Mary, Mary quite contrary we're so bored until we're buried, and just like dust we settle in this town. On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go, where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round.

Kacey Musgraves - Merry Go 'Round

I'm having a hard time today. I stayed downstairs with Amber and them until they left because I never get to see them... but it took a lot to do it. I really just wanted to be alone all day. Even when mom got home. I watched TV with her for a bit, but I wanted to be upstairs alone... should have just sat upstairs alone... because now that I am alone, I feel worse. I don't wanna talk to anyone.. so every conversation I've had today has been incredibly short. I love my friends and family very much... but sometimes I wish it was just me... totally alone. Then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about my thoughts.. or about how I feel. I'm lonely. and I realize it would be more lonely if it was like that... but maybe I wouldn't know what I was missing. I don't know. That didn't make sense.

It's so hot up here. Dwight said he was going to fix the toilet this weekend.. and I was hoping he'd put up my A/C.. but he didn't do either. Jason and Julie put up the screen door for me so I could leave the glass one open... but it fell off this morning. Window in my room doesn't open... the one in the bathroom is open but it's on the other side of the apartment and isn't doing me any good. I shit you not it's like 85 in here. I don't like it. Plus I've killed like 6 spiders in here today, and I haven't even been up here much. I wonder how many I haven't spotted yet. I need to fog up here... but I don't have anywhere for Puck to be while I do that. Also I don't want to have to wash ALL my dishes again.. I already did that once and it took forever.

I'm so fucking depressed today. I don't even know why. I just woke up feeling.. terrible. I want to cry, but I can't for some reason. I know I'd feel better, but the tears won't come. I'll probably just go to bed soon. I don't have anything else to do anyway and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow either. I can't think of anything that'd make me feel better even.. like.. there's nothing I want. I just don't.. care? Everything just seems incredibly pointless. Totally withdrawing from everything seems like a good idea. Maybe I'll just stop talking to everyone for a while.

Brandi

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.

Demons - Imagine Dragons

It's been a little while. I'm 26 now. Not a lot to report, I just need to say things and can't. I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I did it just to be a dick... but I didn't. I couldn't afford it and there was very little holding me together. I was really slipping. I didn't have many options. I chose the one that would make me lose the least. Amber wanted me to move to Georgetown with her.. but that meant losing my job, and Heather and Jason. I'm not willing to give up either of them. This is the first time in literally YEARS I've had a social life... and I'm not giving it up if I can avoid it. They are what kept me going. They're still what's keeping me going.

Here's the thing. Since then, I've gotten a grip on myself. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm still screaming because I'm stuck. But I've gotten enough of a grip I'm pretty sure no one can see it. How much I'm really hurting.

There are other factors too but I just can't go there right now. Things no one will ever know. No one. Ever.

On the plus side, for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly how I'm feeling. I can pin point every emotion. I know what it is, and I know where it's coming from. Maybe that's how I got a grip. I don't know. But there's a lot going on in my head.

I'm angry, sad, and scared. But they're muted by something stronger... most of the time.

I don't need to be with you. You already provide me with most of what I need. You give me emotional support. You're my friend. You spend time with me. You don't ignore me. You hug me more than anyone else ever has. You play with me. Talk to me. And just that, is more than any other man has ever done for me. And I love you. Because you're good. Not just to me, but in general. I know you've been hurt. You're scared. And you probably don't even like me like that.. and it's okay. I don't see how anyone could have ever hurt you though, because you're everything that is good. You give me hope. Not so much with you, but just in general. You make things worth it. It hurts a little.. but not as much as you'd think. Sometimes more than other times but what can ya do, right? I didn't think you'd stick around me this long. Most people don't. But every time I think it's goodbye for good.. you prove me wrong... and I've stopped waiting for it. It's a bigger deal than you'd think. I feel safe when I'm with you. And I know you're never too far away when I need you, and sometimes I really do. And you're there. There are very few things I wish were different. And they're trivial things mostly. The fact of the matter is, even without BEING with you... you make my life better. And I know I probably don't do that for you... but you should know, it means more to me than you'll ever know. I didn't expect this. I didn't think I'd ever feel even close to this way for anyone. But at this point, the only thing I can hope for... is that you'll always be my friend because you mean the world to me. I feel better when you're around. You make me feel alive... and I've been dead for years. The funny part.. you make eye contact SO much.. and it scares me a little.. but mostly because it feels like you can... see into my soul, and I'm terrified of what you'll find there. And I know that you know I love you... but I'm afraid you'll see how much if I hold your eyes for too long. I'm afraid you'll see just how much power you have over me because you could destroy me in a second. I didn't mean to give you that much power... but I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting you. I wasn't expecting to ever feel even a fraction of love ever again. I didn't know that I needed you, but I did.. and I do. And I'm so very glad to have met you... to be able to call you a friend. If that means I need to back off, or totally give up on any thought of you and I ever.. I will do my very best to try. Even though you do occasionally get on my nerves *winks*.. it's not bad though. I was surprised by it the first time.. but even that makes me smile. You're so much fun. I'm happy to feel alive. I'm happy to know you. You have no idea. And you probably never will. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm pretty sure you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You've saved me from myself, and there's no way I can ever repay you for that. You may not want my love.. but you'll always have it. In the best possible way I can give it without actually expressing any of it ever again. You told me you didn't trust yourself to be what I needed.. that I needed and deserved something good.. but what you don't know, is that you already are exactly what I need. You are good. For some reason, you don't seem to think that you are. But everyone that's ever hurt you, or made you feel like you weren't good, that you weren't enough, was catastrophically wrong. I don't deserve anyone as good as you. I deserve everything I've gotten from everyone else. Because I'M not good... but nothing would make me happier, than just knowing that you'd be happy. With whatever, who ever. Because you deserve something good. You deserve the very best.

