This ones for the lonely, the ones that seek and find, only to be let down time after time. This ones for the torn down, the experts at the fall, come on friends get up now you're not alone at all.

Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes

This post may make some people angry. Just a heads up.

I have known far more people than I care to, that have decided to end their lives and succeeded. I'm not angry. I understand more so than most. It's sad, but I get it. What healthy people don't understand, is why you would make that choice, as if it's not a choice at all -- it is. It is always a choice. And for some, it's always there. It reminds you constantly, that it is there and is a viable option. It's almost like a living, breathing thing in your mind. A lot of people can't kill it. When you get to the point where you aren't just pondering it, but are actually considering it, planning it even... the healthy think that other people - the people you'll be hurting don't cross your mind. That isn't the case at all. They are the only reason you doubt the decision. You weigh your own pain, against what they'll go through, and then decide which is worse. Can you go on? Is there any possible way you can stand another minute breathing? The ones who decide to go ahead with it.. the answer is no. In my case, it was never so much how much people will hurt, because I never really felt like anyone would TRULY care... I kinda figured they'd all be better off. What I thought of, was how pissed off everyone would be if it didn't work. That's the thing about suicide... if you don't succeed, it just pisses everyone off... which in turn makes you feel worse. They accuse you of being selfish, and you really have no response to it. But you don't feel it's selfish, you feel that they are, for making you stay when you hurt this badly, if only they knew how much it hurt. Maybe on some level we are selfish... but you're sure if they knew just how much you were hurting that they'd understand... healthy people can't understand that. They never will. And it isn't because they don't try, because I'm sure there are some who try to understand.. but unless you've been there, you can't.

There is only so much one person can take. Everyone has their limit. For some, the desire to live is stronger than the pain they are feeling. For others, the pain is overwhelming, and there is nothing anyone could say or do to change their mind. The living -- the healthy, think they could have done something... said something.. saved them. But the truth is? Maybe not.. probably not. With me...I don't know how many times I tried. More than I can count. And only once or twice was I able to be talked down. Can you imagine it? Being in excruciating pain every. single. day.? A little voice in  your head you have to constantly fight with that is whispering, and sometimes SCREAMING at you, to end it. You're worthless. Everyone would be better off without you. You should just do it and get it over with. It's always going to be like this. Nothing will ever change. You're going to feel this bad forever. You're all alone. No one understands. Just do it. Every. Single. Day. Your mind is your own personal bully that never ever leaves your side. And at first you fight back, I'm not alone. People would care, I have friends.. family.. they love me. Things will get better. And for some people, it does. For some people they can fight through it. They're okay. For others... the other voice just gets too loud, and you start to believe it. Once you believe it... It is so unbelievably hard to go back, to have your mind changed. Sometimes the brain bullies win. Just like regular bullies. The difference is, you can't run away from it. You get no reprieve. And with regular bullies, you may be able to go home to get away from them.. but there is a point where you believe what they say about you.. .and then your brain bullies take over.

This post seems negative, and I'm sure some of you are mad at me, as if I'm trying to justify it.. I'm not. But keep reading, I do have a point. All I'm saying, is that I get it. And I'm hoping having it explained, what it's like, will help someone understand how someone they love could even consider it. It is not a black and white situation.. nothing is. Life in general is shades of gray. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It is the 3rd leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. About 30,000 people die from suicide each year in the US, but 750,000 try. 750,000 people feel bad enough every year, JUST IN THE US, to want to end their lives. The level of pain you have to feel to try it.. is beyond what you can imagine if you haven't been there. But my point of all this is... there are people who understand. There are people you can talk to about it, who can relate to how you're feeling... but it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying that it's wrong, but it also isn't right. You shouldn't make someone feel bad for wanting to die. They already feel bad, and trust me they already feel guilty for even having the thought. They feel guilty, and ashamed. Even if you don't understand it, try. For some people... It's all they have left... But that doesn't mean there isn't still hope. If someone reaches out to you, listen. Don't judge. Don't be mad, and even if you ARE mad, don't show it. The person reaching out to you already feels bad enough. If they are reaching out to you, there is still hope. Don't dismiss it.

