So let's face it, this was never what you wanted. But I know, it's fun to pretend. Now Blank stares and empty threats, are all I have...

That's Day Old Hate - City and Colour. Amazing song, that I'd never have heard if it wasn't for a friend. Thank you, you know who you are. I love that song. 6 minutes and 44 seconds of pure awesomeness.

So occasionally things happen, that catch a person off guard. Good things. Things that are never ever expected because well life in general just sucks and people suck and I suck. It is however, really nice to know that some people do appreciate me. Although at times I don't know why. I'd like to say that I am awesome at my job, and sometimes I really believe that, but sometimes I worry that I fake it. That I fake everything. I fake caring about anything, I fake knowing how to do my job... and then people come in and either praise me on my work or in some cases give me a tip...like today.. and it just throws me for a loop, and thoroughly confuses me.

We're having the church restored. The contractor is with American Craftsman, and is incredibly nice, he has been from the beginning. Cute too, but that's beside the point. Anyway yesterday he was trying to get his check, but I didn't have it. The bank had brought it by but some other people had it for some reason. Anyway after getting him in touch with some people only to discover he probably couldn't get his check yesterday he left somewhat angrily. Later, the people who had the check brought it to me, and I called the contractor to let him know I had it, he thanked me, and when he came to get it this morning, he wanted to "buy my lunches for the next few days" and gave me $40 bucks. And it massively threw me off. I mean, from time to time people will come in and do that, another of the church members gave me $20 once to "show appreciation" and hell, I'm not one to argue, I need the money... but it makes me feel so weird. I appreciate it. Really I do. It just throws me off because its so nice. I'm more likely to hear the ways I've gone wrong than that I'm doing good, and I don't even really feel like I've done anything... good or otherwise. blah.

Sooo I've been going to therapy, one on one and group. It's alright I guess, I'm not sure I like group but I probably need to stick with it for a while. I really like Steve (therapist). He's pretty awesome. His voice is all calming and soft, and I like the way he thinks. I know that I probably won't always feel that way. I'm sure I'll get mad at him, or hate him even, in fact just last week, Jon contorted my thoughts and for a while I was fighting the urge to be mad at Steve... and he didn't even do anything. It was just stuff Jon said, that was getting to me. I ended up bawling like a baby and totally freaking out because I knew I was being irrational, and I was trying desperately to calm down and stop being crazy... Michael saved me. I heard him moving around in his kitchen so I went out and cried on him for a bit, and he hung out with me til shortly before Jon got home, and I calmed down pretty quickly. I just needed someone I guess. I hate being alone and getting lonely is kinda dangerous. My head is a dangerous place to be all by myself lol.
I worry sorta that once a week for one on one therapy isn't enough.. by the time It's time to go again, I've started freaking out a day or so before. and group isn't really helpful.. then again I've only been twice so maybe it'll get helpful.
Absolutely HATE my medication. But luckily the month is almost up, so I have a Dr. appointment on Tuesday to discuss the meds. Hopefully he'll give me something else... then again, the only real side effect I have now is the tiredness and no sex drive. The nightmares stopped a few days ago... oh and they gave me a 2nd period. How nice. This is now 2 months in a row I've gotten 2 in one month. Maybe its not the pills... I might bring that up while I'm in there. I've also discovered that if I forget to take one, or take it later than usual, I get a migraine within 2 days... and that is NOT cool. As for my emotional state, I don't really feel much better. I don't think... I'm not really sure.

Pioneer Days is Saturday, and so is Jon and I's one year anniversary. He has to work until 3:30 but that's okay I suppose. Mom is in the parade, and I entered Puck for the pet photo contest. He's so damn cute :) So I'll be going with mom and Dwight I guess, and watching the parade by myself...Actually I suddenly really don't like that idea at all. I didn't even think about it... I'LL BE ALONE... in that HUGE crowd.... I have to find someone to go with me :/ I can't do that alone.. oh no...I'll ask Russell! lol

Anyway, I miss my sister a whole lot. She moved to Georgetown. I wish things weren't so hard for her. I wish I could see her more. I also wish I could get a new car. lol
Ugh.. I had something specific I wanted to talk about and now I don't remember what it was. Maybe I did already? I don't know. I guess I'll go though. I'm doing okay I suppose.

