Jinx me something crazy, thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me i'm out and on the parkway. Patient and waiting for headlights dressed in a fasion thats feeding to the inconsistancies of my moods. It's times like these when silence means everything, and no one is to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man on Third

They're first album was so good... kinda went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, I like some of their newer stuff... but the first was definitely the best by far.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so empty...hopeless....pointless. I know I just need to go to bed, but I'm so tired of sleeping. I'm so tired of everything. I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't fix this. I'm not in control of anything it seems. Self sabotage.. I'm pretty good at that. Hell, I'm an expert. But I feel like I'm being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, and I can't make it stop. Life keeps happening, and I can't even slow it down, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna be 25 in 18 days, and I can't stop it. Why would I want to right? It's only 25.... because I'm nowhere. Nothing. I thought I'd have things figured out by the time I turned 25... that things would finally be okay because how long could things possibly stay so bad.. but I was wrong. There's no way I can fix everything that's still broken in 18 days. And I'm losing my health insurance in 18 days too...which means no more therapy for Brandi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

The only thing I've accomplished, in the last 25 years.... I got married, and separated. That's it. I'm having a hell of a time finding another job. I still live with my parents. And I'm a part time secretary, that cries herself to sleep most nights, and is excellent at self sabotage. What am I supposed to do with that??? What am I supposed to do period?! I'm about to be shoved off the cliff and I can't find a single life line. Why do I do this to myself? How did I even get here?? I tried so hard, I kept moving, searching, for anything. And when that didn't work, I stayed put, and tried to get some experience and stability. And what did that accomplish??? NOTHING. I have bills I can barely afford, and I still live with my parents. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. It's Friday night and you know what I've done since I got home from work? Not a damn thing. I watched TV with my parents. Tried to learn a little Spanish. And now I'm whining on the Internet about how sad and pathetic my life is. And now I hate myself even more.

The really messed up part?? I don't even know how to give up. I don't know how to just let things happen and not try to manipulate the outcome. I bet it'd make things easier though. Just go with it. Those words sound so foreign.

This has to stop... how can I still feel so trapped? Things feel so incredibly out of control... I really need to go to sleep. Reset..... Good night.

Brandi

I'll lead a war with no conclusion and in the final hour I'll be a confident coward. Cuz if we stand for nothing, we'll fall for anything. You're not a hero, you're a liar. You're not a savior, you're a vampire sucking the life out of all the friends you've ever known.

Heroes - All Time Low

Sooo I got a new car about two weeks ago. Its a 1998 Toyota RAV4, and I kicked Jon out a few days later. I was so insanely proud of myself. I took a friends advice, sucked it up, took control, and did what needed to be done. And I felt GREAT...until today. Even last weekend was awesome. At least more awesome than anything I usually do on the weekends (which is nothing).

Last Friday, Amber, Stephen, Austin, and Hayden were over, and a friend I hadn't seen in a LONG time came over too. It was a actually a lot of fun. Then Saturday, I decided to go to Georgetown with Amber. It was nice, wanting to go do something, and actually doing it. Usually I find an excuse not to go, or I just can't because Jon has the car. But since he's been gone, I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. And I really love the freedom.

I decided I was gonna do more stuff like that. I was gonna start going out again. Seeing people. Having a life... being 24. And then today I realized.....I don't have any friends. lol. I totally isolated myself. I've pissed off a TON of people lately, without even slightly caring, and honestly those that are gone, it's probably for the best... but wtf am I supposed to do now? I still need a new job because I don't have the money for the life I want.... and I'm working on that. I've been applying places like a crazy person, and following up... but no one calls back... annnd there's that little thing about not really having many friends here, and the ones I do have, are just as isolated and boring as me. lol no offence guys.

I wanna go out and DRINK... and yes, I don't drink.. but I want to! I want to be more confident and do things just because I want to. I want to not care what anyone else thinks and I think I'm doing better at it at least....

