Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start.

Avicii - Wake Me Up

I wouldn't say I forgave him...because I haven't. But we're trying again. I don't trust him. But I love him. I can't even describe how badly that hurt. The situation is over, to him. I apparently took it way too hard and blew it up a lot. I don't think so. But I don't feel like I have an argument left. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he makes good on his word to make it right. I don't think he will. Things are falling nicely back to how they were. Him mostly ignoring me during the week. Me being irritated by it, although more so now because I feel he should be like.. you know... trying. I don't like the way I feel today. I'm angry today, but also depressed. I'm not even really sure why, I mean sure that stuff bothers me but not as much as it did. I don't feel like I have a fight anymore in that department. But today I... I kind of feel like I'm going to... I don't know. I just really want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Christmas is next Wednesday. I couldn't care less. Plus it's warmed up, so it doesn't feel like it anymore. Thus is Texas. I'm not even looking forward to all the time off I get in the next 2 weeks. I mean, sleeping in will be nice but I'm doing pretty good to still be up at 9 lately. I was pretty sick for a while... a cold or the flu or something, then a stomach bug. Right on top of each other. Then the DAY I was feeling better from my bug... 5 am, period hits, worst. cramps. ever. FML. Oh, but that isn't all. Nightmares. Every night, for nearly a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. that includes naps as well. Aren't I getting a little old for that? Aren't they supposed to stop at some point? I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 30 for God sake. 

I'm almost 30. I'm wasting my life. I seriously have nothing to show for nearly 30 years. I live with my parents. I'm paying astronomically on a car that's a 1998. I'm not married. I don't have, and never will have, kids. I have nearly more bills than I have income, and nothing really to show for that even. I don't even have health insurance. My bed is broken. My glasses are WAY out of prescription. My car needs new tires. I can't fix any of that. I'm doing good to keep groceries in my fridge, and I don't even have that about 75% of the time. I have a boyfriend, that is probably just comfortable with me. But I'm about.. oh let's say 70% sure that's never going to actually go anywhere. Because I don't think he'll ever REALLY love me. And to top all that off? I have SEVERE emotional problems. Trust me, it's worse than I let on by a lot. I've just learned to hide at least some of it. I try, I really do. I'm just not sure what the point is. I don't feel like I'm ever really going to get anywhere, and to be totally honest, I'm tired of trying. I wish I didn't care about anything. I want to be one of those people. But I'm not. I do care. Probably too much. But God I really wish I didn't. Things would be so much easier if I could just go "oh well" and move on to everything. But I can't. I'm incapable of letting go. But I really am tired of trying. Because everything just backs me into a corner. Over and over and over again. The same damn corner, at that. It hurts. Everything hurts. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never good enough. Nothing I do, is ever good enough. *sighs*. I'm so tired. =(

Brandi

You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.

Stay like this weather swirls, because you've become sick like this winter, girl. Two more days, just two more. Don't you say that I've gone crazy, cause I haven't gone crazy yet. I haven't gone crazy yet. Yeah I just lost my mind, but I still got you. Stay up late so you're sure. You're sure that I won't stray too far, but surely that got too hard.

Lydia - One More Day

I'm so mad, and upset. I have been all week, but it just keeps getting added to. I feel like a wounded animal backed into a corner. I can't think of a single move that won't hurt me.

I don't think he even knows why I'm mad. I tried to explain it the best I could. But it all just got worse from there. I don't care who he talks to. I don't care what they talk about. I do NOT however, want him talking to girls he's slept with, when I'm around. How is that unreasonable? How much clearer can I make that? I don't care that you're still friends, but it bothers me and I feel threatened by it. I don't care that you talk to her.. just don't do it around me. That's all I'm saying.. But, he doesn't love me.. so I guess I can see how it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't seem to give a shit what I do, so why should I care, right? I suppose that's his logic, I don't know. That's the other thing that's bothering me. Again, still, whatever. After all this time.. he doesn't love me. Which means, he probably never will. So what the hell am I doing? I'm going to just waste years, on someone who doesn't love me? Someone I probably don't have a future with, because he probably doesn't even want one with me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know he cares, sure. But I also know he doesn't love me. But I love him. So do I continue to let him be comfortable, and waste time until he gets bored and leaves me. Or I piss him off enough that he leaves me. Even though it's hurting me. And it's going to hurt a lot more later. I'm almost 30. I don't want to play around. But thinking about my life without him now? Is unbearable. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to know, KNOW with all certainty.. that you love someone and although they're with you, and have been for a while.. they don't love you back? It's excruciating. And I have to pretend I don't care. Because God forbid I let him know how much that hurts. What's he gonna do about it? Not like he can just... suddenly do it because I want him to. There isn't a fix for it.

I don't think any of it is going to matter too much longer. I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to die soon. All of a sudden, really strong feelings. The last one, it felt like before Christmas. I'm going to die before Christmas. And today all I feel.. is something really bad is going to happen. And I'm not the only one. Mom said she felt like something bad was going to happen. She said she felt wrong. I understand. I feel wrong too. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of hoping I do die soon. It's getting really hard to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everything hurts so bad. I can't think of anything to do with myself.. when I'm alone. I'm just... alone. And alone is getting to be a pretty big feeling. Like it's swallowing me. The world... feels like it's swallowing me. Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more upset.. everything feels more and more hopeless.. and I feel more and more alone. I'm going to die alone.

I think It's about time for bed now. I can't handle being awake any longer.

Brandi

If loves a fight, then I shall die, with my heart on the trigger. They say before you start a war you better know what you're fighting for. Well baby you are all that I adore, if love is what you need a soldier I will be.

The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun

So last week was just awful. No kidding, I mean I knew it was going to be bad, because it started out bad. But by the middle of the week I was going "this seriously cannot get any worse." And you know what? It totally did. Blind sighted me like whoa with the amount of awful it was even. And then, when things were to my breaking point, and one more thing going wrong would have just sent me over the edge...It got better. I'll just start at Monday and work my way through the week.

Monday started off with people in my face. Odd for a Monday, but whatever. It was annoying, being as it lasted ALL day.. but I figured that'd be the only day. It wasn't. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't any better. So then, Wednesday I think. I'm trying to finish up the Newsletter to get it out. Not only did I get several EXTREMELY last minute articles (which irks me to no end because the deadline is supposed to be the 15th but NO ONE listens to that), but my computer starts giving me odd errors and crashing. I had to redo most of it like 4 times. So I'm getting just downright HOSTILE. I fought with it ALL day. And all day Thursday. But to add to it.. I was stressed about my relationship with Jason. Needlessly, I might add. Because I didn't think he loved me. But not so much that, more so that I was generally okay with it. That bothered me. Am I really so screwed up that I'm okay with someone I'm with not loving me? But I do that.. I chose the guys who I don't think like me all that much.. why? Because it's safer? So if they leave, I expected it anyway and it isn't so bad? That's all kinds of messed up. So I'm talking to mom about it... and she started bawling hysterically. Um.. okay? She tells me she needs to tell me something, and I'm going to hate her. Right away I know whatever she says I cannot react to it.. because she's fragile. I honestly wasn't expecting what she said. When I was 6, she hit me in the mouth and busted my lip. CPS showed up and shortly after I got sent to Alaska.. the first time. That is what I remember. What I don't remember, she said she was so mad at me after the cops and stuff left, she grabbed me by my shoulders and told me that she had me, but she hated me and would never love me again, and I was no longer her daughter. Then sent me away, thus confirming. I know my mom loves me. I know she does. But I can see how that would stay with me whether I remember it or not. Enough so apparently, that I don't let people get close to me. And when they try, I push them away. Or I ignore it altogether and then blame them for not caring, when they do. Probably explains why I'm so damn needy too.

Anyway, I don't remember it. But it still hurt like hell when she told me about it. But like promised to myself, I didn't react. Involuntary tears fell, and I started shaking, but my facial expression didn't change. I told her over and over it was okay, tried to console her, and finally changed the subject... to things I probably should not have changed it to, thus making it even worse. But it's okay.

