It's scratching on the walls, in the closet in the halls. It comes awake and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end! I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Skillet - Monster

I hate the way my mind works...

I wish I could just forget the things I want to forget. Sometimes I think about that movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. if you could erase someone completely from your memory... would you want to? Yes.  I think I would. On the other hand I'm some-what convinced I'm addicted to misery. So maybe I wouldn't because on some sick masochistic level I like feeling like this. I like beating myself up mentally and telling myself I'm nothing so why would someone like him ever want anything to do with me? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? Maybe I like knowing he feels nothing for me, because I like how it feels to feel like nothing. That's really stupid though, isn't it. I don't care. I hate the way my mind works. It's so twisted and backwards and... negative. So very negative. I don't even really understand my fascination with him. None of it even matters. I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again, and maybe it's for the best.  Because this isn't healthy. And it isn't right.. and it's killing me inside. I know I'll be okay in a few days with no contact.. but right now.. I just feel... destroyed. I wish he felt anything for me. :( I wish I didn't feel so... gone.

On a higher note.. I've been exorcising like a crazy person. And watching what I eat of course. I do stretching/elliptical first thing in the morning.. then during the week, I shower and go to work, come home, go to the track with Heather for 3 miles of walking/running/bleachers come home, relax for a bit then back on the elliptical. The weekend is the same except the work part, and I may sub out the afternoon elliptical for something else depending on how I feel. Hopefully getting a bicycle soon. That'll be fun.. then we'll be riding bikes out at Thousand Trails instead of walking/running/bleachers at the track.. which gets boring.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel like total hell emotionally. I need to go.