If you or someone you love is considering suicide, please, get help. Help is always available if you look for it. There are people who understand how you're feeling, and they are still here. You can get through this, asking for help does not make you weak. There are people that can help you, there are doctors that can help you. It took me 16 years to find medication that made me feel better, but I have it now. And I can honestly say, it makes the voice quieter at least. And there are times I don't hear it at all. Even one day, without it, is worth it. I have more good days than bad now. Yes, bad days still happen, and I will have this for the rest of my life... but thanks to doctors and medications, it's manageable. But not everyone is like me. Depression in most cases is curable. Other disorders that make you feel this way, are not.. but they are manageable. Life does not have to be a black pit of despair and pain, but you have to try. You don't want to do it. Just keep repeating that to yourself. "I don't want to do this. These thoughts are not who I am. And they are lying." Because that's what it is. It's a lie. You are not, what the thoughts say you are. And I understand not believing what I just said... but it's true. There is good in everyone. And there is at least ONE person in this world who loves you, and would miss you, someone who would NOT be better off without you. There is at least ONE person, whose life is better because you are in it. Sometimes life is straight shit, I know. And for a lot of people, me included, it's the same bullshit over and over and over and it feels like it'll just never end... but you have to try to keep going. When you're at the point when you ask yourself  "can I stand another minute breathing?" no matter what you actually feel, say yes. And if you can't, just give yourself a little more time. Sometimes just one or two more days is enough to get you through, and to the other side of the thoughts. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. And you won't know if you don't stick around to see. Like I said, life is shades of gray. I can promise you, life will never be perfect, it isn't for anyone... and happiness may not last long, but the moments you get to feel it, are worth it.

It has been three years since I last made an attempt on my life. Before that, it had been 6 years. Have I thought about it in between? Of course. It's always there. Even on days I'm not upset... it's there. But I'm to a point where I can tell it to fuck off, and ignore it. You will get there too. Just give it some time. It is not a quick, easy fix. It takes time. Life is cruel. But there are moments that are worth being here for. Think of something you can look forward to. Even if it's something simple or silly... making it to there is a good goal. And once you get there, find another one, and another one. The next thing you know you'll be three years down the road, and feeling better than you ever have. With more good days than bad. Find something you want, anything.. Do you want kids? Do you have kids? You need to see them go on their first date. Graduate high school, have their own kids. Maybe you want to get married one day? Or hell, even leave whoever you're already married to. Maybe you want to travel, or buy a boat. Own a house. Fall in love. Anything. Goals are important, and you can always do what I do/did... write it all down. Keep track of how you're feeling (more often than me). Everyday, how do you feel. You'd be surprised to look back and see you do have good days. The girl you like smiled at you -- could there be something there? Maybe you'll get a promotion at work, or be offered another better job. You never know. And you won't know if you end it. Just try a little longer.

If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, get help. Or hell, message me. Sometimes all you really need is someone who understands how you feel, really understands... and I do.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Brandi

Give a little time to me, we'll burn this out. We'll play hide-and-seek, to turn this around. All I want is the taste that your lips allow my my my my give me love.

Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

I say this every time. But it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I thought I didn't have anything to say, but maybe I should. A lot has changed since my last post. The job after the church was a no-go. Seriously, it was awful. And I quit. BUT not to worry, I have a new job, at another church, and I've been there for four months now-- wow it's been longer than I thought. AND I'm about to start doing a 2nd job, so yay for extra income. I feel like I'm never home... because I'm not lol.. but it's not as bad as it was at first. It really wore on me at first, but it's really nothing now. It's a pretty simple job, now that I've learned it.

Jason and I are doing good. We don't fight much, I don't ask questions I don't want the answers to generally, I'm good in my ignorance. What I don't know, or pretend not to know, can't hurt me. Especially if I don't think about it... which I generally don't. I blissfully live in my head with my probably pretend life that isn't so bad. I don't think about anything if I don't have to. And even when I do have to, I usually don't. Which is making me really forgetful, but I'm okay with it. I've been working on that though... paying attention to the things I NEED to pay attention to.

I don't know. I think I might be having a day. I feel... disconnected but still slightly upset, but I don't really have a reason for it? Don't worry, it's not like it used to be. It's just a twinge. You know how it feels when you get a cold chill? The kind you get when you aren't even cold... Your face cringes, and a rush of something comes over your whole body and your hair stands up. It's like that, but it's a rush of... despair. Is the best way I can put it. I have a moment where my resolve falters... I shudder, and kinda scream "NO" in my head to shove it all back down, and thanks to the meds, down it goes. Lol. Back into emotional purgatory where I like it. I do feel a lot better lately. Obviously, since I don't need to write here constantly. I can finally deal with my BS on my own. That's nice. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means "happy". I don't know what that feels like, to be honest. I just feel... okay. But I'm good with okay. It's better than the all consuming depression that I'm used to. Honestly I probably wouldn't even know happy if it smacked me in the face, much less what to do with it if I had it. Lol. I could be happy I guess... but if this is happy, it's seriously disappointing and I don't know what you cheerful ass people are going on about. Lol. *wink* No but seriously, I do feel okay most of the time, and I'm really good with that. In fact, I've even gotten to where when people ask how I am I don't say "I'm okay" like usual... I've been saying "I'm good!"... which is unheard of for me.