Brandi

You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

I'm losing it. It's going to be really bad. I feel it coming. I don't know how to make it stop, I don't know when it's going to happen, but I feel it coming. Demons in the attic growling at me, things moving when they aren't.. and just this morning I watched a white tissue turn orange. I had it in my hand.. and it looked odd.. so I was just looking at it.. and it turned orange. All by itself. I don't know if I did it.. or what... but yeah. That's.... that's not good. I can't breathe... I can't concentrate, or pay attention to important things. People are talking but it doesn't make any sense. And every time I try to explain something to someone or need to get something done, and they don't understand I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry anyway. My brain won't shut up.. everything is too fast and I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything is foggy but there's too much of it. There's too much going on and I just.. I can't. I'm like one more thing from snapping completely. I can't sleep, or I sleep too much. I'm so tired but I wake up sweating like 230482934823 times a night and watch the shadows move around my room. What the hell is going on!? I've been shaking for days.. I feel... high? but not good high like... that cartoon.. with the coffee patches... like that only instead of happy high like she is it's... I can't handle anything everything is desperate. Like a rabid animal with juuuuust enough of their brain left to keep from totally snapping. but it's coming. There's just too much and all I wanna do is curl into a ball and everything just... go away. I just want it all to go away. I have to go to my 2nd job tonight.. and I don't even know how I'm handling the first one. I need it to stop... please someone make it stop. I'm scared and it hurts and I can't handle it. :(

Brandi

Don't you see? Don't you see? That the charade is over. And all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday.

Dashboard Confessional - Best Deceptions

I... I'm broken. I should have taken my own advice. I knew how this was going to go. I knew what was going to happen. But is that why? Because I was negative and "predicted" what would happen and made it that way just because I'm so negative? No, I don't think so. This was always how it was going to be. You'd think I would have been more prepared for it. Because that's just how it works. Every time. This is only the 2nd time it's been so intense though. Maybe that's what makes it worse.

I wish I could be more like a guy. Every guy I've met recently.. they're so guarded. So unwilling to let anything hurt them. Their hearts are clad in steel cages, nothing will get through. Why can't I do that? Why am I always so willing to let things happen? Why do I keep letting things hurt me? I have about a 30 second guard.. and once I decide I like something, all bets are off... my heart is like a raw exposed nerve and I'm just setting myself up. I keep coming back for more. As if once wasn't enough. How could I let this happen again? And at this point I'm not even sure what hurts more... that it happened again, or that I let it go far enough to hurt this much. I'm so insanely naive. I should have taken the words to heart and disregarded everything else. It hurt but not this much. Because this time I need to accept it's the end and move on with my life. I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of having to do this crap. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna work two jobs to just barely survive. I don't wanna be in love. I don't wanna exist. What am I even doing??? I don't even know why I bother with about 99% of the shit I do. I'm never going to be happy... I mean seriously. When have I ever been before? What is the point of going through all of this? I'm not learning anything, clearly. What good could possibly come from this? What good has come from ANYTHING I've had to deal with this far? I need to just accept that I'm stupid, and stop making my own decisions. I mean.. I try not to make my own decisions anyway, but it's mostly the little stuff I let other people decide for me, and ultimately I still go off whatever I think... I just like opinions. But I think from now on.. I should give other people total control of my life, because apparently I'm not doing it right. Or maybe I'll kill myself. I'm running out of reasons not to, and at this point I don't even care if it hurts. I'm so tired.

I've been sick for like a week too. Coughing so much my back is killing me. Maybe it'll turn into pneumonia and I won't have to do anything. Maybe I can get sick and die. :(

Loving you, isn't the right thing to do. How can I ever change things that I feel? If I could maybe I'd give you my world. How can I? When you won't take it from me.

You Can Go Your Own Way (Originally Fleetwood Mac) Covered by Lissie.

