You look darkly on the day, with memories to light your way. A little sad but it's alright, we are always living in twilight. No one knocks upon your door, until you don't care anymore. A little alone but it's alright, we are always living in twilight.

Living in Twilight - The Weepies

So, apparently I'm not losing my therapy next week like I thought. I'm covered until I turn 26, not 25 thankfully. I've got to be the only person in the world who dreads their birthday... I hate it almost as much as I hate Christmas. I'm not really sure why, except I know it's going to suck. My therapist says I should really stop doing that... the whole.. future prediction thing. Apparently I don't know what's going to happen at anytime...but I do. I know it's going to suck. Because everyday sucks. The difference is, it's going to suck more because I'm more aware of it on my birthday, because it isn't supposed to suck. Does that even make sense? eh..whatever. Why does it have to fall on a Wednesday? Don't get me wrong, there's really no difference in it falling then than on a weekend, except I can't spend the day hiding in my room bawling because I have to work. Stupid day. I can't wait til it's over. I'm hoping I'll feel better when it's done. *sighs*.

So Jon texted me this morning. He told me I'm like a stranger, and he feels like he's never even met me. I get it. I feel the same way...about me and everyone else. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure I ever really did. I just feel so bad all the time I don't really know what to do with it. And subsequently, I feel like I don't know anyone else either. Everything feels wrong. I feel so crazy disconnected from everything/everyone... Almost like nothing is real. Like I'm not real...

I've also kind of turned into a man hater. lol. I don't know what it is... they just ALL irritate the hell out of me without even trying. Every word just grates on me because it's so STUPID...even when it isn't. The only thing I seem to be able to think when someone of the opposite sex tries to talk to me is "uuuugh SHUT UP GOD!" I know that's bad. Especially since no one's really done anything or whatever... I'm just angry I guess. But I'm not really sure why.

I'm still hoping I'll die before next Wednesday. I know that's asking a lot. And I'm not that lucky... but I can hope right? I think I'm through wishing I'll feel okay. Jon was right when he said he couldn't see me ever being happy. It just isn't in the cards for me. And that's okay I suppose. As long as this doesn't last much longer. Because I don't know how much more I can take. Nothing bad is happening... my brain just won't shut up. I feel awful. If it's possible to feel claustrophobic without being in a small space... that's how I feel. And it hurts, a lot.

Brandi