Annnnd it's Christmas next week, and I don't want to kill myself. So you know, there's a plus. lol. Actually, I feel pretty good about this year. I was actually able to do a bit of shopping and I'm happy with it. I never really get to do that, and I did this year. It feels good. Granted, it's not much... but it was more than I can usually do. Crap I got Jason last year was just downright pathetic... but I'm happy with this year :) I hope he likes it.

I can't wait until I start doing my 2nd job. It's going to bring my income up pretty nicely and seriously... I've never made that much in my life. Right now I make 10 an hour, and I'm full time. So after taxes I clear 1300 a month. Which is good. The only other time I've made that much was at Princess in Seattle. Buuuut once I start 2nd job, I'll be making more than I did in Washington, so yay me! In fact, I'll be making more than Jason hahaha. woo!

Soooo I have carpal tunnel *she says as she sits here typing a novel*. It's pretty bad too. It hurts to hold a pen. Like... I want to cry when just holding a pen. Oh and god forbid I go to bed without my brace on. Seriously, that thing is a life saver, but when I forget it... ohhhh it's bad. I've woken up crying from how bad it hurts. It's not so bad today. I've been wearing my brace pretty constantly for about three days now, so I can move it without wanting to just cut the damn thing off already. Really bad part? It's my right hand. I'm right handed. I need the stupid bitch. Lol.

My car is still awesome, though I renamed her. Her name is Yoshi. It was actually only Lexi for a few weeks. I've put over 10,000 miles on her :/ .... driving back and forth to Waco everyday adds a loooot of mileage. Maybe I'll come into a good deal of money soon and I can just move to Waco lol *crosses fingers but doesn't hold her breath*.

Did I say Jason and I are good? We are.. I think. Feels....comfortable. If that makes any sense? I don't feel like I'm gonna lose my shit when he's not around... we aren't fighting... we watch a lot of movies and play video games lol. Oh awww we went to his friends week before last for dinner.. but before that he took me to meet his grandma... and she goes "That boy sure does like you. I'm glad I finally got to meet you, I've heard good things." awwwwwwwww lol <3 lol. So we left and I bumped him and go "sooo, ya like me huh?" lol and he goes "meh, she's old doesn't know what she's saying" lol. silly boy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. It's late and I have to get up ridiculously early (5:15 every. single. work day. o.o yikes.). So, hope you are all doing well, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate or don't, and a Happy New Year, because the odds of me writing again soon are slim to none. =D Kisses!

Brandi

And I remember we stayed up way past your bedtime. Up on the second floor, Down by my sliding doo. Just innocent kids in a victimless crime. Trapped in a metaphor, Hoping for something more.

Andrew Belle - All Those Pretty Lights

I got a new car! My dream car. It's not brand new, but it might as well be! I love it so much, her name is Lexi. She's a 2013 Kia Soul Base, and she only had 19,744 miles on her when I got her last week. She's amazing, I love her.

I got a  new job. Today is my last day at the church. I'm actually really sad about it. But I start my new job on Monday. It pays better and comes with insurance. So, you know. There's that. I don't like change. I mean I obviously knew I couldn't stay here forever, and there were times I wanted nothing more than a different job... but this one was really good to me. But it'll be okay, I think. I mean.. new car, new job.. should be... good?

It feels amazing outside considering it's mid July! It's 68 degrees out and it's almost 11 am! How crazy is that! This is Texas... it's just downright unheard of. I'm not complaining though, I love it. I wish it was like this all the time.

Well.. I guess I don't have anything else to say. This post was kinda pointless I guess. Lol but I hadn't written in a while. Oh well. Have fun.

Brandi

In the daylight, I’m your sweetheart, Your goody-two-shoes prude is a work of art. But you don’t know me, And soon you won’t forget, Bad as can be, yeah you know I’m not so innocent.

