So occasionally things happen, that catch a person off guard. Good things. Things that are never ever expected because well life in general just sucks and people suck and I suck. It is however, really nice to know that some people do appreciate me. Although at times I don't know why. I'd like to say that I am awesome at my job, and sometimes I really believe that, but sometimes I worry that I fake it. That I fake everything. I fake caring about anything, I fake knowing how to do my job... and then people come in and either praise me on my work or in some cases give me a tip...like today.. and it just throws me for a loop, and thoroughly confuses me.
We're having the church restored. The contractor is with American Craftsman, and is incredibly nice, he has been from the beginning. Cute too, but that's beside the point. Anyway yesterday he was trying to get his check, but I didn't have it. The bank had brought it by but some other people had it for some reason. Anyway after getting him in touch with some people only to discover he probably couldn't get his check yesterday he left somewhat angrily. Later, the people who had the check brought it to me, and I called the contractor to let him know I had it, he thanked me, and when he came to get it this morning, he wanted to "buy my lunches for the next few days" and gave me $40 bucks. And it massively threw me off. I mean, from time to time people will come in and do that, another of the church members gave me $20 once to "show appreciation" and hell, I'm not one to argue, I need the money... but it makes me feel so weird. I appreciate it. Really I do. It just throws me off because its so nice. I'm more likely to hear the ways I've gone wrong than that I'm doing good, and I don't even really feel like I've done anything... good or otherwise. blah.
Sooo I've been going to therapy, one on one and group. It's alright I guess, I'm not sure I like group but I probably need to stick with it for a while. I really like Steve (therapist). He's pretty awesome. His voice is all calming and soft, and I like the way he thinks. I know that I probably won't always feel that way. I'm sure I'll get mad at him, or hate him even, in fact just last week, Jon contorted my thoughts and for a while I was fighting the urge to be mad at Steve... and he didn't even do anything. It was just stuff Jon said, that was getting to me. I ended up bawling like a baby and totally freaking out because I knew I was being irrational, and I was trying desperately to calm down and stop being crazy... Michael saved me. I heard him moving around in his kitchen so I went out and cried on him for a bit, and he hung out with me til shortly before Jon got home, and I calmed down pretty quickly. I just needed someone I guess. I hate being alone and getting lonely is kinda dangerous. My head is a dangerous place to be all by myself lol.
I worry sorta that once a week for one on one therapy isn't enough.. by the time It's time to go again, I've started freaking out a day or so before. and group isn't really helpful.. then again I've only been twice so maybe it'll get helpful.
Absolutely HATE my medication. But luckily the month is almost up, so I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday to discuss the meds. Hopefully he'll give me something else... then again, the only real side effect I have now is the tiredness and no sex drive. The nightmares stopped a few days ago... oh and they gave me a 2nd period. How nice. This is now 2 months in a row I've gotten 2 in one month. Maybe its not the pills... I might bring that up while I'm in there. I've also discovered that if I forget to take one, or take it later than usual, I get a migraine within 2 days... and that is NOT cool. As for my emotional state, I don't really feel much better. I don't think... I'm not really sure.
Pioneer Days is Saturday, and so is Jon and I's one year anniversary. He has to work until 3:30 but that's okay I suppose. Mom is in the parade, and I entered Puck for the pet photo contest. He's so damn cute :) So I'll be going with mom and Dwight I guess, and watching the parade by myself...Actually I suddenly really don't like that idea at all. I didn't even think about it... I'LL BE ALONE... in that HUGE crowd.... I have to find someone to go with me :/ I can't do that alone.. oh no...I'll ask Russell! lol
Anyway, I miss my sister a whole lot. She moved to Georgetown. I wish things weren't so hard for her. I wish I could see her more. I also wish I could get a new car. lol
Ugh.. I had something specific I wanted to talk about and now I don't remember what it was. Maybe I did already? I don't know. I guess I'll go though. I'm doing okay I suppose.
Brandi Evans
No comments:
Post a Comment