I'm tired of making excuses for things. I'm tired of being bummed out over nothing. I'm tired of avoiding my life. I want what I want, and although I'm not really sure what that is right now,  I'm fucking determined as hell to figure it out.

There was one thing I realized I wanted....but I think it was more for the game than the prize. I like a good challenge... and that would be all well and good except I realized today that there really was no prize and ergo no game. It's a lost cause. And that's depressing. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't just for the game. Because I think if I just got a taste of the prize, that wouldn't be enough. But It's a losing battle... there's no way I can win, not with the circumstances that are present. Not with all the confidence and positive thinking in the world. It just isn't possible.. and even if it is I'm not sure I could do it....I don't mean that like.. I can't necessarily... but I shouldn't. What if you knew, something you were doing or trying to do, should it work, could potentially ruin someone else's life. Someone you'd never even met... but still. Could you do it? I don't know that I could. Don't get me wrong... I've played a hand in ruining a few lives but I don't think I really meant to. This time.. I know what I'm doing, I know what it could mean, and even if I could..idk that I should. I have no idea if any of that made any sense but... there it is.

I'm done with group I think. I don't wanna go anymore. Monday all I could think about was how much it really wasn't helping anymore. I think I'm okay enough to go on on my own without group at least. Think I'll still with one on one for a bit longer, but I'm done with group. I need to get back to work anyway. They're starting to get a tad bitchy.

Found out today that my sister in law has cancer. What is it with this family and cancer??? On BOTH sides, and granted she isn't blood to me, but DAMN. On my moms side, grandpa, and one of my aunts had it. On my dads side, my uncle, and my dad. And now my sister in law. You've got to be kidding me? I think the world is trying to send me some sort of fucked up cosmic message that I need to watch myself. I really need to quit smoking. Lung cancer on both sides of the family... lol I'm kinda asking for it. Oh well. I don't care.

Sooo anyway.. I'm working on confidence, getting a new job, hopefully moving out, and having a real life. I'll be 25 in a month and shit needs to get together. I was kinda bummed when I started this post, but I'm feeling kinda pumped again. I can do this. Wish me luck.

Brandi

Wait, I'm wrong. Should've done better than this. Please, I'll be strong. I'm finding it hard to resist, so show me what I'm looking for. Save me, I'm lost. Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, just save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for.

Carolina Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For.

So I've taken on a GIANT project. Partially because I need something to do, and mostly because I need more space. I don't know if I can even do it, last night when I started it seemed impossible. I'd started working only to realize that it's just way too much. But after conferring with the mother this morning, I think it may be doable, it's just going to take a lot of hard work. Which I'm up for I think.

The plan is, to clean out the storage room. Not only is it so packed you can barely walk in the door, but it's also a fire hazard. Things are just thrown in there (that's mostly my fault), and if it gets hot like it did last summer this summer... it's just a fire waiting to happen. But I intend to clean it out like... completely. There will still be things in there obviously, but I'm hoping to get it to the point where you can actually walk around in there and find things.

Part 2 of the plan, from here on out referred to as: Operation EBS (Extend Brandi's Space) is to convince Dwight to let me do this and then move all the things in Michael's living room, into the storage room. The white table will still be functional because I'll have cleaned out the storage room. There won't be any more cat hair all over it all, and Puck won't be eating and destroying all that stuff. So that part is a win win.

Part 3 of Operation EBS, after convincing Dwight that it's no skin off his nose to let me go through with all of Operation EBS, is to finish the wall where there is currently a doorway. Then, Open the wall that connects that room, to my room, making it an extension of my room and therefore giving me more space. or the other way around.. open the wall and then close the other.  I currently have 3 rooms full of crap, shoved into one. And it sucks. Then I will finish the ceiling (because it isn't done), base boards and trim and all that noise, paint, pull up the carpet, stain and varnish the wood on the floor, wait for it to dry and then move in my bed and probably dresser.