Mz. Hyde - Halestorm

So it's been a little while since I've written. A lot has happened.. thus is life. Things are a bit foggy lately, though I welcome it... but I'll get to the points I remember.

I'm 27 now. I freaked out a little bit when it happened. I'm almost 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My life is pretty much a joke. It's okay though. When I think about it, I never really expected all that much out of it. Don't get me wrong, there are things that I want... but they just aren't attainable at the moment and I don't see the need to dwell...right now. I'm sure I'll change my mind in a day or so and start freaking out again about how much I want children. Who knows.

Jason and I are back together. Ish. Whatever the hell "ish" means. I'm pretty sure that just means that he doesn't particularly want me... but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either, and he was tired of my incessant whining so he'll just go with it for now. I'm oddly okay with that. Although I don't know why because it sounds awful and most of the time I don't even really care... which leads me to my next thing...

My medication, is awesome. I feel a WHOLE lot better.. and I've been told by several people that I seem a lot better. I don't freak out as easily and when I do it's not as bad. I still care about things, which is new for medication and me... but not as much as I did before. Which is good because I felt things ENTIRELY too strongly before. Things happen and I'm just like eh.. whatever. It's nice. We still aren't done adjusting but my doctor gave me a break this month because they were giving me headaches. We were increasing every two weeks, I go back on May first for my next increase, but I've been on the same dosage for a month now, and it's been alright, the headaches stopped. The only thing I've really noticed that... not really worries or concerns me.... it's more just like... "hmm.. okay?" if that makes sense? is that... I'm sucking my thumb a LOT more than before. I had cut down a lot from when I was younger.. pretty much only did it when watching tv or if I got really upset... but now... I've gone back to sleeping with my thumb in my mouth, and about 80% of the time during the day I don't even notice at first that it's there... and then I do and i'm all wth? Nearly constantly... even right now... it's REALLY bothering me that I can't have my thumb in my mouth. I'm not sure what it is? It's always been a comfort thing for me... I suck my thumb, and sipper... but lately I need more comforting? Or something? It just really bothers me to NOT be doing it.... I don't know what's up with that. Feels wrong not to.

So Jason and I went to the Dallas World Aquarium for my birthday. It was downright AWESOME. I had a lot of fun with him, as usual. We're going to the museum here at some point for this awesome dinosaur expo. Should be good. :) but we went to the aquarium, Applebee's, and Traders Village. It was a lot of fun.

So Heather told me yesterday about this place that gives loans even if you have bad credit, and it  helps your credit. Well, there were things I needed to do and definitely needed the money, and my credit sure needs  help... so I called yesterday to get a loan. I was super surprised they accepted me, but they did! Not a whole lot, but it's okay because what I got was enough, I can afford the monthly payment, and it's going to help my credit which is awesome. Sooo there's that.

Probably going to have a new kitten in a few weeks. 6 of my parents cats are/were pregnant. MoMo had the CUTEST kittens! and they're so sweet...once you catch them. Lol. I was going to keep this one I named Hades, but he didn't make it. So there's Reaper and Butterbean. Reaper is BEAUTIFUL... he has a black head, and this his body like... ombre's into a really light gray down the rest of his body. And then Butterbean is a tabby, and he's SO sweet. He loves the loves. Lol. I loves the babies <3 lol.

Puck is doing good, he just turned 3. He's probably going to be pretty pissed when I bring in another cat, but he'll get over it. Lol. He could use a friend anyway. I know he gets lonely sometimes.

I think that's about everything. At least I don't remember anything else. :) so, I go now. TTFN! lol.

Oh, on another note I wanna add... It's really  nice, knowing that not every day is going to be horrible. I've felt so bad, for so long... this is really strange, to feel okay most of the time. But I like it. It's nice to wake up and not be absolutely miserable. I feel pretty good today, and I feel even better knowing that most days feel like this now. I'm not 100% better by any means, but life is at the very least tolerable now... and it's nice.

Brandi

Wonder if we ever really know each other, and I wonder if we ever find out what we're after. And the truth of it is we're both winding down the river, and if you could only let go...

