Trust Company - Downfall
I'm feeling especially bummed out today. I really didn't wanna get out of bed at all... I got up at like 10:30 but only stayed up til about 11, then went back to bed til something like 3:30. I don't know what's wrong. Today I just want it all to be over. I think I was angry when I went to bed, but I don't remember why.
My life feels so empty. I don't know how to fix it. Work, sleep, therapy, facebook... that seems like it's all I do and honestly that's usually enough. I don't like having a lot to do, that makes it easier to get frustrated and angry. Mostly because nothing ever works out like I hope it will. My life is disappointing, and I feel trapped in it. I feel trapped in my head. Pretending to give a damn about anything people around me say...that's what it feels like. Being around other people makes me feel like I have to pretend to care, when I really don't. Why should I? Don't get me wrong it isn't like that with everyone. Generally online I care. But I don't see those people everyday, and most of them I don't even talk to everyday. It's easier to care when I don't have to be right there in it.
Jon came home last night, all excited because he "almost died." Apparently driving home, he was taking a back road, and was driving a little slower than usual because there was a car in front of him. A meteor fell from the sky and just barely missed the car. He said if he'd been going any faster it would have gone through the passenger window and hit him. He said it hit the ground close enough to spray dirt and rocks onto the car. That sounds exciting right? I should be worried because he could have died. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't. So who cares. That's bad right? I should care more, should I?
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm more than one person. I'm who I have to be in public, I'm who I have to be around certain people, and then there's who I am when I'm alone. And who I am when I'm alone, is cold, and kind of heartless. But does that mean I'm necessarily faking it around other people? I don't know I think sometimes I do genuinely care, but I don't think it happens very often. People suck. They're evil. I think I may have just adapted to that over the years.
I made a new friend. He's nice. I care. Genuinely care. But I'm afraid. I'll fuck it up eventually, I always do, and it scares me to know that's how it's going to play out. That's how it usually plays out. But for now, he kinda makes me feel better. He's so optimistic and positive...and enthusiastic. It's nice.
I really hate always waiting for the bottom to fall out... but God it just... ALWAYS does! You know? and on the VERY rare occasions it doesn't, well that's a nice relief but even relief doesn't last long. Nothing lasts long except the bad stuff. I hate it. I really really do. I hate everything and I don't know how not to... I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to fix anything, I don't know how to feel better, I don't know how to be motivated....I don't know how to care. And I have nothing more to say.
Brandi Evans
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I will not confuse this with something true. Only that what gets us through. And I wonder down the line, when both of us are fine. Yeah, my mind wanders there sometimes.
Lie To Me - Greg Laswell
So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?
Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.
I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.
Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.
My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.
I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.
Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing, I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya
Brandi
So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?
Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.
I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.
Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.
My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.
I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.
Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing, I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya
Brandi
Thursday, September 29, 2011
So let's face it, this was never what you wanted. But I know, it's fun to pretend. Now Blank stares and empty threats, are all I have...
That's Day Old Hate - City and Colour. Amazing song, that I'd never have heard if it wasn't for a friend. Thank you, you know who you are. I love that song. 6 minutes and 44 seconds of pure awesomeness.
So occasionally things happen, that catch a person off guard. Good things. Things that are never ever expected because well life in general just sucks and people suck and I suck. It is however, really nice to know that some people do appreciate me. Although at times I don't know why. I'd like to say that I am awesome at my job, and sometimes I really believe that, but sometimes I worry that I fake it. That I fake everything. I fake caring about anything, I fake knowing how to do my job... and then people come in and either praise me on my work or in some cases give me a tip...like today.. and it just throws me for a loop, and thoroughly confuses me.
We're having the church restored. The contractor is with American Craftsman, and is incredibly nice, he has been from the beginning. Cute too, but that's beside the point. Anyway yesterday he was trying to get his check, but I didn't have it. The bank had brought it by but some other people had it for some reason. Anyway after getting him in touch with some people only to discover he probably couldn't get his check yesterday he left somewhat angrily. Later, the people who had the check brought it to me, and I called the contractor to let him know I had it, he thanked me, and when he came to get it this morning, he wanted to "buy my lunches for the next few days" and gave me $40 bucks. And it massively threw me off. I mean, from time to time people will come in and do that, another of the church members gave me $20 once to "show appreciation" and hell, I'm not one to argue, I need the money... but it makes me feel so weird. I appreciate it. Really I do. It just throws me off because its so nice. I'm more likely to hear the ways I've gone wrong than that I'm doing good, and I don't even really feel like I've done anything... good or otherwise. blah.
