Trust Company - Downfall
I'm feeling especially bummed out today. I really didn't wanna get out of bed at all... I got up at like 10:30 but only stayed up til about 11, then went back to bed til something like 3:30. I don't know what's wrong. Today I just want it all to be over. I think I was angry when I went to bed, but I don't remember why.
My life feels so empty. I don't know how to fix it. Work, sleep, therapy, facebook... that seems like it's all I do and honestly that's usually enough. I don't like having a lot to do, that makes it easier to get frustrated and angry. Mostly because nothing ever works out like I hope it will. My life is disappointing, and I feel trapped in it. I feel trapped in my head. Pretending to give a damn about anything people around me say...that's what it feels like. Being around other people makes me feel like I have to pretend to care, when I really don't. Why should I? Don't get me wrong it isn't like that with everyone. Generally online I care. But I don't see those people everyday, and most of them I don't even talk to everyday. It's easier to care when I don't have to be right there in it.
Jon came home last night, all excited because he "almost died." Apparently driving home, he was taking a back road, and was driving a little slower than usual because there was a car in front of him. A meteor fell from the sky and just barely missed the car. He said if he'd been going any faster it would have gone through the passenger window and hit him. He said it hit the ground close enough to spray dirt and rocks onto the car. That sounds exciting right? I should be worried because he could have died. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't. So who cares. That's bad right? I should care more, should I?
I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm more than one person. I'm who I have to be in public, I'm who I have to be around certain people, and then there's who I am when I'm alone. And who I am when I'm alone, is cold, and kind of heartless. But does that mean I'm necessarily faking it around other people? I don't know I think sometimes I do genuinely care, but I don't think it happens very often. People suck. They're evil. I think I may have just adapted to that over the years.
I made a new friend. He's nice. I care. Genuinely care. But I'm afraid. I'll fuck it up eventually, I always do, and it scares me to know that's how it's going to play out. That's how it usually plays out. But for now, he kinda makes me feel better. He's so optimistic and positive...and enthusiastic. It's nice.
I really hate always waiting for the bottom to fall out... but God it just... ALWAYS does! You know? and on the VERY rare occasions it doesn't, well that's a nice relief but even relief doesn't last long. Nothing lasts long except the bad stuff. I hate it. I really really do. I hate everything and I don't know how not to... I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to fix anything, I don't know how to feel better, I don't know how to be motivated....I don't know how to care. And I have nothing more to say.
Brandi Evans
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I will not confuse this with something true. Only that what gets us through. And I wonder down the line, when both of us are fine. Yeah, my mind wanders there sometimes.
Lie To Me - Greg Laswell
So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?
Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.
I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.
Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.
My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.
I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.
Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing, I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya
Brandi
So, it's been awhile, I apologize. I just haven't really had anything to say. I still really don't but eh. I've stuck with therapy. I'm still in group too even but that'll be ending soon I think. People at work have started questioning how much longer I'll be doing that, and since they've been so good about it I think it's about come to an end. I don't think I'm getting much from group anymore anyway.. and I know I don't help the others any. That isn't me being negative, that right there is reality. They're all so much older than me, what advice could I possibly offer?
Anyway, Steve (therapist) is still great, I have gotten mad at him a few times but nothing major, and I doubt it was even really him I was mad at.
I've kicked Jon out about 20 times since I wrote last. And yes, he did deserve it every single time. But somehow he manipulates me into letting him come back. The last few times I've tried to kick him out, he just wouldn't go. I am about at the end though. There is only so much one person can take and I have gone way past my limit with him, but here's to weakness.
Other than that, I think I'm doing better. I've really only been freaking out when there is a reason to, (that does not count being sensitive) and granted I do still blow it way out of proportion, that's better than for nothing. I still feel pretty crappy most of the time, but I'm getting better at keeping it to myself, or burying it even from me.
I've been off the meds for a while. I did get a new one but it was just as bad if not worse than the first, so I stopped them. It made things way worse for about two weeks but then it seemed to level out a bit.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things bothering me at the moment, but they aren't psychosomatic. It's all real life stuff. I'm frustrated beyond all reason, but there isn't really anything I can do about it that I'm not already doing. I NEED to get moved out of my parents house... But I can't. I need a new car, but that has to wait. I need more money, so I'm looking for another job. That's easier said than done. I need Jon to pay off his ticket.. but he hasn't. I need him to start acting like a husband and a responsible adult, but he won't, and there isn't anything I can do about that either. All I can really do is try my best to fix my situation and help me. If he isn't willing to step up and help me get us out of this situation, then he will be sorely disappointed when I pull myself out and leave him in the dust.
My mother always told us we should never rely on anyone for anything especially men, because they will always disappoint. And we don't need a man to take care of us. Well, she was right. I'm coming to find that men are useless. I have never dated/married, any guy who was really useful at all. I mean... none of them helped financially, emotionally, or anything really. I've really always had to do everything myself. Even Jon and Is wedding.... I paid for the whole thing, aside from Tux's.. and my sisters bought their bridesmaid dresses. I should have taken that as a hint that all Jon would ever really be good for financially is the occasional meal or meaningless gift. I still don't even have a wedding ring and we've been married almost a year and a half. And as for emotional support, he thinks telling me "I know you're crazy.." is emotional support.
I'm sorry I shouldn't be whining about all that. It's my problem. But I can tell you one thing. I will never get married again. When Jon and Is marriage fails, that's it for me. I'll fix everything and when I'm rich I'll adopt a child. Because that's the only way I'll ever have kids I'm sure. This is assuming anyone would give me a child. But I'm hoping my inevitable stability (that will happen eventually) will help further pull me from my psychosis and everything will be okay and I can either have children of my own, or adopt. I'd be an amazing mother I bet.
Anyway, now that I've whined about absolutely nothing, I think I'll go. I have group in the morning and yeah. I'll try not to wait 3 months before I write again. Cya
Brandi
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