I'm only pretty sure, that I can't take anymore. Before you take a swing I wonder, what are we fighting for? When I say outloud I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss? I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me. How's it gonna be, when you're sure I'm not there? How's it gonna be when there's no one there to talk to between you and me cuz I don't care.

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I've been so angry. I'm always angry. I honestly cannot remember a time, since I was like 13 fucking years old that I have not been at least a little angry. Anger is a hard emotion to get rid of. My reasons for being angry have changed a lot since then, but still the anger stays. And I don't deal with it, so of course it festers until I snap at some poor unsuspecting person. Usually when it's not even their fault. I just don't know where to direct it so the very slightest bit of frustration I get from them I point every ounce of anger I have and pull the trigger so to speak. I hate that about myself. Lately more so than ever before. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to not turn every little emotion I have into some huge fucking ordeal and take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it even slightly. But a few of my friends have pointed out to me at least something. Everything bothers me so damn much, because I massively over analyze EVERYTHING. Every word, action, thought...gets analyzed into the ground until I'm so confused I can't stand it and I've blown everything way out of proportion. But that isn't even all of it. I have this psychotic need to be talking to someone, anyone, at all times. Because I can't tolerate being alone. I can't stand being stuck in my head with nothing but my thoughts because it's fucking painful. So I turn into this crazy person who starts throwing a fucking fit like a 2 year old when someone takes too long to respond, or doesn't want to hang out or whatever the case may be.. simply because I can't stand being alone with myself. And then when I piss them off, or upset them or whatever... I wonder why. And I turn it so it's all their fault.. when it isn't. It's me. It's always me. I'm fucking bat shit crazy, and I have no idea how to stop.

Every time I'm talking to someone, or someone doesn't message me or whatever... I start to panic. And I feel it coming, and I try to tell myself it'll be okay, it isn't a big deal, I can handle it. But I can't. And it isn't. That isn't right. I should be able to be alone. I should be able to not be talking to someone all the time. I should be able to sit in total silence, and be okay with it. But I can't. Music always has to be playing, and I always need to talk to someone, even if it's just some bullshit conversation about... celery, who gives a fuck as long as someone is talking to me. But how can someone always be talking to me, when I piss everyone off about every other day. And I chalk it up to they're too damn sensitive...but no. I just need to learn when to shut my fucking mouth and not say whatever stupid fucking thing pops into my psychotic head. I'm a giant ball of insecurity and crazy, and it's fucked up. I hate it.

On another note, I got a new kitten! His name is Mittens! Here is a video of him and Puck playing.

They're so damn cute. That was like day two. Puck was not happy. He's gotten used to him though. I've decided that Mittens isn't really mine, he's Puck's. Seriously, Mittens is the lowest maintenance cat I have ever had, and that is all because of Puck I'm sure. Puck plays with him, cleans him, everything. Every once in a while, I'll see Mittens and put my hand by the ground wiggle my fingers and call to him and he bounds over to me all purring and cute, and I snuggle and pet him, then he sees Puck, struggles to get free and I put him down. He bounds over to Puck, who usually grabs him and starts biting him. haha. It's cute. And he likes his tummy rubbed.. which is weird. I've never had a cat that liked that, but that's how I got him to like me. He was Farrel. One of our feral cats had four kittens, and I brought that one in. Only took a few hours to calm him down though and he's good now. My cats, two perfect little balls of love. <3

I really wish everything didn't hurt so much. Every time something happens, or rather, I piss someone off, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. A few nights ago I said something really fucking stupid to someone... and I spent the next four hours bawling my eyes out and feeling like I was going to vomit. That isn't natural. And then today, I had to go and be all stupid with someone else, and now I want to die. I did before too, but tonight I went too far. It isn't so bad, he'll still talk to me.. but I'm mad at him. He hurt my feelings. And the fucked up part is I set myself up for it. I asked for it even. And I don't know how bad it is, probably not as bad as I think but I doubt things will be the same. They never are after I open my fucking mouth. That's two, in just a few days. And a few weeks ago, there were another two. One of which still kind of speaks to me, the other who hasn't spoken to me since, and I deserve that I really do.  It throws me when anyone talks to me period. So when they stop I really shouldn't ever be shocked. I can't stand me, so why would anyone else?