Sooo I've been going to therapy, one on one and group. It's alright I guess, I'm not sure I like group but I probably need to stick with it for a while. I really like Steve (therapist). He's pretty awesome. His voice is all calming and soft, and I like the way he thinks. I know that I probably won't always feel that way. I'm sure I'll get mad at him, or hate him even, in fact just last week, Jon contorted my thoughts and for a while I was fighting the urge to be mad at Steve... and he didn't even do anything. It was just stuff Jon said, that was getting to me. I ended up bawling like a baby and totally freaking out because I knew I was being irrational, and I was trying desperately to calm down and stop being crazy... Michael saved me. I heard him moving around in his kitchen so I went out and cried on him for a bit, and he hung out with me til shortly before Jon got home, and I calmed down pretty quickly. I just needed someone I guess. I hate being alone and getting lonely is kinda dangerous. My head is a dangerous place to be all by myself lol.
I worry sorta that once a week for one on one therapy isn't enough.. by the time It's time to go again, I've started freaking out a day or so before. and group isn't really helpful.. then again I've only been twice so maybe it'll get helpful.
Absolutely HATE my medication. But luckily the month is almost up, so I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday to discuss the meds. Hopefully he'll give me something else... then again, the only real side effect I have now is the tiredness and no sex drive. The nightmares stopped a few days ago... oh and they gave me a 2nd period. How nice. This is now 2 months in a row I've gotten 2 in one month. Maybe its not the pills... I might bring that up while I'm in there. I've also discovered that if I forget to take one, or take it later than usual, I get a migraine within 2 days... and that is NOT cool. As for my emotional state, I don't really feel much better. I don't think... I'm not really sure.
Pioneer Days is Saturday, and so is Jon and I's one year anniversary. He has to work until 3:30 but that's okay I suppose. Mom is in the parade, and I entered Puck for the pet photo contest. He's so damn cute :) So I'll be going with mom and Dwight I guess, and watching the parade by myself...Actually I suddenly really don't like that idea at all. I didn't even think about it... I'LL BE ALONE... in that HUGE crowd.... I have to find someone to go with me :/ I can't do that alone.. oh no...I'll ask Russell! lol
Anyway, I miss my sister a whole lot. She moved to Georgetown. I wish things weren't so hard for her. I wish I could see her more. I also wish I could get a new car. lol
Ugh.. I had something specific I wanted to talk about and now I don't remember what it was. Maybe I did already? I don't know. I guess I'll go though. I'm doing okay I suppose.
Isn't he just adorkable? lol The first pic, is the one I entered for the contest. I thought the 2nd one... but whatever I guess. I'm biased anyway, I always think he's perfect lol. Anyway.. ttyl.
Brandi Evans
So occasionally things happen, that catch a person off guard. Good things. Things that are never ever expected because well life in general just sucks and people suck and I suck. It is however, really nice to know that some people do appreciate me. Although at times I don't know why. I'd like to say that I am awesome at my job, and sometimes I really believe that, but sometimes I worry that I fake it. That I fake everything. I fake caring about anything, I fake knowing how to do my job... and then people come in and either praise me on my work or in some cases give me a tip...like today.. and it just throws me for a loop, and thoroughly confuses me.
We're having the church restored. The contractor is with American Craftsman, and is incredibly nice, he has been from the beginning. Cute too, but that's beside the point. Anyway yesterday he was trying to get his check, but I didn't have it. The bank had brought it by but some other people had it for some reason. Anyway after getting him in touch with some people only to discover he probably couldn't get his check yesterday he left somewhat angrily. Later, the people who had the check brought it to me, and I called the contractor to let him know I had it, he thanked me, and when he came to get it this morning, he wanted to "buy my lunches for the next few days" and gave me $40 bucks. And it massively threw me off. I mean, from time to time people will come in and do that, another of the church members gave me $20 once to "show appreciation" and hell, I'm not one to argue, I need the money... but it makes me feel so weird. I appreciate it. Really I do. It just throws me off because its so nice. I'm more likely to hear the ways I've gone wrong than that I'm doing good, and I don't even really feel like I've done anything... good or otherwise. blah.
