Don't you see? Don't you see? That the charade is over. And all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday.

Dashboard Confessional - Best Deceptions

I... I'm broken. I should have taken my own advice. I knew how this was going to go. I knew what was going to happen. But is that why? Because I was negative and "predicted" what would happen and made it that way just because I'm so negative? No, I don't think so. This was always how it was going to be. You'd think I would have been more prepared for it. Because that's just how it works. Every time. This is only the 2nd time it's been so intense though. Maybe that's what makes it worse.

I wish I could be more like a guy. Every guy I've met recently.. they're so guarded. So unwilling to let anything hurt them. Their hearts are clad in steel cages, nothing will get through. Why can't I do that? Why am I always so willing to let things happen? Why do I keep letting things hurt me? I have about a 30 second guard.. and once I decide I like something, all bets are off... my heart is like a raw exposed nerve and I'm just setting myself up. I keep coming back for more. As if once wasn't enough. How could I let this happen again? And at this point I'm not even sure what hurts more... that it happened again, or that I let it go far enough to hurt this much. I'm so insanely naive. I should have taken the words to heart and disregarded everything else. It hurt but not this much. Because this time I need to accept it's the end and move on with my life. I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of having to do this crap. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna work two jobs to just barely survive. I don't wanna be in love. I don't wanna exist. What am I even doing??? I don't even know why I bother with about 99% of the shit I do. I'm never going to be happy... I mean seriously. When have I ever been before? What is the point of going through all of this? I'm not learning anything, clearly. What good could possibly come from this? What good has come from ANYTHING I've had to deal with this far? I need to just accept that I'm stupid, and stop making my own decisions. I mean.. I try not to make my own decisions anyway, but it's mostly the little stuff I let other people decide for me, and ultimately I still go off whatever I think... I just like opinions. But I think from now on.. I should give other people total control of my life, because apparently I'm not doing it right. Or maybe I'll kill myself. I'm running out of reasons not to, and at this point I don't even care if it hurts. I'm so tired.

I've been sick for like a week too. Coughing so much my back is killing me. Maybe it'll turn into pneumonia and I won't have to do anything. Maybe I can get sick and die. :(