So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wild and I never saw you coming. And I'll never be the same.

Taylor Swift - State of Grace

So Thanksgiving is next week. Awesome. I don't understand why this family can't just have a normal Thanksgiving anymore. The last... 8 years... have had totally fucked Thanksgivings. Seriously. We've either been at TRF freaking CAMPING...which.. don't get me wrong I like camping.. but not for Thanksgiving. OR I've been in another state alone. This year? We aren't going to TRF... no instead, I get to get up before dawn, cook a turkey, and take it out to Thousand Trails where mom works, to do Thanksgiving there, at 10 am. Really? *sighs*, then Christi has to work so I'll probably spend the rest of the day sitting in my room pretending it's not Thanksgiving. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the holidays? Because I really do. Oh, you know what last Thanksgiving wasn't so bad, we did it at Christi's when she lived in Waco... but even that wasn't normal. Then again, what's really normal? I don't know.. I just really hate the holidays. After Halloween... seriously the rest of the year can pretty much suck it as far as I'm concerned. I hate Thanksgiving, I hate Christmas... I REALLY hate Christmas. It's so depressing. I'm alone, and miserable and... it just sucks. Just thinking about it is bumming me out like whoa. I want a puppy. With a bow. Lol. A fluffy one, that's gonna be big.

So onto other awful subjects. Boys. Jesus, sometimes I really hate my life. Why does no one like me? Am I really that much of a pain in the ass? And I swear, I'm so sick of hearing the same shit over and over from different people. Why can't they just be more upfront. "I just don't like you." would go a long way with me. Rather than "I don't wanna just jump into anything." Or "I'm not looking for a relationship" and then turn around and talk about how lonely you are. Fuck you. Seriously. It's not like I want to marry your ass. I don't ever wanna get married again.. I just want someone to hang out with, that I can at least tolerate being around, who will talk to me, and cuddle with me, and have sex with me regularly. Is that REALLY so difficult? That isn't THAT much to ask I don't think... and although I've gotten pickier about who I can tolerate being around... seriously I'm pretty low maintenance most of the time. Mostly, because I just don't give a shit about anything. You know I haven't cried, REALLY cried... In weeks. I'm much happier since I moved out. But I'm thoroughly annoyed I can't find a damn boyfriend. Seriously it's not like you even have to take me out or anything.. just come hang out with me, chat... watch TV or something.. occasional sex.. maybe spend the night every once in a while... Low maintenance. I don't get it. I'm just sick of being alone all the damn time. And I get that I can be needy as hell... but really who isn't? But whatever I guess. I give up. I'm not longer speaking to anyone of the male persuasion anymore unless they talk to me first. You can all just go fuck yourselves as far as I'm concerned.

There is one in particular I like a lot... pretty sure that one is lumped with all the rest. Zero interest in me. Whatever. I don't even fucking care. I don't even know why HE is the one I attached to... I mean.. he's really cute.. and amuses me.. I like being around him and stuff.. but... I dunno. The whole situation is just really stupid and irritating to me. I don't wanna talk about that. I'm gonna get mad lol.

New house is great. Like I said, I'm much happier here. I dunno why really.. maybe because there's always someone to talk to or hang out with... my room is really bright because of all the windows... I get to see Puck more often and play with him. It's pretty awesome. I can walk to work.. and I do... everyday. Plus Rhayvn and I have been walking in the afternoons, that's been fun. I like hanging out with her. Even though I'm about 90% sure she thinks I'm batshit crazy.. but hey, I'm fun! Lol. Puck seems happier too. He always has someone to play with or to pet him. He's so sweet. So much sweeter than Christi and Michael's cats haha. Plus, I like living in town. Dunno why.. Just do. I like sitting on the porch with Christi and/or Rhayvn and watching the cars go by lol. It's oddly relaxing.

I like Taylor Swifts new album. It's pretty cool. At least like.. 8 out of the 16. Lol.

Oh! Dustin is probably coming home from boot camp in the next two weeks. I can't wait to see him! He's so full of awesome, and I've missed him a lot. He's fun. Lol.

