It's scratching on the walls, in the closet in the halls. It comes awake and I can't control it. Hiding under the bed, in my body in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end! I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster.

Skillet - Monster

I hate the way my mind works...

I wish I could just forget the things I want to forget. Sometimes I think about that movie... Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. if you could erase someone completely from your memory... would you want to? Yes.  I think I would. On the other hand I'm some-what convinced I'm addicted to misery. So maybe I wouldn't because on some sick masochistic level I like feeling like this. I like beating myself up mentally and telling myself I'm nothing so why would someone like him ever want anything to do with me? Why would anyone want anything to do with me? Maybe I like knowing he feels nothing for me, because I like how it feels to feel like nothing. That's really stupid though, isn't it. I don't care. I hate the way my mind works. It's so twisted and backwards and... negative. So very negative. I don't even really understand my fascination with him. None of it even matters. I honestly don't think I'll ever see him again, and maybe it's for the best.  Because this isn't healthy. And it isn't right.. and it's killing me inside. I know I'll be okay in a few days with no contact.. but right now.. I just feel... destroyed. I wish he felt anything for me. :( I wish I didn't feel so... gone.

On a higher note.. I've been exorcising like a crazy person. And watching what I eat of course. I do stretching/elliptical first thing in the morning.. then during the week, I shower and go to work, come home, go to the track with Heather for 3 miles of walking/running/bleachers come home, relax for a bit then back on the elliptical. The weekend is the same except the work part, and I may sub out the afternoon elliptical for something else depending on how I feel. Hopefully getting a bicycle soon. That'll be fun.. then we'll be riding bikes out at Thousand Trails instead of walking/running/bleachers at the track.. which gets boring.

I don't have anything else to say. I feel like total hell emotionally. I need to go.

Memories are debilitating.. even the good ones can crush through you like a high speed train only to leave you this mangled mess of crippling emotion...sometimes even the good ones are worse than the bad..

Not lyrics this time.. that's all me..

I was laying in bed a little while ago thinking about the past.. but not the bad past... the good past. I don't understand why memories are so painful. Even the good ones.. I feel worse than if I'd been thinking about the bad ones. Simple memories even.. sitting in my room playing Frogger on my computer listening to Taking Back Sunday.. the way my room looked, the house we lived in.. going to Waco with Becky and Chris... Sitting in the hall before school with my friends... Passing notes in study hall... talking on the phone (which is something I LOATH doing now..) I hated high school. Hated it. and I don't miss it at all. But those things... I miss those things. I miss my friends. I miss the simplicity of being a teenager, even though even then it was filled with possibly more psychoticness than my adult life is. I don't remember really.. I remember a lot of doctors.. a lot of medication.. and a lot of pain. But the good memories, the things mentioned above.. those are the things that made it all worth it so WHY does it hurt so much right now thinking about it? I feel like I'm being crushed.. like I can't breathe. My life is so empty now. Dead end job, no money, I rarely see any of my friends, several of which live really far away, some that aren't even friends anymore.. I just sit here in my room on my computer doing nothing, or playing a game, or sleeping... alone. What is the point of my life? I'm not going anywhere, things are really only getting worse.. I'm 25 and divorced, I can't have kids and even if I could, I can't afford myself much less anyone else.. I'm not going anywhere. What is the point? My existence isn't doing anyone any good especially not me. I hurt.. a LOT. And there isn't really any reason in it.. or for it.. And the worse part about all of it? I don't even WANT to do anything. I don't want to have to go get a second job.. I don't want to go to school.. I want this all to be over because I'm tired of having to fight for everything. It's all always been a huge fucking fight and I don't have anything left anymore to fight for. I don't have anything left to fight WITH. Please.. please don't make me do this anymore. I just can't.

Here I am, with my heart on the floor, and my love out the door, you should be knocking. There it goes I got nothing to show for.

Meiko - Under My Bed

So I haven't written in forever.. I just haven't had anything to say. I still really don't. Dustin is home I got to see him once and I'm sure it'll be a really long time before I see him again, if I ever see him again. We got in a fight not too long ago and he kept me blocked for like two weeks... we're friends again now but.. yeah I'm trying not to talk to him too much.. Don't wanna annoy him.

As for that boy I like.. that hasn't changed. The liking him. If anything I like him more. He's a good friend but God I wish he wanted more... but he straight told me he doesn't see us going anywhere so I guess I should probably give up on that front. His words and actions don't really meet up though so I'm just left confused.  I've decided to just go with it. Maybe he'll realize soon that he's essentially dating me anyway and he should just get over it and give in. haha. but anyway..

It's really cold. I'm so glad Christmas and stuff is over but it wasn't as bad as I always think it's going to be. It never is.. wasn't all that great either, but wasn't bad. The point is, I made it through it.. that's all that really matters, right? Lol

I got to see my Heather! Yaaay! She moved back, and I got to see her. All is right with the world. Lol.

So yeah I don't really know what else to say? Living in town and not with my parents is still good. I've had some bad days but that's to be expected due to the fact that sometimes I'm just.. insane. Lol. But really I think I even mostly have a handle on that. There are days I wish I just didn't feel anything at all because feeling things hurts a lot for no good reason.. but there aren't as many of them anymore. And most of the days I have like that are boy related. I need to not be so needy. I just need people to be talking to me and yeah. Although I've kind of found a way around that too.. distraction. I bought a ps2. =D It brings me hours of entertainment and enjoyment... except when I can't beat things and then I get mad but yeah.. I need to get Kingdom Hearts still. I fucking love that game and I need it more than air. The boy loaned me Katamari, it's pretty fun.. and I like Spyro a lot. I'm playing the Enter The Dragonfly one. Tis fun but i'm currently stuck. And that irritates me. I tell you what I really need to do.. get more sleep. I had a lot of time off for Christmas and New Year and I got out of my sleeping patterns lol. I need to go to bed earlier but I can't seem to make myself cuz I'm always doing stuff at bed time haha. Or talking to people. And lets face it, I'd much rather talk to people than sleep.

So the next semi major hurtle to get through after Christmas? Valentine's Day. That's pretty much guaranteed to throw me off considerable. What a stupid holiday. It'd be great if I wasn't all alone and crap, and seriously? I will be. It's okay though. And then my birthday in March. *sighs* why oh why do these days plague me so? Lol. It's alright though. I'll be okay I think.

And I don't have anything else to say. So I'm gonna go. lol TTFN! lol

Brandi