The Outfield - Your Love
(I painted that. I know. I'm awesome.)
Do you have any idea, what it's like to have to keep repeating; "It's okay, it's alright, everything is going to be alright..please, just stop..make it stop.." over and over and over again in your head, knowing damn well and good it's not going to do ANYTHING to make you feel any better? But you keep trying because what the hell else are you supposed to do? I feel really really bad today. Like there is this giant GIANT wad of something stuck in my chest, and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and it's making it hard to breathe, and I feel like whatever it is, is going to come bursting out of my chest. It hurts. I don't know whether to hyperventilate, cry, rip all my hair out, or all three. I can't stop shaking. I'm trying so hard to keep myself in check, I'm shaking.
You know on Office Space, when dude asks other dude if you had a million dollars, what would you do? And he says "Nothing". That's how I feel too. I want to do nothing. I want to be alone. I want the phone to stop ringing. I want people to stop making me do things. I want my apartment to be left alone.. I just want it all to stop. I just want to sit on my couch and watch tv, or play my games, and just be left alone. I can't deal with this crap. The sound of peoples voices are just grating on me, and the phone....god the sound of the phone... if phones had a throat, I'd strangle them. To death. I would strangle the life from the phone. And anything else that makes annoying noises and therefore makes me do things. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't even want to be awake. UGH.
So I cried myself to sleep last night. And it's amazing to me, that the same phrase runs through my mind, that doesn't make any damn sense at all. And I can't understand WHY that particular thing goes through my mind... but it does, over and over and over until I'm actually saying it out loud while crying.. "I wanna go home." How can I wanna go home when I AM home? That doesn't make any damn sense. Even still, I hate crying like that. It's physically painful, like my heart is caving in on itself. It's... soul crushing sadness. It feels like my soul is dying. As dramatic as that sounds.
It's only the middle of February, but this year has been spectacularly bad already. January 1st, Jason and I broke up. My short term memory is TERRIBLE... like "'can't remember if I unlocked the door, so I check it, then have to check it again because I can't remember if I checked it.' kind of terrible. Oh but then there's more. I got the results from the tests my doctor did back in November. Turns out, I'm not in great shape. My cholesterol is really bad. I'm extremely vitamin D deficient, there's a problem with my heart, and my carotid arteries are too thick, so they want to do a more in depth ultrasound to make sure there's no real blockage. They gave me a copy of my results and in big red letters it says "extremely high stress levels", and I'm at 300% risk for heart attack or stroke for my age. Awesome. Can we like.. hurry that up a bit? Cuz I'm tired of life. Anyway, basically my diet had to change, or I'll die. So I'm eating better.... though idk why I'm bothering. Oh and I'm on 10 tons of vitamins now too.
Had to cut my hair. Was super damaged and breaking off and felt awful. She cut like 6 inches off. Which wouldn't have been a big deal, because I got extensions... buuut they don't work because she didn't layer it like I told her to, and I can't get it cut again because it's already shorter than I'm comfortable with. -_-.
It's way too loud in my head, and I can't make it stop. I'm so tired and it just won't shut up. I've started seeing things again. That's when I know I'm REALLY stressed out. Heh. Oh and that's the other thing.. I'm supposed to be keeping my stress down, because of my heart... that's working out really well for me so far. Oh well I guess. At least if I'm dead, everything will be quiet. And I can finally get some peace. I wonder what'll happen to Puck?.. and my car? For the record, I'd rather be buried than cremated.. but if the parents are insistent on cremation, I want to be a tree. There is a biodegradable urn, that has a tree seed in it, and you plant that, and it grows into a tree through your ashes. That's what I want if I can't be buried. I've always liked trees. I wanna be a good tree though, like, one that turns pretty colors in the fall, not some lame ass puny tree. Also, I demand there is a 72 hour wait before I'm buried OR cremated, because I'm convinced you can still feel after you die. At least for a little while.. and I'm claustrophobic, and I don't want to feel the burning. Sooo yeah. You know, the brain isn't completely dead for 72 hours. There have been studies. Don't judge me. You know... I want to die because I want everything to go away... but you know what else would make things go away? Money. If I had lots and lots of money, I could just leave for a while. I want to have enough to not have to work anymore, and then I'd just drive for a while. Go see things, alone.. and it'd be great I think. I need to get away from everything. I need silence. There is never any silence. :(
This is why he doesn't love me. I'm fat, and I can't get a grip on my head. It's all messed up in here and he knows it. It's too much. I can't blame him for that. If I could get away from me, I would most of the time too. What I don't understand though, is why he'd even want me in his life at all. It isn't just me that can't let go.. he doesn't want me gone either. But I don't know why. I can't let him go. It can't be gone.. I can't handle that. And I don't wanna meet anyone new because god forbid I form an attachment to someone else, then have to go through this same crap all over again. No. I'd rather just be alone. I very much dislike my life. It's really painful. I heard this thing once.. you know how different people have different theories about where humans come from, where we go and what not.. well I heard once that there are some people who think that you plan out your life before you're born, every little detail of it. If that is the case (which I doubt).. I must have realllly hated myself even before because why would ANYONE choose my life?! In fact, I wonder if anyone would choose their life? I don't know. This is stupid. I'm done.
Brandi
