So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wild and I never saw you coming. And I'll never be the same.

Taylor Swift - State of Grace

So Thanksgiving is next week. Awesome. I don't understand why this family can't just have a normal Thanksgiving anymore. The last... 8 years... have had totally fucked Thanksgivings. Seriously. We've either been at TRF freaking CAMPING...which.. don't get me wrong I like camping.. but not for Thanksgiving. OR I've been in another state alone. This year? We aren't going to TRF... no instead, I get to get up before dawn, cook a turkey, and take it out to Thousand Trails where mom works, to do Thanksgiving there, at 10 am. Really? *sighs*, then Christi has to work so I'll probably spend the rest of the day sitting in my room pretending it's not Thanksgiving. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the holidays? Because I really do. Oh, you know what last Thanksgiving wasn't so bad, we did it at Christi's when she lived in Waco... but even that wasn't normal. Then again, what's really normal? I don't know.. I just really hate the holidays. After Halloween... seriously the rest of the year can pretty much suck it as far as I'm concerned. I hate Thanksgiving, I hate Christmas... I REALLY hate Christmas. It's so depressing. I'm alone, and miserable and... it just sucks. Just thinking about it is bumming me out like whoa. I want a puppy. With a bow. Lol. A fluffy one, that's gonna be big.

So onto other awful subjects. Boys. Jesus, sometimes I really hate my life. Why does no one like me? Am I really that much of a pain in the ass? And I swear, I'm so sick of hearing the same shit over and over from different people. Why can't they just be more upfront. "I just don't like you." would go a long way with me. Rather than "I don't wanna just jump into anything." Or "I'm not looking for a relationship" and then turn around and talk about how lonely you are. Fuck you. Seriously. It's not like I want to marry your ass. I don't ever wanna get married again.. I just want someone to hang out with, that I can at least tolerate being around, who will talk to me, and cuddle with me, and have sex with me regularly. Is that REALLY so difficult? That isn't THAT much to ask I don't think... and although I've gotten pickier about who I can tolerate being around... seriously I'm pretty low maintenance most of the time. Mostly, because I just don't give a shit about anything. You know I haven't cried, REALLY cried... In weeks. I'm much happier since I moved out. But I'm thoroughly annoyed I can't find a damn boyfriend. Seriously it's not like you even have to take me out or anything.. just come hang out with me, chat... watch TV or something.. occasional sex.. maybe spend the night every once in a while... Low maintenance. I don't get it. I'm just sick of being alone all the damn time. And I get that I can be needy as hell... but really who isn't? But whatever I guess. I give up. I'm not longer speaking to anyone of the male persuasion anymore unless they talk to me first. You can all just go fuck yourselves as far as I'm concerned.

There is one in particular I like a lot... pretty sure that one is lumped with all the rest. Zero interest in me. Whatever. I don't even fucking care. I don't even know why HE is the one I attached to... I mean.. he's really cute.. and amuses me.. I like being around him and stuff.. but... I dunno. The whole situation is just really stupid and irritating to me. I don't wanna talk about that. I'm gonna get mad lol.

New house is great. Like I said, I'm much happier here. I dunno why really.. maybe because there's always someone to talk to or hang out with... my room is really bright because of all the windows... I get to see Puck more often and play with him. It's pretty awesome. I can walk to work.. and I do... everyday. Plus Rhayvn and I have been walking in the afternoons, that's been fun. I like hanging out with her. Even though I'm about 90% sure she thinks I'm batshit crazy.. but hey, I'm fun! Lol. Puck seems happier too. He always has someone to play with or to pet him. He's so sweet. So much sweeter than Christi and Michael's cats haha. Plus, I like living in town. Dunno why.. Just do. I like sitting on the porch with Christi and/or Rhayvn and watching the cars go by lol. It's oddly relaxing.

I like Taylor Swifts new album. It's pretty cool. At least like.. 8 out of the 16. Lol.

Oh! Dustin is probably coming home from boot camp in the next two weeks. I can't wait to see him! He's so full of awesome, and I've missed him a lot. He's fun. Lol.