Part 4 of Operation EBS, will be to finish the room I already have. Put up base boards and cover the rest of the outlets, trim on the doorways, paint, pull up the flooring and stain and varnish the wood. In sections, obviously.

It's going to be a LOT of work, but it'll be worth it. My room is so cramped and I'm up there all weekend by myself it mine as well be worth looking at, ya know? I don't know how I'm gonna get all that done, but It has to be before it starts getting hot again. I wish I had some help :( but oh well I guess. I can do it. I know I'm probably gonna get mad a lot though haha. And I'm sure Puck is REALLY going to be in the way.

OH! I may also add a new window... its sooo dark in there. I have one window and it's mostly covered by the window A/C So I get pretty much no natural light or air. I need light.. and air. Man, I wanna work on that stuff NOW... but I'm at work :( lol. I'm suddenly motivated again. But it's gonna be great and hopefully Dwight will agree to it. I don't see why he wouldn't though because it's nothing that's going to be bothersome to him. I'm doing everything AND he gets his storage room cleaned.

Anyway I'm gonna go, I need to actually work, I just wanted to talk about the current plan. I think it'll be good if I actually get any of it done lol.

Cya,
Brandi Evans

No one can see anything on the other side of me, I walk, I crawl, losing everything and waiting for the downfall.

Trust Company - Downfall

I'm feeling especially bummed out today. I really didn't wanna get out of bed at all... I got up at like 10:30 but only stayed up til about 11, then went back to bed til something like 3:30. I don't know what's wrong. Today I just want it all to be over. I think I was angry when I went to bed, but I don't remember why.

My life feels so empty. I don't know how to fix it. Work, sleep, therapy, facebook... that seems like it's all I do and honestly that's usually enough. I don't like having a lot to do, that makes it easier to get frustrated and angry. Mostly because nothing ever works out like I hope it will. My life is disappointing, and I feel trapped in it. I feel trapped in my head. Pretending to give a damn about anything people around me say...that's what it feels like. Being around other people makes me feel like I have to pretend to care, when I really don't. Why should I? Don't get me wrong it isn't like that with everyone. Generally online I care. But I don't see those people everyday, and most of them I don't even talk to everyday. It's easier to care when I don't have to be right there in it.

Jon came home last night, all excited because he "almost died." Apparently driving home, he was taking a back road, and was driving a little slower than usual because there was a car in front of him. A meteor fell from the sky and just barely missed the car. He said if he'd been going any faster it would have gone through the passenger window and hit him. He said it hit the ground close enough to spray dirt and rocks onto the car. That sounds exciting right? I should be worried because he could have died. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't. So who cares. That's bad right? I should care more, should I?

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm more than one person. I'm who I have to be in public, I'm who I have to be around certain people, and then there's who I am when I'm alone. And who I am when I'm alone, is cold, and kind of heartless. But does that mean I'm necessarily faking it around other people? I don't know I think sometimes I do genuinely care, but I don't think it happens very often. People suck. They're evil. I think I may have just adapted to that over the years.

I made a new friend. He's nice. I care. Genuinely care. But I'm afraid. I'll fuck it up eventually, I always do, and it scares me to know that's how it's going to play out. That's how it usually plays out. But for now, he kinda makes me feel better. He's so optimistic and positive...and enthusiastic. It's nice.

I really hate always waiting for the bottom to fall out... but God it just... ALWAYS does! You know? and on the VERY rare occasions it doesn't, well that's a nice relief but even relief doesn't last long. Nothing lasts long except the bad stuff. I hate it. I really really do. I hate everything and I don't know how not to... I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to fix anything, I don't know how to feel better, I don't know how to be motivated....I don't know how to care. And I have nothing more to say.

Brandi Evans

I will not confuse this with something true. Only that what gets us through. And I wonder down the line, when both of us are fine. Yeah, my mind wanders there sometimes.

 Lie To Me - Greg Laswell

So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?

Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.

I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.

Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.

My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.

I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.

Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing,  I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya

Brandi

So let's face it, this was never what you wanted. But I know, it's fun to pretend. Now Blank stares and empty threats, are all I have...

That's Day Old Hate - City and Colour. Amazing song, that I'd never have heard if it wasn't for a friend. Thank you, you know who you are. I love that song. 6 minutes and 44 seconds of pure awesomeness.

So occasionally things happen, that catch a person off guard. Good things. Things that are never ever expected because well life in general just sucks and people suck and I suck. It is however, really nice to know that some people do appreciate me. Although at times I don't know why. I'd like to say that I am awesome at my job, and sometimes I really believe that, but sometimes I worry that I fake it. That I fake everything. I fake caring about anything, I fake knowing how to do my job... and then people come in and either praise me on my work or in some cases give me a tip...like today.. and it just throws me for a loop, and thoroughly confuses me.

We're having the church restored. The contractor is with American Craftsman, and is incredibly nice, he has been from the beginning. Cute too, but that's beside the point. Anyway yesterday he was trying to get his check, but I didn't have it. The bank had brought it by but some other people had it for some reason. Anyway after getting him in touch with some people only to discover he probably couldn't get his check yesterday he left somewhat angrily. Later, the people who had the check brought it to me, and I called the contractor to let him know I had it, he thanked me, and when he came to get it this morning, he wanted to "buy my lunches for the next few days" and gave me $40 bucks. And it massively threw me off. I mean, from time to time people will come in and do that, another of the church members gave me $20 once to "show appreciation" and hell, I'm not one to argue, I need the money... but it makes me feel so weird. I appreciate it. Really I do. It just throws me off because its so nice. I'm more likely to hear the ways I've gone wrong than that I'm doing good, and I don't even really feel like I've done anything... good or otherwise. blah.

Sooo I've been going to therapy, one on one and group. It's alright I guess, I'm not sure I like group but I probably need to stick with it for a while. I really like Steve (therapist). He's pretty awesome. His voice is all calming and soft, and I like the way he thinks. I know that I probably won't always feel that way. I'm sure I'll get mad at him, or hate him even, in fact just last week, Jon contorted my thoughts and for a while I was fighting the urge to be mad at Steve... and he didn't even do anything. It was just stuff Jon said, that was getting to me. I ended up bawling like a baby and totally freaking out because I knew I was being irrational, and I was trying desperately to calm down and stop being crazy... Michael saved me. I heard him moving around in his kitchen so I went out and cried on him for a bit, and he hung out with me til shortly before Jon got home, and I calmed down pretty quickly. I just needed someone I guess. I hate being alone and getting lonely is kinda dangerous. My head is a dangerous place to be all by myself lol.
I worry sorta that once a week for one on one therapy isn't enough.. by the time It's time to go again, I've started freaking out a day or so before. and group isn't really helpful.. then again I've only been twice so maybe it'll get helpful.
Absolutely HATE my medication. But luckily the month is almost up, so I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday to discuss the meds. Hopefully he'll give me something else... then again, the only real side effect I have now is the tiredness and no sex drive. The nightmares stopped a few days ago... oh and they gave me a 2nd period. How nice. This is now 2 months in a row I've gotten 2 in one month. Maybe its not the pills... I might bring that up while I'm in there. I've also discovered that if I forget to take one, or take it later than usual, I get a migraine within 2 days... and that is NOT cool. As for my emotional state, I don't really feel much better. I don't think... I'm not really sure.

Pioneer Days is Saturday, and so is Jon and I's one year anniversary. He has to work until 3:30 but that's okay I suppose. Mom is in the parade, and I entered Puck for the pet photo contest. He's so damn cute :) So I'll be going with mom and Dwight I guess, and watching the parade by myself...Actually I suddenly really don't like that idea at all. I didn't even think about it... I'LL BE ALONE... in that HUGE crowd.... I have to find someone to go with me :/ I can't do that alone.. oh no...I'll ask Russell! lol

Anyway, I miss my sister a whole lot. She moved to Georgetown. I wish things weren't so hard for her. I wish I could see her more. I also wish I could get a new car. lol
Ugh.. I had something specific I wanted to talk about and now I don't remember what it was. Maybe I did already? I don't know. I guess I'll go though. I'm doing okay I suppose.

