I never trust a dog to watch my food, and I like to use the word "dude" as a noun or an adverb or an adjectrive. And I've never really been into cars, I like really cool guitars and superheroes and checks with lots of zeros on them. I love the sound of violins and making someone smile. If you wanna know here it goes gonna tell you this. The part of me that shows if you're close gonna let you see everything. But remember that you asked for it. I'll try to do my best to impress but it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest but you wanna hear what lives in my brain, my heart, well you asked for it. For your perusing, at times confusing, possibly amusing, introducing me.

Introducing Me - Nick Jonas.
I know I know.. that song is so catchy though haha.

So probably not going to get a Kia Soul. But DriveTime approved me for financing so I'm going to Temple on Tuesday to check it out. See how much they will approve me for and see if I can't get a new to me vehicle. We shall see. I don't really have much to say today, mostly because I don't really seem to give a damn about anything other than the whole car issue thing the last week or so. It's almost like other than the car thing, I'm not real. I don't feel anything else. So! I'm gonna go now! lol bye!

Brandi Evans

When we built up walls around us, our hardened hearts can't bare. The healing hurt's so badly, that no one seems to care.

That is Undeniable by MXPX. Good times.

Soooo my car is going to die. The engine, and clutch are about to go. Needs an alignment, an oil change, new windshield, and the radiator thingy keeps over heating. My brother in law gave it about another month. Jon gave it two weeks. And that SUCKS.

If the car dies, Jon and I are both screwed. We share that car.. and if neither of us can go anywhere, we both lose our jobs and then we're going to be even worse off than we are. Oh just go get another car is what you're thinking? yeah right. I personally make about 900 dollars a month. Then I have $580 worth of bills, and then $150 rent payment. which leaves me ABOUT 100 bucks a month. Not near enough for another car payment. Also I don't have money for a down payment. I'm screwed.

There has to be a way I can get some help with this. I found a KIA Soul for like $14,000. I was thinking if I could come up with like $10,000 in CASH maybe I could get the car. It's pretty awesome and only has 50,000 miles on it. I don't know, but I'm gonna think of something. I will figure this out somehow. That or you'll be reading awful posts from me in the near future about how nothing ever goes right and blah blah blah. Ugh I'm so whiny all the time... Someone really should just slap me. haha. I wonder if that would even work? Oh well!

Well I have research to do! ttyl!

Brandi

I'm over this. I'm tired of living in the dark. Can anyone see me down here? The feeling's gone, theres nothing left to lift me up back into the world I know. Now again I've found myself so far down, away from the sun that shines into the darkest place, I'm so far down..

That's 3 Doors Down - Away From the Sun.
Good song. Appropriate song.. but then again I think most of them are. I really like 3 Doors Down. They seem to just.. get it. As if I really know what "it" is? ugh...

I feel awful. But I'm thankful for Puck. I don't know what I'd do without him. I came up here in a relatively bad mood, and he's been in my face since I got up here... which admittedly was really annoying because he wouldn't get off the damn keyboard.. but now hes just like laying in front of it with his paws on my shoulder. It couldn't possibly be comfortable for him but I appreciate it none the less. I don't know what I'd do without him. He helps me more than I could ever explain. Cat's don't judge. Puck doesn't judge. The looks he gives me are more general concern than judgement. I love him. And I'd do just about anything for him.

Anyway, I'm not going to give you insight into my BPD this post because honestly who gives a damn anyway? No one reads this crap as it is. It helps me a bit but I just don't feel like it right now. And I can't seem to remember anything I've read today anyway.

I'm not sure why I'm upset. Everything is kind of hazy... I'm sad but numb. And I don't know why. My eyes feel almost glazed over, like I can barely focus on anything. I want to die. Or cut. Either one would help really... but if I start cutting then I'll have to explain it later and "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer because no one seems to understand that.. sometimes I just freakin hurt for no reason. There's nothing I can do about that. Sorry. Get over it. But I can't think of a way to off myself that will actually work. I don't have any pills strong enough (not that it matters, overdosing on seriously powerful crap never worked in the past why would it now?).. I'm too much of a chicken to try to drown myself.. or cut deep enough... I suppose I could try hanging but even that could prove difficult. All I have are white twinkle lights left over from the wedding and somehow that just seems... tactless. And who would take care of Puck? My mom? Jon? Well Jon would probably be fine but mom and puck? I wish I could just accept that I'm stuck here. I'm probably never going to die. And that is REALLY depressing.

