I'll lead a war with no conclusion and in the final hour I'll be a confident coward. Cuz if we stand for nothing, we'll fall for anything. You're not a hero, you're a liar. You're not a savior, you're a vampire sucking the life out of all the friends you've ever known.

Heroes - All Time Low

Sooo I got a new car about two weeks ago. Its a 1998 Toyota RAV4, and I kicked Jon out a few days later. I was so insanely proud of myself. I took a friends advice, sucked it up, took control, and did what needed to be done. And I felt GREAT...until today. Even last weekend was awesome. At least more awesome than anything I usually do on the weekends (which is nothing).

Last Friday, Amber, Stephen, Austin, and Hayden were over, and a friend I hadn't seen in a LONG time came over too. It was a actually a lot of fun. Then Saturday, I decided to go to Georgetown with Amber. It was nice, wanting to go do something, and actually doing it. Usually I find an excuse not to go, or I just can't because Jon has the car. But since he's been gone, I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. And I really love the freedom.

I decided I was gonna do more stuff like that. I was gonna start going out again. Seeing people. Having a life... being 24. And then today I realized.....I don't have any friends. lol. I totally isolated myself. I've pissed off a TON of people lately, without even slightly caring, and honestly those that are gone, it's probably for the best... but wtf am I supposed to do now? I still need a new job because I don't have the money for the life I want.... and I'm working on that. I've been applying places like a crazy person, and following up... but no one calls back... annnd there's that little thing about not really having many friends here, and the ones I do have, are just as isolated and boring as me. lol no offence guys.

I wanna go out and DRINK... and yes, I don't drink.. but I want to! I want to be more confident and do things just because I want to. I want to not care what anyone else thinks and I think I'm doing better at it at least....

I'm tired of making excuses for things. I'm tired of being bummed out over nothing. I'm tired of avoiding my life. I want what I want, and although I'm not really sure what that is right now,  I'm fucking determined as hell to figure it out.

There was one thing I realized I wanted....but I think it was more for the game than the prize. I like a good challenge... and that would be all well and good except I realized today that there really was no prize and ergo no game. It's a lost cause. And that's depressing. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't just for the game. Because I think if I just got a taste of the prize, that wouldn't be enough. But It's a losing battle... there's no way I can win, not with the circumstances that are present. Not with all the confidence and positive thinking in the world. It just isn't possible.. and even if it is I'm not sure I could do it....I don't mean that like.. I can't necessarily... but I shouldn't. What if you knew, something you were doing or trying to do, should it work, could potentially ruin someone else's life. Someone you'd never even met... but still. Could you do it? I don't know that I could. Don't get me wrong... I've played a hand in ruining a few lives but I don't think I really meant to. This time.. I know what I'm doing, I know what it could mean, and even if I could..idk that I should. I have no idea if any of that made any sense but... there it is.

I'm done with group I think. I don't wanna go anymore. Monday all I could think about was how much it really wasn't helping anymore. I think I'm okay enough to go on on my own without group at least. Think I'll still with one on one for a bit longer, but I'm done with group. I need to get back to work anyway. They're starting to get a tad bitchy.

Found out today that my sister in law has cancer. What is it with this family and cancer??? On BOTH sides, and granted she isn't blood to me, but DAMN. On my moms side, grandpa, and one of my aunts had it. On my dads side, my uncle, and my dad. And now my sister in law. You've got to be kidding me? I think the world is trying to send me some sort of fucked up cosmic message that I need to watch myself. I really need to quit smoking. Lung cancer on both sides of the family... lol I'm kinda asking for it. Oh well. I don't care.

Sooo anyway.. I'm working on confidence, getting a new job, hopefully moving out, and having a real life. I'll be 25 in a month and shit needs to get together. I was kinda bummed when I started this post, but I'm feeling kinda pumped again. I can do this. Wish me luck.

Brandi

Wait, I'm wrong. Should've done better than this. Please, I'll be strong. I'm finding it hard to resist, so show me what I'm looking for. Save me, I'm lost. Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, just save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for.

Carolina Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For.

So I've taken on a GIANT project. Partially because I need something to do, and mostly because I need more space. I don't know if I can even do it, last night when I started it seemed impossible. I'd started working only to realize that it's just way too much. But after conferring with the mother this morning, I think it may be doable, it's just going to take a lot of hard work. Which I'm up for I think.

The plan is, to clean out the storage room. Not only is it so packed you can barely walk in the door, but it's also a fire hazard. Things are just thrown in there (that's mostly my fault), and if it gets hot like it did last summer this summer... it's just a fire waiting to happen. But I intend to clean it out like... completely. There will still be things in there obviously, but I'm hoping to get it to the point where you can actually walk around in there and find things.

Part 2 of the plan, from here on out referred to as: Operation EBS (Extend Brandi's Space) is to convince Dwight to let me do this and then move all the things in Michael's living room, into the storage room. The white table will still be functional because I'll have cleaned out the storage room. There won't be any more cat hair all over it all, and Puck won't be eating and destroying all that stuff. So that part is a win win.

Part 3 of Operation EBS, after convincing Dwight that it's no skin off his nose to let me go through with all of Operation EBS, is to finish the wall where there is currently a doorway. Then, Open the wall that connects that room, to my room, making it an extension of my room and therefore giving me more space. or the other way around.. open the wall and then close the other.  I currently have 3 rooms full of crap, shoved into one. And it sucks. Then I will finish the ceiling (because it isn't done), base boards and trim and all that noise, paint, pull up the carpet, stain and varnish the wood on the floor, wait for it to dry and then move in my bed and probably dresser.

Part 4 of Operation EBS, will be to finish the room I already have. Put up base boards and cover the rest of the outlets, trim on the doorways, paint, pull up the flooring and stain and varnish the wood. In sections, obviously.

It's going to be a LOT of work, but it'll be worth it. My room is so cramped and I'm up there all weekend by myself it mine as well be worth looking at, ya know? I don't know how I'm gonna get all that done, but It has to be before it starts getting hot again. I wish I had some help :( but oh well I guess. I can do it. I know I'm probably gonna get mad a lot though haha. And I'm sure Puck is REALLY going to be in the way.

OH! I may also add a new window... its sooo dark in there. I have one window and it's mostly covered by the window A/C So I get pretty much no natural light or air. I need light.. and air. Man, I wanna work on that stuff NOW... but I'm at work :( lol. I'm suddenly motivated again. But it's gonna be great and hopefully Dwight will agree to it. I don't see why he wouldn't though because it's nothing that's going to be bothersome to him. I'm doing everything AND he gets his storage room cleaned.

Anyway I'm gonna go, I need to actually work, I just wanted to talk about the current plan. I think it'll be good if I actually get any of it done lol.

Cya,
Brandi Evans