Feeling of Being - Lucy Schwartz

So it's been a month and a half since we broke up. It's crazy how much can happen in that amount of time... even though it seems like all I've really done is mope around... I've done more than that. I painted my new room and moved into it... though I've since lost all motivation and that's as far as I got on remodeling-ish. I went to the doctor, to get antidepressants. He doesn't think I'm just depressed. He thinks I'm bipolar. So, at first he gave me just an antidepressant, a low dose, to see what would happen. I've never been so angry in my life. I literally wanted to kill everyone I.. not only came in contact with, but even spoke to. I was down right hostile to the point of almost being violent. It took everything I had to keep myself under control. So I called the doctor. That was a week. He said he thinks I'm bipolar, and added another med.. a mood stabilizer/anticonvulsant (not sure that's a word but you get it..)... . I feel better. I'm still irritable, but not hostile, still depressed but not as bad... think the dosage just isn't high enough... I am on a pretty low dose. I have another appointment Monday, so we'll see how that goes. I seem to want to be alone more and more lately. I'm also always really tired but I think that's the meds.

I told Jason I was going to start trying to date soon. I don't want to but I kind of feel like I need to.. you know? He wasn't thrilled about that. I asked if he wanted me to wait, he said he didn't know what he wants. So I go "So.. you don't want me, but you don't want me with anyone else either?" lol.. As it turns out, I'm waiting. For a little while. I said I wouldn't wait forever but... at least this'll give me time to adjust to things and not be forced to interact when I don't want to with new people. I can just... be alone and not have to worry about wasting my life, I kind of don't care at this point anyway. I don't want to meet new people. I don't have to. I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep, and be alone, and sleep. I think if I never interacted with another human being ever again I'd be okay... that's how I feel. I really just want to be completely alone for a while. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk. But I have to.. so I do. I'm not even sure it's a depression thing... I just really want to be alone. That would make me so happy I think. Like right now, I'm alone right now.. and it's great.

So this is the last season of Being Human.. that's a bummer. Yeah I'm out of things to say. So I'll go.

Brandi

I've been walking in circles for days, wandering in and out of this haze. Nothing is clear, cept nothing stays the same. And I know, know, no ones to blame, but I don't, don't wanna play this game without you, I can't, I won't.

8MM - Everybody Says

I agreed to try to be his friend. The pain was unbearable, until I agreed to that. It's bearable now, but it still hurts like hell. But now I have to hide it. I have to pretend everything is okay. I have to be....positive.. and pretend my heart isn't still broken. It's unreasonable. Asking me to be positive, right now, is unreasonable. Expecting me to be able to function, and smile, and all that BS, is unreasonable. But I'm doing it. Because who gives a shit about my feelings, right? Sometimes I wish I was all alone. If you're alone, you don't have to please anyone. Don't have to suffer to make them happy. Don't have to lie, and say you're okay when it still feels like your chest is now an empty cave where your heart used to be. But, it's bearable. That's really all I asked for. I didn't expect the pain to go away, I just wanted it to get to a point I could handle it. And it is, so I guess I should be happy about that.

You know what I don't understand? I keep hearing how negative I am, how hard on myself. And yeah, I guess I am... but I used to be WAY worse. I'm not trying to kill myself every other week... That's an improvement. I don't even think about it as much.. I mean I still do, but not NEAR as often, and I don't act on it. That has to count for something. I am at least ABLE to say positive things about myself, that's more than I used to be able to do... I can think at least slightly more rationally than I used to. But does any of this count? No. I'm still "too negative" "too hard on myself". I have been trying. Harder than you can imagine, to change. I know people don't want to hear how miserable I am. I know it's tiring. I really try not to talk about it. I do. But sometimes, I just have to. Like now. I think I have every right to be miserable right now. My heart was ripped out through my ass... I'm allowed to be upset. I'm allowed to be negative, and I'm allowed to wonder what I did. I'm allowed to think I deserved it. But am I getting understanding? No. I'm basically being told to get over it, and think of the bright side. What bright side? What do I POSSIBLY have to be positive about? Yeah, I'm in a better place than I have been in a long time. Okay. I like my job, it's comfortable, and safe... I'm hesitant to find something else because I KNOW I can do this job. I can handle it. I know no one will understand, but there is a limit to what I can handle. If I don't have enough time to myself... things get bad. I get overwhelmed. I start freaking out. Then I suddenly quit the job, lose everything, and spend X amount of time trying to off myself because I've ruined my life. I'm comfortable, right now. Life wise, anyway. I have a decent job, that I like. I have my own car. I'm paying my bills without too much struggle. I have never been in a better place than I am right now, in those departments. Yeah, I don't have a lot of money to spend on stupid frivolous things, but that's okay. Socially? well.. I don't really like to socialize anyway, so that isn't so bad. I like being alone.  But I really love Jason. So all of that good stuff, is really nothing to me, without him. It feels pointless. I don't know what to do now. We're friends... awesome. So you know, when he finds someone else, I'll get to be heartbroken all over again. Sounds fun. Can't wait. And then there's me. At some point I'll have to try to move on... but why? The thought of being with anyone else... literally makes me feel sick. I had a nightmare about it, even. So what am I supposed to do? No, that isn't the question. The question is what do I know I WILL do? I'm going to sit by, and watch him live his life, and move on, without me. Wait for the day he finds the girl he really loves. Lose him as even a friend. Be heart broken all over again. And probably be alone the rest of my life because, I really don't want to go through this again, and I hate meeting new people. I don't want anyone else. Maybe someday I'll be okay with it, the being alone. Maybe I'll get another cat. Maybe I won't need to be his friend long, and I'll be able to just cut everyone out all together. Maybe I'll find a way to be completely alone without it hurting. I have a lot of things ahead of me, to distract. That'll be nice. In the mean time, I get to pretend i'm okay. Fake positivity and self confidence until everyone gets off my back about it. I'm not even sure why I spend so much time trying to please everyone else. I don't think I'm that bad. I know that I can be, but I think for the most part, I'm not that bad. Maybe I should just kill myself. I won't. But I want to. But, instead, I'm going to get back on anti depressants. Ride that super fun roller coaster of BS for a few months until they find one that doesn't make everything 100 times worse, and go from there. Maybe someday I'll feel better Maybe someday everything won't be so painful and hard. Maybe someday I won't have to fake positivity and it'll just be part of who I am. Someone unrecognizable, since apparently who I am isn't good enough.