Anyway.. I dunno what else to say really. I'm pretty bummed about the boy situation... and the stupid holidays.. but other than that, I'm good. So guess I'll go for now.

Brandi

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful. You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see. You turn every head, but you don't see me. I'll put a spell on you. You'll fall asleep, and I'll put a spell on you. And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, and you'll realize that you love me.

Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung

Happy Halloween!!! Wish I could say it was. But the only thought I seem to be capable of at the moment is " SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT! SON OF A BITCH!!!! AHHHHHH"

Think I messed up. Which is nothing new, I fuck up all the time. But I may have REALLY fucked up this time. I'm waiting... maybe I didn't. Maybe it'll all be okay. But I can't ignore this sinking feeling, that says it's irreparable. But I wasn't mean to anyone this time. It wasn't me getting mad and blowing up. My temper is fully in check. FUCK.

Lol... I keep like... staring off into space and thinking... and the end of every thought... not even the end because I can't seem to have complete sentence thoughts, ends in swearing. Most of the morning was me muttering to myself "son of a BITCH". Apparently I've moved on to "fuck." but it's more drawn out... more like fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk. UGH. Please please please please please don't let me be right about this. Please say I didn't fuck up horribly. Please please please please please. I'll do anything. Just someone make it okay. I need to be slapped. Seriously. Who does this shit!? God but it was... fuck! Ahhhh!!!!

I gotta go. Have a good day... shit...

Brandi


***Update
So everything is fine. Per usual I was freaking out over nothing. So why am I so depressed now? I didn't want it to go bad... I'm glad it's fine...I feel....defeated though. =(

Walkin' down this rocky road, wondering where my life is leading, rollin' on to the bitter end. Findin' out along the way what it takes to keep love living, you should know how it feels my friend.

Bad Company - Ready For Love

Soo I don't remember when my last post was, I probably should have looked but I didn't, get over it. lol I guess it's been a while. Simply because I can't remember what the last thing I talked about was, but a lot has happened.

I moved out. I've been in the "new" house for a few days now. My room is all set up... about 95% anyway. Christi, Michael, Rhavyn and I are renting the churches rent house. I can literally walk to work now.. and it takes a lot less than than driving used to haha. Saves me gas too, which lets face it, I'm really going to need lol. But I have my own room, and it's pretty big room too considering I think it's actually supposed to be some sort of sun room.. judging by the 6 freaking windows... and I have a fireplace! Kinda.. lol I'll post pics at the end of this. But I like it. And Puck has more room to run around, and there's always people for him to be around and 2 other cats so he won't be lonely anymore. Although I was gone for a long time today and he hasn't left my side since I got home.. but that could be because I left him alone at moms for two days and he missed me.. and thinks I'm going to abandon him :/ I couldn't take him before Sunday though. The doors were open I didn't want him running off. But I think this will be good.

I don't know if I said before, but I'm planning on starting college in January. I'm waiting for an IRS form to come in from last year to give to the school and financial aid, and then I'll give them the rest of the paper work they need too. This is contingent on house much financial aid I get though. I'm hopeful like most people there'll be some left after I pay for classes and books and I can knock out a few bills for a semester... if not, I can't do the school thing and I'll probably end up getting a 2nd job. Brandi is poor. And since I have MORE bills now.. it's going to be a lot worse. But I think I can handle it... things are just going to be REALLY tight. Something had to be done... so I did it.

I've accomplished a lot this year I think. I've made a few really good moves towards improvement. Don't get me wrong, this year sucked.. it's been really hard. But I'm okay. And it's not often I can say that, but really.. I'm okay. I haven't felt really bad in a while and even the things that would normally send me over the edge are just.. whatever. Example? I went to the DMV today to switch my drivers licence back to my maiden name, and change my address (which cost less than I thought it was going to, woot!) then decided to drive to Cleburne to switch my social security card. I took 171 which is odd because I've only gone that way ONCE in my life. Well I got pulled over in Covington. And got a ticket... in a school zone. I wasn't even speeding the sign had JUST changed to 55... but he insisted it hadn't and I was going 41 in a 35. Dick. I've never gotten a ticket in my life. Not even that time I was doing 70 in a 50. So I'm annoyed, but what can I do right? So I accept it, and continue driving. I kept control. Then I get to Cleburne, to find that the social security office closed at 3:30. It's 4. Now tell me why the fuck a government office would close so early?! Ugh! So I call mom. I'm pissed at this point. I spent about 5 minutes crying to her on the phone, and then I just.. calmed down. and I'm fine. And my mood only improved from there. I got a few groceries, stopped by moms and chatted for a bit, and came home. Oh and I got to moms, and had a letter from Dustin! That always makes me happy. He's doing much better, which is good. I'm happy for him.=)