Anyway.. I dunno what else to say really. I'm pretty bummed about the boy situation... and the stupid holidays.. but other than that, I'm good. So guess I'll go for now.

Brandi

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful. You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see. You turn every head, but you don't see me. I'll put a spell on you. You'll fall asleep, and I'll put a spell on you. And when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see, and you'll realize that you love me.

Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung

Happy Halloween!!! Wish I could say it was. But the only thought I seem to be capable of at the moment is " SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! FUCK! SHIT! SON OF A BITCH!!!! AHHHHHH"

Think I messed up. Which is nothing new, I fuck up all the time. But I may have REALLY fucked up this time. I'm waiting... maybe I didn't. Maybe it'll all be okay. But I can't ignore this sinking feeling, that says it's irreparable. But I wasn't mean to anyone this time. It wasn't me getting mad and blowing up. My temper is fully in check. FUCK.

Lol... I keep like... staring off into space and thinking... and the end of every thought... not even the end because I can't seem to have complete sentence thoughts, ends in swearing. Most of the morning was me muttering to myself "son of a BITCH". Apparently I've moved on to "fuck." but it's more drawn out... more like fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk. UGH. Please please please please please don't let me be right about this. Please say I didn't fuck up horribly. Please please please please please. I'll do anything. Just someone make it okay. I need to be slapped. Seriously. Who does this shit!? God but it was... fuck! Ahhhh!!!!

I gotta go. Have a good day... shit...

Brandi


***Update
So everything is fine. Per usual I was freaking out over nothing. So why am I so depressed now? I didn't want it to go bad... I'm glad it's fine...I feel....defeated though. =(

Walkin' down this rocky road, wondering where my life is leading, rollin' on to the bitter end. Findin' out along the way what it takes to keep love living, you should know how it feels my friend.

Bad Company - Ready For Love

Soo I don't remember when my last post was, I probably should have looked but I didn't, get over it. lol I guess it's been a while. Simply because I can't remember what the last thing I talked about was, but a lot has happened.

I moved out. I've been in the "new" house for a few days now. My room is all set up... about 95% anyway. Christi, Michael, Rhavyn and I are renting the churches rent house. I can literally walk to work now.. and it takes a lot less than than driving used to haha. Saves me gas too, which lets face it, I'm really going to need lol. But I have my own room, and it's pretty big room too considering I think it's actually supposed to be some sort of sun room.. judging by the 6 freaking windows... and I have a fireplace! Kinda.. lol I'll post pics at the end of this. But I like it. And Puck has more room to run around, and there's always people for him to be around and 2 other cats so he won't be lonely anymore. Although I was gone for a long time today and he hasn't left my side since I got home.. but that could be because I left him alone at moms for two days and he missed me.. and thinks I'm going to abandon him :/ I couldn't take him before Sunday though. The doors were open I didn't want him running off. But I think this will be good.

I don't know if I said before, but I'm planning on starting college in January. I'm waiting for an IRS form to come in from last year to give to the school and financial aid, and then I'll give them the rest of the paper work they need too. This is contingent on house much financial aid I get though. I'm hopeful like most people there'll be some left after I pay for classes and books and I can knock out a few bills for a semester... if not, I can't do the school thing and I'll probably end up getting a 2nd job. Brandi is poor. And since I have MORE bills now.. it's going to be a lot worse. But I think I can handle it... things are just going to be REALLY tight. Something had to be done... so I did it.

