I'll lead a war with no conclusion and in the final hour I'll be a confident coward. Cuz if we stand for nothing, we'll fall for anything. You're not a hero, you're a liar. You're not a savior, you're a vampire sucking the life out of all the friends you've ever known.

Heroes - All Time Low

Sooo I got a new car about two weeks ago. Its a 1998 Toyota RAV4, and I kicked Jon out a few days later. I was so insanely proud of myself. I took a friends advice, sucked it up, took control, and did what needed to be done. And I felt GREAT...until today. Even last weekend was awesome. At least more awesome than anything I usually do on the weekends (which is nothing).

Last Friday, Amber, Stephen, Austin, and Hayden were over, and a friend I hadn't seen in a LONG time came over too. It was a actually a lot of fun. Then Saturday, I decided to go to Georgetown with Amber. It was nice, wanting to go do something, and actually doing it. Usually I find an excuse not to go, or I just can't because Jon has the car. But since he's been gone, I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. And I really love the freedom.

I decided I was gonna do more stuff like that. I was gonna start going out again. Seeing people. Having a life... being 24. And then today I realized.....I don't have any friends. lol. I totally isolated myself. I've pissed off a TON of people lately, without even slightly caring, and honestly those that are gone, it's probably for the best... but wtf am I supposed to do now? I still need a new job because I don't have the money for the life I want.... and I'm working on that. I've been applying places like a crazy person, and following up... but no one calls back... annnd there's that little thing about not really having many friends here, and the ones I do have, are just as isolated and boring as me. lol no offence guys.

I wanna go out and DRINK... and yes, I don't drink.. but I want to! I want to be more confident and do things just because I want to. I want to not care what anyone else thinks and I think I'm doing better at it at least....

I'm tired of making excuses for things. I'm tired of being bummed out over nothing. I'm tired of avoiding my life. I want what I want, and although I'm not really sure what that is right now,  I'm fucking determined as hell to figure it out.

There was one thing I realized I wanted....but I think it was more for the game than the prize. I like a good challenge... and that would be all well and good except I realized today that there really was no prize and ergo no game. It's a lost cause. And that's depressing. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't just for the game. Because I think if I just got a taste of the prize, that wouldn't be enough. But It's a losing battle... there's no way I can win, not with the circumstances that are present. Not with all the confidence and positive thinking in the world. It just isn't possible.. and even if it is I'm not sure I could do it....I don't mean that like.. I can't necessarily... but I shouldn't. What if you knew, something you were doing or trying to do, should it work, could potentially ruin someone else's life. Someone you'd never even met... but still. Could you do it? I don't know that I could. Don't get me wrong... I've played a hand in ruining a few lives but I don't think I really meant to. This time.. I know what I'm doing, I know what it could mean, and even if I could..idk that I should. I have no idea if any of that made any sense but... there it is.

I'm done with group I think. I don't wanna go anymore. Monday all I could think about was how much it really wasn't helping anymore. I think I'm okay enough to go on on my own without group at least. Think I'll still with one on one for a bit longer, but I'm done with group. I need to get back to work anyway. They're starting to get a tad bitchy.

Found out today that my sister in law has cancer. What is it with this family and cancer??? On BOTH sides, and granted she isn't blood to me, but DAMN. On my moms side, grandpa, and one of my aunts had it. On my dads side, my uncle, and my dad. And now my sister in law. You've got to be kidding me? I think the world is trying to send me some sort of fucked up cosmic message that I need to watch myself. I really need to quit smoking. Lung cancer on both sides of the family... lol I'm kinda asking for it. Oh well. I don't care.

Sooo anyway.. I'm working on confidence, getting a new job, hopefully moving out, and having a real life. I'll be 25 in a month and shit needs to get together. I was kinda bummed when I started this post, but I'm feeling kinda pumped again. I can do this. Wish me luck.

Brandi