Even if this chemistry's catastrophe, I don't give a fuck.

Breathe Carolina - I.D.G.A.F.

So, I deleted the last four posts I did. I don't really remember why but eh. And honestly I'm a little pissy at the moment and don't really feel like doing this but whatever.

So I went to therapy yesterday because for some reason I thought it might help my general lack of being able to keep things together this week. I was wrong. It was totally pointless. So I guess I was right before when I said I don't need the therapy anymore.

Also, I'm having nightmares again. I was having really pleasant but sad dreams for like two fucking weeks... and then back to nightmares. I took a nap earlier.. and woke up drenched in sweat and completely freaked out. I hate those ones the most.. the ones that make you sweat. Because then you wake up freaked out, and wet. It isn't fun. And now I'm pissy.

On the upside, after all that crap (that you no longer know about because I deleted the post) with my arm, I haven't been hungry. As soon as my arm started to get bad, my appetite went away completely, and even though its healed it hasn't come back. I'm nearly never hungry, and when I am absolutely nothing sounds good. So when I do eat it's usually just a few bites of something and I'm done. If that isn't helpful, I don't know what is. I'm hopeful it's not healed or something, and I'm going to die soon. That'd be good. There is still a rather large knot under the skin...doesn't hurt or anything but eh. I'm not going back to the doctor. Fuck that. Mom practically had to drag me to the car to get me to go when I did. lol. She kinda just grabbed the keys and was all "come on. we're going to the E.R." and I'm all "the fuck we are..." and then she gives the mom "you'll do what I say or I'll kick your ass" look, and I said fine and we left. I wish I hadn't gone. I should have just waited until Monday and called my doctor. Surely it would have been fine until then. At least it would have saved me a lot of stress this week. And the week before for that matter, but especially this week.

So I bought this gaba stuff, it's a vitamin that's supposed to help me stay calm. It does help to an extent but I was kind of hoping for happy or feel nothing, and that's only the case when my stress isn't that high. Otherwise the stuff is pointless and just makes me jittery on top of stressed. Admittedly, there was a semi fight that I stayed slightly calmer than I ordinarily would have. My rational thinking was a TINY bit better than usual. But whatever. Not enough.

So Dwight was weed eating this morning and found our cat's kittens under Michael's box thing. I wanted to keep one, I named him Sam. But he's a little too young to be away from his mother so I put him back after packing him around for like an hour. (he's about five weeks)... anyway apparently my niece was over earlier while I was napping, and went to see them... they're gone. That's just fucking fantastic. I'll probably never see him again. And he was really cute. But oh well I guess, Puck didn't like him anyway. He didn't smack at him or anything, just smelled him for a long time and then Sam meowed and Puck starts freaking out and hissing lol.  It was kind of humorous.

Anyway I don't really have anything to say...

Brandi

If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maroon 5 - Payphone

This weekend was pretty damn awesome. I went to Georgetown for Austin and Hayden's birthday part at Blue Hole... Which honestly didn't sound even slightly appealing due to the fact that.... well there are things living in that water and that scares the hell out of me. So originally I'd planned on just tanning. But I got in the water almost right away... and it was pretty awesome. I really like swimming where I can't touch, and I don't get tired swimming very easily so I did it nearly all day without really needing to hold on to anything because I'm just that awesome. haha.

Also, Amber and Stephen's roommate type person, is a CRAZY amount of hot. Nice too. But seriously.... very very very hot. I like his facial expressions... as weird as that sounds. lol. He's like... one of those people you can have a complete conversation with, without ever opening your mouth. The facial expression conversations. Lol.... yeah I'm annoying myself even, talking about this soooo....

I need to find a new job. I didn't get the one at the jail, but I knew I wasn't going to so when it happened I wasn't really upset. I need to get out of Whitney. There is nothing here. Waco, Temple, or Georgetown would be nice. Waco puts me closer to Becky, so I'd probably get to hang out with her more. Temple puts me between Amber and the boys and Becky so it'd be just as easy to see both... and Georgetown puts me closer to Amber and the boys. All good options. Just need to find a job, a good job with high pay...and vacation time. It has been two years since I've left this stupid state or even just had a significant amount of time off without having to beg for it. And even when I did get time off it wasn't for me. It was a day or two here and there from getting sick, and a three day trip to Georgetown when Amber was having crisis. I need time off :(. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. I don't really have anything else to say. I need to move. lol.