I've accomplished a lot this year I think. I've made a few really good moves towards improvement. Don't get me wrong, this year sucked.. it's been really hard. But I'm okay. And it's not often I can say that, but really.. I'm okay. I haven't felt really bad in a while and even the things that would normally send me over the edge are just.. whatever. Example? I went to the DMV today to switch my drivers licence back to my maiden name, and change my address (which cost less than I thought it was going to, woot!) then decided to drive to Cleburne to switch my social security card. I took 171 which is odd because I've only gone that way ONCE in my life. Well I got pulled over in Covington. And got a ticket... in a school zone. I wasn't even speeding the sign had JUST changed to 55... but he insisted it hadn't and I was going 41 in a 35. Dick. I've never gotten a ticket in my life. Not even that time I was doing 70 in a 50. So I'm annoyed, but what can I do right? So I accept it, and continue driving. I kept control. Then I get to Cleburne, to find that the social security office closed at 3:30. It's 4. Now tell me why the fuck a government office would close so early?! Ugh! So I call mom. I'm pissed at this point. I spent about 5 minutes crying to her on the phone, and then I just.. calmed down. and I'm fine. And my mood only improved from there. I got a few groceries, stopped by moms and chatted for a bit, and came home. Oh and I got to moms, and had a letter from Dustin! That always makes me happy. He's doing much better, which is good. I'm happy for him.=)

Sooo I kinda quit smoking. Dunno if I mentioned that before. I switched to this... e cig thing but it's got liquid in it that's flavored. Granted I've been cheating quite a bit lately... I'm in a much better mood, but I'm still pretty stressed out. Lol who wouldn't be? I have twice the bills I had before. Anything goes wrong (like getting a speeding ticket) and I'm fucked. and not in the fun way. lol.

Moms Halloween party was Saturday. It wasn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Thanks to people. =D

But seriously, things are pretty good. Stressful, but good. I have this feeling, that everything is going to be okay. Ergo, not worrying about it too much. But there's a boy I kinda like... trying to keep myself in check on that front is never easy so we'll see how that goes. I'm not so good with the go with it and see... I don't possess a lot of patience. I like to just jump into things. But that isn't really an option here. So we shall try and not be full of crazy ^_^. haha. But he seems all kinda shy and it's cute. He's cute. And he was crazy sweet the day I met him. I hope he likes me =/

On another note, yesterday was interesting. I was sick.. but in a weird way. I was FREEZING... I literally could not get warm. Everyone kept saying it was REALLY hot in my room and I just could not get warmed up. And then there was the tired... I was soooo tired. Being out of bed for even a little while made me feel like I was going to pass out.. Other than that I was fine, until about 9 ish...I got up and as soon as I stood up felt sick to my stomach... then I got a headache.. laid back down... and then got back up to puke. Wasn't nice. Then I woke up this morning and was totally fine. What the hell?? Was the weirdest "sick" I've ever been. Oh, and I did have a fever yesterday. I dunno how high... two people felt my head and said I felt hot, but that it was hot in my room... my hands and feet were like ice, and I was cold all over.. there's no way it was just from the heat in my room. Also, my lips are all burny today.. which usually means I've had a fever. A significant one. That's the only time my lips ever do that burning nearly chapped thing is when I've had a fever.

Anyway, things are good. But I'm tired. Later!!!

Brandi

Oh! Pics of muh room! Lol I've moved a few things since then.. but generally.. here tis

You push me. I don't have the strength to resist or control you, take me down, take me down. You hurt me, but do I deserve this? You make me so nervous, calm me down, calm me down.

Never Gonna Leave This Bed - Maroon 5

I'd give anything to leave this place. To run, drive, walk, fly... whatever anywhere that isn't here. Somewhere with mountains, and snow. Somewhere I could wander off into no where, and just sit there staring out at mountainous awesomeness in front of me. Where there were no responsibilities, no worry, no care, no pain, no sadness just... scenery, and cool, clean mountain air. Somewhere I wouldn't need anyone to talk to, because my company would be nature. I could be happy there. Puck would have to go too obviously. But he wouldn't be afraid. Like me, he'd just sit and take it all in. Maybe run around and play like he does, but he'd be happy. And when the sun starts to set, he'd climb into my lap and let me pet him, and he'd just purr away... both of us completely serene. I think I'd even be okay with no Internet, or phone, or TV.