Sooo I've been going to therapy, one on one and group. It's alright I guess, I'm not sure I like group but I probably need to stick with it for a while. I really like Steve (therapist). He's pretty awesome. His voice is all calming and soft, and I like the way he thinks. I know that I probably won't always feel that way. I'm sure I'll get mad at him, or hate him even, in fact just last week, Jon contorted my thoughts and for a while I was fighting the urge to be mad at Steve... and he didn't even do anything. It was just stuff Jon said, that was getting to me. I ended up bawling like a baby and totally freaking out because I knew I was being irrational, and I was trying desperately to calm down and stop being crazy... Michael saved me. I heard him moving around in his kitchen so I went out and cried on him for a bit, and he hung out with me til shortly before Jon got home, and I calmed down pretty quickly. I just needed someone I guess. I hate being alone and getting lonely is kinda dangerous. My head is a dangerous place to be all by myself lol.
I worry sorta that once a week for one on one therapy isn't enough.. by the time It's time to go again, I've started freaking out a day or so before. and group isn't really helpful.. then again I've only been twice so maybe it'll get helpful.
Absolutely HATE my medication. But luckily the month is almost up, so I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday to discuss the meds. Hopefully he'll give me something else... then again, the only real side effect I have now is the tiredness and no sex drive. The nightmares stopped a few days ago... oh and they gave me a 2nd period. How nice. This is now 2 months in a row I've gotten 2 in one month. Maybe its not the pills... I might bring that up while I'm in there. I've also discovered that if I forget to take one, or take it later than usual, I get a migraine within 2 days... and that is NOT cool. As for my emotional state, I don't really feel much better. I don't think... I'm not really sure.
Pioneer Days is Saturday, and so is Jon and I's one year anniversary. He has to work until 3:30 but that's okay I suppose. Mom is in the parade, and I entered Puck for the pet photo contest. He's so damn cute :) So I'll be going with mom and Dwight I guess, and watching the parade by myself...Actually I suddenly really don't like that idea at all. I didn't even think about it... I'LL BE ALONE... in that HUGE crowd.... I have to find someone to go with me :/ I can't do that alone.. oh no...I'll ask Russell! lol
Anyway, I miss my sister a whole lot. She moved to Georgetown. I wish things weren't so hard for her. I wish I could see her more. I also wish I could get a new car. lol
Ugh.. I had something specific I wanted to talk about and now I don't remember what it was. Maybe I did already? I don't know. I guess I'll go though. I'm doing okay I suppose.
Brandi Evans
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
No more apologies from me, my arms are tired of picking up what I put down.
So it's been a bit since I wrote last. A lot has happened but I wasn't really sure what to say about it, so I didn't write. I'm still not sure what to say really... I spent a few days in the hospital. It sucked? lol I threw up a lot... and I can't seem to get this blood taste out of my mouth...but its worse in the morning. I carry candy now for when it gets bad.... suckers are best.
On the plus side, I'm seeing a therapist now, and I'm on anti depressants. He agrees, my life sucks. I hope it'll help. Really. So far I don't feel any better. but I've only been to therapy once, and only been on the meds a few days... I feel sort of foggy. But still sad. And I noticed, I can't even look at things that I like without feeling horribly heartbroken and sad. wtf is that?! I was excited about fall (cuz its my favorite)... so I was looking at pictures and I suddenly had that tightness in my chest I get before I start freaking out... but idk why? I liked it.. but it made me feel horribly depressed. I suppose that isn't really anything new though. Here lately I feel just... suffocated. By everything. Life is exhausting. I just don't want to. Ya know? I don't see the point? I don't do anything, I can't like anything because it makes me sad for some effed up reason. Everything Jon says just irritates the hell out of me, and I'm sure it isn't really him, it's just me with a seriously low tolerance for ANYTHING....but still every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid as HELL and I just wanna smack him. I just feel so bad all the time. I don't even want to have sex. and that is CRAZY for me. But why? I don't know what the point of anything is, why bother? I just don't care about anything, don't wanna do anything, just wish I'd die.
Every morning I wake up, and think, damn it. Just because I woke up. When will it end? I know I shouldn't feel so bad but.. I do and I don't know why. And if one more person tells me "it'll get better" I'm seriously going to punch them in the face. No it won't. It NEVER does. Things do not get better, they only change. I've been saying that for years and it is still true. Stop telling me It'll get better. It may get better for you, but NOTHING gets better for me. Not ever!
