This ones for the lonely, the ones that seek and find, only to be let down time after time. This ones for the torn down, the experts at the fall, come on friends get up now you're not alone at all.

Greg Laswell - Comes and Goes

This post may make some people angry. Just a heads up.

I have known far more people than I care to, that have decided to end their lives and succeeded. I'm not angry. I understand more so than most. It's sad, but I get it. What healthy people don't understand, is why you would make that choice, as if it's not a choice at all -- it is. It is always a choice. And for some, it's always there. It reminds you constantly, that it is there and is a viable option. It's almost like a living, breathing thing in your mind. A lot of people can't kill it. When you get to the point where you aren't just pondering it, but are actually considering it, planning it even... the healthy think that other people - the people you'll be hurting don't cross your mind. That isn't the case at all. They are the only reason you doubt the decision. You weigh your own pain, against what they'll go through, and then decide which is worse. Can you go on? Is there any possible way you can stand another minute breathing? The ones who decide to go ahead with it.. the answer is no. In my case, it was never so much how much people will hurt, because I never really felt like anyone would TRULY care... I kinda figured they'd all be better off. What I thought of, was how pissed off everyone would be if it didn't work. That's the thing about suicide... if you don't succeed, it just pisses everyone off... which in turn makes you feel worse. They accuse you of being selfish, and you really have no response to it. But you don't feel it's selfish, you feel that they are, for making you stay when you hurt this badly, if only they knew how much it hurt. Maybe on some level we are selfish... but you're sure if they knew just how much you were hurting that they'd understand... healthy people can't understand that. They never will. And it isn't because they don't try, because I'm sure there are some who try to understand.. but unless you've been there, you can't.

There is only so much one person can take. Everyone has their limit. For some, the desire to live is stronger than the pain they are feeling. For others, the pain is overwhelming, and there is nothing anyone could say or do to change their mind. The living -- the healthy, think they could have done something... said something.. saved them. But the truth is? Maybe not.. probably not. With me...I don't know how many times I tried. More than I can count. And only once or twice was I able to be talked down. Can you imagine it? Being in excruciating pain every. single. day.? A little voice in  your head you have to constantly fight with that is whispering, and sometimes SCREAMING at you, to end it. You're worthless. Everyone would be better off without you. You should just do it and get it over with. It's always going to be like this. Nothing will ever change. You're going to feel this bad forever. You're all alone. No one understands. Just do it. Every. Single. Day. Your mind is your own personal bully that never ever leaves your side. And at first you fight back, I'm not alone. People would care, I have friends.. family.. they love me. Things will get better. And for some people, it does. For some people they can fight through it. They're okay. For others... the other voice just gets too loud, and you start to believe it. Once you believe it... It is so unbelievably hard to go back, to have your mind changed. Sometimes the brain bullies win. Just like regular bullies. The difference is, you can't run away from it. You get no reprieve. And with regular bullies, you may be able to go home to get away from them.. but there is a point where you believe what they say about you.. .and then your brain bullies take over.

This post seems negative, and I'm sure some of you are mad at me, as if I'm trying to justify it.. I'm not. But keep reading, I do have a point. All I'm saying, is that I get it. And I'm hoping having it explained, what it's like, will help someone understand how someone they love could even consider it. It is not a black and white situation.. nothing is. Life in general is shades of gray. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It is the 3rd leading cause of death for people aged 15-24. About 30,000 people die from suicide each year in the US, but 750,000 try. 750,000 people feel bad enough every year, JUST IN THE US, to want to end their lives. The level of pain you have to feel to try it.. is beyond what you can imagine if you haven't been there. But my point of all this is... there are people who understand. There are people you can talk to about it, who can relate to how you're feeling... but it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying that it's wrong, but it also isn't right. You shouldn't make someone feel bad for wanting to die. They already feel bad, and trust me they already feel guilty for even having the thought. They feel guilty, and ashamed. Even if you don't understand it, try. For some people... It's all they have left... But that doesn't mean there isn't still hope. If someone reaches out to you, listen. Don't judge. Don't be mad, and even if you ARE mad, don't show it. The person reaching out to you already feels bad enough. If they are reaching out to you, there is still hope. Don't dismiss it.

