Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start.

Avicii - Wake Me Up

I wouldn't say I forgave him...because I haven't. But we're trying again. I don't trust him. But I love him. I can't even describe how badly that hurt. The situation is over, to him. I apparently took it way too hard and blew it up a lot. I don't think so. But I don't feel like I have an argument left. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he makes good on his word to make it right. I don't think he will. Things are falling nicely back to how they were. Him mostly ignoring me during the week. Me being irritated by it, although more so now because I feel he should be like.. you know... trying. I don't like the way I feel today. I'm angry today, but also depressed. I'm not even really sure why, I mean sure that stuff bothers me but not as much as it did. I don't feel like I have a fight anymore in that department. But today I... I kind of feel like I'm going to... I don't know. I just really want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Christmas is next Wednesday. I couldn't care less. Plus it's warmed up, so it doesn't feel like it anymore. Thus is Texas. I'm not even looking forward to all the time off I get in the next 2 weeks. I mean, sleeping in will be nice but I'm doing pretty good to still be up at 9 lately. I was pretty sick for a while... a cold or the flu or something, then a stomach bug. Right on top of each other. Then the DAY I was feeling better from my bug... 5 am, period hits, worst. cramps. ever. FML. Oh, but that isn't all. Nightmares. Every night, for nearly a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. that includes naps as well. Aren't I getting a little old for that? Aren't they supposed to stop at some point? I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 30 for God sake. 

I'm almost 30. I'm wasting my life. I seriously have nothing to show for nearly 30 years. I live with my parents. I'm paying astronomically on a car that's a 1998. I'm not married. I don't have, and never will have, kids. I have nearly more bills than I have income, and nothing really to show for that even. I don't even have health insurance. My bed is broken. My glasses are WAY out of prescription. My car needs new tires. I can't fix any of that. I'm doing good to keep groceries in my fridge, and I don't even have that about 75% of the time. I have a boyfriend, that is probably just comfortable with me. But I'm about.. oh let's say 70% sure that's never going to actually go anywhere. Because I don't think he'll ever REALLY love me. And to top all that off? I have SEVERE emotional problems. Trust me, it's worse than I let on by a lot. I've just learned to hide at least some of it. I try, I really do. I'm just not sure what the point is. I don't feel like I'm ever really going to get anywhere, and to be totally honest, I'm tired of trying. I wish I didn't care about anything. I want to be one of those people. But I'm not. I do care. Probably too much. But God I really wish I didn't. Things would be so much easier if I could just go "oh well" and move on to everything. But I can't. I'm incapable of letting go. But I really am tired of trying. Because everything just backs me into a corner. Over and over and over again. The same damn corner, at that. It hurts. Everything hurts. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never good enough. Nothing I do, is ever good enough. *sighs*. I'm so tired. =(

Brandi

You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.

Stay like this weather swirls, because you've become sick like this winter, girl. Two more days, just two more. Don't you say that I've gone crazy, cause I haven't gone crazy yet. I haven't gone crazy yet. Yeah I just lost my mind, but I still got you. Stay up late so you're sure. You're sure that I won't stray too far, but surely that got too hard.

Lydia - One More Day

I'm so mad, and upset. I have been all week, but it just keeps getting added to. I feel like a wounded animal backed into a corner. I can't think of a single move that won't hurt me.