So then Friday my biggest bitch was that people couldn't drive and I was over ready for the week to be over. I didn't really need a reason to be pissy at this point. I just was. So I got home and went to sleep. I woke up about 8 to my phone ringing. Jason, asking if I was hungry. He brought me food. Then hands me this cute owl halloween bag and says Happy Halloween lol. I asked why and he said "because you had a shit week." awww <3 it was a bottle of my favorite wine, a bottle of my perfume, a bag of beef jerky (yum!), and this really pretty 4 mirror thing with trees, omg it's pretty. He's so damn sweet, and I wasn't even nice to him last week. I feel bad. Lol. Poor guy... I put him through a lot. =/
Saturday we went to Waco and messed around, that was fun. Then we came back and played video games, and all day Sunday he played video games and cuddled with me. I slept on him most of the day. It was perfect. Part of what we did in Waco, we were looking for a Halloween costume for him but didn't find anything. So Sunday I asked if he'd be a wolf... Today he tells me he has a project for us.. he's totally making a wolf costume. Awwww <3 he's being a wolf for me! I'm gonna be Red Riding Hood. =) can you think of anything cuter? I can't. Lol. It's so damn sweet I feel like I could explode. Also, I got to order a new computer at work this morning, thus fixing most of last weeks issues...other than I can't really do anything important at work until the new one comes in other than like text documents. Means no bulletin cover photo or anything like that. No fliers should they need them. Yup. It's a pain but it'll be taken care of soon. But really... Jason is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I really love him. Not just because he brings me shit... which is cool and odd, but he just... he cares. And he shows me he does all the time. I need to stop expecting him to leave... but that's easier said than done. I'm going to try harder though, to be better about that. I need to trust him and go with it. and I'll do that, or try to from now on.. and be nicer and try not to take shit out on him when it isn't his fault. Lol. I'm a jerk.

Brandi

You pull back, and you angle towards the window. Now the rain is crashing down, and oh my god you're beautiful. And I'm so unsighted, still I pray you'll hold back your escape.

The Narrative - Eyes Closed

I feel like I died. Except I can still feel everything and have to deal. I won't say what happened, but it was bad. And the already very slim chances I had of ever having kids? Gone. So what does that leave me? Everything I ever wanted... it's all gone. I died... my life no longer has any meaning. I kind of thought that all the bad things happened because it was teaching me what to watch for, and what not to do with kids, making me stronger so that I could handle having them... I really thought I would have been a good mother. And it's gone. I won't ever be anyone's mother. No one will ever call me mommy. Ever. And that is just.... devastating. It isn't fair. I'm only 26 and I feel like my life is over. All I wanted was marriage and kids. That's all I've EVER wanted. REALLY wanted.. marriage blew up in my face.. but that was okay because I thought there was still a chance for kids, but now that's gone too. So now what? What am I supposed to do? Keep up my pointless mundane life with no meaning? For what? My life is... I don't make enough money to live on my own. I don't have health insurance. I can barely pay my bills, but no one else seems to want to hire me. When my parents die, I'm going to be homeless. Again. And I realize that kids would have complicated that even more, but I still wanted it some day. At least when it was still possible I felt like I had something to work up to.. I had a reason to try... and now I have nothing. What's the point now? I've never felt worse in my life, than I do right now. Than I have for the past 2 days. I don't know what to do now. I've never felt so empty. And what's worse? I'm pretty sure this isn't over. Everything awful that's happened recently... I feel like there's more coming. But what else could possibly happen? Seriously?! Haven't I had enough!? I don't understand.. What did I do that was so bad, that everything has to fall apart? I don't even have any hope anymore for anything. Do you know how that feels? To be completely hopeless? I'm going to bed.

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.

Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi

The dream is never what it seems, very soon you realize. It's the same as it ever was, what we need is a little more love.

Jeremy Kay - Wine and Roses

So things have been pretty good. Things are going good with Jason still, and I'm pretty happy with my life for the most part. Other than, you know, the being incredibly broke part. Lol. I really need to save up for TRF.. but I'm pretty much out of time. I only have 4 pay checks left until we go, and there's no way I can save what I need out of those unless I stop eating for the next two months. Maybe I'll just ONLY buy those dollar tv dinners for the next two months and call it good. I can live on that.. I pretty much do anyway. But it's going to cost like 100 bucks just to drive down there and back, then camping is 20, and I'll need money for food and drinks and shit while we're there. I was going to buy a air mattress because we're going to stay in a tent, but I think I'll just take my futon mattress.. it'll fit in the back of my car I think. It's pretty flimsy.. it'll fold. haha.

So my A/C died last week. It was SO hot. Dwight and Jason took it out yesterday (because Dwight bought me a new one... 0.0 I know... I was shocked as shit), it was froze up apparently. Which is stupid, mind you... it's in the triple digits, and it's off when I'm not here... how the HELL could it be FROZEN? whatever. The new one works famously. But they put in the new one yesterday. It's awesome. It works so much better than my other one! but it was getting pretty old. Mom said they don't have an incredibly long shelf life anyway.. but I got good use out of the old one. Mom said something about letting the old one thaw out and cleaning it up and something about a new censor and it'll probably work again, so there's that.

So Jason. I got an extra night with him this weekend. <3 makes me so happy. AND he brought me a bottle of my favorite wine. =) that man... he's the best. But he came over Friday and I didn't have to give him up until today. I love sleeping with him. It's the best. He's the best cuddler ever. and I know he doesn't like kissing or hand holding, but he's the best at those too. He's the best at everything. I just love every moment with him. He makes me so happy. But, he has his own toothbrush and deodorant here now. Lol so no more swishing with toothpaste and using my deodorant.. haha. That was cute though. I miss him so much when he isn't here. But I think I do pretty well when he's not around. Before, I would have been a basket case all week, and yes some days are harder than others but for the most part the weekend is enough to get me through the week. I wish I had more time with him, but it's cool. I don't wanna smother him too much anyway.. which I'm sure that I do... because I kinda insist he talks to me nearly constantly... lol but still.

I woke up this morning, with my knee hurting. The one I messed up a few years ago. Oh man it hurts so bad. but I'll live. Lol.

Anywho, that's all I got. Things are good. Yup. haha. Have fun.

Brandi

Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment. Take this advice live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard.

The Tide - The Spill Canvas

So I just sat down here to write this, and my pants ripped. Lol... But i'm not really sure how? Those pants were like 4 times too big for me.. to the point I literally had to hold them up when I walked or they'd fall off. Not just sag down... fall OFF. Oh well, I can use the material for something. They're plaid lol. I'm a little worried now that they already had a hole and I've been walking around all day with a huge hole in the ass of my pants. o.0 lol oh well I guess. If so, the people around me are dicks for not mentioning it. Lol. oh and by "my pants ripped" I don't mean a little. The entire ass ripped out. Lol. It scared the hell out of me.

Anyway, I didn't really have anything to say. I generally don't, but I'm sure I'll think of something to ramble on about. I just got off my period. I'm sure you really wanted to know that but it is in fact, significant. Usually, I'm a little testy BEFORE I start... but once I do, I'm fine. It's actually usually my most sane week of the month. Not this time. It really kicked my ass emotionally. I was bitchy before it started and once I did actually start I all but lost complete control for DAYS. I'm glad it's over though. I'm feeling much more sane now. I actually started crying at one point because I was overwhelmed with emotion but I couldn't tell which emotions it was. I dreamt last night, that I could show people how I felt by touching them and focusing on it. But I only showed mom. She said something to me in the dream, and I go "just.. look" and touched her arm, and she like fell to the ground crying hysterically. But the odd part was, in the dream, I wasn't feeling that bad. I felt like I normally do. Which isn't by any means good, it's more like.. numb. I feel numb a lot. I'm not complaining. I need to be numb for a while. I've been being too... clingy and lovey and crap lately. I need to turn that shit off. It makes people uncomfortable. The only way I know how to do that though is to turn off all emotion... I can do it. but it isn't easy.. and it's even harder to turn back on because it tends to FLOOD back in. I don't know why I can't just find a happy medium that everyone can be okay with. I don't want to be cold. =( but.. I'm gonna have to I guess. Cold turns to resentment, which turns to hate, which is a feeling, a strong one at that... and then I'm flooded and totally freak out and lose my shit. Sounds like a party. Can't wait. I can tell you exactly how this is going to go. I'm not at all comfortable with it. This is going to end REALLY badly. *sighs*. But what can ya do? Ya know?