You ever have something... and you know you need to let it go. You know you should give up and get on with your life... but you can't? Because what if you do... and then things change, and you can't go back because you're so fucked in the head that once you give up on something, it's totally gone. Or maybe whatever it is, isn't letting you fully give up, but you don't have it in you to verbalize that. Because you don't want it to go. Because it's what's making life worth living at the moment. And you know that it's wrong, and it's hurting you... but it also makes you feel alive. Sometimes that's what the pain does. Sometimes it's debilitating and awful... and other times it makes you feel alive and is what keeps you going. What if letting go means hating the thing you care about so much right now. Because it's the only way TO let go... because you haven't found another way to do it yet. What if you can't hate it. What if you're in love with it. What if it keeps doing and saying things that give you hope, and part of you believes things will change... but the logical part of you is saying you need to just let go, because you're reading too far into things again and setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain that can be handled. Your brain keeps screaming to stop because you can't do this... but your heart skips when you see him and then beats faster. The heart takes over... and when he's around... the rest of the world is gone. Nothing matters. All the things that bother you and stress you out, melt away when he looks into your eyes. Everything just... stops. Just like you need to.

So I got a 2nd job. I start tomorrow night. It's 11pm -7am 2 to 3 nights a week. Good times. That's going to seriously mess with my sleeping schedule. That means, 11pm to 7am I'm at work, then I go home, and get ready for 9am to 2pm work, then sleep from about 2pm to 9pm, and get ready for work. I think my working out time just lost a lot of time. And that sucks. Have I mentioned how much I REALLY don't want to do this? Well, I don't. I like my one job. I don't want another one. But I don't have a choice, much like most things.

I suddenly want a beer. That's so weird... I don't even like beer. Meh, whatever. I don't have anything else to say lol. See ya.

Brandi

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet in the halls. It comes awake and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end! I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Skillet - Monster

I hate the way my mind works...

I wish I could just forget the things I want to forget. Sometimes I think about that movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. if you could erase someone completely from your memory... would you want to? Yes.  I think I would. On the other hand I'm some-what convinced I'm addicted to misery. So maybe I wouldn't because on some sick masochistic level I like feeling like this. I like beating myself up mentally and telling myself I'm nothing so why would someone like him ever want anything to do with me? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? Maybe I like knowing he feels nothing for me, because I like how it feels to feel like nothing. That's really stupid though, isn't it. I don't care. I hate the way my mind works. It's so twisted and backwards and... negative. So very negative. I don't even really understand my fascination with him. None of it even matters. I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again, and maybe it's for the best.  Because this isn't healthy. And it isn't right.. and it's killing me inside. I know I'll be okay in a few days with no contact.. but right now.. I just feel... destroyed. I wish he felt anything for me. :( I wish I didn't feel so... gone.

On a higher note.. I've been exorcising like a crazy person. And watching what I eat of course. I do stretching/elliptical first thing in the morning.. then during the week, I shower and go to work, come home, go to the track with Heather for 3 miles of walking/running/bleachers come home, relax for a bit then back on the elliptical. The weekend is the same except the work part, and I may sub out the afternoon elliptical for something else depending on how I feel. Hopefully getting a bicycle soon. That'll be fun.. then we'll be riding bikes out at Thousand Trails instead of walking/running/bleachers at the track.. which gets boring.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel like total hell emotionally. I need to go.

Memories are debilitating.. even the good ones can crush through you like a high speed train only to leave you this mangled mess of crippling emotion...sometimes even the good ones are worse than the bad..

Not lyrics this time.. that's all me..

I was laying in bed a little while ago thinking about the past.. but not the bad past... the good past. I don't understand why memories are so painful. Even the good ones.. I feel worse than if I'd been thinking about the bad ones. Simple memories even.. sitting in my room playing Frogger on my computer listening to Taking Back Sunday.. the way my room looked, the house we lived in.. going to Waco with Becky and Chris... Sitting in the hall before school with my friends... Passing notes in study hall... talking on the phone (which is something I LOATH doing now..) I hated high school. Hated it. and I don't miss it at all. But those things... I miss those things. I miss my friends. I miss the simplicity of being a teenager, even though even then it was filled with possibly more psychoticness than my adult life is. I don't remember really.. I remember a lot of doctors.. a lot of medication.. and a lot of pain. But the good memories, the things mentioned above.. those are the things that made it all worth it so WHY does it hurt so much right now thinking about it? I feel like I'm being crushed.. like I can't breathe. My life is so empty now. Dead end job, no money, I rarely see any of my friends, several of which live really far away, some that aren't even friends anymore.. I just sit here in my room on my computer doing nothing, or playing a game, or sleeping... alone. What is the point of my life? I'm not going anywhere, things are really only getting worse.. I'm 25 and divorced, I can't have kids and even if I could, I can't afford myself much less anyone else.. I'm not going anywhere. What is the point? My existence isn't doing anyone any good especially not me. I hurt.. a LOT. And there isn't really any reason in it.. or for it.. And the worse part about all of it? I don't even WANT to do anything. I don't want to have to go get a second job.. I don't want to go to school.. I want this all to be over because I'm tired of having to fight for everything. It's all always been a huge fucking fight and I don't have anything left anymore to fight for. I don't have anything left to fight WITH. Please.. please don't make me do this anymore. I just can't.