If you or someone you love is considering suicide, please, get help. Help is always available if you look for it. There are people who understand how you're feeling, and they are still here. You can get through this, asking for help does not make you weak. There are people that can help you, there are doctors that can help you. It took me 16 years to find medication that made me feel better, but I have it now. And I can honestly say, it makes the voice quieter at least. And there are times I don't hear it at all. Even one day, without it, is worth it. I have more good days than bad now. Yes, bad days still happen, and I will have this for the rest of my life... but thanks to doctors and medications, it's manageable. But not everyone is like me. Depression in most cases is curable. Other disorders that make you feel this way, are not.. but they are manageable. Life does not have to be a black pit of despair and pain, but you have to try. You don't want to do it. Just keep repeating that to yourself. "I don't want to do this. These thoughts are not who I am. And they are lying." Because that's what it is. It's a lie. You are not, what the thoughts say you are. And I understand not believing what I just said... but it's true. There is good in everyone. And there is at least ONE person in this world who loves you, and would miss you, someone who would NOT be better off without you. There is at least ONE person, whose life is better because you are in it. Sometimes life is straight shit, I know. And for a lot of people, me included, it's the same bullshit over and over and over and it feels like it'll just never end... but you have to try to keep going. When you're at the point when you ask yourself  "can I stand another minute breathing?" no matter what you actually feel, say yes. And if you can't, just give yourself a little more time. Sometimes just one or two more days is enough to get you through, and to the other side of the thoughts. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. And you won't know if you don't stick around to see. Like I said, life is shades of gray. I can promise you, life will never be perfect, it isn't for anyone... and happiness may not last long, but the moments you get to feel it, are worth it.

It has been three years since I last made an attempt on my life. Before that, it had been 6 years. Have I thought about it in between? Of course. It's always there. Even on days I'm not upset... it's there. But I'm to a point where I can tell it to fuck off, and ignore it. You will get there too. Just give it some time. It is not a quick, easy fix. It takes time. Life is cruel. But there are moments that are worth being here for. Think of something you can look forward to. Even if it's something simple or silly... making it to there is a good goal. And once you get there, find another one, and another one. The next thing you know you'll be three years down the road, and feeling better than you ever have. With more good days than bad. Find something you want, anything.. Do you want kids? Do you have kids? You need to see them go on their first date. Graduate high school, have their own kids. Maybe you want to get married one day? Or hell, even leave whoever you're already married to. Maybe you want to travel, or buy a boat. Own a house. Fall in love. Anything. Goals are important, and you can always do what I do/did... write it all down. Keep track of how you're feeling (more often than me). Everyday, how do you feel. You'd be surprised to look back and see you do have good days. The girl you like smiled at you -- could there be something there? Maybe you'll get a promotion at work, or be offered another better job. You never know. And you won't know if you end it. Just try a little longer.

If you or someone you know is suicidal, please, get help. Or hell, message me. Sometimes all you really need is someone who understands how you feel, really understands... and I do.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Brandi

Give a little time to me, we'll burn this out. We'll play hide-and-seek, to turn this around. All I want is the taste that your lips allow my my my my give me love.

Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love

I say this every time. But it's been a REALLY long time since I've written. I thought I didn't have anything to say, but maybe I should. A lot has changed since my last post. The job after the church was a no-go. Seriously, it was awful. And I quit. BUT not to worry, I have a new job, at another church, and I've been there for four months now-- wow it's been longer than I thought. AND I'm about to start doing a 2nd job, so yay for extra income. I feel like I'm never home... because I'm not lol.. but it's not as bad as it was at first. It really wore on me at first, but it's really nothing now. It's a pretty simple job, now that I've learned it.

