I'll never catch a shooting star, or call you out on who you really are. I know I'm not the one you wanna win, It's a losing game, so I'm losing it. And I'm surprised we got this far with that barricade, but I want more. I would be a fool to let you let me quit.

Cady Groves - Real With Me

It's raining today. I love the rain. I say that, I've slept all day. Like literally all day. I got up about 9am, went back to bed about 11, slept til 2:15, got back up until ... 5? And then slept til 8. I'm still tired. I could totally sleep more. But I don't know if it's the rain, or if I'm sad, or just tired. Maybe it's a combination of both. Who knows. I woke up this last time because Puck got up on my desk and laid on the keyboard, which was making my computer beep all kinds of loud. I had a lot of really weird screens to close when I got up. So before my last nap I watched this video a friend sent me... it was weird. And then after the last one I went for a drive. I wanted to drive more, but I left without enough cigarettes, oops. Oh well I guess. I probably shouldn't be wasting my gas anyway, but I'm so tired of sitting at the house.

So I think I've kept a pretty good hold on my emotions lately. I'm not 100% sure on that honestly, It feels like it to me, but I suppose you'd have to ask the people I talk to regularly. They might feel differently, who knows.

On a more positive and exciting note, HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!! <3
I realize it's only August... but the dollar store has their Halloween stuff out. I saw it a few days ago and almost had a seizure in the isle. haha. I love Halloween so much.

So on top of it raining today, the temperature was also at normal, nice proportions. I don't think it even hit 80 today and that is fucking fantastic. It's about 70 out right now. It makes it feel like fall is finally coming. I love fall so much. I know this won't last though, It's going to get hot again. This is Texas after all. It's weird though, I really love the rain, and the cool weather, and I love fall SO much it's unreal... so why do the things that I love make me so sad? Because I am. I'm trying so hard to be positive and happy right now, but I don't feel it. And it's like that every year. As soon as fall gets close, I start getting sadder than normal. It doesn't make any sense. How can something I love so much, make me so sad? I don't know, maybe it's just because I haven't had my brain vitamin in a few days.

I got sick. Mom's stomach bug or whatever. That was pretty awful. I'm better now, but I skipped my vitamins for a few days because of it. Which I suppose means I'm more susceptible to my crazy peeking it's ugly head out and ruining every ones lives. haha.

Oh!!! I filed for divorce! I have court October 15th to finalize. Cross your fingers I didn't do anything wrong and it doesn't get thrown out. lol

Also demons... everyone talking to me lately about demons is kind of freaking me out. And on that note, I'm gonna go. Have fun! Hope everyone else had a nice cool day like we did.

Brandi

Fragment ideas and too many pronouns. Stop it, come on, you're not making sense now. You can't make them want you they're all just laughing.

Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves at New Jersey

Today sucked to epic proportions. It's still early, I'm sure it'll get worse. I haven't taken it out on anyone yet though, so that's good I guess. And I went shopping, that made me feel better while I was doing it... and then I was driving home and the tears came back... and they've been off and on since I got home.

So, on to what happened.

I got paid Monday, but it wasn't right. I'm terrible at math, but fuck with my paycheck even a cent and I'm going to notice and freak out. Well this was $100 dollars off from what I thought it was going to be. Not cool, I needed that money. I stayed pretty calm, waited until I found out what happened before I started freaking out. So the lady that does my paycheck finally calls me back today. Apparently, my "raise" was not to $10 an hour like I thought. They switched me to salary without telling me. $1000 a month. Which is all well and good, except for some months, I made more than that. For instance, this month, August, if I was still being paid how I was, I would have made $1035. But nope, I'm losing that $35. So when I found out I was not getting the rest of my check... I started freaking out. I left work for about half an hour to go see mom at her job, and be hysterical. She gave me some money to do what I needed to do (and now I feel like shit), in exchange for me doing certain chores once a week all month. So I go back to work, intending to confront them, and then leave for the day. My boss was in a meeting, so I waited.... glaring at my desk, fighting back tears... for two hours. Finally by the time I get to talk to them, there's like 20 minutes left in my day. I explained the situation, they said they'd fix it. Whatever.

So then I went over to Hillsboro, got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and a bottle of perfume. That made me feel better, then I cried all the way home. On top of all that, guys. I'd rather not elaborate on that part...but it hurt. Both counts. So there's that to add to my already craptastic day.

Oh but that still isn't all of it. So I'm sitting here on the computer when I got home... being upset over the guy portion of my day, since there's really no use in being upset about the job part.... they both leave... and then my mom. I guess she absorbed my mood because she's all tears and shit too, which in turn made me cry, yet again, while trying to make HER feel better. My head hurts.

Then there's my friend (who's a girl) texting me asking if I want to sleep with this one asshole guy. I've told her for days no, HELL NO. In fact, when he asked her to ask me the first day I told her to tell him, "Not if you were the last man on earth, I'd rather fuck a cactus." and yet he still asks. Insanity. She texts me today all "why not? I know he was a dick before but blah blah blah." NO. I'm not like that anymore! I am sick of people treating me like shit! I'm sick of guys using me, and then being assholes. Why can't people just be fucking nice to me?! She's literally still arguing with me about it. What part of 'not gonna happen ever' is she not getting??? I really can't take much more of this day.

So I'm considering trying to get ahead on my car payments and just moving to Georgetown and hope I get a job quickly. I'm also considering taking Friday off, and driving down there Thursday night and spending Friday looking for a job, but it all seems kind of pointless. Not to mention, if something goes wrong then I'm really screwed.. and something will go wrong, because it always does.

I feel so incredibly alone. I probably should go to Georgetown this weekend regardless... simply because I'm desperate for human interaction. And I do miss my sister. On the other hand I feel like shit and the likely hood that I'll feel better by this weekend is slim to none. Something pretty awesome would have to happen, and I'm gonna doubt it.

Oh, I dyed my hair. Well, part of it. I got a color as close to my natural color as possible, and dyed the difference. Which means the top like 5 inches of my hair are still natural.. the rest is close. Then tomorrow mom is going to low light it for me. Should be good. 

Anyway, I don't have anything else to bitch about really, since that's pretty much all this ever is anymore. I hate my life. <3

Brandi