Isn't he just adorkable? lol The first pic, is the one I entered for the contest. I thought the 2nd one... but whatever I guess. I'm biased anyway, I always think he's perfect lol. Anyway.. ttyl.

Brandi Evans

No more apologies from me, my arms are tired of picking up what I put down.

Hang You Up - Yellowcard. Good song. I like Yellowcard.

So it's been a bit since I wrote last. A lot has happened but I wasn't really sure what to say about it, so I didn't write. I'm still not sure what to say really... I spent a few days in the hospital. It sucked? lol I threw up a lot... and I can't seem to get this blood taste out of my mouth...but its worse in the morning. I carry candy now for when it gets bad.... suckers are best.

On the plus side, I'm seeing a therapist now, and I'm on anti depressants. He agrees, my life sucks. I hope it'll help. Really. So far I don't feel any better. but I've only been to therapy once, and only been on the meds a few days... I feel sort of foggy. But still sad. And I noticed, I can't even look at things that I like without feeling horribly heartbroken and sad. wtf is that?! I was excited about fall (cuz its my favorite)... so I was looking at pictures and I suddenly had that tightness in my chest I get before I start freaking out... but idk why? I liked it.. but it made me feel horribly depressed. I suppose that isn't really anything new though. Here lately I feel just... suffocated. By everything. Life is exhausting. I just don't want to. Ya know? I don't see the point? I don't do anything, I can't like anything because it makes me sad for some effed up reason. Everything Jon says just irritates the hell out of me, and I'm sure it isn't really him, it's just me with a seriously low tolerance for ANYTHING....but still every time he opens his mouth he says something stupid as HELL and I just wanna smack him. I just feel so bad all the time. I don't even want to have sex. and that is CRAZY for me. But why? I don't know what the point of anything is, why bother? I just don't care about anything, don't wanna do anything, just wish I'd die.

Every morning I wake up, and think, damn it. Just because I woke up. When will it end? I know I shouldn't feel so bad but.. I do and I don't know why. And if one more person tells me "it'll get better" I'm seriously going to punch them in the face. No it won't. It NEVER does. Things do not get better, they only change. I've been saying that for years and it is still true. Stop telling me It'll get better. It may get better for you, but NOTHING gets better for me. Not ever!

God forbid I mention suicide. One lady told me "Honey, nothing is worth that." Bitch! You don't know me. You have no idea what I've been through, you have no idea how I feel ALL the time, I guarantee you could not handle my life. Do they hear any of it though? No. Do they understand at ALL how you feel, or how you can justify that it would be worth it for you? Of course not. To them its just selfishness. Because things get better. Permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well no, not in my case. You hit a point where you've just had enough. When everything has been pounding on you your ENTIRE life, it is not a temporary problem. Sure the day to day troubles are temporary, possibly even the depression is temporary... but the fact that EVERYTHING is total shit every single damn day of your life for ever and ever is not temporary. It's horribly repetitive. And screw that. Seriously. It suffocates and drowns you. You drown in misery. But it doesn't actually kill you, you just keep breathing it in, choking on it,  sputtering and gasping for anything but the misery. But it is relentless. It just keeps on and keeps on, laughing at the grip it has on you, filling you up, spilling out into your life until everything is saturated and you're laying there like a limp doll in its grasp unable to do a single thing about it. Wishing for death that never comes for you. You just watch from the sidelines, everyone else being able to be happy and have good things happen... but not you, no. You're encased with this black tar that is misery. Other people see but are unable to pull you free, and eventually everyone gives up. A few stay to watch, but mostly they all just leave. And the more you struggle, the tighter its hold becomes until you're not only drowning in it, but its crushing you as well. Unable to die.

I hate my life.

Brandi