So mom fell yesterday, again. She sprained her ankle... you'd think she had it amputated. Lol. I know it hurts and she's old and fragile.. and I'm babying her like you wouldn't believe, but she's such a baby. Lol. She's never like that with me. I spend my afternoon downstairs, getting things for her and what-not.. generally being nice and taking care of her. She doesn't do that shit for me. If I get sick I get " you're the sickliest kid I've ever met in my life." Once, I fell off the side walk and was laying in the grass crying because my ankle hurt.. she comes out "Oh Jesus Christ Brandi, get up and quit fucking crying." -_- .. thanks mom. Lol. And usually when she has to take me to ER it's a HUGE deal... although the last 2 times she took me she was nice. Once with that thing under my arm and she FORCED me to go... but I think she thought I was going to die with that one lol.. which.. I could have. And the last time, I called her at 6am because I had a massive migraine I couldn't get rid of and she came and got me and took me to the ER for a shot, and then she got me breakfast lol. Usually she gets mad about migraines.. but apparently that's because I used to start screaming at the top of my lungs and crying... I realize now that it's counter productive.. but the shit HURTS. I still tend to cry, but it's more like... silent sobs now.. lol with my face covered to keep from seeing light. Anyway, I love that woman. I really wish she'd stop falling. She's so fragile, she's really going to hurt herself one of these days :(... not to mention she whines about it FOREVER. At least she didn't break it. She usually breaks things. Ribs, ankles, wrist, toes... at least now I know where I got the clumsy from.. but I've never broken anything. Sprained things badly... like my knee, ankles and wrists.. but nothing broken. My bones are really strong apparently, despite the fact that I don't drink milk....ever.

I've decided I want another kitty. But I'm being a little picky. I think I may go adopt one from the Humane Society, but I dunno yet. If so it'll be with the check after next because this one is already gone, even though I don't have it yet. Isn't that how it goes? Lol. But I think Puck needs a sister.. =D ...or a brother.. but I think I'd rather get a girl this time. I haven't had a girl cat in a long time.. mostly because I don't like girl cats but meh. Maybe I'll find the perfect one for us at the Humane Society. :) I love cats.

So I have a bit of an issue, I'm not sure what to do about. I don't really want to talk about it... but I don't want to deal with it either. I mean I do... because I'd like it to not be an issue... but I don't think it's something I can fix. I think it's something I'm just going to have to watch and see what happens. I really don't like doing that. I don't like letting things happen. I like knowing. Or being able to anticipate.. and that just isn't an option here. I have no idea what's going to happen. I really hate surprises. And life really likes to throw those at me. Lol... and usually not good ones. But I mean... I'm not a fortune teller.. maybe something good will happen. In fact.. I'm wrong about.. oh let's say 40% of the time. Lol. At least when it comes to my life. I can usually predict what will happen with other people's lives.. but not so much with my own. I can almost always count on negative, but it's been pretty positive lately. I've been positively wrong. Lol. Those instances aren't too bad... But I'm a little scared of how this will turn out, and how long it's going to take to blow up in my face. Because I'm sure it will eventually. I know that's negative as hell, but I just don't have good luck when it comes to these types of things. Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I shall go.

Brandi

Time together isn't ever quite enough. When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home.

Owl City - The Saltwater Room

Alright, a fully positive post. Aren't you excited?! Lol. So my freaking out was premature at best. Lol I'm dumb. He showed up at like 2am Monday morning, and scared the hell out of me. Random person climbing into my bed, he's probably lucky I didn't start throwing punches... but apparently being woken from dead sleep by someone getting into bed with me when I'm not expecting it has a totally different effect on me. Instead of swinging, I screamed kinda quietly, put my hands over my face and turned over. Lol. Good thing he wasn't like a serial killer or something. haha. I would have hid my face to death! When I realized it was just him I almost started to cry because he scared me. haha. I was glad he came though =D and it was neat waking up and getting ready for work with him there. And then, him being the awesome dude he is, he brought me lunch and hung out with me at work, then I got off work, we tried to go to a Thrift Store but it was closed so we came back here and he was here til like 7:30. Then today, he came up to my work again to tell me hi and I got lotsa hugs before he left to go do things he was in town for lol. I like when he's off during the week. It's fantastical. <3

So, in case y'all didn't know, I like to make things. Lol crafts are fun. So I've discovered fabric puff paint sticks to glass. I've painted a few jars.. and random pictures lol... and today I bought a hot glue gun, and took the fall stuff I had... leaves and what-not and made like.. garlands (which are kinda like headbands).. they came out pretty damn neat! I made a barrette too. lol.. I LOVE CRAFTS! Also, a few weeks ago mom had a faux mardi gras party thing at her work, so I got to make masks.. that was fun too! I wish I had lots and lots of money.. so I didn't have to work and I could buy all the craft stuff I wanted and just sit and do crafts all day. ENTERTAINMENT GALORE!!!! Bahahahaha! I need to make things... I NEED TO MAKE THINGS.... I wonder if that can be an addiction. lol. Anywho, not much else to say. I get Thursday off for Fourth of July and I'm pretty excited about that even though I probably won't do anything lol... It would have made more sense to give me Friday off but whatever. Lol still a four day week.. I shall not complain. =D I hope you guys have a great holiday!

Brandi

Oh, happily ever after, wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know. Oh, skip to the ending, who'd like to know? I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up, do I end up happy?

Happily Ever After - He is We

I don't know how to start this. I want to start on positive but i'm upset. I've been trying really hard not to be so negative lately... it's hard. I've noticed recently how negative the people around me are. So very negative. Granted, most of them have good reason to be. Still, it's exhausting. It makes me feel bad for all the negativity I've put forth too. And even worse that I'm about to spew some more. I'll start with positive though. I'm really happy with Jason. And I've noticed, he actually puts forth some effort into making me happy, whether he realizes it or not. It's appreciated. It's more effort than anyone else has ever given me. He doesn't need to, I like him anyway. But I like it.

That's pretty much the only positive I have at the moment. Oh, no it isn't. I've decided, yet again, to go to school. Only this time, I actually turned everything in lol. I'm waiting on a form to come so I can get the bacterial meningitis vaccine waived, I'll turn it in and then register for classes. Although I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't decide between just doing basics, or getting an Administrative degree. I mine as well do the latter. I like office work, but my God It's boring. I was hoping for something where I'd actually get to do something but meh. I can't think of anything that sounds fun and doesn't require like 15 years of school.

