Passenger - Let Her Go
He wanted me to come say goodbye, since I refuse to be his
friend (I just.. can't... I can't even look at anything in my room without
breaking down..). So I went. Against the recommendation of my mother and my
friend (She's barely left my side... I love her)...
The plan was, be cold. If
he hugs you, don't hug back, don't cry, don't beg, just be calm, and cold. And
I was doing really well... for a few minutes. I bought sunglasses on the way
over so if I did start to cry I could hide it a little better. We were both
silent. He just stared at me. His eyes teared up. Mine stayed dry. Finally he
said "say something.." I said, "I don't know what you want me to
say. I've already said everything that needed to be said." He cried. He
hugged me.. and cried into my hair. My resolve slipped. Tears fell. I didn't
hug him back. Just stood there stiff with my head pulled back. I held my breath
so it wouldn't catch. So he wouldn't know I was upset. I've never seen him cry.
He told me he never cries. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of there so
badly... he asked me to come in, I said no. So he went in to get a jacket (for
Texas, it's unnaturally cold.) I was shaking. But not because I was cold. I
have an awesome coat. Finally he was all "Please come at least into the
living room, its cold." Fine. So I go in. More staring. Crying. He stopped
letting me go and was just holding on to me crying... there was some talking
but I can't really remember what was said in the beginning. But I lost it. I
was crying so hard I had to hug him back just to stay on my feet. The kind of
crying that makes it feel like your chest is going to collapse. I was crying
that I was sorry. He kept saying this wasn't my fault. I said mean cold things
occasionally. I even apologized for the other day when I told him he needed to
grow the fuck up. He said I was right, he does need to grow up. More crying.
More talking. He just stared at me. I was hungry and asked if he wanted to go
grab something to eat. He asked if I wanted sit down or fast food... I said
"I don't care. This is the last time you're ever going to see me. So it's
your decision. Do you wanna make this quick, or drag it out." His eyes
teared up. We went to a sit down... he insisted on paying.. in fact, ripped the
check out of my hand and ran up to pay it real quick. We were pretty calm at
the restaurant, though we both just pretty much picked at the food... he tried
to play footsie with me.. and wouldn't stop staring. So after, we're in the
car. He's looking really sad, and at this point, I'm not ready for it to be
over... so I ask if he wants to go to Walmart with me. He does. The WHOLE time
we're in Walmart, his hands are in my pockets, he's kissing my head, and smelling
my hair, telling me my hair smells good, holding on to my waist. He was
touching me in some way the WHOLE time. We're done, get back to his house. We
sat in the car for nearly 3 hours after Walmart. Talking. Crying. Hugging. Him
holding my hands, playing with my hair, rubbing my back... He keeps saying he
doesn't want me out of his life. I keep saying I can't be his friend. He told
me that he never wanted to hurt me, and he's so sorry he just isn't ready, and
some days he wakes up and life with me is really possible..and other days he
wakes up and isn't sure he wants to be with me at all, and it isn't fair to me.
It's not fair to me. He loves and cares about me (closest thing to "I love
you" he'd ever said). I just.. lose it. I begged. I would have done
anything for you. I will, I'll stop smoking, I'll go out, I promise I'll go out
and do things and leave the house I'll do whatever you want just anything
whatever you want I'm so sorry please don't do this it hurts it hurts more than
anything I can't take it please don't do this... He said he could take it all
back.. I said no. Because I can't live with him not being sure. I can't get
back into that knowing he could leave me any day all over again and I’d have to
do this all over again. He tells me that maybe someday when he gets his head
straight he'll show up at my door and maybe we’ll start over. I don't want to
hear that. He kissed me. I cried. He cried.... lots of crying. So finally, It's
midnight. We both work in the morning and I have cold stuff in my car that is
no longer all that cold. It's time for goodbye. He kissed me, like he never has
before. And gets out of the car. I got out too. I hugged him. I said "I
love you, so much. And I'm really going to miss you. Goodbye, Jason." And
started to turn. He grabs my arm, whips me back around, says "I love you
too" and I kissed him, he kissed me back, hard. I was shocked. Got back
into my car. Covered my face with my hands to cry. Tap on my window, I look up.
He mouths "This isn't goodbye." and walks to his door, and I go home.
What in the actual FUCK am I supposed to do with all that? He doesn't cry. He
doesn't LOVE me... HE WANTED THIS!!!! What the HELL!??!? I only know, I can't
talk to him. I won't. If he tries, I'll ignore him.