As much as I hated being a teenager, I kind of miss it. I miss the lack of responsibility. Being able to spend every penny I got on whatever the hell I wanted without worrying about not being able to pay a bill if I did. I miss thinking I could leave this awful town. I miss the hope that there would be a light at the end of the high school tunnel. Now there's nothing. No dreams. No hope. No light's... nothing. There's just nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for... nothing left. The best I can hope for now is death. The sweet sweet surrender of permanent escape.

It couldn't possibly be healthy that the only thing left for me to look forward to in life, is the end of it. But I honestly can't think of anything else. The only things I ever really wanted out of my life was marriage and kids... (I realize that it's sad that that was the best I hoped for) the most sad part of it is that I won't even get the whole part of that sad ass dream. I got marriage. But I'll never have kids. And I shouldn't. Chances are they'd turn out just as screwed up as me even if I COULD have them, which I can't.

Talking to kids and being positive while doing it, is such hard work. I admire their dreams. I admire that they can hope and dream for things and that it could actually be a possibility for them, even the far fetched dreams, could happen. I understand encouragement is important for them, so I do when I'm talking to one, but it's so much work. When you know, that although it could happen for them, all their dreams could come true, it isn't likely. The world is cruel. Reality is even crueler. Life sucks. Being an adult sucks. Murphy's law - everything that can go wrong, will. And that sucks. It's all too late for me. Nothing will ever change for me. But I hope to God if there is one, that it will for them.

I wish BPD didn't exist. I wish I could be okay and still hope for things... but there's nothing left to hope for. I'm going to be broke, working a dead end job for the rest of my life in this miserable hot ass desert hell of a state. And the worst part? I'm going to drag my husband down with me, because for some reason he insists on sticking around. Even though I suck the life out of everything. Honestly It would just be better for everyone if I were dead. I contribute no good to anything. I have nothing left to hope for. And I'm too damn negative. If I could change that.. if I knew how.. I would. But I just have nothing left. I have no energy for it. Everything hurts so freakin bad... I don't even want to try anymore. I'm dead inside already. I hate me.

Brandi Evans

Nothing stops the madness, burning, haunting, yearning, pull the trigger. You should have known the price of evil. And it hurts to know that you belong here, yeah. No one to call, everybody to fear. Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah. Oooh It's your f**kin' Nightmare.

That's from Avenged Sevenfold's Nightmare.

 I bought a book at Hastings... 'I Hate You Don't Leave Me' by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Staus.
It's helpful kind of. Although to be honest I'm having trouble getting through it. It's interesting enough I just keep having distractions. Therefore I can't really remember everything I've read like I can with books I read without interruption. There were a few things that stuck out. That first article I posted about BPD had a lot from the book. It's crazy though reading about it from a doctor's point of view. I mean I guess the other websites are probably products of some doctors research, but it's weird seeing it in depth. There were a few things I remember reading that I wanted to share. They stuck out significantly. No copyright infringement intended.

This book is an updated version. It explains in the preface, that there are sections that have merely been updated, but also whole passages have been added. The copyright page indicates this edited revision version was printed December of 2010. I don't know if that is when it was edited, but that is when this copy was printed at least. I probably should have paid more attention in the copyright page lesson in school. haha.

Anyway like I said there were a few things I wanted to share, mostly quotes from people in the book that I can relate to. The author indicates in the preface that despite that there have been advances in the research of BPD, that it was disappointing to review the preface of the older version of this book only to find how misunderstood this illness was a mere twenty years ago. That BPD continues to confuse and terrify professionals as well as the general public. Also that as recently as 2009, time magazine reported that "Borderlines are the patients psychologists fear most". That is interesting. It's almost.. nice to know people fear me.... FEAR ME!!! hahah... anyway... Marsha Linehan, a leading expert on BPD stated that (and this part is in the article I posted in an earlier post)

 "Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

 I can see how that would be accurate. The whole, freaking out for trivial things. How simple words, even those not meant to hurt, can be excruciating and ruin an entire day if not more, or even make me hate someone.