Okay, to the negative. I'm tired. And annoyed with myself. I'm a little spoiled, and selfish. And that bothers me. But I can't seem to keep from being upset anyway. I'm pretty happy lately. I can mostly get through the week without getting upset. I'm a little stressed out, but it isn't anything I can't handle. But the reason for that is because I've come to count on my Saturday night. Saturday night, I don't have to sleep alone. I hate sleeping alone. I get to cuddle and it makes everything okay for the week. I look forward to it all week, even though I never know for sure if it'll happen and I usually end up getting upset before I find out, especially if it starts getting late... but it isn't tonight. And I kind of feel like I'm totally going to lose my shit. Because I'm spoiled, and selfish. I need it because it keeps me from losing my shit during the week when I'm alone, and he barely talks to me. And when he does he's kind of cold.. but the one night I get with him a week is enough. It makes up for all of it. It makes up for the stupid ass shit I have to deal with every other day, because I know if I can just make it to Saturday, It'll be okay. But it's not. This week it's not okay. I'm alone. And I really don't want to be. I don't like it. I need to cuddle. You don't understand... I need it.. NEED it. And the part that's getting me the most? He has all this next week off.. but do I think I'll get to see him? No. I'm actually pretty fucking sure I won't. Plus I'm about to start my period which is making everything like 1093812038120938120938 times worse. Because that means no sex for TWO weeks instead of one (because this one is gone)... (and it sucks that probably bothers me more than it does him)... plus.. I just get really on edge before it starts... I'm pissy.. and on edge.. and everything just really gets on my nerves. And I'm tired. He has a life. I get it. I really do. And I feel bad for being upset... but UGH!!! :( ... One day. One freaking day. I got to see him yesterday, and it was fun.. but CUDDLES!!! I NEED THEM! And so, of course, because it's me... everything has to snowball. I get upset because I lost my Saturday night. And then things get added that don't generally bother me TOO much and just take CHUNKS out of me emotionally. I don't even think he really cares. I mean.. about 90% of the time I think he cares about me at least a little.. but I'm pretty sure it's just a little. Enough to want to make me happy. But the other 10% I'm pretty sure it's totally one sided. And I know I care a lot more than he does. Which sucks, mind you. Because I'm you know.. In love with him.. and then I have to do that lame lovey gooey crap that sickens everyone, probably including him, and I can't fucking stop myself.. and then I get irritated when he doesn't say anything nice back.. On a positive note though, at least he doesn't tell me to stop being gay. You know, I don't even know where that shit came from. My family is not affectionate. They aren't ooey gooey and sappy. They barely hug. So how the hell did I end up like this? I need hugs. and affection. I'm NEEDY...Why?? How did that even happen?! I mean.. I don't like strangers touching me.... like at all... or even people I barely know... but relationship wise.. and family wise... I want fucking hugs. And relationship wise, I need the ooey gooey lame bullshit. Not all the time, but once in a while would be nice so I don't feel so fucking stupid when I'm feeling that way and do it. My family is big on "I love you" but that's only because (at least I think) we're afraid if when someone leaves, and we didn't tell them we love them, and something happens to them (because this family is cursed and bad shit happens all the time) we'll regret not telling them. At least that's me. I'm pretty sure it's them too. We want them to know we love them without actually having to show it. Because this family doesn't know how to show love. Maybe that's why I over compensate? Making up for complete lack of affection from the rest of the family? I don't know. I'm just really annoyed and sad. How am I gonna get through the week? How the shit am I gonna get through the night? Every time I think about going to bed I just wanna cry because it's Saturday and I'm alone. I don't like it. At all. Also, I'm really sick of being poor. I don't wanna be poor. I don't even really care if I'm rich? I just want to be comfortable. Life is hard.

Brandi

The scent you wear moves in lines from your apartment into mine. You act like you don't know me, my God you tempt my anxious mind.

Milo Green - 1957

So today is June 3rd. Yesterday was the end of our "trial relationship" lol. He didn't break up with me. But towards the end of the month, I didn't think he would. And this last weekend, I knew for sure he wasn't going to simply because of how he treated me. It was great. One of the best weekends of my life. And you know what I realized? I'm happy. Legitimately happy. I've never been able to say that. Ever. But I think I finally understand what happy is, where as, I didn't before.

Happiness is not everything being perfect and not having to worry about anything. Being happy is just being content with where things are. Understanding that things will never be perfect, but that doesn't mean they aren't still pretty damn good. For me, it's waking up in the morning and being okay with the fact that I'm awake. It's going a considerable amount of time without thinking about hurting myself just because I can, whether I'm hurting emotionally or not. It's not waiting for the bottom to drop out, just because it usually does. It's realizing that nothing is ALWAYS or FOREVER or NEVER. Because those things don't exist. It's being able to be alone, and being okay.

I have had far more good days than bad ones lately, and that is saying something. I feel better. Things are not by any means perfect, but they are good. I still think everyone lied to me. Things get better? Maybe for some people... but I don't think that's it. I think it's just... deciding things maybe aren't so bad. And instead of wondering how long it will last, I'm just going to go with it, and enjoy it. Even the things that have gotten on my nerves lately.. that's all it is. Temporary irritation, and it doesn't even seen to take that long for me to get over it in most cases.

I think Jason and I are in a good place right now. I like it, anyway. It seems to be working. I still think he's scared.. but I get it. And we seem to at least be making progress, I mean.. he's with me, right? I'm good with that. It's what I wanted, and I still want it. He really is great. He's so sweet, understanding, and just generally great. And he's literally the best cuddler ever. Sleeping with him is amazing. I love when I turn away from him, and he cuddles up to me and wraps his arms around me. It gives me chills. It's so comforting and just... euphoric. Lol. I know, dramatic... but it's true. Him touching me at all is like that for me, it's just more intense that way. General touching makes me happy... but when he holds me it's like... a jolt of positive emotion? I don't know how else to describe it. It's like nothing I've ever felt. Like...waves of... feeling. Lol. I love him. In the most pure and honest way I've ever loved anyone. He makes me happy. He makes me better.. makes me want to be better. And he talks to me. REALLY talks to me, like no one else ever has. It's quite possibly the most healthy relationship I've ever had, and I love it. He has issues, but who doesn't? He isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. He's exactly what I want, and need. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have his difficult self. Lol. And even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me, he at least makes me feel like he does most of the time, and that's enough for me. He's a great guy. =)

Brandi

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do

Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply

So, where to start. Lol. I'll start with the bad first because there isn't so much but it is just.. horrifying.

For one, I'm sick. Pretty sure it's bronchitis. Could be pneumonia.. I've never had pneumonia, and this doesn't really feel the same as bronchitis. My lungs feel like they're full of cement, and I'm just.. fucking exhausted and my back feels like someone been beating on me with a crowbar. Also, I noticed this afternoon that my toenails and fingernails are.. grayish. Lol I asked mom about it she goes "you aren't getting enough air, that's why you're so tired too." Sadly though, that is NOT the worst news.

Do you recall, about this time last year.. I mentioned having surgery? Yeah... well here's a little refresher. I'd gotten like a.. abscess in my underarm. It got to about the size of a baseball and I couldn't put my arm down. I had a fever, couldn't stay awake, hurt to move... Finally mom MADE me go to the ER despite my protesting, where they informed me that I'd almost waited too long. It was too close to my heart to have waited so long, I was going septic (which for those of you who don't know, that means that infection was getting into my blood stream and I was essentially poisoning myself to death.). They cut it open, which fucking HURT... filled me full of antibiotics and packed it full of gauze. Told me to come back next day. Infection wasn't improved, and my fever was worse, so they pulled out the gauze, drained it some more, and shot me full of more antibiotics.. a really painful one.. in the ass... and it fucking reeked. lol and I finally started getting better. Well, I just realized? I'm getting another one. I nearly had a panic attack when I noticed it. So, I cut it open myself, got as much out as I could, and then doused it with alcohol. This should be fun.

Buuuut on to more positive things. So I did something, A little manipulative. And kind of crazy. Lol I didn't think it'd work.. but it did much to my gleeful surprise! lol. I offered Jason a "trial relationship" From May 2, to June 2. If on June 2 he decides being with me is awful or he's bored or whatever, he can break up with me and I'll drop it altogether. If he decides to stay with me, same offer applies, if at any time he wants to break up, he can, and I'll let it go. Who the hell thought he'd actually agree to that?!?! but he did. =D He's probably gonna dump my ass on June 2nd... lol but at least I have the month. And maybe.. hopefully.. he won't. He's muh boyfriend =D hehehehehehehe.

So this weekend, he took me to see Iron Man 3, and we ate at Fudruckers. It was a lot of fun. Hit up Hastings and Hobby Lobby too. He didn't like Iron Man because "the villian was just as bad as bane in the new Batman, and it didn't follow the comic... my fanboy is curled up crying right now." Lol.. He's so cute when movies stress him out. And he spent the night again, which is always guaranteed to make me very happy. He's awesome to sleep with. He did hog the covers this time, but it's okay because I have a spare I usually cuddle with lol, so I just pulled it over me when I got cold and snuggled closer to him.. he's like a furnace. lol. But oh man it's... perfection. He holds me so tight. Just wish he'd kiss me more. And he doesn't like hand holding.. which makes me a little sad, but I can live without the hand holding. The sex is fucking amazing. Lol.

