Memories are debilitating.. even the good ones can crush through you like a high speed train only to leave you this mangled mess of crippling emotion...sometimes even the good ones are worse than the bad..

Not lyrics this time.. that's all me..

I was laying in bed a little while ago thinking about the past.. but not the bad past... the good past. I don't understand why memories are so painful. Even the good ones.. I feel worse than if I'd been thinking about the bad ones. Simple memories even.. sitting in my room playing Frogger on my computer listening to Taking Back Sunday.. the way my room looked, the house we lived in.. going to Waco with Becky and Chris... Sitting in the hall before school with my friends... Passing notes in study hall... talking on the phone (which is something I LOATH doing now..) I hated high school. Hated it. and I don't miss it at all. But those things... I miss those things. I miss my friends. I miss the simplicity of being a teenager, even though even then it was filled with possibly more psychoticness than my adult life is. I don't remember really.. I remember a lot of doctors.. a lot of medication.. and a lot of pain. But the good memories, the things mentioned above.. those are the things that made it all worth it so WHY does it hurt so much right now thinking about it? I feel like I'm being crushed.. like I can't breathe. My life is so empty now. Dead end job, no money, I rarely see any of my friends, several of which live really far away, some that aren't even friends anymore.. I just sit here in my room on my computer doing nothing, or playing a game, or sleeping... alone. What is the point of my life? I'm not going anywhere, things are really only getting worse.. I'm 25 and divorced, I can't have kids and even if I could, I can't afford myself much less anyone else.. I'm not going anywhere. What is the point? My existence isn't doing anyone any good especially not me. I hurt.. a LOT. And there isn't really any reason in it.. or for it.. And the worse part about all of it? I don't even WANT to do anything. I don't want to have to go get a second job.. I don't want to go to school.. I want this all to be over because I'm tired of having to fight for everything. It's all always been a huge fucking fight and I don't have anything left anymore to fight for. I don't have anything left to fight WITH. Please.. please don't make me do this anymore. I just can't.