I wish I could talk to guys like I talk to my friends. And that it could be at least somewhat the same. My friends that are girls, I say stupid shit but not to the degree that I do with guys, and they just kind of let it roll off, or they laugh or whatever, and I don't feel like I need to be careful. But guys, I have to be careful because I'm fucking crazy. And just the fact that they have a penis seems to magnify my crazy like whoa. Why? Why is it different at all? I'm so sick of me.

I think I know what it is. I'm so starved for attention and affection, the slightest prospect of any of that makes me totally lose my shit, and then I fuck up any hope what so ever without even trying. Occasionally I'll realize I'm being bat shit crazy, but do I stop? No, because it makes me feel worse, and then I act worse. I really need to learn to get that shit under control. I need to just....be different. Or be someone else. I've been trying, so hard. Just to act like a normal person, and occasionally I can, but those moments are so few and far between that I just... ugh. I don't know. Maybe I should take up drugs. I'm actually kind of shocked I haven't before. With all the bullshit that goes through my head on a daily basis you'd think I'd be eager as hell to do anything at all to make it shut up for just a few fucking minutes. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. :(

Brandi

I can't get my feet up off the edge, I kinda like the little rush you get when you're standing close to death like when you're driving me crazy. Hold on as we crash into the earth, a bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real, cuz you are driving me crazy. Bite your lips your words are robbery, do you grin inside? You're killing me.

 Blink 182 - After Midnight

So things aren't so bad. If you'd have asked me last week or even a few days ago if I thought I'd feel better today, I'd have laughed in your face. I just don't get over things that fast. But I think I did. I'm over it. Crazy right? I guess that means it wasn't what I thought. Then again most things aren't. Everything always seems so doom and gloom and end of the world when it happens, and it's rarely as bad as it feels. But that's just me. Everything always has to be so extreme with me, it's annoying. I'm sure it doesn't do much for anyone else either.

I can't figure out for the life of me, why/how anyone could ever like me even slightly. It always feels like they're faking it. Because they'd have to be, right? I'm really not an easy person to be around, or even be friends with due to the fact that I'm just down right psychotic sometimes. How the hell did Jon stay married to me? Ugh don't answer that, I don't care. I don't know how I did it.. lol. And that's part of the problem.

I can't say being married to him was all bad though. He did help me a little. On some level the complete lack of affection, or niceness was good for me. It allowed me to learn distance. But it also turned me cold. I've never been this cold. I always cared how other people felt, or if it was my fault someone was in pain. Somewhere between getting married and now, I lost that. Not completely though apparently. The last few days, I care. And that's saying something. Maybe I'm finally getting back to someone that's actually me, and not who I thought Jon wanted me to be. Which I was never really all that good at anyway. None of that made sense did it? Oh well.

So, Blink 182 has a new CD. It came out the end of last year, and honestly I hated it the first time I heard it. And now I can't get enough of it. I must have just listened to it the first time when I wasn't in the mood for new stuff. Who knows. I change my mind entirely too much. Makes my own head spin.

On another note, that I semi touched on a few paragraphs back, Brandi feels good. More like, Brandi has new things to focus on. Focus is good. Then again it's also insanely unhealthy the way I do it. It at the very least borders on obsessing. Who am I kidding, it is obsessing. I hate myself for admitting that, but it's the truth. It makes me feel crazy, but good at the same time. I know that it's bad, and the probability that it'll blow up in my face horribly is high. But for now, it's nice. And the fact that I've managed to function and act like a semi-normal human being is nice too. Despite the crap that goes through my head constantly and makes me worry I'm going to do or say something awful. And I will, eventually. My reserve will falter, and it'll be done before I even realize it. Then I'll be crushed. Because that's how this cycle works.

But who knows, I could be wrong. It's happened before. Maybe for once, the calm reservations I have are real. Maybe I'll be able to keep control of myself. Maybe it won't blow up in my face and something good will come of it eventually. Maybe something without the extremes. Maybe something that can help me stay... okay. Maybe this won't end badly. God I hope so.

I am freezing. Seriously, it's really fucking cold in here. I cannot feel my toes. And on that note, I quit. Until next time people.

Brandi

Even if this chemistry's catastrophe, I don't give a fuck.

Breathe Carolina - I.D.G.A.F.

So, I deleted the last four posts I did. I don't really remember why but eh. And honestly I'm a little pissy at the moment and don't really feel like doing this but whatever.