Sooo I kinda quit smoking. Dunno if I mentioned that before. I switched to this... e cig thing but it's got liquid in it that's flavored. Granted I've been cheating quite a bit lately... I'm in a much better mood, but I'm still pretty stressed out. Lol who wouldn't be? I have twice the bills I had before. Anything goes wrong (like getting a speeding ticket) and I'm fucked. and not in the fun way. lol.

Moms Halloween party was Saturday. It wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thanks to people. =D

But seriously, things are pretty good. Stressful, but good. I have this feeling, that everything is going to be okay. Ergo, not worrying about it too much. But there's a boy I kinda like... trying to keep myself in check on that front is never easy so we'll see how that goes. I'm not so good with the go with it and see... I don't possess a lot of patience. I like to just jump into things. But that isn't really an option here. So we shall try and not be full of crazy ^_^. haha. But he seems all kinda shy and it's cute. He's cute. And he was crazy sweet the day I met him. I hope he likes me =/

On another note, yesterday was interesting. I was sick.. but in a weird way. I was FREEZING... I literally could not get warm. Everyone kept saying it was REALLY hot in my room and I just could not get warmed up. And then there was the tired... I was soooo tired. Being out of bed for even a little while made me feel like I was going to pass out.. Other than that I was fine, until about 9 ish...I got up and as soon as I stood up felt sick to my stomach... then I got a headache.. laid back down... and then got back up to puke. Wasn't nice. Then I woke up this morning and was totally fine. What the hell?? Was the weirdest "sick" I've ever been. Oh, and I did have a fever yesterday. I dunno how high... two people felt my head and said I felt hot, but that it was hot in my room... my hands and feet were like ice, and I was cold all over.. there's no way it was just from the heat in my room. Also, my lips are all burny today.. which usually means I've had a fever. A significant one. That's the only time my lips ever do that burning nearly chapped thing is when I've had a fever.

Anyway, things are good. But I'm tired. Later!!!

Brandi

Oh! Pics of muh room! Lol I've moved a few things since then.. but generally.. here tis

You push me. I don't have the strength to resist or control you, take me down, take me down. You hurt me, but do I deserve this? You make me so nervous, calm me down, calm me down.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed - Maroon 5

I'd give anything to leave this place. To run, drive, walk, fly... whatever anywhere that isn't here. Somewhere with mountains, and snow. Somewhere I could wander off into no where, and just sit there staring out at mountainous awesomeness in front of me. Where there were no responsibilities, no worry, no care, no pain, no sadness just... scenery, and cool, clean mountain air. Somewhere I wouldn't need anyone to talk to, because my company would be nature. I could be happy there. Puck would have to go too obviously. But he wouldn't be afraid. Like me, he'd just sit and take it all in. Maybe run around and play like he does, but he'd be happy. And when the sun starts to set, he'd climb into my lap and let me pet him, and he'd just purr away... both of us completely serene. I think I'd even be okay with no Internet, or phone, or TV.

I could do it. I could run away. I could go out into nowhere and just live. I wouldn't need money. other than to get there.. surely I could find things to eat and drink. I could figure out how to make shelter. I'd probably at least take a pillow and blanket though haha. And of course Puck, my trusty cat companion. People do it all the time, right? And I would be literally giving everything I have. My social life.. or lack of, rather... everything I own (except pillow and blanket, cat, and maybe some clothes..) Puck doesn't really eat... meat like things though. I wonder if he'd be okay eating birds and what not. He's never had to be a hunter so I'd have to do it for him probably... take a knife or something.... might take some persuading to get him to eat it too. Such a picky cat. How could this not be a tremendous idea? Just go....