God forbid I mention suicide. One lady told me "Honey, nothing is worth that." Bitch! You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through, you have no idea how I feel ALL the time, I guarantee you could not handle my life. Do they hear any of it though? No. Do they understand at ALL how you feel, or how you can justify that it would be worth it for you? Of course not. To them its just selfishness. Because things get better. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well no, not in my case. You hit a point where you've just had enough. When everything has been pounding on you your ENTIRE life, it is not a temporary problem. Sure the day to day troubles are temporary, possibly even the depression is temporary... but the fact that EVERYTHING is total shit every single damn day of your life for ever and ever is not temporary. It's horribly repetitive. And screw that. Seriously. It suffocates and drowns you. You drown in misery. But it doesn't actually kill you, you just keep breathing it in, choking on it, sputtering and gasping for anything but the misery. But it is relentless. It just keeps on and keeps on, laughing at the grip it has on you, filling you up, spilling out into your life until everything is saturated and you're laying there like a limp doll in its grasp unable to do a single thing about it. Wishing for death that never comes for you. You just watch from the sidelines, everyone else being able to be happy and have good things happen... but not you, no. You're encased with this black tar that is misery. Other people see but are unable to pull you free, and eventually everyone gives up. A few stay to watch, but mostly they all just leave. And the more you struggle, the tighter its hold becomes until you're not only drowning in it, but its crushing you as well. Unable to die.
I hate my life.
Brandi
Friday, August 26, 2011
I never trust a dog to watch my food, and I like to use the word "dude" as a noun or an adverb or an adjectrive. And I've never really been into cars, I like really cool guitars and superheroes and checks with lots of zeros on them. I love the sound of violins and making someone smile. If you wanna know here it goes gonna tell you this. The part of me that shows if you're close gonna let you see everything. But remember that you asked for it. I'll try to do my best to impress but it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest but you wanna hear what lives in my brain, my heart, well you asked for it. For your perusing, at times confusing, possibly amusing, introducing me.
Introducing Me - Nick Jonas.
I know I know.. that song is so catchy though haha.
So probably not going to get a Kia Soul. But DriveTime approved me for financing so I'm going to Temple on Tuesday to check it out. See how much they will approve me for and see if I can't get a new to me vehicle. We shall see. I don't really have much to say today, mostly because I don't really seem to give a damn about anything other than the whole car issue thing the last week or so. It's almost like other than the car thing, I'm not real. I don't feel anything else. So! I'm gonna go now! lol bye!
Brandi Evans
I know I know.. that song is so catchy though haha.
So probably not going to get a Kia Soul. But DriveTime approved me for financing so I'm going to Temple on Tuesday to check it out. See how much they will approve me for and see if I can't get a new to me vehicle. We shall see. I don't really have much to say today, mostly because I don't really seem to give a damn about anything other than the whole car issue thing the last week or so. It's almost like other than the car thing, I'm not real. I don't feel anything else. So! I'm gonna go now! lol bye!
Brandi Evans
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
When we built up walls around us, our hardened hearts can't bare. The healing hurt's so badly, that no one seems to care.
That is Undeniable by MXPX. Good times.
Soooo my car is going to die. The engine, and clutch are about to go. Needs an alignment, an oil change, new windshield, and the radiator thingy keeps over heating. My brother in law gave it about another month. Jon gave it two weeks. And that SUCKS.
If the car dies, Jon and I are both screwed. We share that car.. and if neither of us can go anywhere, we both lose our jobs and then we're going to be even worse off than we are. Oh just go get another car is what you're thinking? yeah right. I personally make about 900 dollars a month. Then I have $580 worth of bills, and then $150 rent payment. which leaves me ABOUT 100 bucks a month. Not near enough for another car payment. Also I don't have money for a down payment. I'm screwed.
There has to be a way I can get some help with this. I found a KIA Soul for like $14,000. I was thinking if I could come up with like $10,000 in CASH maybe I could get the car. It's pretty awesome and only has 50,000 miles on it. I don't know, but I'm gonna think of something. I will figure this out somehow. That or you'll be reading awful posts from me in the near future about how nothing ever goes right and blah blah blah. Ugh I'm so whiny all the time... Someone really should just slap me. haha. I wonder if that would even work? Oh well!
Well I have research to do! ttyl!
Brandi
Soooo my car is going to die. The engine, and clutch are about to go. Needs an alignment, an oil change, new windshield, and the radiator thingy keeps over heating. My brother in law gave it about another month. Jon gave it two weeks. And that SUCKS.
