8MM - Everybody Says
I agreed to try to be his friend. The pain was unbearable, until I agreed to that. It's bearable now, but it still hurts like hell. But now I have to hide it. I have to pretend everything is okay. I have to be....positive.. and pretend my heart isn't still broken. It's unreasonable. Asking me to be positive, right now, is unreasonable. Expecting me to be able to function, and smile, and all that BS, is unreasonable. But I'm doing it. Because who gives a shit about my feelings, right? Sometimes I wish I was all alone. If you're alone, you don't have to please anyone. Don't have to suffer to make them happy. Don't have to lie, and say you're okay when it still feels like your chest is now an empty cave where your heart used to be. But, it's bearable. That's really all I asked for. I didn't expect the pain to go away, I just wanted it to get to a point I could handle it. And it is, so I guess I should be happy about that.
You know what I don't understand? I keep hearing how negative I am, how hard on myself. And yeah, I guess I am... but I used to be WAY worse. I'm not trying to kill myself every other week... That's an improvement. I don't even think about it as much.. I mean I still do, but not NEAR as often, and I don't act on it. That has to count for something. I am at least ABLE to say positive things about myself, that's more than I used to be able to do... I can think at least slightly more rationally than I used to. But does any of this count? No. I'm still "too negative" "too hard on myself". I have been trying. Harder than you can imagine, to change. I know people don't want to hear how miserable I am. I know it's tiring. I really try not to talk about it. I do. But sometimes, I just have to. Like now. I think I have every right to be miserable right now. My heart was ripped out through my ass... I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to be negative, and I'm allowed to wonder what I did. I'm allowed to think I deserved it. But am I getting understanding? No. I'm basically being told to get over it, and think of the bright side. What bright side? What do I POSSIBLY have to be positive about? Yeah, I'm in a better place than I have been in a long time. Okay. I like my job, it's comfortable, and safe... I'm hesitant to find something else because I KNOW I can do this job. I can handle it. I know no one will understand, but there is a limit to what I can handle. If I don't have enough time to myself... things get bad. I get overwhelmed. I start freaking out. Then I suddenly quit the job, lose everything, and spend X amount of time trying to off myself because I've ruined my life. I'm comfortable, right now. Life wise, anyway. I have a decent job, that I like. I have my own car. I'm paying my bills without too much struggle. I have never been in a better place than I am right now, in those departments. Yeah, I don't have a lot of money to spend on stupid frivolous things, but that's okay. Socially? well.. I don't really like to socialize anyway, so that isn't so bad. I like being alone. But I really love Jason. So all of that good stuff, is really nothing to me, without him. It feels pointless. I don't know what to do now. We're friends... awesome. So you know, when he finds someone else, I'll get to be heartbroken all over again. Sounds fun. Can't wait. And then there's me. At some point I'll have to try to move on... but why? The thought of being with anyone else... literally makes me feel sick. I had a nightmare about it, even. So what am I supposed to do? No, that isn't the question. The question is what do I know I WILL do? I'm going to sit by, and watch him live his life, and move on, without me. Wait for the day he finds the girl he really loves. Lose him as even a friend. Be heart broken all over again. And probably be alone the rest of my life because, I really don't want to go through this again, and I hate meeting new people. I don't want anyone else. Maybe someday I'll be okay with it, the being alone. Maybe I'll get another cat. Maybe I won't need to be his friend long, and I'll be able to just cut everyone out all together. Maybe I'll find a way to be completely alone without it hurting. I have a lot of things ahead of me, to distract. That'll be nice. In the mean time, I get to pretend i'm okay. Fake positivity and self confidence until everyone gets off my back about it. I'm not even sure why I spend so much time trying to please everyone else. I don't think I'm that bad. I know that I can be, but I think for the most part, I'm not that bad. Maybe I should just kill myself. I won't. But I want to. But, instead, I'm going to get back on anti depressants. Ride that super fun roller coaster of BS for a few months until they find one that doesn't make everything 100 times worse, and go from there. Maybe someday I'll feel better Maybe someday everything won't be so painful and hard. Maybe someday I won't have to fake positivity and it'll just be part of who I am. Someone unrecognizable, since apparently who I am isn't good enough.
I don't have anything else to say. I'm sorry this post was so "negative" and.. you know... me. But if I can't be honest here... what's the point.
Brandi