I miss him so much... and I love him. But I don't even know if he
wanted me back that I'd take him back. How could I ever forgive him for this?
And I'd always be afraid he'll do it again. But I also don't know how to live
without him. He was the best. Every relationship I've ever had, has been bad,
and unhealthy even, and a few of them hurt when they were over, but in different
ways. This is killing me. He wasn't mean to me. He didn’t hit me, wasn't
emotionally abusive, spent real time with me and didn’t ignore me for video
games... he was supportive, and helpful and sweet. He helped me with things and
I didn't even have to ask... he made me feel like I was worth something, and
that's something I've never had. And now I'm stuck here alone in my head. It's
a dangerous place to be. I had a horrible dream last night, probably because of
what I was thinking of when I went to bed... dying... I dreamt if I did
anything, my best friend would have me committed. And she did, in the dream. I
was so mad... yelling at her that I would lose everything I had left... my job,
my car... She said "sorry, you did this to yourself" and left me
there. Ironically, she spent the night last night because she doesn't really leave
me since it happened... but she didn't sleep well, I'm crying in my sleep now.
She said she'd wake up to whimpering and sobbing.. and say "Brandi, stop...Brandi?.... Brandi?" and I didn't answer.. because I was
asleep. She said it was heartbreaking.. I whimpered, and sobbed... and I gotta
tell you, knowing I'm crying in my sleep just makes me mad. I thought I was
waking up every morning with my eyes swollen because I cry all day.... but it's
all night too. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I said I wouldn't talk to
him if he tried to talk to me... but it's really bothering me that he's not
even trying to talk to me. I can't think of anything, future wise... It hurts
too much. It feels so empty and alone and ... I don't think I can handle it.
He's been part of my life, a constant part for over a year. I needed him when
we met, without even knowing it...and even before we were together he was there
for me. I learned to count on him... and now he's just, gone. I'd never really
had anyone like that to count on before... how am I supposed to go back to
before? How am I supposed to keep getting up every day, and going to work, and
living the life I no longer want?
My life is empty. I was going to
just keep doing what I was planning, fixing my apartment, painting and all
that. But there isn't anything I can do until my tax return comes.... so I'm
just... sitting with nothing to do for now. I feel alone, all the time..even
when my friend is with me. I feel trapped in my head. I don't even want to do
anything. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. Nothing feels worth anything to me anymore. I slammed my elbow (the one I keep hitting on everything, so it's already bruised) into the stair rail... I barely even felt it. The world looks foggy and gray, even when the sun is shining. Everything tastes...weird... bland. The world is a much colder, darker place. It's scarier. He made me feel safe... I don't feel safe anymore. I feel exposed.. and cold. It's like standing on a life boat in the middle of the ocean in a storm... and the raft has a hole in it, and there are sharks circling. The question is, do you wait for the the wind and waves to take you, or for the raft to completely deflate? Or jump in and hope the sharks are quick? I've always been more of a... make a move.. kind of person rather than a wait and see person. But sharks are scary. But so is unendingly deep, dark, cold water.
I don't know how to do this. I don't want to. It hurts so bad.. and I'm so scared. I also don't want to be committed though. I know nothing I could try would work.. It never does. The dream, I'm pretty sure, was a warning. This is what will happen if you do this, and you know it. I know it's dumb to even think about it because I'm hurting over a guy..but that isn't all of it. My life has always been shit. I've wanted to die for the majority of my life. I don't handle bad things happening very well... because being hurt, reminds me of everything that's ever hurt me. It all comes flooding back at the same time. 26 years of pain, all at once. It would make anyone consider it. Especially anyone who's been through even half of what I have. So think about that before you judge me for this. Imagine every bad thing that has EVER happened to you... Imagine every time you're hurting, you have to re-feel ALL OF IT. Then consider what I've been through, and image the same scenario. Still feel like judging me? It's awful. It hurts. I never wanted to lose him. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt, and my own parents abandoned me, several times, as a child... and even once at the time I needed my mother the most. Everyone I love, who is supposed to be there has abandoned me at least once. It's like all of them, combined, leaving me all over again. I knew better than to love him that much, I just didn't have any control over it. I really tried not to get attached. I tried not to love him. I tried to not get too close... I failed. And this is what I get for it. This is why I like being alone. If you're alone, no one can hurt you.