The book also goes on to explain the case of a specific individual, Jennifer. It explains how we search for solid identities, because we lack one of our own, or are not able to see it. We are basically emotion chameleons. We will let people do pretty much anything to us, as long as they can give us a solid roll in life. And actually sometimes even want bad things to happen, just so we know we're still alive, because we tend to be incredibly out of touch with reality. Which sucks by the way, but I can honestly see how I have been a party to that as well. I'm always searching for other people to tell me what to do, or what I like. I lack structure in my life. I do not have a life of my own. There are things that I do.. I go to work, pay my bills, feed and take care of my cat, talk with my family. But my views and ideals change constantly. I tend to adapt to whatever the person I'm with feels. It also says that while borderlines are sensitive to other people emotions, we lack empathy. Which I guess is why I frequently feel like I don't care. People will tell me things and I want to care, and sometimes I can even relate, but I sometimes feel the empathy I show them is fake. I hate to say that but it's true. Trying to fix myself won't work unless I'm completely honest and I suppose empathy is something I need to work on.

Later on in the book it goes to explain the "emotional hemophilia" that we borderlines deal with constantly.

"Beneath the clinical nomenclature lies the anguish experienced by borderlines and their families and friends. For the borderline, much of life is a relentless emotional roller coaster with no apparent destination. For those living with, loving, or treating the borderline, the trip can seem just as wild, hopeless, and frustrating.
Jennifer and millions of other borderlines are provoked to rage uncontrollably against the people they love most. They feel helpless and empty, with an identity splintered by severe emotional contradictions. Mood changes come swiftly, explosively, carrying the borderline from the heights of joy to the depths of depression. Filled with anger one hour, calm the next, he often has little inkling about why he was driven to such wrath. Afterward, the inability to understand the origins of the episode brings on more self-hate and depression. A borderline suffers a kind of "emotional hemophilia"; she lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate her spurts of feeling. Prick the delicate "skin" of a borderline and she will emotionally bleed to death. Sustained periods of contentment are foreign to the borderline. Chronic emptiness depletes him until he is forced to do anything to escape. In the grip of these lows, the borderline is prone to a myriad of impulsive, self-destructive acts--drug and alcohol binges, eating marathons, anorexic fasts, bulimic purges, gambling forays, shopping sprees, sexual promiscuity, and self-mutilation. He may attempt suicide, often not with the intent to die but to feel something, to confirm he is alive. "I hate the way I feel," confesses one borderline. "When I think about suicide, it seems so tempting, so inviting. Sometimes it's the only thing I relate to. It is difficult not to want to hurt myself. It's like, if I hurt myself, the fear and pain will go away." Central to the borderline syndrome is the lack of a core sense of identity. When describing themselves, borderlines typically paint a confused or contradictory self-portrait, in contrast to other patients who generally have a much clearer sense of who they are. To overcome their indistinct and mostly negative self-image, borderlines, like actors, are constantly searching for "good roles," complete "characters" they can use to fill their identity void. So they often adapt like chameleons to the environment, situation, or companions of the moment, much like the title character in Woody Allen's film Zelig, who literally assumes the personality, identity, and appearance of people around him. The lure of ecstatic experiences, whether attained through sex, drugs, or other means, is sometimes overwhelming for the borderline. "

It would take me forever to explain the entire contents of this book. Even longer just to quote it. But I'll explain somewhat what the "splitting" is like. Splitting, is where we pretty basically see everything (everyone) in black and white. All good or all bad. And what can be all good one minute, can be all bad the next. The book describes it as a child's view of superheroes and super villains. We see everything like that. We are basically children, emotionally. We cannot tolerate human inconsistencies, cannot transform ones good and bad qualities into a constant. We can think the world of a person one day, thinking they are the best person in the world, and the next day they could be the scum of the earth. The messed up part is that, people cannot be all good all the time. People are disappointing at best. Everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately borderlines have trouble seeing things that way, if at all. There are very little, if at all, shades of gray. If you mess up, we're going to hate you. And every bad thing about you that we've been blind to, comes forward and we most likely will throw everything possible in your face. Your good qualities, don't exist. Whereas if we are idealizing you, you can do no wrong. Any bad qualities do not exist. You are perfect in every aspect. For a time. Even in some instances, offending situations, we can twist to blame ourselves for in order to maintain the "all good" view of you.

We lack the ability to synthesize the feelings of good and bad, and see a person or thing as a whole like most people can. Instead, borderlines shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one emotional state while were in another.

