Anyway I thought I'd add some more information on BPD. Just in case the article before wasn't helpful. I can see how it may be somewhat confusing ergo, another article. (Sources noted beneath insert.)
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships."Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
- Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
- Disrupted family life
- Poor communication in the family
- Sexual abuse
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
- Fear of being abandoned
- Feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
- Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
- Intolerance of being alone
- Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Source -- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/
Anyway, I got new shoes today! It's horribly sad, but my other ones are dying... and by dying I mean the sides are ripping open and the side of the sole on both shoes is torn. It was a sad day.. but I really like the new ones. They are similar, but a different brand, and they have a zipper... and white shoe laces instead of black. I may buy some cooler shoe laces tomorrow if there's time. I have to go to Waco. Jon has his bowling league thing and I need a new tire for my car (again). I just got a new one about two weeks ago because I hit a curb rather hard and popped the front driver side tire.. but part of the back driver side tire is hanging off although hasn't popped yet luckily. I found a place in Waco that has a used one my car's size for 25 bucks including mounting it. Sweet deal :) My tires brand new are anywhere from $85+. And that sucks. I seriously cannot afford this crap.
We're paying rent now and I have way too many bills for how much Jon and I make. I learned today that at least his schedule at work is changing a little luckily. He's moving to days on the weekends so I'll actually get to see him a little more. And that'll be good. We don't see each other enough, and that is part of our arguments usually. I need attention and he's never around. The bowling league was a big thing for a while. I was SOOO mad when he joined. His days off are Tuesday and Wednesdays.. I work until 2 and then I have the afternoons with him.. but It isn't enough and then when he took up the bowling league that took away Tuesdays. So I got a few hours with him ONCE a week. Usually I sleep until 11-12 on the weekends, and he leaves at 3 so that doesn't leave much time and hes SO cranky when he gets up.. lol.
This will be good though I hope. Also we've almost been married a year and that is exciting. I'm glad we didn't call it off all those times. I love him. Usually. I have to add that because, well I'm crazy. And sometimes I don't like anyone much less love them. I still wonder if love is even real. I like having him around.. and I like being close to him. It feels somewhat healthy. I think any more than that borders obsession. And that isn't healthy. I've been there... it hurts almost as much as an "episode" and it's really not cool. Then again, that's how I feel when I almost lose him. It's like massive panic and fear. I need therapy seriously I am so messed up. People shouldn't feel like this. I should know people love me. I should know that I love them. But I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like I don't have feelings at all. And other times I feel like I have way too many. I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I can't tell or something. Even right now. It seems like when I'm not upset, I don't care. I don't really feel anything. And (I'm about to post lyrics) like in Three Days Grace --
"Pain"
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When
Trust me and take my hand
When the
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Anger and
Are better than misery
When the lights go off you will understand
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
"
I actually think that song is probably about sex, but either way you get the point, it applies. Although I don't think I'd rather feel pain... I think I'd rather feel nothing, but nothing scares me a bit. I feel like if I don't feel anything I'm more likely to be capable of something really awful. and I don't want that. I have read (and heard) in various places, that BPD rarely exists without another mental illness. I wasn't in therapy long enough to find out if I had another one, but the chances are good and I wonder what it is if any? I have often wondered if I'm mildly schizophrenic. I do, from time to time see things that are not there.. but I hear things more often than I see them. Although that could be a product of all the anti psychotics I overdosed on as a teenager. Who knows really. But I can tell you, I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of the things I think sometimes. The things I seriously consider doing. Sometimes, I wonder if I did something horrible.. if I'd even feel bad about it, or if I'd be upset that I got in trouble for it. I honestly don't know.
I hate being in trouble. I hate when people hate me. I hate when people are mad at me... but they're all the same to me. If I'm in trouble or someone is mad at me, they hate me. And what's even worse? I hate them too, for hating me. It's a messed up situation. Anyway I need to go, I feel weird.
Brandi Evans
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