Lydia - One More Day
I'm so mad, and upset. I have been all week, but it just keeps getting added to. I feel like a wounded animal backed into a corner. I can't think of a single move that won't hurt me.
I don't think he even knows why I'm mad. I tried to explain it the best I could. But it all just got worse from there. I don't care who he talks to. I don't care what they talk about. I do NOT however, want him talking to girls he's slept with, when I'm around. How is that unreasonable? How much clearer can I make that? I don't care that you're still friends, but it bothers me and I feel threatened by it. I don't care that you talk to her.. just don't do it around me. That's all I'm saying.. But, he doesn't love me.. so I guess I can see how it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't seem to give a shit what I do, so why should I care, right? I suppose that's his logic, I don't know. That's the other thing that's bothering me. Again, still, whatever. After all this time.. he doesn't love me. Which means, he probably never will. So what the hell am I doing? I'm going to just waste years, on someone who doesn't love me? Someone I probably don't have a future with, because he probably doesn't even want one with me. I don't know. I don't like not knowing. I know he cares, sure. But I also know he doesn't love me. But I love him. So do I continue to let him be comfortable, and waste time until he gets bored and leaves me. Or I piss him off enough that he leaves me. Even though it's hurting me. And it's going to hurt a lot more later. I'm almost 30. I don't want to play around. But thinking about my life without him now? Is unbearable. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to know, KNOW with all certainty.. that you love someone and although they're with you, and have been for a while.. they don't love you back? It's excruciating. And I have to pretend I don't care. Because God forbid I let him know how much that hurts. What's he gonna do about it? Not like he can just... suddenly do it because I want him to. There isn't a fix for it.
I don't think any of it is going to matter too much longer. I keep getting this feeling that I'm going to die soon. All of a sudden, really strong feelings. The last one, it felt like before Christmas. I'm going to die before Christmas. And today all I feel.. is something really bad is going to happen. And I'm not the only one. Mom said she felt like something bad was going to happen. She said she felt wrong. I understand. I feel wrong too. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of hoping I do die soon. It's getting really hard to be alone with myself. I feel like I'm suffocating. Everything hurts so bad. I can't think of anything to do with myself.. when I'm alone. I'm just... alone. And alone is getting to be a pretty big feeling. Like it's swallowing me. The world... feels like it's swallowing me. Everyday that goes by, I just get more and more upset.. everything feels more and more hopeless.. and I feel more and more alone. I'm going to die alone.
I think It's about time for bed now. I can't handle being awake any longer.
Brandi