I could do it. I could run away. I could go out into nowhere and just live. I wouldn't need money. other than to get there.. surely I could find things to eat and drink. I could figure out how to make shelter. I'd probably at least take a pillow and blanket though haha. And of course Puck, my trusty cat companion. People do it all the time, right? And I would be literally giving everything I have. My social life.. or lack of, rather... everything I own (except pillow and blanket, cat, and maybe some clothes..) Puck doesn't really eat... meat like things though. I wonder if he'd be okay eating birds and what not. He's never had to be a hunter so I'd have to do it for him probably... take a knife or something.... might take some persuading to get him to eat it too. Such a picky cat. How could this not be a tremendous idea? Just go....

The downside, is me being afraid of the dark. And the things IN the dark. Good chance of being mauled by a bear...or Puck being eaten by some wild animal.. or hell even me being eaten by a wild animal. Maybe we'll live in a tree. I bet Puck could live with that. I haven't a clue how to make a tree house or whatever. Hell in most cases I can't even climb trees. Maybe a cave. I bet I could find a good cave to live in. I actually really like that idea. The cave idea. Could even make a door of some sort to keep out unwanted animals so Puck doesn't get eaten.

Then there's the whole.. people would probably be looking for me thing. I imagine I'd get in pretty big trouble if anyone found me.... sooo I'll just not be found. =) I really like this idea. I need to come up with like a solid plan... but it could be good. I could totally be a wilderness person. I've been homeless before. Food might be a tad difficult due to the fact that I've never hunted.. pretty sure I can't kill anything.. and I have no idea what types of vegetation are edible in the wild. But I can learn. Or I'll die. Whatever really.

Brandi

And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again. Cause I have other things to fill my time. You take what's yours and I'll take what's mine. Now let me at the truth which will refresh my broken mind.

 Mumford & Sons - The Cave

I have a lot to say, and yet nothing at all. Guess I'll start with today...

So it's the 15th, meaning I had court this morning and I'm officially divorced. Officially Brandi Goddard again. Didn't bother me near as much as I expected it to. Weird.
I also quit smoking. Mostly. Not today... but Saturday. I opened a pack Saturday, and I still have most of it. I switched to this smoke juice stuff... it's flavored. I only had one real cigarette today.. and it was disgusting.. kinda made me sick to my stomach even. Plus this smoke juice stuff is going to save me a lot of money, so that's good. I think I like the Butter Rum one the most. It's pretty good.... kinda like... caramel.. but not. Lol I dunno.

So some pretty awful stuff happened. But I can't really talk about it. Saturday night. I feel like I don't really have the right to be upset about it.. because I got myself into it. But it scared the piss out of me.. and I am considerably upset... although not, at the same time. If that makes any sense. I feel like I'm handling it pretty well. As long as I don't really think about it. When I do I feel like I'm gonna breakdown but then my mind shifts to something else and I'm fine. Puck really is an amazing cat. I got home that night, showered and got into bed.. and he was right there... I laid there crying and he like... laid in front of my face and put his paw on me.. purred really loudly and he stayed there until I fell asleep. It was kind of comforting. I love him so much. He really is the best.

Through all that, what I feel the most is... disconnected. That couldn't possibly have actually happened. Maybe it was a nightmare. It probably didn't even last that long but it felt like forever. But most of all, I feel stupid. I'm so mad at myself. I'm too trusting. And I don't even know why, I mean it's not like anyone has ever done anything to gain my trust... except a few friends (girls)... but guys... why am I so quick to trust? Especially with my past... you'd think I'd have this incredible unbreakable wall of... something unbreakable. But I don't... if I have a wall at all it's made of tissue paper. And then there's the confusion. I don't understand. :( ... but it's my fault. It's all my fault because I should have just stayed home. I should just always stay home. I should stop believing anything guys say to me. I'm an idiot.

