If terror falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said.

The Fray - Be Still

I don't know what's wrong. Today I just feel.. disconnected. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna see anyone, I don't want anything. Nothing feels real. This is what I imagine hell would be like for me, if there is one. My hell wouldn't be fire. It would be dark, cold, and alone. It would be wandering around no where, with no one, with nothing, forever. The things that make me sad, the things that remind me of how cold the world is would be there.. silhouettes of sadness all around me. That would be my hell. Or maybe not, maybe that's reality. That's how things look to me anyway. So maybe I'm dead, and this is hell. Except there are still people here, people I love... but I still feel completely alone. Everything feels cold, and dark.. even when the sun is out.

So my brother in law went to my sisters for a week. My parents are leaving for vacation in a few days and I'll be here alone. For four days. Completely alone.. with no one. I'm an adult I should be able to handle that. But the closer it gets, the sadder I get. I don't handle being alone very well.

I don't even know how to describe with words how I feel right now. Maybe a Harry Potter reference.. Dementors. Like all the happiness has been sucked from the world, and I'll never be happy again. But thanks to my occasional brain malfunction, I can't remember what it feels like. I can't remember ever being happy a day in my life. I can't remember what anything feels like, except how I feel right now. Which is... indescribably sad.

I don't have a real reason for it. I just woke up like this today, and as the day drags on, the worse I feel. I even double dosed my gaba. It didn't work. Jon has cancer. That isn't the reason for this though. I don't even really care that he pretty much told me I shouldn't care. I did.. but I don't now. I don't care about anything. At all. I feel... totally dead inside. My life is like being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from... I don't even know that I want to wake up.

You paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.

Taylor Swift - Dear John

So that last post was a little...dramatic. I'm okay now. I was freaking out about the wrong things.. things that don't matter. I honestly don't care that much about any of that. I am really stressed out... but it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I really need to either find a second job, or just get a full time one that pays more. I'm really suffering. I can't live like this.. I know I've said that about a thousand times but it's still the truth. I'm sick of having to borrow money from my parents just so I can make my bills... I'm sick of having to live with them. I'm 25 I need to be on my own, and I have no idea how to change that. I've been looking, applying other places but no one calls.  I'm drowning here. And even if I did get better financially, then what? Move out? Alone? I'm not even sure I could handle that. Parents are going on vacation soon, I'll be alone for about a week.. what the hell am I going to do? I can't go that long without human contact and God knows no one's going to hang out with me. And why would they? I freak out every few days or so and take it out on innocent by standers. I'm not that exciting anyway.

My divorce is bothering me too. Don't get me wrong, I know it's right, and it's a good thing.. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. All I ever really wanted from my life, was to get married and have kids. I know.. why don't I just set myself back to pre-women's lib.. but still, that's what I wanted. Well I got married.. that blew up in my face horribly, and I can't have kids. So really, what's the point now? I suck at being a wife.. and I'll never be a mother. I'll never get married again.. but still I failed. I could have.. tried harder or something I don't know. I'm scared about court... and tired of being alone.. so poor I can't walk across the street and so stressed out I feel like I can't breathe about 90% of the time. Literally... It's like someones reached into my chest and are squeezing the hell out of my lungs/heart all that. It hurts. It's all I can do not to be crying all the time, so as a result.. I've been sleeping more than usual. I'm so tired anyway, but I know it's the stress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it... I don't know that there is a fix.

I spent so much time, years ago, running away. It was fun, I learned a lot.. but life follows you wherever you go. The same problems, or different ones. People have always told me... battered me with even, that things get better.. but they don't. At best, things change, to a different hell. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm.. drowning. Even my gaba stuff doesn't seem to be helping anymore. No one can help me, and I don't know how to help me, or if I can be helped.. it's scary. I just feel so bad, all the time. In general, and for bringing the people around me down with me. I don't mean to.. I just get overwhelmed and it happens. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm trying, I really am... but the point of it all.. is oblivious to me.

Brandi

I'm three steps from the edge. Don't push me over it. Don'tcha know don'tcha know? Every girl is capable of murder, if ya hurt her. Watch out you don't push me any further, any further.

Cady Groves - This Little Girl

You know what? I've had it. I'm sick to death of being jacked around and fucked with. Ex's randomly showing up... other people who have no right to speak to me anymore thinking I'll just forgive them in a heartbeat... and then there's the head games. I think I love those most of all. I don't know, it's probably just me. I'm incapable of just being friends with guys. I'm tired of having to compromise my feelings for everyone else. Why should I have to change? Why should I have to pretend I don't care? Why should I forgive anyone that's fucked me over in the past? Why should I do anything for anyone ever? It's fucking hard. I really can be a cold bitch, but I've had to be. And I will continue to do so until someone can show me I don't have to anymore. I've had it. Seriously. Someone that hurt me, needed me. Sorry, fuck off. That's pretty much what I did there. And I did it again to someone else today. Why the fuck should I give a shit about anything you say? Why should I give a shit about YOUR needs when mine were ignored? You can go fuck yourselves. I can handle a lot, I really can.. but I shouldn't have to. I think I've dealt with enough to last a life time and I just don't want to anymore. I don't LIKE having to be so cold. It upsets me to tell them to fuck off, even if I say it in a nicer way... because yes, I do care... but it doesn't change the fact that I refuse to forgive you. Because I've already forgiven you, many times, and it would be stupid to do it again. And I'm not stupid. Or maybe I am. Because for some reason I keep hoping no one else will do it, but I'm secretly just waiting for it. Because everyone disappoints eventually. I keep giving people the ability to do it... WHY!? I should just push everyone away. Take a page from other peoples books. One person does it, what's to stop anyone else right? Or maybe I could take the blame for all of it. Everything bad that happened was my fault? No. I'm sure a good portion of it was, I mean I'm 25... but people just suck in general. I spent enough time beating myself up for things that weren't my fault and I won't do it anymore. I'm tired of worrying about other people. Guys anyway. You don't give a shit about me? Fine, I don't give a shit about you either. There's only so much one person can take. The off and on bullshit... I can't do it. I won't. I'm done playing. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I just want to get on with my life. I'm about to be fucking divorced. I have enough bullshit on my plate without having to deal with head games.