All in all, I'm in a much better mood than I have any right to be considering I'm sick and have another one of those things. Maybe it won't get bad this time though. I'll just watch it really carefully and what-not. Or maybe I got it because I'm sick. Who knows. I've also been on my period for 7 fucking days to add insult to injury. But no cramps luckily, so it's more annoying than anything. See? In a much better mood than I have any right to be. But I am exhausted. I've been awake for like two hours and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. So I think it's time for bed here pretty quick. Hope y'all are doing good too. :)

Brandi

What's it gonna be 'cuz I can't pretend. Don't you want to be more than friends? Hold me tight and don't let go. Don't let go, you have the right to lose control. Don't let go. I often tell myself that we could be more than just friends. I know you think that if we move too soon it would all end. I live in misery when you're not around.

En Vogue - Don't Let Go

I'm too indecisive. I change my mind too often. It's not that I mean to, just my feelings change constantly. What I feel in regards to something one day, can be the total opposite the next. I hate it. I'm sure it frustrates the hell out of everyone else too but I don't know how to control it. I don't know how to just.. be okay with something when I'm not okay with it.. even if I was okay with it before. Wanna guess where this is going? *sighs*.

You ever ask a question you KNOW you don't want the answer to? I did that. Knowing full well the answer could potentially really upset me. And I thought I was prepared for it. But I threw up. That's how much it got to me. Which is ridiculous. I do not have the right to be upset about it. Not even a little. But I was. I am. To the point even, I think I know what needs to be done. I considered pulling ultimatums. But that isn't a good idea. Instead I'm going to do something less painful, less damaging... but probably much much harder. It's going to take a lot of will power. And it's still really going to hurt. But I think I'm upset enough to pull it off. At least for a while. As we all know, I don't really stay mad at people for long unless it's a serious offence... or a repetitive one. And like I said, I don't have the right to be upset about this. But I quit. I'm gonna just not talk to him for a while. No matter what. Even if he asks me a direct question. Unless it's something regarding being with me, I need to be gone to him for a while. I need to try to get over him because although he's amazing and wonderful and I want him in my life together or not... I need to try to stop because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to be patient. I'm not a patient person. This has gone on for way too long. Every time I think progress is being made.. I have to go ask a stupid fucking question that shows me that.. no.. probably no progress is being made. You're stupid and making shit up to make yourself feel better and all it's doing is hurting you more. Good job, Brandi. Excellent. Be with me, or don't. I can't do both ways anymore. I can't do this in between crap because it's confusing and it hurts. And since he doesn't want to be with me, and he likes being single so much... fine. But you're completely single. Because I'm out. I hope it was worth it.

Brandi

Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard? It’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I’ll tell you one thing, It’s always better when we’re together.

Jack Johnson - Better Together

I had, quite possibly, the best weekend of my life. Not fairy tale best, but real best. And this morning I realized things. Things that both make me very happy, and scare the living hell out of me.

Divorce sucked, more than I've been willing to admit. I thought that I was good with it. We weren't meant to be together and that was okay. And my level of upset about the situation had nothing to do with losing him. But everything to do with me failing at something that should not have been failed. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I don't believe in divorce unless there are extenuating circumstances. And by that I mean things like abuse or whatever. And that wasn't the case for me. He never hit me and he never would have. So my reasoning was not good enough, and I knew it. But the fact of the matter was we never should have gone through with marriage in the first place. And I decided I would absolutely never ever go through that again. For any reason. I'd convinced myself that marriage in general was just a really bad idea for me, and not something that I personally should ever do. I believed that with all my being. I believed I'd never want it again, or even consider considering it. Not. Going. To. Happen. Ever.

I was wrong. Again.

I gotta tell you, I'm really getting tired of being wrong. Lol. It's way too common an occurrence  but hey, at least I can admit it, right? But, I'm going to tell you about my weekend, and then I'll get to my point.

So, Jason asked me to go with him to Scarborough Fair this weekend. I hate that place with a fiery passion, but anything with Jason is fun so I was good with it. I could probably literally go to hell and as long as he was there, I'd be good. Maybe hell is a bad example... I wouldn't want him there... it'd be stressful. Anyway, you get my point. It was... better than I could have hoped for. It was a lot of fun. But I have a hard time thinking about it too much because... well my brain likes to do things and flip things and then it becomes more than what it is and gets me into trouble. Either way, it was a lot of fun, and not just because he was there, although it probably would have been awful without him.. like most things are. So after Scarborough, we drive back to Hillsboro, and he's getting a TV for me from a friend of his. It's a big fucking TV. He got a little mad about the state of my car... (pretty messy lol) but in all fairness I DID tell him it wasn't going to fit... it did end up fitting but again.. he got pretty mad... I'm cleaning out my car this afternoon. It'll never be like that again. And in all fairness it would have been fine if he hadn't had to open the back.. which is where all the mess was. haha. I never finished totally unpacking my car when I moved back into the parents... but most of it can be tossed. So they load the TV into my car, and we hung out there for a while, then stopped by his house, he got his car, and we drove back to my house. Somehow I got him to stay the night. He's never stayed with me before. And even that was better than I could have hoped for. I haven't slept in the same bed with anyone else in... oh god.... a really long time. And as much as I hate sleeping alone, sleeping with other people has always been weird for me. Someone else jackin' all the covers, guys tend to run hot and I like to be a little cold when I sleep, and nearly every guy that has ever slept with me SNORES like all hell. Needless to say, I rarely actually get any sleep when someone else is with me. Also, I usually like to cuddle at first but then I roll to the other side of the bed and don't touch the rest of the night. That is how I sleep with other people. Together, but alone otherwise, I don't really sleep. I doze. This was not the case with him. He is very hot, but I was okay with it. He isn't loud, isn't a cover hog, and he held me all night, tightly. I've never felt so safe and comfortable in my life. I slept better than I have in a really long time. And waking up with him there was the best thing ever. So I made him pancakes. Lol which.. was awkward as hell but I'm not used to waking up with people there. I was also kicking myself for not having more suitable breakfast foods, like bacon.. but I'm not a big breakfast person. Lol. I'd actually considered going out and getting us breakfast.. but he was parked behind me and I didn't wanna wake him up until I had food for him. I let him sleep until about 1. That was the longest consecutive time we've spent together since we met. 24.5 hours. The best 24.5 hours of my life. Aside from him being mad at me about my car. Lol.

So the realization I've come to... which actually I came to it a few weeks ago but it hit me harder today, is that although I'll never have to, I would consider it. I almost even want it. I don't think it would be a disaster like before. He talked to me about it once. I was thinking about going to the doctor to find out for sure if I can have kids before my insurance ran out (I didn't get to though). I told him I was scared. There were only two things I wanted from my life and the first already blew up in my face. If I couldn't have the 2nd, I really had no reason to be. He told me he didn't believe in marriage either for the most part, but it blew up in my face because I did it for the wrong reasons. It wasn't "Oh hey, I really love this person and I want to spend the rest of my life with them." It was.. convenience. And that's why it was so bad. But he was right. There is nothing convenient about marriage. It should NEVER be entered into that lightly. And to be honest, I probably would not have gone through with it... but I was trying to make a point. I'd been engaged before, and never went through with it. No one thought I'd go through with it that time either. I seriously did consider calling it off, I knew it was a bad idea. But I'm stubborn. And stupid. Lol.