I'm going to college. Starting in January. Gonna get my financial aid stuff in sometime this week along with my admissions application to Hill. No idea what I'm going to go for though. I was going to do microbiology until I realized how much math was involved and that there was a good chance I'd have to kill/dissect animals...I can't do that. I don't touch dead things, and I can't kill anything. So now I haven't a clue. Maybe just a certificate program, but what? I was looking into ones that were TSI waived, meaning I won't have to retake the math accuplacer, OR do a developmental math class. There are only a few.. but I don't know which to go for. I have time though. She said she can still put me in classes up to a week after they start, so as long as I get my financial aid stuff set up, I'll be fine. It seems so far away. Like it won't really happen. I won't really get there. I'll never get out of this town, and I'll always be poor.

I'm so sad.. and for once, I don't even care that I'm alone. Because I don't really have anything to say. And I think my days of trust are over. From here on out, everything is suspect. Nothing is safe. That's how it should have been all along.

Brandi

If terror falls upon your bed, and sleep no longer comes, remember all the words I said.

The Fray - Be Still

I don't know what's wrong. Today I just feel.. disconnected. I don't wanna talk to anyone, I don't wanna see anyone, I don't want anything. Nothing feels real. This is what I imagine hell would be like for me, if there is one. My hell wouldn't be fire. It would be dark, cold, and alone. It would be wandering around no where, with no one, with nothing, forever. The things that make me sad, the things that remind me of how cold the world is would be there.. silhouettes of sadness all around me. That would be my hell. Or maybe not, maybe that's reality. That's how things look to me anyway. So maybe I'm dead, and this is hell. Except there are still people here, people I love... but I still feel completely alone. Everything feels cold, and dark.. even when the sun is out.

So my brother in law went to my sisters for a week. My parents are leaving for vacation in a few days and I'll be here alone. For four days. Completely alone.. with no one. I'm an adult I should be able to handle that. But the closer it gets, the sadder I get. I don't handle being alone very well.

I don't even know how to describe with words how I feel right now. Maybe a Harry Potter reference.. Dementors. Like all the happiness has been sucked from the world, and I'll never be happy again. But thanks to my occasional brain malfunction, I can't remember what it feels like. I can't remember ever being happy a day in my life. I can't remember what anything feels like, except how I feel right now. Which is... indescribably sad.

I don't have a real reason for it. I just woke up like this today, and as the day drags on, the worse I feel. I even double dosed my gaba. It didn't work. Jon has cancer. That isn't the reason for this though. I don't even really care that he pretty much told me I shouldn't care. I did.. but I don't now. I don't care about anything. At all. I feel... totally dead inside. My life is like being trapped in a nightmare I can't wake from... I don't even know that I want to wake up.

You paint me a blue sky, then go back and turn it to rain. And I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday.

Taylor Swift - Dear John

So that last post was a little...dramatic. I'm okay now. I was freaking out about the wrong things.. things that don't matter. I honestly don't care that much about any of that. I am really stressed out... but it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

I really need to either find a second job, or just get a full time one that pays more. I'm really suffering. I can't live like this.. I know I've said that about a thousand times but it's still the truth. I'm sick of having to borrow money from my parents just so I can make my bills... I'm sick of having to live with them. I'm 25 I need to be on my own, and I have no idea how to change that. I've been looking, applying other places but no one calls.  I'm drowning here. And even if I did get better financially, then what? Move out? Alone? I'm not even sure I could handle that. Parents are going on vacation soon, I'll be alone for about a week.. what the hell am I going to do? I can't go that long without human contact and God knows no one's going to hang out with me. And why would they? I freak out every few days or so and take it out on innocent by standers. I'm not that exciting anyway.

My divorce is bothering me too. Don't get me wrong, I know it's right, and it's a good thing.. but it doesn't make it hurt any less. All I ever really wanted from my life, was to get married and have kids. I know.. why don't I just set myself back to pre-women's lib.. but still, that's what I wanted. Well I got married.. that blew up in my face horribly, and I can't have kids. So really, what's the point now? I suck at being a wife.. and I'll never be a mother. I'll never get married again.. but still I failed. I could have.. tried harder or something I don't know. I'm scared about court... and tired of being alone.. so poor I can't walk across the street and so stressed out I feel like I can't breathe about 90% of the time. Literally... It's like someones reached into my chest and are squeezing the hell out of my lungs/heart all that. It hurts. It's all I can do not to be crying all the time, so as a result.. I've been sleeping more than usual. I'm so tired anyway, but I know it's the stress. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it... I don't know that there is a fix.