I don't have anything else to say. I'm sorry this post was so "negative" and.. you know... me. But if I can't be honest here... what's the point.

Brandi

Maybe one day you'll understand why, everything you touch surely dies. But you only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low, only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. Staring at the ceiling in the dark, same old empty feeling in your heart. 'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast.

Passenger - Let Her Go

He wanted me to come say goodbye, since I refuse to be his friend (I just.. can't... I can't even look at anything in my room without breaking down..). So I went. Against the recommendation of my mother and my friend (She's barely left my side... I love her)...

 The plan was, be cold. If he hugs you, don't hug back, don't cry, don't beg, just be calm, and cold. And I was doing really well... for a few minutes. I bought sunglasses on the way over so if I did start to cry I could hide it a little better. We were both silent. He just stared at me. His eyes teared up. Mine stayed dry. Finally he said "say something.." I said, "I don't know what you want me to say. I've already said everything that needed to be said." He cried. He hugged me.. and cried into my hair. My resolve slipped. Tears fell. I didn't hug him back. Just stood there stiff with my head pulled back. I held my breath so it wouldn't catch. So he wouldn't know I was upset. I've never seen him cry. He told me he never cries. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of there so badly... he asked me to come in, I said no. So he went in to get a jacket (for Texas, it's unnaturally cold.) I was shaking. But not because I was cold. I have an awesome coat. Finally he was all "Please come at least into the living room, its cold." Fine. So I go in. More staring. Crying. He stopped letting me go and was just holding on to me crying... there was some talking but I can't really remember what was said in the beginning. But I lost it. I was crying so hard I had to hug him back just to stay on my feet. The kind of crying that makes it feel like your chest is going to collapse. I was crying that I was sorry. He kept saying this wasn't my fault. I said mean cold things occasionally. I even apologized for the other day when I told him he needed to grow the fuck up. He said I was right, he does need to grow up. More crying. More talking. He just stared at me. I was hungry and asked if he wanted to go grab something to eat. He asked if I wanted sit down or fast food... I said "I don't care. This is the last time you're ever going to see me. So it's your decision. Do you wanna make this quick, or drag it out." His eyes teared up. We went to a sit down... he insisted on paying.. in fact, ripped the check out of my hand and ran up to pay it real quick. We were pretty calm at the restaurant, though we both just pretty much picked at the food... he tried to play footsie with me.. and wouldn't stop staring. So after, we're in the car. He's looking really sad, and at this point, I'm not ready for it to be over... so I ask if he wants to go to Walmart with me. He does. The WHOLE time we're in Walmart, his hands are in my pockets, he's kissing my head, and smelling my hair, telling me my hair smells good, holding on to my waist. He was touching me in some way the WHOLE time. We're done, get back to his house. We sat in the car for nearly 3 hours after Walmart. Talking. Crying. Hugging. Him holding my hands, playing with my hair, rubbing my back... He keeps saying he doesn't want me out of his life. I keep saying I can't be his friend. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me, and he's so sorry he just isn't ready, and some days he wakes up and life with me is really possible..and other days he wakes up and isn't sure he wants to be with me at all, and it isn't fair to me. It's not fair to me. He loves and cares about me (closest thing to "I love you" he'd ever said). I just.. lose it. I begged. I would have done anything for you. I will, I'll stop smoking, I'll go out, I promise I'll go out and do things and leave the house I'll do whatever you want just anything whatever you want I'm so sorry please don't do this it hurts it hurts more than anything I can't take it please don't do this... He said he could take it all back.. I said no. Because I can't live with him not being sure. I can't get back into that knowing he could leave me any day all over again and I’d have to do this all over again. He tells me that maybe someday when he gets his head straight he'll show up at my door and maybe we’ll start over. I don't want to hear that. He kissed me. I cried. He cried.... lots of crying. So finally, It's midnight. We both work in the morning and I have cold stuff in my car that is no longer all that cold. It's time for goodbye. He kissed me, like he never has before. And gets out of the car. I got out too. I hugged him. I said "I love you, so much. And I'm really going to miss you. Goodbye, Jason." And started to turn. He grabs my arm, whips me back around, says "I love you too" and I kissed him, he kissed me back, hard. I was shocked. Got back into my car. Covered my face with my hands to cry. Tap on my window, I look up. He mouths "This isn't goodbye." and walks to his door, and I go home. 