I had another point other than that. Another realization, if you will. I fall for people pretty easily. Any of you who know me well, know that. I trust too easily, I fall too easily, and I don't see anything wrong at all with guys I really care about, really until it's too late. It's too... extreme, much like everything else is for me. But as I get older things are becoming clearer, sort of. Sometimes more so than others. In this case it was kind of the same. But not. You see, I've met other guys. Even since I met Jason. Ordinarily, if I can find someone else to attach to (which usually isn't difficult), I can move on from whoever it is I'm wanting that doesn't want me back. That isn't the case this time. I literally want nothing to do with anyone else. Nothing. The thought of anyone else even, kind of makes me sick. No one holds a candle to him. But the good part, the healthy part to this, is that I don't usually find fault in guys I'm into. Not for a few months. It's been seven. For one, that's an unusually long time for me to be focused on one person who doesn't want me back, even for me. I can see his...flaws? if you will. But rather than ignoring it, or pretending they aren't there... it's part of what makes me love him. He's a neurotic, pain in the ass. He frustrates the hell out of me and about half the time he's got me so confused I'd just like to strangle him. But I would literally do anything for him. Be anything, for him. Anything. But the realization I came to, that surprised me, other than knowing that if it came to it, I think I would in fact do the thing I said I never would, is that it doesn't feel the same. Don't get me wrong, it's crazy intense. But it... doesn't feel... wrong? Everyone else, on some level I knew wasn't right. I'd make excuses for them, or ignore things, and it just wasn't healthy in general. And he may not be right either, I mean dude isn't even with me lol... but the way I feel for once doesn't feel unhealthy. It feels right to me. And I know that even if nothing ever comes of it, and it's bound not to, as long as I know that he's happy with his life, I will be okay with mine. The thought of him not being in my life literally makes me feel sick... but if there is a time when that is what is right for him, I would gladly step away and take whatever devastation came with that. As long as it meant that he was happy.

I'm not a take things slow kind of girl. I'm not a planner. I'm impatient and kind of crazy. I rarely know what I want. And even when I think I know what I want? I usually don't. Lol. But in this case, I do. I have not only surprised myself, but I surprised Heather too. My behavior towards him and our situation, is not normal for me. But it is an improvement. He's helping me more than he knows, just by being whatever he is to me. I only wish I could do the same for him, I'm hoping just being around is enough until he can tell me what he needs. Anytime I think about my future? He's in it somehow. The days when I expected every little thing to drive him away like it does most people, are gone. I'm no longer afraid if I say the wrong thing he's going to bale because I think on some level he DOES need me as much as I need him. Or at least close to. Maybe. I hope so lol. Occasionally I kid myself into believing I won't let this go like this forever. Eventually I'll give him a final ultimatum and when he tells me, again, that he just can't, I'll move on. I'd like to believe I could do that. I'd like to believe that if I really needed to, I could give him up. But I don't think that is the case anymore. I don't think I can walk away, or even do anything that would jeopardize whatever it is we have together. I am completely and irrevocably in love with him. And honestly? That kind of scares the piss out of me. Some aspects more so than others...see above... but also that it's... unrequited. I know that he cares. But I don't know how much, or if it'll ever be enough to be.. anything. I have more hope than what is probably healthy. But for the most part I'm happy with how things are with us. He treats us like a relationship sort of, just without the.. title?... and very rare kissing, but it's okay. He's everything I want and need. He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. He makes me happy. And that above all else, is the biggest deal of all. He makes the pain I feel everyday, barely a blimp on my radar, he makes me happy with myself, and when he holds me, or hugs me he makes me feel safe. Sometimes the way he looks at me tells me he cares more than he lets on, but I don't know if it's real or imagined. It doesn't really matter. I love him enough for the both of us.

The part that bothers me though, is that I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have let him know how much I cared. I'm glad he knows that I do... but I think I told him too much. I just don't like people not knowing how I feel about them. What if something happens? That isn't pessimism. Life is hard and bad things happen everyday.. A lot of people die without ever knowing how much they mean to someone. I try to make sure everyone in my life knows I care for them, just in case. But I sometimes over share. Lol. Like I just did up there ^^. That was some serious over sharing. But hey, this is MY blog. I do what I want. Lol If you don't like it, don't read it. ;)

But while I'm saying things I never ever should have. (Although, it is helpful for me I think).

I really love this person. And I think I would want to spend the rest of my life with him if it came to that. Not out of convenience, or to prove a point, but because I love him and I want to wake up next to him everyday. Because I want to get mad him and him be mad at me and know that it'll be okay and we'll both get over it. Because I want to get to fight for him everyday and know that he's fighting too. I want to look at him when we're old and know that we did our best and loved each other the best way we knew how, and we didn't give up because it was hard. I would want that. Some day. Probably many years from now, but still. I would.

I think I've gone on enough about that. Lol. Sorry peoples. haha. I hope you have a wonderful day/week/month/whatever! Lol love ya!

Brandi

But what is this that I can't see, with ice cold hands taking hold of me. When God is gone and the Devil takes hold, who will have mercy on your soul?

O' Death - Jen Titus

For once, the song doesn't really reflect how I'm feeling. I just really like it.

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I moved back in with my parents. Come to think of it, I think I remember mentioning it. So there's that. But I have more bills so instead of being in the hole every month, I break even. Barely. To add fuel to the stress, something is wrong with me. I don't know what it is I'm probably dying or something. I feel sick to my stomach about 70% of the time, at random ass times. Usually first thing in the morning, then a few hours into the day I'm okay, and then I feel sick again in the afternoon. Every few days I actually throw up in the morning... there were a few days there I was throwing up even in the afternoon. I'm hungry all the time. And the last few days I have to pee constantly. I wake up 2-3 times every night and have to go so bad I'm usually dreaming about it. I'm actually a little surprised I haven't wet the bed yet. That's.. awful but still. I'm not overly thirsty.. I haven't been drinking any more than usual. It doesn't hurt to pee... I don't understand. Mom said maybe I'm diabetic but she always says that, someone checks my blood sugar, and i'm always fine. Occasionally it's a little low, but not often and it's NEVER been high. So that isn't it. And then there's the tired. I've been finding it difficult to get through a day without a nap last few weeks. And right now even. I got plenty of sleep, how could I possibly still be tired??

Other than all that I'm okay though. I have ups and downs... like usual. And of course the people in my life threaten me for the downs. Like I have a whole lot of control over that. Seriously.

Puck turned two. He's a gigantic pain in my ass, but I love him, so much lol. And I do mean gigantic. Lol don't get me wrong.. he's losing weight because he's on a diet... but he's such a fat little thing. lol.

So I was playing with the school idea again. Trying to figure out what I can do because everything I WANT to do, requires a doctorate. Microbiology specializing in Virology - Doctorate. Volcanologist - Doctorate, at least. So what else is there? I like storms... storm chaser? Nope. It doesn't require a doctorate, and I read doesn't even really require school. But it's hard to get into and pays crap unless you have a butt load of experience and even then it's not much. So that's out. You know what occurred to me? I'm big on risk. Think about it, I've done some really crazy things. I moved to Washington, twice, with nothing, and dating someone I didn't even really know. Then I moved to Wyoming, sort of on a whim. I mean, it was planned, but the person I was moving in with hadn't talked to me in two weeks when I left anyway. That was really stupid.. I mean it turned out okay but it was still really stupid. And then there are my desired career choices. All of which would literally put my life in danger every day. I don't want to do them because I have a death wish, it's just exciting. Those are the things that hold my interest. The wrath of nature. Nature is so badass. Diseases, natural disasters.. what is more interesting than that?! So then I got to thinking, okay well.. what ELSE is there? When I was really really into the photography thing, I didn't like people photography.. I like the nature/landscape time. So what if I combined the other things I like, with that?! Get pictures of landscapes, volcanoes, storms..AND get to travel!!! now THAT would be cool. No school required. All I need is badass camera, and money to travel. But that's the problem now, isn't it? I don't have a badass camera. I can't afford a badass camera, and I can't afford to drive across the street much less anywhere cool.  So I'm playing the lottery again. Because that is the only way that particular dream, will ever happen. At least at that point it won't make any difference if I ever actually make any money from my pictures because I won't need it. It'll just be like.. a fun little hobby. I imagine that would make me very happy. I'd get pretty lonely so I'd have to have someone go with me. But I think I could be really happy doing that. Traveling all over, finding awesome stuff and taking pictures. Plus, I really wanna see lava. Not hard dried cooled lava... I wanna see flowing/exploding lava. And a tornado. Seriously I live in freaking Texas and I've never seen a tornado. Lame. Those are my goals in life, even if I never hit the lotto and get to do my risky travel photography stuffs, I want to see lava, and a tornado.