I spent so much time, years ago, running away. It was fun, I learned a lot.. but life follows you wherever you go. The same problems, or different ones. People have always told me... battered me with even, that things get better.. but they don't. At best, things change, to a different hell. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm.. drowning. Even my gaba stuff doesn't seem to be helping anymore. No one can help me, and I don't know how to help me, or if I can be helped.. it's scary. I just feel so bad, all the time. In general, and for bringing the people around me down with me. I don't mean to.. I just get overwhelmed and it happens. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm trying, I really am... but the point of it all.. is oblivious to me.

Brandi

I'm three steps from the edge. Don't push me over it. Don'tcha know don'tcha know? Every girl is capable of murder, if ya hurt her. Watch out you don't push me any further, any further.

Cady Groves - This Little Girl

You know what? I've had it. I'm sick to death of being jacked around and fucked with. Ex's randomly showing up... other people who have no right to speak to me anymore thinking I'll just forgive them in a heartbeat... and then there's the head games. I think I love those most of all. I don't know, it's probably just me. I'm incapable of just being friends with guys. I'm tired of having to compromise my feelings for everyone else. Why should I have to change? Why should I have to pretend I don't care? Why should I forgive anyone that's fucked me over in the past? Why should I do anything for anyone ever? It's fucking hard. I really can be a cold bitch, but I've had to be. And I will continue to do so until someone can show me I don't have to anymore. I've had it. Seriously. Someone that hurt me, needed me. Sorry, fuck off. That's pretty much what I did there. And I did it again to someone else today. Why the fuck should I give a shit about anything you say? Why should I give a shit about YOUR needs when mine were ignored? You can go fuck yourselves. I can handle a lot, I really can.. but I shouldn't have to. I think I've dealt with enough to last a life time and I just don't want to anymore. I don't LIKE having to be so cold. It upsets me to tell them to fuck off, even if I say it in a nicer way... because yes, I do care... but it doesn't change the fact that I refuse to forgive you. Because I've already forgiven you, many times, and it would be stupid to do it again. And I'm not stupid. Or maybe I am. Because for some reason I keep hoping no one else will do it, but I'm secretly just waiting for it. Because everyone disappoints eventually. I keep giving people the ability to do it... WHY!? I should just push everyone away. Take a page from other peoples books. One person does it, what's to stop anyone else right? Or maybe I could take the blame for all of it. Everything bad that happened was my fault? No. I'm sure a good portion of it was, I mean I'm 25... but people just suck in general. I spent enough time beating myself up for things that weren't my fault and I won't do it anymore. I'm tired of worrying about other people. Guys anyway. You don't give a shit about me? Fine, I don't give a shit about you either. There's only so much one person can take. The off and on bullshit... I can't do it. I won't. I'm done playing. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I just want to get on with my life. I'm about to be fucking divorced. I have enough bullshit on my plate without having to deal with head games.

I need to get as far away from this town as possible, and you can bet your ass as soon as I figure out how, I'll be gone and I won't ever look back. Fuck this shit.

You know why women are "heartless monsters"? Because we have to be, just to protect ourselves from the men like the men that have already fucked us over more than what was bearable.

Oh the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum, with the words I love you rolling off my tongue.

Rod Stewart - Rhythm of My Heart <3

So there is a lot I want to say. But I shouldn't say MOST of it at least, so I think I'm going to have to refrain. At least somewhat.

I've been pretty good lately. A lot better than what's normal for me.