What in the actual FUCK am I supposed to do with all that? He doesn't cry. He doesn't LOVE me... HE WANTED THIS!!!! What the HELL!??!? I only know, I can't talk to him. I won't. If he tries, I'll ignore him.

 I miss him so much... and I love him. But I don't even know if he wanted me back that I'd take him back. How could I ever forgive him for this? And I'd always be afraid he'll do it again. But I also don't know how to live without him. He was the best. Every relationship I've ever had, has been bad, and unhealthy even, and a few of them hurt when they were over, but in different ways. This is killing me. He wasn't mean to me. He didn’t hit me, wasn't emotionally abusive, spent real time with me and didn’t ignore me for video games... he was supportive, and helpful and sweet. He helped me with things and I didn't even have to ask... he made me feel like I was worth something, and that's something I've never had. And now I'm stuck here alone in my head. It's a dangerous place to be. I had a horrible dream last night, probably because of what I was thinking of when I went to bed... dying... I dreamt if I did anything, my best friend would have me committed. And she did, in the dream. I was so mad... yelling at her that I would lose everything I had left... my job, my car... She said "sorry, you did this to yourself" and left me there. Ironically, she spent the night last night because she doesn't really leave me since it happened... but she didn't sleep well, I'm crying in my sleep now. She said she'd wake up to whimpering and sobbing.. and say "Brandi, stop...Brandi?.... Brandi?" and I didn't answer.. because I was asleep. She said it was heartbreaking.. I whimpered, and sobbed... and I gotta tell you, knowing I'm crying in my sleep just makes me mad. I thought I was waking up every morning with my eyes swollen because I cry all day.... but it's all night too. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I said I wouldn't talk to him if he tried to talk to me... but it's really bothering me that he's not even trying to talk to me. I can't think of anything, future wise... It hurts too much. It feels so empty and alone and ... I don't think I can handle it. He's been part of my life, a constant part for over a year. I needed him when we met, without even knowing it...and even before we were together he was there for me. I learned to count on him... and now he's just, gone. I'd never really had anyone like that to count on before... how am I supposed to go back to before? How am I supposed to keep getting up every day, and going to work, and living the life I no longer want? 

My life is empty. I was going to just keep doing what I was planning, fixing my apartment, painting and all that. But there isn't anything I can do until my tax return comes.... so I'm just... sitting with nothing to do for now. I feel alone, all the time..even when my friend is with me. I feel trapped in my head. I don't even want to do anything. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed. Nothing feels worth anything to me anymore. I slammed my elbow (the one I keep hitting on everything, so it's already bruised) into the stair rail... I barely even felt it. The world looks foggy and gray, even when the sun is shining. Everything tastes...weird... bland. The world is a much colder, darker place. It's scarier. He made me feel safe... I don't feel safe anymore. I feel exposed.. and cold. It's like standing on a life boat in the middle of the ocean in a storm... and the raft has a hole in it, and there are sharks circling. The question is, do you wait for the the wind and waves to take you, or for the raft to completely deflate? Or jump in and hope the sharks are quick? I've always been more of a... make a move.. kind of person rather than a wait and see person. But sharks are scary. But so is unendingly deep, dark, cold water. 

