I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need. I'll love you more with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do

Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply

So, where to start. Lol. I'll start with the bad first because there isn't so much but it is just.. horrifying.

For one, I'm sick. Pretty sure it's bronchitis. Could be pneumonia.. I've never had pneumonia, and this doesn't really feel the same as bronchitis. My lungs feel like they're full of cement, and I'm just.. fucking exhausted and my back feels like someone been beating on me with a crowbar. Also, I noticed this afternoon that my toenails and fingernails are.. grayish. Lol I asked mom about it she goes "you aren't getting enough air, that's why you're so tired too." Sadly though, that is NOT the worst news.

Do you recall, about this time last year.. I mentioned having surgery? Yeah... well here's a little refresher. I'd gotten like a.. abscess in my underarm. It got to about the size of a baseball and I couldn't put my arm down. I had a fever, couldn't stay awake, hurt to move... Finally mom MADE me go to the ER despite my protesting, where they informed me that I'd almost waited too long. It was too close to my heart to have waited so long, I was going septic (which for those of you who don't know, that means that infection was getting into my blood stream and I was essentially poisoning myself to death.). They cut it open, which fucking HURT... filled me full of antibiotics and packed it full of gauze. Told me to come back next day. Infection wasn't improved, and my fever was worse, so they pulled out the gauze, drained it some more, and shot me full of more antibiotics.. a really painful one.. in the ass... and it fucking reeked. lol and I finally started getting better. Well, I just realized? I'm getting another one. I nearly had a panic attack when I noticed it. So, I cut it open myself, got as much out as I could, and then doused it with alcohol. This should be fun.

Buuuut on to more positive things. So I did something, A little manipulative. And kind of crazy. Lol I didn't think it'd work.. but it did much to my gleeful surprise! lol. I offered Jason a "trial relationship" From May 2, to June 2. If on June 2 he decides being with me is awful or he's bored or whatever, he can break up with me and I'll drop it altogether. If he decides to stay with me, same offer applies, if at any time he wants to break up, he can, and I'll let it go. Who the hell thought he'd actually agree to that?!?! but he did. =D He's probably gonna dump my ass on June 2nd... lol but at least I have the month. And maybe.. hopefully.. he won't. He's muh boyfriend =D hehehehehehehe.

So this weekend, he took me to see Iron Man 3, and we ate at Fudruckers. It was a lot of fun. Hit up Hastings and Hobby Lobby too. He didn't like Iron Man because "the villian was just as bad as bane in the new Batman, and it didn't follow the comic... my fanboy is curled up crying right now." Lol.. He's so cute when movies stress him out. And he spent the night again, which is always guaranteed to make me very happy. He's awesome to sleep with. He did hog the covers this time, but it's okay because I have a spare I usually cuddle with lol, so I just pulled it over me when I got cold and snuggled closer to him.. he's like a furnace. lol. But oh man it's... perfection. He holds me so tight. Just wish he'd kiss me more. And he doesn't like hand holding.. which makes me a little sad, but I can live without the hand holding. The sex is fucking amazing. Lol.

All in all, I'm in a much better mood than I have any right to be considering I'm sick and have another one of those things. Maybe it won't get bad this time though. I'll just watch it really carefully and what-not. Or maybe I got it because I'm sick. Who knows. I've also been on my period for 7 fucking days to add insult to injury. But no cramps luckily, so it's more annoying than anything. See? In a much better mood than I have any right to be. But I am exhausted. I've been awake for like two hours and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. So I think it's time for bed here pretty quick. Hope y'all are doing good too. :)

Brandi

What's it gonna be 'cuz I can't pretend. Don't you want to be more than friends? Hold me tight and don't let go. Don't let go, you have the right to lose control. Don't let go. I often tell myself that we could be more than just friends. I know you think that if we move too soon it would all end. I live in misery when you're not around.

En Vogue - Don't Let Go

I'm too indecisive. I change my mind too often. It's not that I mean to, just my feelings change constantly. What I feel in regards to something one day, can be the total opposite the next. I hate it. I'm sure it frustrates the hell out of everyone else too but I don't know how to control it. I don't know how to just.. be okay with something when I'm not okay with it.. even if I was okay with it before. Wanna guess where this is going? *sighs*.

You ever ask a question you KNOW you don't want the answer to? I did that. Knowing full well the answer could potentially really upset me. And I thought I was prepared for it. But I threw up. That's how much it got to me. Which is ridiculous. I do not have the right to be upset about it. Not even a little. But I was. I am. To the point even, I think I know what needs to be done. I considered pulling ultimatums. But that isn't a good idea. Instead I'm going to do something less painful, less damaging... but probably much much harder. It's going to take a lot of will power. And it's still really going to hurt. But I think I'm upset enough to pull it off. At least for a while. As we all know, I don't really stay mad at people for long unless it's a serious offence... or a repetitive one. And like I said, I don't have the right to be upset about this. But I quit. I'm gonna just not talk to him for a while. No matter what. Even if he asks me a direct question. Unless it's something regarding being with me, I need to be gone to him for a while. I need to try to get over him because although he's amazing and wonderful and I want him in my life together or not... I need to try to stop because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying to be patient. I'm not a patient person. This has gone on for way too long. Every time I think progress is being made.. I have to go ask a stupid fucking question that shows me that.. no.. probably no progress is being made. You're stupid and making shit up to make yourself feel better and all it's doing is hurting you more. Good job, Brandi. Excellent. Be with me, or don't. I can't do both ways anymore. I can't do this in between crap because it's confusing and it hurts. And since he doesn't want to be with me, and he likes being single so much... fine. But you're completely single. Because I'm out. I hope it was worth it.

Brandi