So I went to therapy yesterday because for some reason I thought it might help my general lack of being able to keep things together this week. I was wrong. It was totally pointless. So I guess I was right before when I said I don't need the therapy anymore.

Also, I'm having nightmares again. I was having really pleasant but sad dreams for like two fucking weeks... and then back to nightmares. I took a nap earlier.. and woke up drenched in sweat and completely freaked out. I hate those ones the most.. the ones that make you sweat. Because then you wake up freaked out, and wet. It isn't fun. And now I'm pissy.

On the upside, after all that crap (that you no longer know about because I deleted the post) with my arm, I haven't been hungry. As soon as my arm started to get bad, my appetite went away completely, and even though its healed it hasn't come back. I'm nearly never hungry, and when I am absolutely nothing sounds good. So when I do eat it's usually just a few bites of something and I'm done. If that isn't helpful, I don't know what is. I'm hopeful it's not healed or something, and I'm going to die soon. That'd be good. There is still a rather large knot under the skin...doesn't hurt or anything but eh. I'm not going back to the doctor. Fuck that. Mom practically had to drag me to the car to get me to go when I did. lol. She kinda just grabbed the keys and was all "come on. we're going to the E.R." and I'm all "the fuck we are..." and then she gives the mom "you'll do what I say or I'll kick your ass" look, and I said fine and we left. I wish I hadn't gone. I should have just waited until Monday and called my doctor. Surely it would have been fine until then. At least it would have saved me a lot of stress this week. And the week before for that matter, but especially this week.

So I bought this gaba stuff, it's a vitamin that's supposed to help me stay calm. It does help to an extent but I was kind of hoping for happy or feel nothing, and that's only the case when my stress isn't that high. Otherwise the stuff is pointless and just makes me jittery on top of stressed. Admittedly, there was a semi fight that I stayed slightly calmer than I ordinarily would have. My rational thinking was a TINY bit better than usual. But whatever. Not enough.

So Dwight was weed eating this morning and found our cat's kittens under Michael's box thing. I wanted to keep one, I named him Sam. But he's a little too young to be away from his mother so I put him back after packing him around for like an hour. (he's about five weeks)... anyway apparently my niece was over earlier while I was napping, and went to see them... they're gone. That's just fucking fantastic. I'll probably never see him again. And he was really cute. But oh well I guess, Puck didn't like him anyway. He didn't smack at him or anything, just smelled him for a long time and then Sam meowed and Puck starts freaking out and hissing lol.  It was kind of humorous.

Anyway I don't really have anything to say...

Brandi

If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maroon 5 - Payphone

This weekend was pretty damn awesome. I went to Georgetown for Austin and Hayden's birthday part at Blue Hole... Which honestly didn't sound even slightly appealing due to the fact that.... well there are things living in that water and that scares the hell out of me. So originally I'd planned on just tanning. But I got in the water almost right away... and it was pretty awesome. I really like swimming where I can't touch, and I don't get tired swimming very easily so I did it nearly all day without really needing to hold on to anything because I'm just that awesome. haha.

Also, Amber and Stephen's roommate type person, is a CRAZY amount of hot. Nice too. But seriously.... very very very hot. I like his facial expressions... as weird as that sounds. lol. He's like... one of those people you can have a complete conversation with, without ever opening your mouth. The facial expression conversations. Lol.... yeah I'm annoying myself even, talking about this soooo....

I need to find a new job. I didn't get the one at the jail, but I knew I wasn't going to so when it happened I wasn't really upset. I need to get out of Whitney. There is nothing here. Waco, Temple, or Georgetown would be nice. Waco puts me closer to Becky, so I'd probably get to hang out with her more. Temple puts me between Amber and the boys and Becky so it'd be just as easy to see both... and Georgetown puts me closer to Amber and the boys. All good options. Just need to find a job, a good job with high pay...and vacation time. It has been two years since I've left this stupid state or even just had a significant amount of time off without having to beg for it. And even when I did get time off it wasn't for me. It was a day or two here and there from getting sick, and a three day trip to Georgetown when Amber was having crisis. I need time off :(. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. I don't really have anything else to say. I need to move. lol.

Brandi

Blessed by your genetics, you possess a certain aesthetic charm. But something's diconnected and you're quite capable of causing harm. Your malice is volcanic, your insecurity titanic, your mood is always manic and I do suppose this masquerade's become a habit.

Eve 6 - Pick Up The Pieces.

