Jinx me something crazy, thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me i'm out and on the parkway. Patient and waiting for headlights dressed in a fasion thats feeding to the inconsistancies of my moods. It's times like these when silence means everything, and no one is to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man on Third

They're first album was so good... kinda went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, I like some of their newer stuff... but the first was definitely the best by far.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so empty...hopeless....pointless. I know I just need to go to bed, but I'm so tired of sleeping. I'm so tired of everything. I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't fix this. I'm not in control of anything it seems. Self sabotage.. I'm pretty good at that. Hell, I'm an expert. But I feel like I'm being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, and I can't make it stop. Life keeps happening, and I can't even slow it down, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna be 25 in 18 days, and I can't stop it. Why would I want to right? It's only 25.... because I'm nowhere. Nothing. I thought I'd have things figured out by the time I turned 25... that things would finally be okay because how long could things possibly stay so bad.. but I was wrong. There's no way I can fix everything that's still broken in 18 days. And I'm losing my health insurance in 18 days too...which means no more therapy for Brandi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

The only thing I've accomplished, in the last 25 years.... I got married, and separated. That's it. I'm having a hell of a time finding another job. I still live with my parents. And I'm a part time secretary, that cries herself to sleep most nights, and is excellent at self sabotage. What am I supposed to do with that??? What am I supposed to do period?! I'm about to be shoved off the cliff and I can't find a single life line. Why do I do this to myself? How did I even get here?? I tried so hard, I kept moving, searching, for anything. And when that didn't work, I stayed put, and tried to get some experience and stability. And what did that accomplish??? NOTHING. I have bills I can barely afford, and I still live with my parents. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. It's Friday night and you know what I've done since I got home from work? Not a damn thing. I watched TV with my parents. Tried to learn a little Spanish. And now I'm whining on the Internet about how sad and pathetic my life is. And now I hate myself even more.

The really messed up part?? I don't even know how to give up. I don't know how to just let things happen and not try to manipulate the outcome. I bet it'd make things easier though. Just go with it. Those words sound so foreign.

This has to stop... how can I still feel so trapped? Things feel so incredibly out of control... I really need to go to sleep. Reset..... Good night.

Brandi