If the car dies, Jon and I are both screwed. We share that car.. and if neither of us can go anywhere, we both lose our jobs and then we're going to be even worse off than we are. Oh just go get another car is what you're thinking? yeah right. I personally make about 900 dollars a month. Then I have $580 worth of bills, and then $150 rent payment. which leaves me ABOUT 100 bucks a month. Not near enough for another car payment. Also I don't have money for a down payment. I'm screwed.
There has to be a way I can get some help with this. I found a KIA Soul for like $14,000. I was thinking if I could come up with like $10,000 in CASH maybe I could get the car. It's pretty awesome and only has 50,000 miles on it. I don't know, but I'm gonna think of something. I will figure this out somehow. That or you'll be reading awful posts from me in the near future about how nothing ever goes right and blah blah blah. Ugh I'm so whiny all the time... Someone really should just slap me. haha. I wonder if that would even work? Oh well!
Well I have research to do! ttyl!
Brandi
Friday, August 19, 2011
I'm over this. I'm tired of living in the dark. Can anyone see me down here? The feeling's gone, theres nothing left to lift me up back into the world I know. Now again I've found myself so far down, away from the sun that shines into the darkest place, I'm so far down..
That's 3 Doors Down - Away From the Sun.
Good song. Appropriate song.. but then again I think most of them are. I really like 3 Doors Down. They seem to just.. get it. As if I really know what "it" is? ugh...
I feel awful. But I'm thankful for Puck. I don't know what I'd do without him. I came up here in a relatively bad mood, and he's been in my face since I got up here... which admittedly was really annoying because he wouldn't get off the damn keyboard.. but now hes just like laying in front of it with his paws on my shoulder. It couldn't possibly be comfortable for him but I appreciate it none the less. I don't know what I'd do without him. He helps me more than I could ever explain. Cat's don't judge. Puck doesn't judge. The looks he gives me are more general concern than judgement. I love him. And I'd do just about anything for him.
Anyway, I'm not going to give you insight into my BPD this post because honestly who gives a damn anyway? No one reads this crap as it is. It helps me a bit but I just don't feel like it right now. And I can't seem to remember anything I've read today anyway.
I'm not sure why I'm upset. Everything is kind of hazy... I'm sad but numb. And I don't know why. My eyes feel almost glazed over, like I can barely focus on anything. I want to die. Or cut. Either one would help really... but if I start cutting then I'll have to explain it later and "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer because no one seems to understand that.. sometimes I just freakin hurt for no reason. There's nothing I can do about that. Sorry. Get over it. But I can't think of a way to off myself that will actually work. I don't have any pills strong enough (not that it matters, overdosing on seriously powerful crap never worked in the past why would it now?).. I'm too much of a chicken to try to drown myself.. or cut deep enough... I suppose I could try hanging but even that could prove difficult. All I have are white twinkle lights left over from the wedding and somehow that just seems... tactless. And who would take care of Puck? My mom? Jon? Well Jon would probably be fine but mom and puck? I wish I could just accept that I'm stuck here. I'm probably never going to die. And that is REALLY depressing.
As much as I hated being a teenager, I kind of miss it. I miss the lack of responsibility. Being able to spend every penny I got on whatever the hell I wanted without worrying about not being able to pay a bill if I did. I miss thinking I could leave this awful town. I miss the hope that there would be a light at the end of the high school tunnel. Now there's nothing. No dreams. No hope. No light's... nothing. There's just nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for... nothing left. The best I can hope for now is death. The sweet sweet surrender of permanent escape.
It couldn't possibly be healthy that the only thing left for me to look forward to in life, is the end of it. But I honestly can't think of anything else. The only things I ever really wanted out of my life was marriage and kids... (I realize that it's sad that that was the best I hoped for) the most sad part of it is that I won't even get the whole part of that sad ass dream. I got marriage. But I'll never have kids. And I shouldn't. Chances are they'd turn out just as screwed up as me even if I COULD have them, which I can't.
Talking to kids and being positive while doing it, is such hard work. I admire their dreams. I admire that they can hope and dream for things and that it could actually be a possibility for them, even the far fetched dreams, could happen. I understand encouragement is important for them, so I do when I'm talking to one, but it's so much work. When you know, that although it could happen for them, all their dreams could come true, it isn't likely. The world is cruel. Reality is even crueler. Life sucks. Being an adult sucks. Murphy's law - everything that can go wrong, will. And that sucks. It's all too late for me. Nothing will ever change for me. But I hope to God if there is one, that it will for them.
