So it's been a bit since I wrote last. A lot has happened but I wasn't really sure what to say about it, so I didn't write. I'm still not sure what to say really... I spent a few days in the hospital. It sucked? lol I threw up a lot... and I can't seem to get this blood taste out of my mouth...but its worse in the morning. I carry candy now for when it gets bad.... suckers are best.
On the plus side, I'm seeing a therapist now, and I'm on anti depressants. He agrees, my life sucks. I hope it'll help. Really. So far I don't feel any better. but I've only been to therapy once, and only been on the meds a few days... I feel sort of foggy. But still sad. And I noticed, I can't even look at things that I like without feeling horribly heartbroken and sad. wtf is that?! I was excited about fall (cuz its my favorite)... so I was looking at pictures and I suddenly had that tightness in my chest I get before I start freaking out... but idk why? I liked it.. but it made me feel horribly depressed. I suppose that isn't really anything new though. Here lately I feel just... suffocated. By everything. Life is exhausting. I just don't want to. Ya know? I don't see the point? I don't do anything, I can't like anything because it makes me sad for some effed up reason. Everything Jon says just irritates the hell out of me, and I'm sure it isn't really him, it's just me with a seriously low tolerance for ANYTHING....but still every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid as HELL and I just wanna smack him. I just feel so bad all the time. I don't even want to have sex. and that is CRAZY for me. But why? I don't know what the point of anything is, why bother? I just don't care about anything, don't wanna do anything, just wish I'd die.
Every morning I wake up, and think, damn it. Just because I woke up. When will it end? I know I shouldn't feel so bad but.. I do and I don't know why. And if one more person tells me "it'll get better" I'm seriously going to punch them in the face. No it won't. It NEVER does. Things do not get better, they only change. I've been saying that for years and it is still true. Stop telling me It'll get better. It may get better for you, but NOTHING gets better for me. Not ever!
God forbid I mention suicide. One lady told me "Honey, nothing is worth that." Bitch! You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through, you have no idea how I feel ALL the time, I guarantee you could not handle my life. Do they hear any of it though? No. Do they understand at ALL how you feel, or how you can justify that it would be worth it for you? Of course not. To them its just selfishness. Because things get better. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well no, not in my case. You hit a point where you've just had enough. When everything has been pounding on you your ENTIRE life, it is not a temporary problem. Sure the day to day troubles are temporary, possibly even the depression is temporary... but the fact that EVERYTHING is total shit every single damn day of your life for ever and ever is not temporary. It's horribly repetitive. And screw that. Seriously. It suffocates and drowns you. You drown in misery. But it doesn't actually kill you, you just keep breathing it in, choking on it, sputtering and gasping for anything but the misery. But it is relentless. It just keeps on and keeps on, laughing at the grip it has on you, filling you up, spilling out into your life until everything is saturated and you're laying there like a limp doll in its grasp unable to do a single thing about it. Wishing for death that never comes for you. You just watch from the sidelines, everyone else being able to be happy and have good things happen... but not you, no. You're encased with this black tar that is misery. Other people see but are unable to pull you free, and eventually everyone gives up. A few stay to watch, but mostly they all just leave. And the more you struggle, the tighter its hold becomes until you're not only drowning in it, but its crushing you as well. Unable to die.
I hate my life.
Brandi
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