The downside, is me being afraid of the dark. And the things IN the dark. Good chance of being mauled by a bear...or Puck being eaten by some wild animal.. or hell even me being eaten by a wild animal. Maybe we'll live in a tree. I bet Puck could live with that. I haven't a clue how to make a tree house or whatever. Hell in most cases I can't even climb trees. Maybe a cave. I bet I could find a good cave to live in. I actually really like that idea. The cave idea. Could even make a door of some sort to keep out unwanted animals so Puck doesn't get eaten.

Then there's the whole.. people would probably be looking for me thing. I imagine I'd get in pretty big trouble if anyone found me.... sooo I'll just not be found. =) I really like this idea. I need to come up with like a solid plan... but it could be good. I could totally be a wilderness person. I've been homeless before. Food might be a tad difficult due to the fact that I've never hunted.. pretty sure I can't kill anything.. and I have no idea what types of vegetation are edible in the wild. But I can learn. Or I'll die. Whatever really.

Brandi

And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again. Cause I have other things to fill my time. You take what's yours and I'll take what's mine. Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.

 Mumford & Sons - The Cave

I have a lot to say, and yet nothing at all. Guess I'll start with today...

So it's the 15th, meaning I had court this morning and I'm officially divorced. Officially Brandi Goddard again. Didn't bother me near as much as I expected it to. Weird.
I also quit smoking. Mostly. Not today... but Saturday. I opened a pack Saturday, and I still have most of it. I switched to this smoke juice stuff... it's flavored. I only had one real cigarette today.. and it was disgusting.. kinda made me sick to my stomach even. Plus this smoke juice stuff is going to save me a lot of money, so that's good. I think I like the Butter Rum one the most. It's pretty good.... kinda like... caramel.. but not. Lol I dunno.

So some pretty awful stuff happened. But I can't really talk about it. Saturday night. I feel like I don't really have the right to be upset about it.. because I got myself into it. But it scared the piss out of me.. and I am considerably upset... although not, at the same time. If that makes any sense. I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. As long as I don't really think about it. When I do I feel like I'm gonna breakdown but then my mind shifts to something else and I'm fine. Puck really is an amazing cat. I got home that night, showered and got into bed.. and he was right there... I laid there crying and he like... laid in front of my face and put his paw on me.. purred really loudly and he stayed there until I fell asleep. It was kind of comforting. I love him so much. He really is the best.

Through all that, what I feel the most is... disconnected. That couldn't possibly have actually happened. Maybe it was a nightmare. It probably didn't even last that long but it felt like forever. But most of all, I feel stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I'm too trusting. And I don't even know why, I mean it's not like anyone has ever done anything to gain my trust... except a few friends (girls)... but guys... why am I so quick to trust? Especially with my past... you'd think I'd have this incredible unbreakable wall of... something unbreakable. But I don't... if I have a wall at all it's made of tissue paper. And then there's the confusion. I don't understand. :( ... but it's my fault. It's all my fault because I should have just stayed home. I should just always stay home. I should stop believing anything guys say to me. I'm an idiot.

I'm going to college. Starting in January. Gonna get my financial aid stuff in sometime this week along with my admissions application to Hill. No idea what I'm going to go for though. I was going to do microbiology until I realized how much math was involved and that there was a good chance I'd have to kill/dissect animals...I can't do that. I don't touch dead things, and I can't kill anything. So now I haven't a clue. Maybe just a certificate program, but what? I was looking into ones that were TSI waived, meaning I won't have to retake the math accuplacer, OR do a developmental math class. There are only a few.. but I don't know which to go for. I have time though. She said she can still put me in classes up to a week after they start, so as long as I get my financial aid stuff set up, I'll be fine. It seems so far away. Like it won't really happen. I won't really get there. I'll never get out of this town, and I'll always be poor.