I wish BPD didn't exist. I wish I could be okay and still hope for things... but there's nothing left to hope for. I'm going to be broke, working a dead end job for the rest of my life in this miserable hot ass desert hell of a state. And the worst part? I'm going to drag my husband down with me, because for some reason he insists on sticking around. Even though I suck the life out of everything. Honestly It would just be better for everyone if I were dead. I contribute no good to anything. I have nothing left to hope for. And I'm too damn negative. If I could change that.. if I knew how.. I would. But I just have nothing left. I have no energy for it. Everything hurts so freakin bad... I don't even want to try anymore. I'm dead inside already. I hate me.
Brandi Evans
Good song. Appropriate song.. but then again I think most of them are. I really like 3 Doors Down. They seem to just.. get it. As if I really know what "it" is? ugh...
I feel awful. But I'm thankful for Puck. I don't know what I'd do without him. I came up here in a relatively bad mood, and he's been in my face since I got up here... which admittedly was really annoying because he wouldn't get off the damn keyboard.. but now hes just like laying in front of it with his paws on my shoulder. It couldn't possibly be comfortable for him but I appreciate it none the less. I don't know what I'd do without him. He helps me more than I could ever explain. Cat's don't judge. Puck doesn't judge. The looks he gives me are more general concern than judgement. I love him. And I'd do just about anything for him.
Anyway, I'm not going to give you insight into my BPD this post because honestly who gives a damn anyway? No one reads this crap as it is. It helps me a bit but I just don't feel like it right now. And I can't seem to remember anything I've read today anyway.
I'm not sure why I'm upset. Everything is kind of hazy... I'm sad but numb. And I don't know why. My eyes feel almost glazed over, like I can barely focus on anything. I want to die. Or cut. Either one would help really... but if I start cutting then I'll have to explain it later and "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer because no one seems to understand that.. sometimes I just freakin hurt for no reason. There's nothing I can do about that. Sorry. Get over it. But I can't think of a way to off myself that will actually work. I don't have any pills strong enough (not that it matters, overdosing on seriously powerful crap never worked in the past why would it now?).. I'm too much of a chicken to try to drown myself.. or cut deep enough... I suppose I could try hanging but even that could prove difficult. All I have are white twinkle lights left over from the wedding and somehow that just seems... tactless. And who would take care of Puck? My mom? Jon? Well Jon would probably be fine but mom and puck? I wish I could just accept that I'm stuck here. I'm probably never going to die. And that is REALLY depressing.
As much as I hated being a teenager, I kind of miss it. I miss the lack of responsibility. Being able to spend every penny I got on whatever the hell I wanted without worrying about not being able to pay a bill if I did. I miss thinking I could leave this awful town. I miss the hope that there would be a light at the end of the high school tunnel. Now there's nothing. No dreams. No hope. No light's... nothing. There's just nothing. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for... nothing left. The best I can hope for now is death. The sweet sweet surrender of permanent escape.
It couldn't possibly be healthy that the only thing left for me to look forward to in life, is the end of it. But I honestly can't think of anything else. The only things I ever really wanted out of my life was marriage and kids... (I realize that it's sad that that was the best I hoped for) the most sad part of it is that I won't even get the whole part of that sad ass dream. I got marriage. But I'll never have kids. And I shouldn't. Chances are they'd turn out just as screwed up as me even if I COULD have them, which I can't.
Talking to kids and being positive while doing it, is such hard work. I admire their dreams. I admire that they can hope and dream for things and that it could actually be a possibility for them, even the far fetched dreams, could happen. I understand encouragement is important for them, so I do when I'm talking to one, but it's so much work. When you know, that although it could happen for them, all their dreams could come true, it isn't likely. The world is cruel. Reality is even crueler. Life sucks. Being an adult sucks. Murphy's law - everything that can go wrong, will. And that sucks. It's all too late for me. Nothing will ever change for me. But I hope to God if there is one, that it will for them.
I wish BPD didn't exist. I wish I could be okay and still hope for things... but there's nothing left to hope for. I'm going to be broke, working a dead end job for the rest of my life in this miserable hot ass desert hell of a state. And the worst part? I'm going to drag my husband down with me, because for some reason he insists on sticking around. Even though I suck the life out of everything. Honestly It would just be better for everyone if I were dead. I contribute no good to anything. I have nothing left to hope for. And I'm too damn negative. If I could change that.. if I knew how.. I would. But I just have nothing left. I have no energy for it. Everything hurts so freakin bad... I don't even want to try anymore. I'm dead inside already. I hate me.
Brandi Evans
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