So I heard some of Eve 6's new music the other day. I really love Victoria, and this song, Pick up the pieces. They're really great. But I've always loved Eve 6.

So things have been really good. I didn't win the lottery, but that's okay because other really great things have happened. I might have a job at the Mclennan county jail.. (I really really hope so) and that would be amazing. But on top of that, apparently my car insurance had been over charging me for the past 3 years and I got a 500 dollar check from them, which went for new tires for my car. It was pretty epic. Things really are great. I just feel better. I've not had a REALLY bad day in a long time. I have annoyances but they don't last too long. I actually almost feel like a normal person even. And that's really amazing.

Also, I quit therapy roughly a month ago. I don't think I need it anymore. And I've been doing really great without it so I guess I wasn't wrong. :)

The only thing really that's been not so good, Puck got sick. But he's better now so that's good. Only apparently he gave whatever he had to my brother in laws old ass cat Buster, who's like 18 years old. I'm gonna feel like crap if he dies. But I did tell Michael that Puck was sick. There's no justifying it, if Buster dies, it's my fault. Also, I'm stressing a bit about that job because I really want it. Also I'm evidently the town pariah now. lol. But that last part I'm not really worried about. I literally don't care at all.

So I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to death to know that with my new found feeling betterness, I've also sworn off men. I really don't see the point of them. They're warm... and they can be nice. But honestly, no man has ever really been THAT nice to me. And I see now reason to put up with their bullshit anymore. I don't need anyone but me. And I'm finding, that realization is helping me a LOT to feel better. Who the hell needs them. I'm just going to worry about me, and move on with life. Because I feel like I've been asleep for 25 years, and I've finally woken up. And it feels amazing.

I don't regret marrying Jon. I think in a way, it was probably the best move I've ever made. I hurt him, and he hurt me. And I know that it was probably total hell for him all the time. But for me... It woke me up. I see things more clearly now. I know what needs to be done, and I'm doing it. I gained a sense of responsibility that I really needed and I'm on my way to starting my life, which should have been started a LONG time ago. It's cool though, better late than never right? I am a little lonely, but it's bearable. I can handle it. Because I know that soon enough everything will fall into place, and I won't have time to be lonely.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Things are really great. Puck is getting better, I might have an awesome new job, I found tremendous new music, my parents are being nice to me, everything is good. I feel like I'm almost where I'm supposed to be.

Oh! And Becky is engaged!!! Congratulations Becky! I'm so happy for you :-D! Her ring is so pretty too. I wish her all the happiness in the world.

Well I need to go to bed. Night! <3

Brandi

Even now as I write this down, all pretentions disappear. Now our impulses will bite at the ankles of our fear. So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride. Now our hands are tied, the problems lie within, so we pray for night, to start over again.

Swallow the Knife - Story of the Year

Awesome song. I love Story of the Year. Seattle is so pretty ^_^

Sooo I have a few things to talk about, I didn't think I did which is why I hadn't written but I thought of them. :)

My birthday turned out pretty dang awesome. I had an interview that morning (I didn't get the job but that's cool), then Becky took me to the zoo! I love the zoo, it was a LOT of fun. Becky's the best :-D. Then I came home and mommy made me tacos and we had cake and ice cream. I thought I'd be a total mess after then, but I actually feel pretty dang good. My back is killing me but other than that, no complaints :)

So Steve (the new therapist) and I went over my "diagnosis" because HE hadn't officially made one for me. He first said he didn't think I'm a borderline, but pulled out the DSM-IV book thingy with diagnosis' in them and we went over it. He asked what I knew/had been told about it, and I told him, no one that'd ever given me that diagnosis had gone over it with me, everything I got, I got from online. So we went over it, and although I do meet at least 5 of the 9 criteria, he told me I'm the mildest borderline he'd ever met. He said usually, they frustrate from the very beginning and they're uncooperative..but I'm not. He told me he hasn't been frustrated with me at all, and I'm incredibly cooperative. And my ability to stay calm in public, is unheard of for a borderline generally speaking. so yay me! So.. his words were "IF you are a borderline, you're a very mild case." yay me! lol... He also said that I may have been worse in the past (which I was), but that I'd done a pretty good job of working through and recognizing things I was doing that were bad, and controlling it. sooo in other words, I'm not as crazy as anyone thought! HAH! So that was good news ;).