I need to get as far away from this town as possible, and you can bet your ass as soon as I figure out how, I'll be gone and I won't ever look back. Fuck this shit.

You know why women are "heartless monsters"? Because we have to be, just to protect ourselves from the men like the men that have already fucked us over more than what was bearable.

Oh the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, with the words I love you rolling off my tongue.

Rod Stewart - Rhythm of My Heart <3

So there is a lot I want to say. But I shouldn't say MOST of it at least, so I think I'm going to have to refrain. At least somewhat.

I've been pretty good lately. A lot better than what's normal for me.

I filed for divorce. I can't remember if I said that already or not, but I did. We finalize October 15. Mom's going with me to court. Which is awesome, I was pretty nervous about it. I've never been in court for anything and I didn't wanna go by myself. So she offered to take off work for a few hours and go with me, because she said going to any kind of court alone sucks. <3 Thanks mommy! So anyway, filed about two weeks ago... and suddenly last week Jon wanted to "hang out". Which honestly, freaked me out kind of a lot. Why now? It's been 7 months, we've barely spoken in that time, and it's hardly been civil. But he begged and pleaded, so I went ONCE. Talked to him for a little bit, about what went wrong and things that have happened and things like that. It wasn't too bad.. it felt like closing to me. Apparently that wasn't what it was for him. He said he just wanted the time we had left with me... but there isn't any time. We may not finalize until Oct. 15.. but as far as either one of us should be concerned, it's over. He doesn't even have to go to court with me, so as far as he should be concerned, we're divorced. So anyway, he asked if we could hang out again the next day, I said no. He showed up at my work. He wouldn't take no for an answer... he said after he was done in Hillsboro, he was going to come pick me up, So I went and hid out at Thousand Trails with mom until she got off. The next day, he showed up at my work again, only a LOT earlier. Usually people being in my office for a little while is okay.. but he was there for nearly three hours, and I was actually working. I had a lot to do.. and listening to him go on about how he wanted to try again and things would be different for nearly three hours was almost more than I could handle. Partially because I don't believe things would be different, and partially because I just don't want to do it again. I hated being married, not just to him.. in general. I will never do it again. Ever. It was a mess. Finally I had to be mean and say that we were never getting back together. ever. That I was done, there was no more him and I, I wasn't going to try again, it was over. For good. He kept saying he needed me... Well I'm sorry, but I can't. He finally stopped when I stopped being nice about it. It was almost more than I could handle. But I've noticed lately, I can handle a lot more than usual. My composure the last few weeks is pretty damn awesome. I feel in control. I love it.

So to the good part. I've been spending a lot of time with a friend... that I really like. Something I said to Jon though, I think I meant it. I told him that I don't know if I could ever go into something fully again. I'm not afraid, I just don't think I have it in me to do that again. I mean, I've already said I'll never get married again and that is the truth... but I'm not 100% sure I'm even ready to date or anything. I'm not sure it would be fair. I'm a bit too guarded now. I can accept that everyone is on their own. I can't count on anyone and I'm okay with that I think. Relationships require being able to count on the other person... and I don't think I have it in me to even try to count on anyone. Which is probably why the semi distance I have going with said friend, is easier than it ordinarily would be for me. He doesn't want a relationship, and I'm okay with that. On the other hand... it's all I think about. But it occurred to me earlier, I've not had a normal relationship since high school. I mean think about it, every relationship I've been in in the last 7 years, has been jump right in with complete seriousness and live together. Malachi, was the first after high school. I met him in a fucking airport. I was moving to Alaska, had a layover in Seattle, and he was going to Washington. We were making out on the plane before it even took off. haha. Then the next few months were phone calls constantly, me moving back to Whitney, him coming to visit for a week, and then me moving to Washington...twice. That isn't healthy. The next serious one, was Johnathan. We talked ONLINE... I mean we knew each other as kids.. but we hadn't seen each other in years.. we talked online for a few months, and then I moved to Wyoming to live with him. That one actually probably almost worked but it didn't so whatever I guess. Then we moved back down here and he lived with me until we broke up. Then Jon. We didn't live together at first... but we were together all the time, then he was spending the night every night, until he finally just moved his stuff in and we got married. All of those relationships lasted two years. But not a single one of them was at all healthy. What happened to dating? I've never just dated anyone. Except in high school I guess but there was really only one. So I guess what I want, and what I'm ready for... Is a calm relationship. A normal one. I want things to be how they are now (with friend that I like) but maybe go out every once in a while... throw in some physical contact... Like hand holding, cuddling, hugging, making out, and eventually sex.. but not live together, or even see each other every day. Although the not seeing each other every day part might be a tad difficult for me.

I know this post has been pretty contradictory. I guess I'm not really sure what I want.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. I'm in a good mood, but not to extremes. OH!!! AND HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!! WOOO!!! haha. I hope you all are doing good too :). Good night.

Brandi