Isn't he just adorkable? lol The first pic, is the one I entered for the contest. I thought the 2nd one... but whatever I guess. I'm biased anyway, I always think he's perfect lol. Anyway.. ttyl.

Brandi Evans

No more apologies from me, my arms are tired of picking up what I put down.

Hang You Up - Yellowcard. Good song. I like Yellowcard.

So it's been a bit since I wrote last. A lot has happened but I wasn't really sure what to say about it, so I didn't write. I'm still not sure what to say really... I spent a few days in the hospital. It sucked? lol I threw up a lot... and I can't seem to get this blood taste out of my mouth...but its worse in the morning. I carry candy now for when it gets bad.... suckers are best.

On the plus side, I'm seeing a therapist now, and I'm on anti depressants. He agrees, my life sucks. I hope it'll help. Really. So far I don't feel any better. but I've only been to therapy once, and only been on the meds a few days... I feel sort of foggy. But still sad. And I noticed, I can't even look at things that I like without feeling horribly heartbroken and sad. wtf is that?! I was excited about fall (cuz its my favorite)... so I was looking at pictures and I suddenly had that tightness in my chest I get before I start freaking out... but idk why? I liked it.. but it made me feel horribly depressed. I suppose that isn't really anything new though. Here lately I feel just... suffocated. By everything. Life is exhausting. I just don't want to. Ya know? I don't see the point? I don't do anything, I can't like anything because it makes me sad for some effed up reason. Everything Jon says just irritates the hell out of me, and I'm sure it isn't really him, it's just me with a seriously low tolerance for ANYTHING....but still every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid as HELL and I just wanna smack him. I just feel so bad all the time. I don't even want to have sex. and that is CRAZY for me. But why? I don't know what the point of anything is, why bother? I just don't care about anything, don't wanna do anything, just wish I'd die.

Every morning I wake up, and think, damn it. Just because I woke up. When will it end? I know I shouldn't feel so bad but.. I do and I don't know why. And if one more person tells me "it'll get better" I'm seriously going to punch them in the face. No it won't. It NEVER does. Things do not get better, they only change. I've been saying that for years and it is still true. Stop telling me It'll get better. It may get better for you, but NOTHING gets better for me. Not ever!

God forbid I mention suicide. One lady told me "Honey, nothing is worth that." Bitch! You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through, you have no idea how I feel ALL the time, I guarantee you could not handle my life. Do they hear any of it though? No. Do they understand at ALL how you feel, or how you can justify that it would be worth it for you? Of course not. To them its just selfishness. Because things get better. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well no, not in my case. You hit a point where you've just had enough. When everything has been pounding on you your ENTIRE life, it is not a temporary problem. Sure the day to day troubles are temporary, possibly even the depression is temporary... but the fact that EVERYTHING is total shit every single damn day of your life for ever and ever is not temporary. It's horribly repetitive. And screw that. Seriously. It suffocates and drowns you. You drown in misery. But it doesn't actually kill you, you just keep breathing it in, choking on it,  sputtering and gasping for anything but the misery. But it is relentless. It just keeps on and keeps on, laughing at the grip it has on you, filling you up, spilling out into your life until everything is saturated and you're laying there like a limp doll in its grasp unable to do a single thing about it. Wishing for death that never comes for you. You just watch from the sidelines, everyone else being able to be happy and have good things happen... but not you, no. You're encased with this black tar that is misery. Other people see but are unable to pull you free, and eventually everyone gives up. A few stay to watch, but mostly they all just leave. And the more you struggle, the tighter its hold becomes until you're not only drowning in it, but its crushing you as well. Unable to die.

I hate my life.

Brandi