys have a great holiday!

Brandi

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know. Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know? I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up, do I end up happy?

Happily Ever After - He is We

I don't know how to start this. I want to start on positive but i'm upset. I've been trying really hard not to be so negative lately... it's hard. I've noticed recently how negative the people around me are. So very negative. Granted, most of them have good reason to be. Still, it's exhausting. It makes me feel bad for all the negativity I've put forth too. And even worse that I'm about to spew some more. I'll start with positive though. I'm really happy with Jason. And I've noticed, he actually puts forth some effort into making me happy, whether he realizes it or not. It's appreciated. It's more effort than anyone else has ever given me. He doesn't need to, I like him anyway. But I like it.

That's pretty much the only positive I have at the moment. Oh, no it isn't. I've decided, yet again, to go to school. Only this time, I actually turned everything in lol. I'm waiting on a form to come so I can get the bacterial meningitis vaccine waived, I'll turn it in and then register for classes. Although I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't decide between just doing basics, or getting an Administrative degree. I mine as well do the latter. I like office work, but my God It's boring. I was hoping for something where I'd actually get to do something but meh. I can't think of anything that sounds fun and doesn't require like 15 years of school.

Okay, to the negative. I'm tired. And annoyed with myself. I'm a little spoiled, and selfish. And that bothers me. But I can't seem to keep from being upset anyway. I'm pretty happy lately. I can mostly get through the week without getting upset. I'm a little stressed out, but it isn't anything I can't handle. But the reason for that is because I've come to count on my Saturday night. Saturday night, I don't have to sleep alone. I hate sleeping alone. I get to cuddle and it makes everything okay for the week. I look forward to it all week, even though I never know for sure if it'll happen and I usually end up getting upset before I find out, especially if it starts getting late... but it isn't tonight. And I kind of feel like I'm totally going to lose my shit. Because I'm spoiled, and selfish. I need it because it keeps me from losing my shit during the week when I'm alone, and he barely talks to me. And when he does he's kind of cold.. but the one night I get with him a week is enough. It makes up for all of it. It makes up for the stupid ass shit I have to deal with every other day, because I know if I can just make it to Saturday, It'll be okay. But it's not. This week it's not okay. I'm alone. And I really don't want to be. I don't like it. I need to cuddle. You don't understand... I need it.. NEED it. And the part that's getting me the most? He has all this next week off.. but do I think I'll get to see him? No. I'm actually pretty fucking sure I won't. Plus I'm about to start my period which is making everything like 1093812038120938120938 times worse. Because that means no sex for TWO weeks instead of one (because this one is gone)... (and it sucks that probably bothers me more than it does him)... plus.. I just get really on edge before it starts... I'm pissy.. and on edge.. and everything just really gets on my nerves. And I'm tired. He has a life. I get it. I really do. And I feel bad for being upset... but UGH!!! :( ... One day. One freaking day. I got to see him yesterday, and it was fun.. but CUDDLES!!! I NEED THEM! And so, of course, because it's me... everything has to snowball. I get upset because I lost my Saturday night. And then things get added that don't generally bother me TOO much and just take CHUNKS out of me emotionally. I don't even think he really cares. I mean.. about 90% of the time I think he cares about me at least a little.. but I'm pretty sure it's just a little. Enough to want to make me happy. But the other 10% I'm pretty sure it's totally one sided. And I know I care a lot more than he does. Which sucks, mind you. Because I'm you know.. In love with him.. and then I have to do that lame lovey gooey crap that sickens everyone, probably including him, and I can't fucking stop myself.. and then I get irritated when he doesn't say anything nice back.. On a positive note though, at least he doesn't tell me to stop being gay. You know, I don't even know where that shit came from. My family is not affectionate. They aren't ooey gooey and sappy. They barely hug. So how the hell did I end up like this? I need hugs. and affection. I'm NEEDY...Why?? How did that even happen?! I mean.. I don't like strangers touching me.... like at all... or even people I barely know... but relationship wise.. and family wise... I want fucking hugs. And relationship wise, I need the ooey gooey lame bullshit. Not all the time, but once in a while would be nice so I don't feel so fucking stupid when I'm feeling that way and do it. My family is big on "I love you" but that's only because (at least I think) we're afraid if when someone leaves, and we didn't tell them we love them, and something happens to them (because this family is cursed and bad shit happens all the time) we'll regret not telling them. At least that's me. I'm pretty sure it's them too. We want them to know we love them without actually having to show it. Because this family doesn't know how to show love. Maybe that's why I over compensate? Making up for complete lack of affection from the rest of the family? I don't know. I'm just really annoyed and sad. How am I gonna get through the week? How the shit am I gonna get through the night? Every time I think about going to bed I just wanna cry because it's Saturday and I'm alone. I don't like it. At all. Also, I'm really sick of being poor. I don't wanna be poor. I don't even really care if I'm rich? I just want to be comfortable. Life is hard.

Brandi