Brandi

Blessed by your genetics, you possess a certain aesthetic charm. But something's diconnected and you're quite capable of causing harm. Your malice is volcanic, your insecurity titanic, your mood is always manic and I do suppose this masquerade's become a habit.

Eve 6 - Pick Up The Pieces.

So I heard some of Eve 6's new music the other day. I really love Victoria, and this song, Pick up the pieces. They're really great. But I've always loved Eve 6.

So things have been really good. I didn't win the lottery, but that's okay because other really great things have happened. I might have a job at the Mclennan county jail.. (I really really hope so) and that would be amazing. But on top of that, apparently my car insurance had been over charging me for the past 3 years and I got a 500 dollar check from them, which went for new tires for my car. It was pretty epic. Things really are great. I just feel better. I've not had a REALLY bad day in a long time. I have annoyances but they don't last too long. I actually almost feel like a normal person even. And that's really amazing.

Also, I quit therapy roughly a month ago. I don't think I need it anymore. And I've been doing really great without it so I guess I wasn't wrong. :)

The only thing really that's been not so good, Puck got sick. But he's better now so that's good. Only apparently he gave whatever he had to my brother in laws old ass cat Buster, who's like 18 years old. I'm gonna feel like crap if he dies. But I did tell Michael that Puck was sick. There's no justifying it, if Buster dies, it's my fault. Also, I'm stressing a bit about that job because I really want it. Also I'm evidently the town pariah now. lol. But that last part I'm not really worried about. I literally don't care at all.

So I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to death to know that with my new found feeling betterness, I've also sworn off men. I really don't see the point of them. They're warm... and they can be nice. But honestly, no man has ever really been THAT nice to me. And I see now reason to put up with their bullshit anymore. I don't need anyone but me. And I'm finding, that realization is helping me a LOT to feel better. Who the hell needs them. I'm just going to worry about me, and move on with life. Because I feel like I've been asleep for 25 years, and I've finally woken up. And it feels amazing.

I don't regret marrying Jon. I think in a way, it was probably the best move I've ever made. I hurt him, and he hurt me. And I know that it was probably total hell for him all the time. But for me... It woke me up. I see things more clearly now. I know what needs to be done, and I'm doing it. I gained a sense of responsibility that I really needed and I'm on my way to starting my life, which should have been started a LONG time ago. It's cool though, better late than never right? I am a little lonely, but it's bearable. I can handle it. Because I know that soon enough everything will fall into place, and I won't have time to be lonely.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Things are really great. Puck is getting better, I might have an awesome new job, I found tremendous new music, my parents are being nice to me, everything is good. I feel like I'm almost where I'm supposed to be.

Oh! And Becky is engaged!!! Congratulations Becky! I'm so happy for you :-D! Her ring is so pretty too. I wish her all the happiness in the world.

Well I need to go to bed. Night! <3

Brandi

Even now as I write this down, all pretentions disappear. Now our impulses will bite at the ankles of our fear. So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride. Now our hands are tied, the problems lie within, so we pray for night, to start over again.

Swallow the Knife - Story of the Year

Awesome song. I love Story of the Year. Seattle is so pretty ^_^

Sooo I have a few things to talk about, I didn't think I did which is why I hadn't written but I thought of them. :)

My birthday turned out pretty dang awesome. I had an interview that morning (I didn't get the job but that's cool), then Becky took me to the zoo! I love the zoo, it was a LOT of fun. Becky's the best :-D. Then I came home and mommy made me tacos and we had cake and ice cream. I thought I'd be a total mess after then, but I actually feel pretty dang good. My back is killing me but other than that, no complaints :)

So Steve (the new therapist) and I went over my "diagnosis" because HE hadn't officially made one for me. He first said he didn't think I'm a borderline, but pulled out the DSM-IV book thingy with diagnosis' in them and we went over it. He asked what I knew/had been told about it, and I told him, no one that'd ever given me that diagnosis had gone over it with me, everything I got, I got from online. So we went over it, and although I do meet at least 5 of the 9 criteria, he told me I'm the mildest borderline he'd ever met. He said usually, they frustrate from the very beginning and they're uncooperative..but I'm not. He told me he hasn't been frustrated with me at all, and I'm incredibly cooperative. And my ability to stay calm in public, is unheard of for a borderline generally speaking. so yay me! So.. his words were "IF you are a borderline, you're a very mild case." yay me! lol... He also said that I may have been worse in the past (which I was), but that I'd done a pretty good job of working through and recognizing things I was doing that were bad, and controlling it. sooo in other words, I'm not as crazy as anyone thought! HAH! So that was good news ;).

