Feeling of Being - Lucy Schwartz
So it's been a month and a half since we broke up. It's crazy how much can happen in that amount of time... even though it seems like all I've really done is mope around... I've done more than that. I painted my new room and moved into it... though I've since lost all motivation and that's as far as I got on remodeling-ish. I went to the doctor, to get antidepressants. He doesn't think I'm just depressed. He thinks I'm bipolar. So, at first he gave me just an antidepressant, a low dose, to see what would happen. I've never been so angry in my life. I literally wanted to kill everyone I.. not only came in contact with, but even spoke to. I was down right hostile to the point of almost being violent. It took everything I had to keep myself under control. So I called the doctor. That was a week. He said he thinks I'm bipolar, and added another med.. a mood stabilizer/anticonvulsant (not sure that's a word but you get it..)... . I feel better. I'm still irritable, but not hostile, still depressed but not as bad... think the dosage just isn't high enough... I am on a pretty low dose. I have another appointment Monday, so we'll see how that goes. I seem to want to be alone more and more lately. I'm also always really tired but I think that's the meds.
I told Jason I was going to start trying to date soon. I don't want to but I kind of feel like I need to.. you know? He wasn't thrilled about that. I asked if he wanted me to wait, he said he didn't know what he wants. So I go "So.. you don't want me, but you don't want me with anyone else either?" lol.. As it turns out, I'm waiting. For a little while. I said I wouldn't wait forever but... at least this'll give me time to adjust to things and not be forced to interact when I don't want to with new people. I can just... be alone and not have to worry about wasting my life, I kind of don't care at this point anyway. I don't want to meet new people. I don't have to. I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep, and be alone, and sleep. I think if I never interacted with another human being ever again I'd be okay... that's how I feel. I really just want to be completely alone for a while. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk. But I have to.. so I do. I'm not even sure it's a depression thing... I just really want to be alone. That would make me so happy I think. Like right now, I'm alone right now.. and it's great.
So this is the last season of Being Human.. that's a bummer. Yeah I'm out of things to say. So I'll go.
Brandi