Anyway I don't feel like doing this anymore now, it's getting really late.

Later.
Brandi Evans

We are brash and reckless. Made of glass and careless, we break apart the moment we both feel too much. 'Cuz when it hurts, it hurts. You wonder if it's worth it. But when it works it works, and when it's broke it's perfect...

That is Just the Way I'm Not - All Time Low. I love them. Seriously, haha I know I've said that before, but I really really do.

Anyway I thought I'd add some more information on BPD. Just in case the article before wasn't helpful. I can see how it may be somewhat confusing ergo, another article. (Sources noted beneath insert.)

"Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:

• Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
• Disrupted family life
• Poor communication in the family
• Sexual abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

"
Source -- http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

Anyway, I got new shoes today! It's horribly sad, but my other ones are dying... and by dying I mean the sides are ripping open and the side of the sole on both shoes is torn. It was a sad day.. but I really like the new ones. They are similar, but a different brand, and they have a zipper... and white shoe laces instead of black. I may buy some cooler shoe laces tomorrow if there's time. I have to go to Waco. Jon has his bowling league thing and I need a new tire for my car (again). I just got a new one about two weeks ago because I hit a curb rather hard and popped the front driver side tire.. but part of the back driver side tire is hanging off although hasn't popped yet luckily. I found a place in Waco that has a used one my car's size for 25 bucks including mounting it. Sweet deal :) My tires brand new are anywhere from $85+. And that sucks. I seriously cannot afford this crap.

We're paying rent now and I have way too many bills for how much Jon and I make. I learned today that at least his schedule at work is changing a little luckily. He's moving to days on the weekends so I'll actually get to see him a little more. And that'll be good. We don't see each other enough, and that is part of our arguments usually. I need attention and he's never around. The bowling league was a big thing for a while. I was SOOO mad when he joined. His days off are Tuesday and Wednesdays.. I work until 2 and then I have the afternoons with him.. but It isn't enough and then when he took up the bowling league that took away Tuesdays. So I got a few hours with him ONCE a week. Usually I sleep until 11-12 on the weekends, and he leaves at 3 so that doesn't leave much time and hes SO cranky when he gets up.. lol.

This will be good though I hope. Also we've almost been married a year and that is exciting. I'm glad we didn't call it off all those times. I love him. Usually. I have to add that because, well I'm crazy. And sometimes I don't like anyone much less love them. I still wonder if love is even real. I like having him around.. and I like being close to him. It feels somewhat healthy. I think any more than that borders obsession. And that isn't healthy.  I've been there... it hurts almost as much as an "episode" and it's really not cool. Then again, that's how I feel when I almost lose him. It's like massive panic and fear. I need therapy seriously I am so messed up. People shouldn't feel like this. I should know people love me. I should know that I love them. But I'm not so sure. Sometimes I feel like I don't have feelings at all. And other times I feel like I have way too many. I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I can't tell or something. Even right now. It seems like when I'm not upset, I don't care. I don't really feel anything. And (I'm about to post lyrics) like in Three Days Grace --

"Pain"

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery

When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain
"


I actually think that song is probably about sex, but either way you get the point, it applies. Although I don't think I'd rather feel pain... I think I'd rather feel nothing, but nothing scares me a bit. I feel like if I don't feel anything I'm more likely to be capable of something really awful. and I don't want that.  I have read (and heard) in various places, that BPD rarely exists without another mental illness. I wasn't in therapy long enough to find out if I had another one, but the chances are good and I wonder what it is if any? I have often wondered if I'm mildly schizophrenic. I do, from time to time see things that are not there.. but I hear things more often than I see them. Although that could be a product of all the anti psychotics I overdosed on as a teenager. Who knows really. But I can tell you, I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of the things I think sometimes. The things I seriously consider doing. Sometimes, I wonder if I did something horrible.. if I'd even feel bad about it, or if I'd be upset that I got in trouble for it. I honestly don't know.

I hate being in trouble. I hate when people hate me. I hate when people are mad at me... but they're all the same to me. If I'm in trouble or someone is mad at me, they hate me. And what's even worse? I hate them too, for hating me. It's a messed up situation. Anyway I need to go, I feel weird.

Brandi Evans

Give me therapy I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything. Therapy you were never a friend to me, you can keep all your misery.