On another note, I'm moving to Washington. How, you ask? I'm incredibly poor, you say? I'm going to win the lottery. I can feel it in my BONES. Yes, I'm aware the odds of that are seriously against me, but I can feel it. I'm going to win. And it's going to be epic. :D yay me again!

On a slightly more negative note, my back is killing me. lol. I don't know what I did. I was showing mom something on her computer, and I turned my head to look at her, and WAM! It felt like someone had literally stabbed me in the back. It hurts to move, breath, anything. So Brandi went to the doctor. He said I just pulled a muscle, and gave me an anti inflammatory, and a muscle relaxer, and it was helping yesterday but I think I just felt so out of it I didn't care that it hurt. Not the case today. Today it hurts pretty bad again. That or my tolerance level is going, and I'm tired of being in pain. Which ever the case, it can stop at any time now because Brandi doesn't like it. lol.

I've been in a pretty good mood lately though. Nothing is really bringing me down. I got a little pissy a few nights ago because of my back, and darkness, and spiders but it's all good. I say pissy, I started bawling like a freakin baby lol. So stupid. But I was tired, and I wanted to go to sleep and there were spiders in the way, and no lights, and I'd forgotten my spider stick. Was pretty awful.

Ewww I saw a SNAKE the other day. I went to church on Sunday, and after I took a diet pepsi to my mom out at Thousand Trails, and when I was leaving there was this long slithery snake on the road, slithering FAST away... it was creepy. I hate snakes.

I can't wait to be back in Seattle. I'm SO excited. It's gonna be epic and awesome, and everything good. yaaaay!

And I can't say what, but congrats to a friend on happy news! I'm sooooo happy for you! yay!

Here are a few pics from the zoo, I haven't gotten to editing all of them yet, but here are a few!

Brandi

Some call love a curse, some call love a theif, but she's my home. And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see broken bones they always seem to mend.

Angus & Julia Stone - The Devil's Tears

So It's Saturday, and I'm home....in my room... alone. As usual. Geez I'm exciting. ;-)
Buuut Becky and I are going to the zoo on Wednesday for my b-day! YAY!!! I freaking love the zoo! I guess that day probably won't be so bad after all :). Unless it rains.... it always rains on my b-day. Every year. I shit you not. But I'm going into work early on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then leaving about 11 Wednesday to go to Waco and go to the zoooooo! wooo!!! I can't wait! I'm gonna get some awesome damn pictures! God I can't wait! And theeennn we're coming back here cuz my moms makin TACOS! I love tacos! :) and cake and ice cream and whatever lol. But Tacos! and Zoo! How could that not be an awesome day!?

On another note, I'm bored. And lonely as HELL. I exorcised today! Like a lot...until it made me feel sick... I actually threw up haha. I'm sure that's not good but I'll get used to it probably. I've gotta get this weight off. I'm so sick of it. Lol... and yet I intend to eat tacos on Wednesday.. haha. They're so good though. I'm hoping exorcising like a bandit will counter act my occasional slip on eating really bad things lol. It was cool though... when it started to hurt, I just went harder! That's what ur supposed to do right? I have no idea. lol.

So I think I've decided I wanna be a freelance photographer. I'm not really sure what to do to do that though so I need to research. I went out Thursday and took a bunch of pictures, and I'll do it again at the zoo on Wednesday. But mom was looking over them and said a few of them would make good puzzles...lol weird. But since I made that decision, I keep seeing a ton of things I wanna take pictures of. Like "oh the light is hitting that PERFECTLY, wish I had my camera with me!" lol too bad I'm pretty sure that doesn't pay well.

Still no luck finding another job. I'm still looking though, there has to be SOMEONE who will at the very least give me an interview. I have damn good experience damn it! My resume is AWESOME. Anyone would be lucky to hire me. I have my crazy, but I usually keep it in check at work. And if I actually have things to do, it's all good. I start working and everything else goes away. I like working. :-) .. I don't particularly like getting up for work, but once I'm there I'm usually good. haha. I want a job that means something. That's important. You know?

Oh! Random fact.. Uncle Eli texted me today. My uncle I lived with in Alaska. I hadn't spoken to him in YEARS... it was weird.. and random. And very slightly upsetting. Not anything he said It just made me think about things. bah. It was nice to know he's still alive though.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. Next time I post I'll be 25! lol weird. Here's a few of the pictures I took Thursday, the one at the top is one too...