I want to see all 50 states too. Each state has something cool to offer, and I wanna see it. I'd like to travel outside the country too but being more realistic, I just wanna visit every state, at least once. I've already got several out of the way but... I wanna go again. Lol. Texas, Colorado, Washington, Wyoming, Kansas, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Illinois, Alaska, Nevada, New Mexico, and Arizona. According to mom I've been across the California line too, but I don't remember that. I also suppose by the reasoning of, I've been to Illinois and we were driving, I've probably been in Missouri too, but I don't remember so it doesn't count. Lol.

Anyway, that's that. I don't really have anything to say. I'm okay, for the most part. Nothing good to report, but nothing really bad either. I'm just.. here. But I need to get to work, so I'm gonna go.

Brandi

Mary, Mary quite contrary we're so bored until we're buried, and just like dust we settle in this town. On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go, where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down, this merry go 'round.

Kacey Musgraves - Merry Go 'Round

I'm having a hard time today. I stayed downstairs with Amber and them until they left because I never get to see them... but it took a lot to do it. I really just wanted to be alone all day. Even when mom got home. I watched TV with her for a bit, but I wanted to be upstairs alone... should have just sat upstairs alone... because now that I am alone, I feel worse. I don't wanna talk to anyone.. so every conversation I've had today has been incredibly short. I love my friends and family very much... but sometimes I wish it was just me... totally alone. Then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty about my thoughts.. or about how I feel. I'm lonely. and I realize it would be more lonely if it was like that... but maybe I wouldn't know what I was missing. I don't know. That didn't make sense.

It's so hot up here. Dwight said he was going to fix the toilet this weekend.. and I was hoping he'd put up my A/C.. but he didn't do either. Jason and Julie put up the screen door for me so I could leave the glass one open... but it fell off this morning. Window in my room doesn't open... the one in the bathroom is open but it's on the other side of the apartment and isn't doing me any good. I shit you not it's like 85 in here. I don't like it. Plus I've killed like 6 spiders in here today, and I haven't even been up here much. I wonder how many I haven't spotted yet. I need to fog up here... but I don't have anywhere for Puck to be while I do that. Also I don't want to have to wash ALL my dishes again.. I already did that once and it took forever.

I'm so fucking depressed today. I don't even know why. I just woke up feeling.. terrible. I want to cry, but I can't for some reason. I know I'd feel better, but the tears won't come. I'll probably just go to bed soon. I don't have anything else to do anyway and I don't wanna talk to anyone. I don't wanna go to work tomorrow either. I can't think of anything that'd make me feel better even.. like.. there's nothing I want. I just don't.. care? Everything just seems incredibly pointless. Totally withdrawing from everything seems like a good idea. Maybe I'll just stop talking to everyone for a while.

Brandi

When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide. Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide, it's where my demons hide.

Demons - Imagine Dragons

It's been a little while. I'm 26 now. Not a lot to report, I just need to say things and can't. I moved back in with my parents. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I did it just to be a dick... but I didn't. I couldn't afford it and there was very little holding me together. I was really slipping. I didn't have many options. I chose the one that would make me lose the least. Amber wanted me to move to Georgetown with her.. but that meant losing my job, and Heather and Jason. I'm not willing to give up either of them. This is the first time in literally YEARS I've had a social life... and I'm not giving it up if I can avoid it. They are what kept me going. They're still what's keeping me going.

Here's the thing. Since then, I've gotten a grip on myself. At least on the outside. On the inside I'm still screaming because I'm stuck. But I've gotten enough of a grip I'm pretty sure no one can see it. How much I'm really hurting.

There are other factors too but I just can't go there right now. Things no one will ever know. No one. Ever.

On the plus side, for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly how I'm feeling. I can pin point every emotion. I know what it is, and I know where it's coming from. Maybe that's how I got a grip. I don't know. But there's a lot going on in my head.

I'm angry, sad, and scared. But they're muted by something stronger... most of the time.

I don't need to be with you. You already provide me with most of what I need. You give me emotional support. You're my friend. You spend time with me. You don't ignore me. You hug me more than anyone else ever has. You play with me. Talk to me. And just that, is more than any other man has ever done for me. And I love you. Because you're good. Not just to me, but in general. I know you've been hurt. You're scared. And you probably don't even like me like that.. and it's okay. I don't see how anyone could have ever hurt you though, because you're everything that is good. You give me hope. Not so much with you, but just in general. You make things worth it. It hurts a little.. but not as much as you'd think. Sometimes more than other times but what can ya do, right? I didn't think you'd stick around me this long. Most people don't. But every time I think it's goodbye for good.. you prove me wrong... and I've stopped waiting for it. It's a bigger deal than you'd think. I feel safe when I'm with you. And I know you're never too far away when I need you, and sometimes I really do. And you're there. There are very few things I wish were different. And they're trivial things mostly. The fact of the matter is, even without BEING with you... you make my life better. And I know I probably don't do that for you... but you should know, it means more to me than you'll ever know. I didn't expect this. I didn't think I'd ever feel even close to this way for anyone. But at this point, the only thing I can hope for... is that you'll always be my friend because you mean the world to me. I feel better when you're around. You make me feel alive... and I've been dead for years. The funny part.. you make eye contact SO much.. and it scares me a little.. but mostly because it feels like you can... see into my soul, and I'm terrified of what you'll find there. And I know that you know I love you... but I'm afraid you'll see how much if I hold your eyes for too long. I'm afraid you'll see just how much power you have over me because you could destroy me in a second. I didn't mean to give you that much power... but I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't expecting you. I wasn't expecting to ever feel even a fraction of love ever again. I didn't know that I needed you, but I did.. and I do. And I'm so very glad to have met you... to be able to call you a friend. If that means I need to back off, or totally give up on any thought of you and I ever.. I will do my very best to try. Even though you do occasionally get on my nerves *winks*.. it's not bad though. I was surprised by it the first time.. but even that makes me smile. You're so much fun. I'm happy to feel alive. I'm happy to know you. You have no idea. And you probably never will. Which is probably a good thing. But I'm pretty sure you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You've saved me from myself, and there's no way I can ever repay you for that. You may not want my love.. but you'll always have it. In the best possible way I can give it without actually expressing any of it ever again. You told me you didn't trust yourself to be what I needed.. that I needed and deserved something good.. but what you don't know, is that you already are exactly what I need. You are good. For some reason, you don't seem to think that you are. But everyone that's ever hurt you, or made you feel like you weren't good, that you weren't enough, was catastrophically wrong. I don't deserve anyone as good as you. I deserve everything I've gotten from everyone else. Because I'M not good... but nothing would make me happier, than just knowing that you'd be happy. With whatever, who ever. Because you deserve something good. You deserve the very best.

Brandi

You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

I'm losing it. It's going to be really bad. I feel it coming. I don't know how to make it stop, I don't know when it's going to happen, but I feel it coming. Demons in the attic growling at me, things moving when they aren't.. and just this morning I watched a white tissue turn orange. I had it in my hand.. and it looked odd.. so I was just looking at it.. and it turned orange. All by itself. I don't know if I did it.. or what... but yeah. That's.... that's not good. I can't breathe... I can't concentrate, or pay attention to important things. People are talking but it doesn't make any sense. And every time I try to explain something to someone or need to get something done, and they don't understand I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry anyway. My brain won't shut up.. everything is too fast and I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything is foggy but there's too much of it. There's too much going on and I just.. I can't. I'm like one more thing from snapping completely. I can't sleep, or I sleep too much. I'm so tired but I wake up sweating like 230482934823 times a night and watch the shadows move around my room. What the hell is going on!? I've been shaking for days.. I feel... high? but not good high like... that cartoon.. with the coffee patches... like that only instead of happy high like she is it's... I can't handle anything everything is desperate. Like a rabid animal with juuuuust enough of their brain left to keep from totally snapping. but it's coming. There's just too much and all I wanna do is curl into a ball and everything just... go away. I just want it all to go away. I have to go to my 2nd job tonight.. and I don't even know how I'm handling the first one. I need it to stop... please someone make it stop. I'm scared and it hurts and I can't handle it. :(

Brandi

Don't you see? Don't you see? That the charade is over. And all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday.