On another note, I'm moving to Washington. How, you ask? I'm incredibly poor, you say? I'm going to win the lottery. I can feel it in my BONES. Yes, I'm aware the odds of that are seriously against me, but I can feel it. I'm going to win. And it's going to be epic. :D yay me again!

On a slightly more negative note, my back is killing me. lol. I don't know what I did. I was showing mom something on her computer, and I turned my head to look at her, and WAM! It felt like someone had literally stabbed me in the back. It hurts to move, breath, anything. So Brandi went to the doctor. He said I just pulled a muscle, and gave me an anti inflammatory, and a muscle relaxer, and it was helping yesterday but I think I just felt so out of it I didn't care that it hurt. Not the case today. Today it hurts pretty bad again. That or my tolerance level is going, and I'm tired of being in pain. Which ever the case, it can stop at any time now because Brandi doesn't like it. lol.

I've been in a pretty good mood lately though. Nothing is really bringing me down. I got a little pissy a few nights ago because of my back, and darkness, and spiders but it's all good. I say pissy, I started bawling like a freakin baby lol. So stupid. But I was tired, and I wanted to go to sleep and there were spiders in the way, and no lights, and I'd forgotten my spider stick. Was pretty awful.

Ewww I saw a SNAKE the other day. I went to church on Sunday, and after I took a diet pepsi to my mom out at Thousand Trails, and when I was leaving there was this long slithery snake on the road, slithering FAST away... it was creepy. I hate snakes.

I can't wait to be back in Seattle. I'm SO excited. It's gonna be epic and awesome, and everything good. yaaaay!

And I can't say what, but congrats to a friend on happy news! I'm sooooo happy for you! yay!

Here are a few pics from the zoo, I haven't gotten to editing all of them yet, but here are a few!

Brandi

Some call love a curse, some call love a theif, but she's my home. And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see broken bones they always seem to mend.

Angus & Julia Stone - The Devil's Tears

So It's Saturday, and I'm home....in my room... alone. As usual. Geez I'm exciting. ;-)
Buuut Becky and I are going to the zoo on Wednesday for my b-day! YAY!!! I freaking love the zoo! I guess that day probably won't be so bad after all :). Unless it rains.... it always rains on my b-day. Every year. I shit you not. But I'm going into work early on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then leaving about 11 Wednesday to go to Waco and go to the zoooooo! wooo!!! I can't wait! I'm gonna get some awesome damn pictures! God I can't wait! And theeennn we're coming back here cuz my moms makin TACOS! I love tacos! :) and cake and ice cream and whatever lol. But Tacos! and Zoo! How could that not be an awesome day!?

On another note, I'm bored. And lonely as HELL. I exorcised today! Like a lot...until it made me feel sick... I actually threw up haha. I'm sure that's not good but I'll get used to it probably. I've gotta get this weight off. I'm so sick of it. Lol... and yet I intend to eat tacos on Wednesday.. haha. They're so good though. I'm hoping exorcising like a bandit will counter act my occasional slip on eating really bad things lol. It was cool though... when it started to hurt, I just went harder! That's what ur supposed to do right? I have no idea. lol.

So I think I've decided I wanna be a freelance photographer. I'm not really sure what to do to do that though so I need to research. I went out Thursday and took a bunch of pictures, and I'll do it again at the zoo on Wednesday. But mom was looking over them and said a few of them would make good puzzles...lol weird. But since I made that decision, I keep seeing a ton of things I wanna take pictures of. Like "oh the light is hitting that PERFECTLY, wish I had my camera with me!" lol too bad I'm pretty sure that doesn't pay well.

Still no luck finding another job. I'm still looking though, there has to be SOMEONE who will at the very least give me an interview. I have damn good experience damn it! My resume is AWESOME. Anyone would be lucky to hire me. I have my crazy, but I usually keep it in check at work. And if I actually have things to do, it's all good. I start working and everything else goes away. I like working. :-) .. I don't particularly like getting up for work, but once I'm there I'm usually good. haha. I want a job that means something. That's important. You know?

Oh! Random fact.. Uncle Eli texted me today. My uncle I lived with in Alaska. I hadn't spoken to him in YEARS... it was weird.. and random. And very slightly upsetting. Not anything he said It just made me think about things. bah. It was nice to know he's still alive though.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. Next time I post I'll be 25! lol weird. Here's a few of the pictures I took Thursday, the one at the top is one too...

Brandi