That's 3 Doors Down - Away From the Sun.
Good song. Appropriate song.. but then again I think most of them are. I really like 3 Doors Down. They seem to just.. get it. As if I really know what "it" is? ugh...
I feel awful. But I'm thankful for Puck. I don't know what I'd do without him. I came up here in a relatively bad mood, and he's been in my face since I got up here... which admittedly was really annoying because he wouldn't get off the damn keyboard.. but now hes just like laying in front of it with his paws on my shoulder. It couldn't possibly be comfortable for him but I appreciate it none the less. I don't know what I'd do without him. He helps me more than I could ever explain. Cat's don't judge. Puck doesn't judge. The looks he gives me are more general concern than judgement. I love him. And I'd do just about anything for him.
Anyway, I'm not going to give you insight into my BPD this post because honestly who gives a damn anyway? No one reads this crap as it is. It helps me a bit but I just don't feel like it right now. And I can't seem to remember anything I've read today anyway.
I'm not sure why I'm upset. Everything is kind of hazy... I'm sad but numb. And I don't know why. My eyes feel almost glazed over, like I can barely focus on anything. I want to die. Or cut. Either one would help really... but if I start cutting then I'll have to explain it later and "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer because no one seems to understand that.. sometimes I just freakin hurt for no reason. There's nothing I can do about that. Sorry. Get over it. But I can't think of a way to off myself that will actually work. I don't have any pills strong enough (not that it matters, overdosing on seriously powerful crap never worked in the past why would it now?).. I'm too much of a chicken to try to drown myself.. or cut deep enough... I suppose I could try hanging but even that could prove difficult. All I have are white twinkle lights left over from the wedding and somehow that just seems... tactless. And who would take care of Puck? My mom? Jon? Well Jon would probably be fine but mom and puck? I wish I could just accept that I'm stuck here. I'm probably never going to die. And that is REALLY depressing.
As much as I hated being a teenager, I kind of miss it. I miss the lack of responsibility. Being able to spend every penny I got on whatever the hell I wanted without worrying about not being able to pay a bill if I did. I miss thinking I could leave this awful town. I miss the hope that there would be a light at the end of the high school tunnel. Now there's nothing. No dreams. No hope. No light's... nothing. There's just nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for... nothing left. The best I can hope for now is death. The sweet sweet surrender of permanent escape.
It couldn't possibly be healthy that the only thing left for me to look forward to in life, is the end of it. But I honestly can't think of anything else. The only things I ever really wanted out of my life was marriage and kids... (I realize that it's sad that that was the best I hoped for) the most sad part of it is that I won't even get the whole part of that sad ass dream. I got marriage. But I'll never have kids. And I shouldn't. Chances are they'd turn out just as screwed up as me even if I COULD have them, which I can't.
Talking to kids and being positive while doing it, is such hard work. I admire their dreams. I admire that they can hope and dream for things and that it could actually be a possibility for them, even the far fetched dreams, could happen. I understand encouragement is important for them, so I do when I'm talking to one, but it's so much work. When you know, that although it could happen for them, all their dreams could come true, it isn't likely. The world is cruel. Reality is even crueler. Life sucks. Being an adult sucks. Murphy's law - everything that can go wrong, will. And that sucks. It's all too late for me. Nothing will ever change for me. But I hope to God if there is one, that it will for them.
I wish BPD didn't exist. I wish I could be okay and still hope for things... but there's nothing left to hope for. I'm going to be broke, working a dead end job for the rest of my life in this miserable hot ass desert hell of a state. And the worst part? I'm going to drag my husband down with me, because for some reason he insists on sticking around. Even though I suck the life out of everything. Honestly It would just be better for everyone if I were dead. I contribute no good to anything. I have nothing left to hope for. And I'm too damn negative. If I could change that.. if I knew how.. I would. But I just have nothing left. I have no energy for it. Everything hurts so freakin bad... I don't even want to try anymore. I'm dead inside already. I hate me.
Brandi Evans
No comments:
Post a Comment