I don't think he even knows why I'm mad. I tried to explain it the best I could. But it all just got worse from there. I don't care who he talks to. I don't care what they talk about. I do NOT however, want him talking to girls he's slept with, when I'm around. How is that unreasonable? How much clearer can I make that? I don't care that you're still friends, but it bothers me and I feel threatened by it. I don't care that you talk to her.. just don't do it around me. That's all I'm saying.. But, he doesn't love me.. so I guess I can see how it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't seem to give a shit what I do, so why should I care, right? I suppose that's his logic, I don't know. That's the other thing that's bothering me. Again, still, whatever. After all this time.. he doesn't love me. Which means, he probably never will. So what the hell am I doing? I'm going to just waste years, on someone who doesn't love me? Someone I probably don't have a future with, because he probably doesn't even want one with me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know he cares, sure. But I also know he doesn't love me. But I love him. So do I continue to let him be comfortable, and waste time until he gets bored and leaves me. Or I piss him off enough that he leaves me. Even though it's hurting me. And it's going to hurt a lot more later. I'm almost 30. I don't want to play around. But thinking about my life without him now? Is unbearable. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to know, KNOW with all certainty.. that you love someone and although they're with you, and have been for a while.. they don't love you back? It's excruciating. And I have to pretend I don't care. Because God forbid I let him know how much that hurts. What's he gonna do about it? Not like he can just... suddenly do it because I want him to. There isn't a fix for it.

I don't think any of it is going to matter too much longer. I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to die soon. All of a sudden, really strong feelings. The last one, it felt like before Christmas. I'm going to die before Christmas. And today all I feel.. is something really bad is going to happen. And I'm not the only one. Mom said she felt like something bad was going to happen. She said she felt wrong. I understand. I feel wrong too. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of hoping I do die soon. It's getting really hard to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everything hurts so bad. I can't think of anything to do with myself.. when I'm alone. I'm just... alone. And alone is getting to be a pretty big feeling. Like it's swallowing me. The world... feels like it's swallowing me. Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more upset.. everything feels more and more hopeless.. and I feel more and more alone. I'm going to die alone.

I think It's about time for bed now. I can't handle being awake any longer.

Brandi

If loves a fight, then I shall die, with my heart on the trigger. They say before you start a war you better know what you're fighting for. Well baby you are all that I adore, if love is what you need a soldier I will be.

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

So last week was just awful. No kidding, I mean I knew it was going to be bad, because it started out bad. But by the middle of the week I was going "this seriously cannot get any worse." And you know what? It totally did. Blind sighted me like whoa with the amount of awful it was even. And then, when things were to my breaking point, and one more thing going wrong would have just sent me over the edge...It got better. I'll just start at Monday and work my way through the week.

Monday started off with people in my face. Odd for a Monday, but whatever. It was annoying, being as it lasted ALL day.. but I figured that'd be the only day. It wasn't. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't any better. So then, Wednesday I think. I'm trying to finish up the Newsletter to get it out. Not only did I get several EXTREMELY last minute articles (which irks me to no end because the deadline is supposed to be the 15th but NO ONE listens to that), but my computer starts giving me odd errors and crashing. I had to redo most of it like 4 times. So I'm getting just downright HOSTILE. I fought with it ALL day. And all day Thursday. But to add to it.. I was stressed about my relationship with Jason. Needlessly, I might add. Because I didn't think he loved me. But not so much that, more so that I was generally okay with it. That bothered me. Am I really so screwed up that I'm okay with someone I'm with not loving me? But I do that.. I chose the guys who I don't think like me all that much.. why? Because it's safer? So if they leave, I expected it anyway and it isn't so bad? That's all kinds of messed up. So I'm talking to mom about it... and she started bawling hysterically. Um.. okay? She tells me she needs to tell me something, and I'm going to hate her. Right away I know whatever she says I cannot react to it.. because she's fragile. I honestly wasn't expecting what she said. When I was 6, she hit me in the mouth and busted my lip. CPS showed up and shortly after I got sent to Alaska.. the first time. That is what I remember. What I don't remember, she said she was so mad at me after the cops and stuff left, she grabbed me by my shoulders and told me that she had me, but she hated me and would never love me again, and I was no longer her daughter. Then sent me away, thus confirming. I know my mom loves me. I know she does. But I can see how that would stay with me whether I remember it or not. Enough so apparently, that I don't let people get close to me. And when they try, I push them away. Or I ignore it altogether and then blame them for not caring, when they do. Probably explains why I'm so damn needy too.

