I bought a book at Hastings... 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me' by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Staus.
It's helpful kind of. Although to be honest I'm having trouble getting through it. It's interesting enough I just keep having distractions. Therefore I can't really remember everything I've read like I can with books I read without interruption. There were a few things that stuck out. That first article I posted about BPD had a lot from the book. It's crazy though reading about it from a doctor's point of view. I mean I guess the other websites are probably products of some doctors research, but it's weird seeing it in depth. There were a few things I remember reading that I wanted to share. They stuck out significantly. No copyright infringement intended.
This book is an updated version. It explains in the preface, that there are sections that have merely been updated, but also whole passages have been added. The copyright page indicates this edited revision version was printed December of 2010. I don't know if that is when it was edited, but that is when this copy was printed at least. I probably should have paid more attention in the copyright page lesson in school. haha.
Anyway like I said there were a few things I wanted to share, mostly quotes from people in the book that I can relate to. The author indicates in the preface that despite that there have been advances in the research of BPD, that it was disappointing to review the preface of the older version of this book only to find how misunderstood this illness was a mere twenty years ago. That BPD continues to confuse and terrify professionals as well as the general public. Also that as recently as 2009, time magazine reported that "Borderlines are the patients psychologists fear most". That is interesting. It's almost.. nice to know people fear me.... FEAR ME!!! hahah... anyway... Marsha Linehan, a leading expert on BPD stated that (and this part is in the article I posted in an earlier post)
"Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."I can see how that would be accurate. The whole, freaking out for trivial things. How simple words, even those not meant to hurt, can be excruciating and ruin an entire day if not more, or even make me hate someone.
The book also goes on to explain the case of a specific individual, Jennifer. It explains how we search for solid identities, because we lack one of our own, or are not able to see it. We are basically emotion chameleons. We will let people do pretty much anything to us, as long as they can give us a solid roll in life. And actually sometimes even want bad things to happen, just so we know we're still alive, because we tend to be incredibly out of touch with reality. Which sucks by the way, but I can honestly see how I have been a party to that as well. I'm always searching for other people to tell me what to do, or what I like. I lack structure in my life. I do not have a life of my own. There are things that I do.. I go to work, pay my bills, feed and take care of my cat, talk with my family. But my views and ideals change constantly. I tend to adapt to whatever the person I'm with feels. It also says that while borderlines are sensitive to other people emotions, we lack empathy. Which I guess is why I frequently feel like I don't care. People will tell me things and I want to care, and sometimes I can even relate, but I sometimes feel the empathy I show them is fake. I hate to say that but it's true. Trying to fix myself won't work unless I'm completely honest and I suppose empathy is something I need to work on.
Later on in the book it goes to explain the "emotional hemophilia" that we borderlines deal with constantly.
"Beneath the clinical nomenclature lies the anguish experienced by borderlines and their families and friends. For the borderline, much of life is a relentless emotional roller coaster with no apparent destination. For those living with, loving, or treating the borderline, the trip can seem just as wild, hopeless, and frustrating.
Jennifer and millions of other borderlines are provoked to rage uncontrollably against the people they love most. They feel helpless and empty, with an identity splintered by severe emotional contradictions. Mood changes come swiftly, explosively, carrying the borderline from the heights of joy to the depths of depression. Filled with anger one hour, calm the next, he often has little inkling about why he was driven to such wrath. Afterward, the inability to understand the origins of the episode brings on more self-hate and depression. A borderline suffers a kind of "emotional hemophilia"; she lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate her spurts of feeling. Prick the delicate "skin" of a borderline and she will emotionally bleed to death. Sustained periods of contentment are foreign to the borderline. Chronic emptiness depletes him until he is forced to do anything to escape. In the grip of these lows, the borderline is prone to a myriad of impulsive, self-destructive acts--drug and alcohol binges, eating marathons, anorexic fasts, bulimic purges, gambling forays, shopping sprees, sexual promiscuity, and self-mutilation. He may attempt suicide, often not with the intent to die but to feel something, to confirm he is alive. "I hate the way I feel," confesses one borderline. "When I think about suicide, it seems so tempting, so inviting. Sometimes it's the only thing I relate to. It is difficult not to want to hurt myself. It's like, if I hurt myself, the fear and pain will go away." Central to the borderline syndrome is the lack of a core sense of identity. When describing themselves, borderlines typically paint a confused or contradictory self-portrait, in contrast to other patients who generally have a much clearer sense of who they are. To overcome their indistinct and mostly negative self-image, borderlines, like actors, are constantly searching for "good roles," complete "characters" they can use to fill their identity void. So they often adapt like chameleons to the environment, situation, or companions of the moment, much like the title character in Woody Allen's film Zelig, who literally assumes the personality, identity, and appearance of people around him. The lure of ecstatic experiences, whether attained through sex, drugs, or other means, is sometimes overwhelming for the borderline. "
It would take me forever to explain the entire contents of this book. Even longer just to quote it. But I'll explain somewhat what the "splitting" is like. Splitting, is where we pretty basically see everything (everyone) in black and white. All good or all bad. And what can be all good one minute, can be all bad the next. The book describes it as a child's view of superheroes and super villains. We see everything like that. We are basically children, emotionally. We cannot tolerate human inconsistencies, cannot transform ones good and bad qualities into a constant. We can think the world of a person one day, thinking they are the best person in the world, and the next day they could be the scum of the earth. The messed up part is that, people cannot be all good all the time. People are disappointing at best. Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately borderlines have trouble seeing things that way, if at all. There are very little, if at all, shades of gray. If you mess up, we're going to hate you. And every bad thing about you that we've been blind to, comes forward and we most likely will throw everything possible in your face. Your good qualities, don't exist. Whereas if we are idealizing you, you can do no wrong. Any bad qualities do not exist. You are perfect in every aspect. For a time. Even in some instances, offending situations, we can twist to blame ourselves for in order to maintain the "all good" view of you.
We lack the ability to synthesize the feelings of good and bad, and see a person or thing as a whole like most people can. Instead, borderlines shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one emotional state while were in another.
Anyway I don't feel like doing this anymore now, it's getting really late.
Later.
Brandi Evans
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