Jason and I are doing good. We don't fight much, I don't ask questions I don't want the answers to generally, I'm good in my ignorance. What I don't know, or pretend not to know, can't hurt me. Especially if I don't think about it... which I generally don't. I blissfully live in my head with my probably pretend life that isn't so bad. I don't think about anything if I don't have to. And even when I do have to, I usually don't. Which is making me really forgetful, but I'm okay with it. I've been working on that though... paying attention to the things I NEED to pay attention to.

I don't know. I think I might be having a day. I feel... disconnected but still slightly upset, but I don't really have a reason for it? Don't worry, it's not like it used to be. It's just a twinge. You know how it feels when you get a cold chill? The kind you get when you aren't even cold... Your face cringes, and a rush of something comes over your whole body and your hair stands up. It's like that, but it's a rush of... despair. Is the best way I can put it. I have a moment where my resolve falters... I shudder, and kinda scream "NO" in my head to shove it all back down, and thanks to the meds, down it goes. Lol. Back into emotional purgatory where I like it. I do feel a lot better lately. Obviously, since I don't need to write here constantly. I can finally deal with my BS on my own. That's nice. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means "happy". I don't know what that feels like, to be honest. I just feel... okay. But I'm good with okay. It's better than the all consuming depression that I'm used to. Honestly I probably wouldn't even know happy if it smacked me in the face, much less what to do with it if I had it. Lol. I could be happy I guess... but if this is happy, it's seriously disappointing and I don't know what you cheerful ass people are going on about. Lol. *wink* No but seriously, I do feel okay most of the time, and I'm really good with that. In fact, I've even gotten to where when people ask how I am I don't say "I'm okay" like usual... I've been saying "I'm good!"... which is unheard of for me.

Annnnd it's Christmas next week, and I don't want to kill myself. So you know, there's a plus. lol. Actually, I feel pretty good about this year. I was actually able to do a bit of shopping and I'm happy with it. I never really get to do that, and I did this year. It feels good. Granted, it's not much... but it was more than I can usually do. Crap I got Jason last year was just downright pathetic... but I'm happy with this year :) I hope he likes it.

I can't wait until I start doing my 2nd job. It's going to bring my income up pretty nicely and seriously... I've never made that much in my life. Right now I make 10 an hour, and I'm full time. So after taxes I clear 1300 a month. Which is good. The only other time I've made that much was at Princess in Seattle. Buuuut once I start 2nd job, I'll be making more than I did in Washington, so yay me! In fact, I'll be making more than Jason hahaha. woo!

Soooo I have carpal tunnel *she says as she sits here typing a novel*. It's pretty bad too. It hurts to hold a pen. Like... I want to cry when just holding a pen. Oh and god forbid I go to bed without my brace on. Seriously, that thing is a life saver, but when I forget it... ohhhh it's bad. I've woken up crying from how bad it hurts. It's not so bad today. I've been wearing my brace pretty constantly for about three days now, so I can move it without wanting to just cut the damn thing off already. Really bad part? It's my right hand. I'm right handed. I need the stupid bitch. Lol.

My car is still awesome, though I renamed her. Her name is Yoshi. It was actually only Lexi for a few weeks. I've put over 10,000 miles on her :/ .... driving back and forth to Waco everyday adds a loooot of mileage. Maybe I'll come into a good deal of money soon and I can just move to Waco lol *crosses fingers but doesn't hold her breath*.

Did I say Jason and I are good? We are.. I think. Feels....comfortable. If that makes any sense? I don't feel like I'm gonna lose my shit when he's not around... we aren't fighting... we watch a lot of movies and play video games lol. Oh awww we went to his friends week before last for dinner.. but before that he took me to meet his grandma... and she goes "That boy sure does like you. I'm glad I finally got to meet you, I've heard good things." awwwwwwwww lol <3 lol. So we left and I bumped him and go "sooo, ya like me huh?" lol and he goes "meh, she's old doesn't know what she's saying" lol. silly boy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. It's late and I have to get up ridiculously early (5:15 every. single. work day. o.o yikes.). So, hope you are all doing well, and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate or don't, and a Happy New Year, because the odds of me writing again soon are slim to none. =D Kisses!

Brandi