I don't know how to do this. I don't want to. It hurts so bad.. and I'm so scared. I also don't want to be committed though. I know nothing I could try would work.. It never does. The dream, I'm pretty sure, was a warning. This is what will happen if you do this, and you know it. I know it's dumb to even think about it because I'm hurting over a guy..but that isn't all of it. My life has always been shit. I've wanted to die for the majority of my life. I don't handle bad things happening very well... because being hurt, reminds me of everything that's ever hurt me. It all comes flooding back at the same time. 26 years of pain, all at once. It would make anyone consider it. Especially anyone who's been through even half of what I have. So think about that before you judge me for this. Imagine every bad thing that has EVER happened to you... Imagine every time you're hurting, you have to re-feel ALL OF IT. Then consider what I've been through, and image the same scenario. Still feel like judging me? It's awful. It hurts. I never wanted to lose him. This is by far the worst pain I've ever felt, and my own parents abandoned me, several times, as a child... and even once at the time I needed my  mother the most. Everyone I love, who is supposed to be there has abandoned me at least once. It's like all of them, combined, leaving me all over again. I knew better than to love him that much, I just didn't have any control over it. I really tried not to get attached. I tried not to love him. I tried to not get too close... I failed. And this is what I get for it. This is why I like being alone. If you're alone, no one can hurt you. 

So this is how it ends. This is where it all goes down. This is what I don't love you feels like.

David Nail - Red Light

I'm being very rational, for me. It hurts so much, but I can't let that show. I don't even know what to say. It's going to be over. For good. There isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not even sure that I want to at this point. I think I've reached the point of no return in how much he's hurt me. I am thankful for the honesty though.

We had an odd conversation earlier. He'd been being kind of cold lately, I knew something was wrong. Finally I started bawling asking if he was going to leave me. He made some comment about me freaking out if he did. Admittedly, I was a tad hysterical. We dropped it. So later I was thinking about it... why would he say that? Was he thinking about it? So I asked him. It's been a thought. He's been thinking about leaving me. I was calm, rational. Told him it was okay, not to worry about me. If I'm not what he wants, it's okay just end it. But he didn't. Said he's just thought about it. I asked why. Was a good answer. The whole thing hurt like hell. Being calm and rational, I think, hurt more than what he said. I told him to just do it. That it was okay. Is it okay?

So the question I have now... do I want this? I pushed him into this relationship. A month trial. He didn't end it after the month. It's been nearly 9 months now. He doesn't love me. That hurts. He cheated on me. That REALLY hurt. And now... imagine if the person you were with, told you they'd been thinking about leaving you. How would you feel? Even if they didn't leave you, would you still want to be in said relationship, knowing they were thinking about it? How could you? Nothing would ever be the same. You'd always be afraid it was coming. Honestly, it feels like it's over. It doesn't feel like he said he'd thought about it. It feels like he ended it. I don't know how to come back from it. He asked if I was still going over there sometime this week... I feel like he'll do it then. In person. Where I can't keep my promise that he wouldn't see me cry, because I don't know that I could hold off the tears long enough to get out of there without him seeing. But he knows that once it's over, it's over. We can't be friends. And I will pay off my car and leave. He'll never see me again, and I probably won't talk to him ever again. Not because I don't still love him, I do. Just because I can't be friends with my ex's. It's too much. Especially not right after. How can you let go of someone, if you have to see/talk to them all the time? How am I going to sit here alone for 9 months waiting to move... I feel like the world ended. Maybe he's right though. We don't have that much in common. And then there's the little thing of, me having stronger feelings for him than he does for me. I really hoped he'd love me eventually, but I think I've known all along that this would end eventually. It doesn't hurt any less. I can't stop shaking.

So... is this what I want? Can I do this? My heart, is broken. I think I'm done with love. I'm not allowed to have it, clearly. And I'm tired of it all. Relationships are hard. And they suck. The thought of having to find someone else, is literally making me feel sick. I don't want anyone else. I used to be afraid that I'd die alone... but now I don't care. I don't want this again. I don't want to go through this again. I'd rather just be alone forever. Things are easier, alone. People can't hurt you, when you're alone.

Brandi