I'm so sad.. and for once, I don't even care that I'm alone. Because I don't really have anything to say. And I think my days of trust are over. From here on out, everything is suspect. Nothing is safe. That's how it should have been all along.

Brandi

If terror falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said.

The Fray - Be Still

I don't know what's wrong. Today I just feel.. disconnected. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna see anyone, I don't want anything. Nothing feels real. This is what I imagine hell would be like for me, if there is one. My hell wouldn't be fire. It would be dark, cold, and alone. It would be wandering around no where, with no one, with nothing, forever. The things that make me sad, the things that remind me of how cold the world is would be there.. silhouettes of sadness all around me. That would be my hell. Or maybe not, maybe that's reality. That's how things look to me anyway. So maybe I'm dead, and this is hell. Except there are still people here, people I love... but I still feel completely alone. Everything feels cold, and dark.. even when the sun is out.

So my brother in law went to my sisters for a week. My parents are leaving for vacation in a few days and I'll be here alone. For four days. Completely alone.. with no one. I'm an adult I should be able to handle that. But the closer it gets, the sadder I get. I don't handle being alone very well.

I don't even know how to describe with words how I feel right now. Maybe a Harry Potter reference.. Dementors. Like all the happiness has been sucked from the world, and I'll never be happy again. But thanks to my occasional brain malfunction, I can't remember what it feels like. I can't remember ever being happy a day in my life. I can't remember what anything feels like, except how I feel right now. Which is... indescribably sad.

I don't have a real reason for it. I just woke up like this today, and as the day drags on, the worse I feel. I even double dosed my gaba. It didn't work. Jon has cancer. That isn't the reason for this though. I don't even really care that he pretty much told me I shouldn't care. I did.. but I don't now. I don't care about anything. At all. I feel... totally dead inside. My life is like being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from... I don't even know that I want to wake up.

You paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.

Taylor Swift - Dear John

So that last post was a little...dramatic. I'm okay now. I was freaking out about the wrong things.. things that don't matter. I honestly don't care that much about any of that. I am really stressed out... but it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I really need to either find a second job, or just get a full time one that pays more. I'm really suffering. I can't live like this.. I know I've said that about a thousand times but it's still the truth. I'm sick of having to borrow money from my parents just so I can make my bills... I'm sick of having to live with them. I'm 25 I need to be on my own, and I have no idea how to change that. I've been looking, applying other places but no one calls.  I'm drowning here. And even if I did get better financially, then what? Move out? Alone? I'm not even sure I could handle that. Parents are going on vacation soon, I'll be alone for about a week.. what the hell am I going to do? I can't go that long without human contact and God knows no one's going to hang out with me. And why would they? I freak out every few days or so and take it out on innocent by standers. I'm not that exciting anyway.

My divorce is bothering me too. Don't get me wrong, I know it's right, and it's a good thing.. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. All I ever really wanted from my life, was to get married and have kids. I know.. why don't I just set myself back to pre-women's lib.. but still, that's what I wanted. Well I got married.. that blew up in my face horribly, and I can't have kids. So really, what's the point now? I suck at being a wife.. and I'll never be a mother. I'll never get married again.. but still I failed. I could have.. tried harder or something I don't know. I'm scared about court... and tired of being alone.. so poor I can't walk across the street and so stressed out I feel like I can't breathe about 90% of the time. Literally... It's like someones reached into my chest and are squeezing the hell out of my lungs/heart all that. It hurts. It's all I can do not to be crying all the time, so as a result.. I've been sleeping more than usual. I'm so tired anyway, but I know it's the stress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it... I don't know that there is a fix.

I spent so much time, years ago, running away. It was fun, I learned a lot.. but life follows you wherever you go. The same problems, or different ones. People have always told me... battered me with even, that things get better.. but they don't. At best, things change, to a different hell. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm.. drowning. Even my gaba stuff doesn't seem to be helping anymore. No one can help me, and I don't know how to help me, or if I can be helped.. it's scary. I just feel so bad, all the time. In general, and for bringing the people around me down with me. I don't mean to.. I just get overwhelmed and it happens. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm trying, I really am... but the point of it all.. is oblivious to me.

Brandi