Dashboard Confessional - Best Deceptions

I... I'm broken. I should have taken my own advice. I knew how this was going to go. I knew what was going to happen. But is that why? Because I was negative and "predicted" what would happen and made it that way just because I'm so negative? No, I don't think so. This was always how it was going to be. You'd think I would have been more prepared for it. Because that's just how it works. Every time. This is only the 2nd time it's been so intense though. Maybe that's what makes it worse.

I wish I could be more like a guy. Every guy I've met recently.. they're so guarded. So unwilling to let anything hurt them. Their hearts are clad in steel cages, nothing will get through. Why can't I do that? Why am I always so willing to let things happen? Why do I keep letting things hurt me? I have about a 30 second guard.. and once I decide I like something, all bets are off... my heart is like a raw exposed nerve and I'm just setting myself up. I keep coming back for more. As if once wasn't enough. How could I let this happen again? And at this point I'm not even sure what hurts more... that it happened again, or that I let it go far enough to hurt this much. I'm so insanely naive. I should have taken the words to heart and disregarded everything else. It hurt but not this much. Because this time I need to accept it's the end and move on with my life. I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of having to do this crap. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna work two jobs to just barely survive. I don't wanna be in love. I don't wanna exist. What am I even doing??? I don't even know why I bother with about 99% of the shit I do. I'm never going to be happy... I mean seriously. When have I ever been before? What is the point of going through all of this? I'm not learning anything, clearly. What good could possibly come from this? What good has come from ANYTHING I've had to deal with this far? I need to just accept that I'm stupid, and stop making my own decisions. I mean.. I try not to make my own decisions anyway, but it's mostly the little stuff I let other people decide for me, and ultimately I still go off whatever I think... I just like opinions. But I think from now on.. I should give other people total control of my life, because apparently I'm not doing it right. Or maybe I'll kill myself. I'm running out of reasons not to, and at this point I don't even care if it hurts. I'm so tired.

I've been sick for like a week too. Coughing so much my back is killing me. Maybe it'll turn into pneumonia and I won't have to do anything. Maybe I can get sick and die. :(

Loving you, isn't the right thing to do. How can I ever change things that I feel? If I could maybe I'd give you my world. How can I? When you won't take it from me.

You Can Go Your Own Way (Originally Fleetwood Mac) Covered by Lissie.

You ever have something... and you know you need to let it go. You know you should give up and get on with your life... but you can't? Because what if you do... and then things change, and you can't go back because you're so fucked in the head that once you give up on something, it's totally gone. Or maybe whatever it is, isn't letting you fully give up, but you don't have it in you to verbalize that. Because you don't want it to go. Because it's what's making life worth living at the moment. And you know that it's wrong, and it's hurting you... but it also makes you feel alive. Sometimes that's what the pain does. Sometimes it's debilitating and awful... and other times it makes you feel alive and is what keeps you going. What if letting go means hating the thing you care about so much right now. Because it's the only way TO let go... because you haven't found another way to do it yet. What if you can't hate it. What if you're in love with it. What if it keeps doing and saying things that give you hope, and part of you believes things will change... but the logical part of you is saying you need to just let go, because you're reading too far into things again and setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain that can be handled. Your brain keeps screaming to stop because you can't do this... but your heart skips when you see him and then beats faster. The heart takes over... and when he's around... the rest of the world is gone. Nothing matters. All the things that bother you and stress you out, melt away when he looks into your eyes. Everything just... stops. Just like you need to.

So I got a 2nd job. I start tomorrow night. It's 11pm -7am 2 to 3 nights a week. Good times. That's going to seriously mess with my sleeping schedule. That means, 11pm to 7am I'm at work, then I go home, and get ready for 9am to 2pm work, then sleep from about 2pm to 9pm, and get ready for work. I think my working out time just lost a lot of time. And that sucks. Have I mentioned how much I REALLY don't want to do this? Well, I don't. I like my one job. I don't want another one. But I don't have a choice, much like most things.

I suddenly want a beer. That's so weird... I don't even like beer. Meh, whatever. I don't have anything else to say lol. See ya.

Brandi

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet in the halls. It comes awake and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end! I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Skillet - Monster

I hate the way my mind works...

I wish I could just forget the things I want to forget. Sometimes I think about that movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. if you could erase someone completely from your memory... would you want to? Yes.  I think I would. On the other hand I'm some-what convinced I'm addicted to misery. So maybe I wouldn't because on some sick masochistic level I like feeling like this. I like beating myself up mentally and telling myself I'm nothing so why would someone like him ever want anything to do with me? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? Maybe I like knowing he feels nothing for me, because I like how it feels to feel like nothing. That's really stupid though, isn't it. I don't care. I hate the way my mind works. It's so twisted and backwards and... negative. So very negative. I don't even really understand my fascination with him. None of it even matters. I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again, and maybe it's for the best.  Because this isn't healthy. And it isn't right.. and it's killing me inside. I know I'll be okay in a few days with no contact.. but right now.. I just feel... destroyed. I wish he felt anything for me. :( I wish I didn't feel so... gone.

On a higher note.. I've been exorcising like a crazy person. And watching what I eat of course. I do stretching/elliptical first thing in the morning.. then during the week, I shower and go to work, come home, go to the track with Heather for 3 miles of walking/running/bleachers come home, relax for a bit then back on the elliptical. The weekend is the same except the work part, and I may sub out the afternoon elliptical for something else depending on how I feel. Hopefully getting a bicycle soon. That'll be fun.. then we'll be riding bikes out at Thousand Trails instead of walking/running/bleachers at the track.. which gets boring.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel like total hell emotionally. I need to go.

Memories are debilitating.. even the good ones can crush through you like a high speed train only to leave you this mangled mess of crippling emotion...sometimes even the good ones are worse than the bad..

Not lyrics this time.. that's all me..

I was laying in bed a little while ago thinking about the past.. but not the bad past... the good past. I don't understand why memories are so painful. Even the good ones.. I feel worse than if I'd been thinking about the bad ones. Simple memories even.. sitting in my room playing Frogger on my computer listening to Taking Back Sunday.. the way my room looked, the house we lived in.. going to Waco with Becky and Chris... Sitting in the hall before school with my friends... Passing notes in study hall... talking on the phone (which is something I LOATH doing now..) I hated high school. Hated it. and I don't miss it at all. But those things... I miss those things. I miss my friends. I miss the simplicity of being a teenager, even though even then it was filled with possibly more psychoticness than my adult life is. I don't remember really.. I remember a lot of doctors.. a lot of medication.. and a lot of pain. But the good memories, the things mentioned above.. those are the things that made it all worth it so WHY does it hurt so much right now thinking about it? I feel like I'm being crushed.. like I can't breathe. My life is so empty now. Dead end job, no money, I rarely see any of my friends, several of which live really far away, some that aren't even friends anymore.. I just sit here in my room on my computer doing nothing, or playing a game, or sleeping... alone. What is the point of my life? I'm not going anywhere, things are really only getting worse.. I'm 25 and divorced, I can't have kids and even if I could, I can't afford myself much less anyone else.. I'm not going anywhere. What is the point? My existence isn't doing anyone any good especially not me. I hurt.. a LOT. And there isn't really any reason in it.. or for it.. And the worse part about all of it? I don't even WANT to do anything. I don't want to have to go get a second job.. I don't want to go to school.. I want this all to be over because I'm tired of having to fight for everything. It's all always been a huge fucking fight and I don't have anything left anymore to fight for. I don't have anything left to fight WITH. Please.. please don't make me do this anymore. I just can't.