Brandi

You look darkly on the day, with memories to light your way. A little sad but it's alright, we are always living in twilight. No one knocks upon your door, until you don't care anymore. A little alone but it's alright, we are always living in twilight.

Living in Twilight - The Weepies

So, apparently I'm not losing my therapy next week like I thought. I'm covered until I turn 26, not 25 thankfully. I've got to be the only person in the world who dreads their birthday... I hate it almost as much as I hate Christmas. I'm not really sure why, except I know it's going to suck. My therapist says I should really stop doing that... the whole.. future prediction thing. Apparently I don't know what's going to happen at anytime...but I do. I know it's going to suck. Because everyday sucks. The difference is, it's going to suck more because I'm more aware of it on my birthday, because it isn't supposed to suck. Does that even make sense? eh..whatever. Why does it have to fall on a Wednesday? Don't get me wrong, there's really no difference in it falling then than on a weekend, except I can't spend the day hiding in my room bawling because I have to work. Stupid day. I can't wait til it's over. I'm hoping I'll feel better when it's done. *sighs*.

So Jon texted me this morning. He told me I'm like a stranger, and he feels like he's never even met me. I get it. I feel the same way...about me and everyone else. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure I ever really did. I just feel so bad all the time I don't really know what to do with it. And subsequently, I feel like I don't know anyone else either. Everything feels wrong. I feel so crazy disconnected from everything/everyone... Almost like nothing is real. Like I'm not real...

I've also kind of turned into a man hater. lol. I don't know what it is... they just ALL irritate the hell out of me without even trying. Every word just grates on me because it's so STUPID...even when it isn't. The only thing I seem to be able to think when someone of the opposite sex tries to talk to me is "uuuugh SHUT UP GOD!" I know that's bad. Especially since no one's really done anything or whatever... I'm just angry I guess. But I'm not really sure why.

I'm still hoping I'll die before next Wednesday. I know that's asking a lot. And I'm not that lucky... but I can hope right? I think I'm through wishing I'll feel okay. Jon was right when he said he couldn't see me ever being happy. It just isn't in the cards for me. And that's okay I suppose. As long as this doesn't last much longer. Because I don't know how much more I can take. Nothing bad is happening... my brain just won't shut up. I feel awful. If it's possible to feel claustrophobic without being in a small space... that's how I feel. And it hurts, a lot.

Brandi

Jinx me something crazy, thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me i'm out and on the parkway. Patient and waiting for headlights dressed in a fasion thats feeding to the inconsistancies of my moods. It's times like these when silence means everything, and no one is to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man on Third

They're first album was so good... kinda went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, I like some of their newer stuff... but the first was definitely the best by far.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so empty...hopeless....pointless. I know I just need to go to bed, but I'm so tired of sleeping. I'm so tired of everything. I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't fix this. I'm not in control of anything it seems. Self sabotage.. I'm pretty good at that. Hell, I'm an expert. But I feel like I'm being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, and I can't make it stop. Life keeps happening, and I can't even slow it down, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna be 25 in 18 days, and I can't stop it. Why would I want to right? It's only 25.... because I'm nowhere. Nothing. I thought I'd have things figured out by the time I turned 25... that things would finally be okay because how long could things possibly stay so bad.. but I was wrong. There's no way I can fix everything that's still broken in 18 days. And I'm losing my health insurance in 18 days too...which means no more therapy for Brandi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

The only thing I've accomplished, in the last 25 years.... I got married, and separated. That's it. I'm having a hell of a time finding another job. I still live with my parents. And I'm a part time secretary, that cries herself to sleep most nights, and is excellent at self sabotage. What am I supposed to do with that??? What am I supposed to do period?! I'm about to be shoved off the cliff and I can't find a single life line. Why do I do this to myself? How did I even get here?? I tried so hard, I kept moving, searching, for anything. And when that didn't work, I stayed put, and tried to get some experience and stability. And what did that accomplish??? NOTHING. I have bills I can barely afford, and I still live with my parents. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. It's Friday night and you know what I've done since I got home from work? Not a damn thing. I watched TV with my parents. Tried to learn a little Spanish. And now I'm whining on the Internet about how sad and pathetic my life is. And now I hate myself even more.

The really messed up part?? I don't even know how to give up. I don't know how to just let things happen and not try to manipulate the outcome. I bet it'd make things easier though. Just go with it. Those words sound so foreign.

This has to stop... how can I still feel so trapped? Things feel so incredibly out of control... I really need to go to sleep. Reset..... Good night.

Brandi