Anyway, I don't remember it. But it still hurt like hell when she told me about it. But like promised to myself, I didn't react. Involuntary tears fell, and I started shaking, but my facial expression didn't change. I told her over and over it was okay, tried to console her, and finally changed the subject... to things I probably should not have changed it to, thus making it even worse. But it's okay.

So then Friday my biggest bitch was that people couldn't drive and I was over ready for the week to be over. I didn't really need a reason to be pissy at this point. I just was. So I got home and went to sleep. I woke up about 8 to my phone ringing. Jason, asking if I was hungry. He brought me food. Then hands me this cute owl halloween bag and says Happy Halloween lol. I asked why and he said "because you had a shit week." awww <3 it was a bottle of my favorite wine, a bottle of my perfume, a bag of beef jerky (yum!), and this really pretty 4 mirror thing with trees, omg it's pretty. He's so damn sweet, and I wasn't even nice to him last week. I feel bad. Lol. Poor guy... I put him through a lot. =/
Saturday we went to Waco and messed around, that was fun. Then we came back and played video games, and all day Sunday he played video games and cuddled with me. I slept on him most of the day. It was perfect. Part of what we did in Waco, we were looking for a Halloween costume for him but didn't find anything. So Sunday I asked if he'd be a wolf... Today he tells me he has a project for us.. he's totally making a wolf costume. Awwww <3 he's being a wolf for me! I'm gonna be Red Riding Hood. =) can you think of anything cuter? I can't. Lol. It's so damn sweet I feel like I could explode. Also, I got to order a new computer at work this morning, thus fixing most of last weeks issues...other than I can't really do anything important at work until the new one comes in other than like text documents. Means no bulletin cover photo or anything like that. No fliers should they need them. Yup. It's a pain but it'll be taken care of soon. But really... Jason is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I really love him. Not just because he brings me shit... which is cool and odd, but he just... he cares. And he shows me he does all the time. I need to stop expecting him to leave... but that's easier said than done. I'm going to try harder though, to be better about that. I need to trust him and go with it. and I'll do that, or try to from now on.. and be nicer and try not to take shit out on him when it isn't his fault. Lol. I'm a jerk.

Brandi

You pull back, and you angle towards the window. Now the rain is crashing down, and oh my god you're beautiful. And I'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape.

The Narrative - Eyes Closed

I feel like I died. Except I can still feel everything and have to deal. I won't say what happened, but it was bad. And the already very slim chances I had of ever having kids? Gone. So what does that leave me? Everything I ever wanted... it's all gone. I died... my life no longer has any meaning. I kind of thought that all the bad things happened because it was teaching me what to watch for, and what not to do with kids, making me stronger so that I could handle having them... I really thought I would have been a good mother. And it's gone. I won't ever be anyone's mother. No one will ever call me mommy. Ever. And that is just.... devastating. It isn't fair. I'm only 26 and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was marriage and kids. That's all I've EVER wanted. REALLY wanted.. marriage blew up in my face.. but that was okay because I thought there was still a chance for kids, but now that's gone too. So now what? What am I supposed to do? Keep up my pointless mundane life with no meaning? For what? My life is... I don't make enough money to live on my own. I don't have health insurance. I can barely pay my bills, but no one else seems to want to hire me. When my parents die, I'm going to be homeless. Again. And I realize that kids would have complicated that even more, but I still wanted it some day. At least when it was still possible I felt like I had something to work up to.. I had a reason to try... and now I have nothing. What's the point now? I've never felt worse in my life, than I do right now. Than I have for the past 2 days. I don't know what to do now. I've never felt so empty. And what's worse? I'm pretty sure this isn't over. Everything awful that's happened recently... I feel like there's more coming. But what else could possibly happen? Seriously?! Haven't I had enough!? I don't understand.. What did I do that was so bad, that everything has to fall apart? I don't even have any hope anymore for anything. Do you know how that feels? To be completely hopeless? I'm going to bed.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.

Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi