Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

I feel like I'm losing control of everything. I feel so helpless. I did most of this to myself. I think. I'm really not sure. If I hadn't gotten all curious and crazy, I wouldn't know certain upsetting things. If I hadn't rocked the boat with Jason I'd still be silently upset. If I hadn't HAD to get another cat, I wouldn't have ringworm. But I did get another cat. I did complain to Jason about things that bother me... and in turn found out he still doesn't even know if he even wants to be with me...5 months later. Awesome. My best friend is moving, which is going to leave me with no one to hang out with, asside from Jason, whose probably going to leave me. I have another one of those things under my arm and a fever.. what's next? Jason gonna decide he DOESN'T want to be with me? Honestly won't shock me at all.. i'm just waiting for it now. But after that? What else? Since everything is going to hell, I'm sure it's not over. I have a girl doctor appointment tomorrow... what's she gonna tell me? Cancer? Pregnant? Wasting money on nothing? Probably the latter. I'm seriously about to lose my shit. I don't understand. Is it because I was actually feeling better for a while? What? Does my relative happiness throw the world off balance? Correcting yourself are you, world!? Haven't I been through enough? I don't feel 26. 26 feels like it's too young. I have too much time left, and I don't want it. I'm tired. I should just do what I do best. Push everyone as far away from me as I can, and just.. be. There's nothing else I can do. And letting people close to me always ends up badly, I do this to myself, I really do. I know better. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know what to do now. Everything is gonna be gone, and then what? Once again I lose everything that matters to me? I deserve this. I really do.

Try to wash your soul, as clean as it can be. And still, you come away feeling dirty. Cuz it's in your blood like mississippi mud, it's very hard, very hard to get through.

Fatherless Son - Jeremy Kay

I don't have a picture today. I don't feel like looking for one. I've been reasonably happy for the past few months. I need to remember that. I'm starting to forget what it felt like. I don't even know why, but I feel like i'm sinking back into that black hole I've been living in for years. I feel so empty and alone, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't have a good enough reason to be feeling this bad, but I just do. It's really lonely in my head. I'm so tired all the time. And it's not like "oh I'm sad, I could sleep." No, I am totally exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I ate a can of spinach today to rule out iron deficiency... plus I've had meat everyday this week. I did run out of my vitamins but not until yesterday and this total exhaustion has been a while now. I'm so depressed. It's too early in the year for this. I was expecting it to come back in the fall/winter.. but it's still summer. It hasn't been cloudy. In fact I wish it would rain, and cool down. Jason is still great, but I feel like I can't even talk to him. Not about anything that really matters to me. Not about how I'm feeling. Not really. And I don't want him to know just how bad this is. I don't wanna know how bad this is. But it might be pretty bad. The SUPER bad thoughts.. they stopped for a while. It was nice. But now they're back, with a vengeance. Like "Hah! you thought you got rid of me!? Silly girl...watch this..". It'd be nice if I knew why. I mean, I know I'm feeling lonely, but there are ways around loneliness... I just don't have it in me. I'm so tired.

Heather is moving to Michigan on the 20th. I'm sad about it, but I told her she should go. It'll be good for her. There isn't anything here...for anyone. If she has a chance to get out, she should take it. I don't know what the hell she's going to find in Michigan.. but I hope it's something great. and sometimes a change of scenery is all that's really needed to pick yourself up again. Though it never worked for me.. she's never been as pessimistic as I am. I really hope that's what she needs to straighten her life out. I think I've pretty much given up on mine. There's no fixing it. I fought like hell for so long, I just don't have it any me anymore to even try. I tried and tried to change things, but nothing ever really changes for me. Not really. Not enough to make much of a difference. It's all still there. Beating me down. I know if I'd go to school I could at least get  a higher paying job, but I just really don't want to. And other than that, I don't have many other options. I'm a total loser and I always will be because I have zero ambition, and even when I do have a shred of ambition it never lasts long enough for me to actually get anything important done.

On the plus side, I seem to have gotten some morals. That's new. It really only makes me feel worse though about the things that I've done. I'm a terrible person. Or I was. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Well, that's really all I have to say. Guess I'll go. Sorry for the whining.

Brandi

The dream is never what it seems, very soon you realize. It's the same as it ever was, what we need is a little more love.

Jeremy Kay - Wine and Roses

So things have been pretty good. Things are going good with Jason still, and I'm pretty happy with my life for the most part. Other than, you know, the being incredibly broke part. Lol. I really need to save up for TRF.. but I'm pretty much out of time. I only have 4 pay checks left until we go, and there's no way I can save what I need out of those unless I stop eating for the next two months. Maybe I'll just ONLY buy those dollar tv dinners for the next two months and call it good. I can live on that.. I pretty much do anyway. But it's going to cost like 100 bucks just to drive down there and back, then camping is 20, and I'll need money for food and drinks and shit while we're there. I was going to buy a air mattress because we're going to stay in a tent, but I think I'll just take my futon mattress.. it'll fit in the back of my car I think. It's pretty flimsy.. it'll fold. haha.

So my A/C died last week. It was SO hot. Dwight and Jason took it out yesterday (because Dwight bought me a new one... 0.0 I know... I was shocked as shit), it was froze up apparently. Which is stupid, mind you... it's in the triple digits, and it's off when I'm not here... how the HELL could it be FROZEN? whatever. The new one works famously. But they put in the new one yesterday. It's awesome. It works so much better than my other one! but it was getting pretty old. Mom said they don't have an incredibly long shelf life anyway.. but I got good use out of the old one. Mom said something about letting the old one thaw out and cleaning it up and something about a new censor and it'll probably work again, so there's that.

So Jason. I got an extra night with him this weekend. <3 makes me so happy. AND he brought me a bottle of my favorite wine. =) that man... he's the best. But he came over Friday and I didn't have to give him up until today. I love sleeping with him. It's the best. He's the best cuddler ever. and I know he doesn't like kissing or hand holding, but he's the best at those too. He's the best at everything. I just love every moment with him. He makes me so happy. But, he has his own toothbrush and deodorant here now. Lol so no more swishing with toothpaste and using my deodorant.. haha. That was cute though. I miss him so much when he isn't here. But I think I do pretty well when he's not around. Before, I would have been a basket case all week, and yes some days are harder than others but for the most part the weekend is enough to get me through the week. I wish I had more time with him, but it's cool. I don't wanna smother him too much anyway.. which I'm sure that I do... because I kinda insist he talks to me nearly constantly... lol but still.

I woke up this morning, with my knee hurting. The one I messed up a few years ago. Oh man it hurts so bad. but I'll live. Lol.

Anywho, that's all I got. Things are good. Yup. haha. Have fun.

Brandi