Alright, so Friday was a considerably bad day. But venting on here like I did seemed to help. I was mostly calmed down by the time I got home. I ranted and raved to my family for about an hour, and after that I was totally fine. So, sorry about that.

Anyway, I tend to like to title things with lyrics from songs. The first and 2nd post were from the same song. Back to Me by 3 doors down. Today's is Therapy by All Time Low. I love All Time Low. I'll start naming the song in my posts.

So Thursday and Friday night I was up really late trying to finish working  on Jon and I's wedding photos. They needed a LOT of editing. And a few of them I added extra editing to because well I'm awesome at it, and its kind of fun... and I had the time Friday night before Jon got home. He hasn't even looked at them though. My mom did... but my step dad and Jon both said the same thing..."I was there, I remember it." Totally not the point. I like showing off my mad editing skills :(. Especially because those pictures were REALLY bad... they were all dark and ugh... It annoyed me to no end. Which is mostly why I put off doing it for so long. I knew it was going to take forever. In total, it took me 18 hours to edit them. And I did it in 2 days. 161 photos. Now isn't THAT some shit? lol Anyway, I'm pretty proud of my work, so I'm going to post a few at the bottom of this post if it will let me.

I have picnik.com's premium, so there is a TON of things I can do on it. I love that program. And it's only like $25 for a year. You can do the free version too but the tools aren't as cool. I've been using picnik for years, but I just got the premium last year sometime. I may add a few pictures that aren't from the wedding as well. I like taking and editing pictures... sometimes. Most of the time I guess, but it's sort of hard to make myself do it. I never really want to until I actually start doing it. It's a good time waster at least.

I don't really have anything else new to report though. It's been a very quiet weekend (Thankfully). Watched a couple movies... slept a LOT... oh and I dyed my hair. I liked the pink a lot, but I'm trying to find a better job, and the likelihood of anyone hiring someone with pink hair, is slim to none. Jon and I went on... I don't know last Wednesday I guess? And ate at Tres Hermanos. They finally got that rebuilt. It's good too. Also my friend Marco works there, I bet he's glad to be back at work.

Haha last night Jon found a video I made of Puck... I kinda made him dance lol Jon liked it. I'll see if I can't add that on here as well, it's cute :). Alright well I don't have anything else to say so here are a few pictures and the video of Puck.

The song that's playing in the video, is Monsters by Matchbook Romance.

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just... GRRRRRR damn it!!!!! I want this STUPID DAY TO BE OVER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only got 3 hours of sleep because I have to finish those damn wedding pictures for Jon's mom and I STILL have 35 left to do.... and then I almost hit a dog this morning (I didn't though) but even just that about sent me over the edge.... I get to work THE FREAKING A/C ISN'T WORKING.... This is TEXAS it's hotter than HELLLLLL here!!!!!! and to top it off.... I have to finish the bulletin for Sunday.. and that would be all well and good except THE F**KING PRINTER WON'T PRINT!!!! Do you KNOW how freaking USELESS Dell troubleshooting is?? TOTALLY EFFING POINTLESS!!!

And as for you judgemental asses who think that this is just stupid shit that I should just be able to get over because it's stupid. F**K YOU! You don't know ANYTHING about me! Ohhh God doesn't give a person more than they can handle... Are you f**king kidding me? Try living in my head for more than a day. I guarantee you couldn't do it. Do you think I LIKE having insignificant things send me totally over the edge? WELL I DON'T! okay, it really SUCKS. It hurts like hell and happens at horribly inopportune times, like now for instance. I'm at work, trying desperately not to throw a fit, and I'm now shaking like crazy and getting a headache, and fighting back massive tears. Not to mention I tried that stupid rubber band trick... where instead of cutting you put a rubber band on your wrist and pop it on your skin... I've successfully left whelps and these weird red dot things all over my wrist. Thanks.

I HATE THIS JOB SO MUCH SOMETIMES!!!! Nothing EVER works!!!!

And certain people status' on Facebook... I really wanna punch you in the face right now. Like seriously. If you were here, I would punch you in the face. You don't know what you're talking about, you stuck up little brat! YOU don't know ANYTHING!

NONE OF YOU KNOW ANYTHING!!!! I'm glad everyone hates me. That's right, who needs you stupid people anyway. You don't know me, you don't know anything! I don't need anyone!

GRRRRRR I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!