I filed for divorce. I can't remember if I said that already or not, but I did. We finalize October 15. Mom's going with me to court. Which is awesome, I was pretty nervous about it. I've never been in court for anything and I didn't wanna go by myself. So she offered to take off work for a few hours and go with me, because she said going to any kind of court alone sucks. <3 Thanks mommy! So anyway, filed about two weeks ago... and suddenly last week Jon wanted to "hang out". Which honestly, freaked me out kind of a lot. Why now? It's been 7 months, we've barely spoken in that time, and it's hardly been civil. But he begged and pleaded, so I went ONCE. Talked to him for a little bit, about what went wrong and things that have happened and things like that. It wasn't too bad.. it felt like closing to me. Apparently that wasn't what it was for him. He said he just wanted the time we had left with me... but there isn't any time. We may not finalize until Oct. 15.. but as far as either one of us should be concerned, it's over. He doesn't even have to go to court with me, so as far as he should be concerned, we're divorced. So anyway, he asked if we could hang out again the next day, I said no. He showed up at my work. He wouldn't take no for an answer... he said after he was done in Hillsboro, he was going to come pick me up, So I went and hid out at Thousand Trails with mom until she got off. The next day, he showed up at my work again, only a LOT earlier. Usually people being in my office for a little while is okay.. but he was there for nearly three hours, and I was actually working. I had a lot to do.. and listening to him go on about how he wanted to try again and things would be different for nearly three hours was almost more than I could handle. Partially because I don't believe things would be different, and partially because I just don't want to do it again. I hated being married, not just to him.. in general. I will never do it again. Ever. It was a mess. Finally I had to be mean and say that we were never getting back together. ever. That I was done, there was no more him and I, I wasn't going to try again, it was over. For good. He kept saying he needed me... Well I'm sorry, but I can't. He finally stopped when I stopped being nice about it. It was almost more than I could handle. But I've noticed lately, I can handle a lot more than usual. My composure the last few weeks is pretty damn awesome. I feel in control. I love it.

So to the good part. I've been spending a lot of time with a friend... that I really like. Something I said to Jon though, I think I meant it. I told him that I don't know if I could ever go into something fully again. I'm not afraid, I just don't think I have it in me to do that again. I mean, I've already said I'll never get married again and that is the truth... but I'm not 100% sure I'm even ready to date or anything. I'm not sure it would be fair. I'm a bit too guarded now. I can accept that everyone is on their own. I can't count on anyone and I'm okay with that I think. Relationships require being able to count on the other person... and I don't think I have it in me to even try to count on anyone. Which is probably why the semi distance I have going with said friend, is easier than it ordinarily would be for me. He doesn't want a relationship, and I'm okay with that. On the other hand... it's all I think about. But it occurred to me earlier, I've not had a normal relationship since high school. I mean think about it, every relationship I've been in in the last 7 years, has been jump right in with complete seriousness and live together. Malachi, was the first after high school. I met him in a fucking airport. I was moving to Alaska, had a layover in Seattle, and he was going to Washington. We were making out on the plane before it even took off. haha. Then the next few months were phone calls constantly, me moving back to Whitney, him coming to visit for a week, and then me moving to Washington...twice. That isn't healthy. The next serious one, was Johnathan. We talked ONLINE... I mean we knew each other as kids.. but we hadn't seen each other in years.. we talked online for a few months, and then I moved to Wyoming to live with him. That one actually probably almost worked but it didn't so whatever I guess. Then we moved back down here and he lived with me until we broke up. Then Jon. We didn't live together at first... but we were together all the time, then he was spending the night every night, until he finally just moved his stuff in and we got married. All of those relationships lasted two years. But not a single one of them was at all healthy. What happened to dating? I've never just dated anyone. Except in high school I guess but there was really only one. So I guess what I want, and what I'm ready for... Is a calm relationship. A normal one. I want things to be how they are now (with friend that I like) but maybe go out every once in a while... throw in some physical contact... Like hand holding, cuddling, hugging, making out, and eventually sex.. but not live together, or even see each other every day. Although the not seeing each other every day part might be a tad difficult for me.

I know this post has been pretty contradictory. I guess I'm not really sure what I want.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. I'm in a good mood, but not to extremes. OH!!! AND HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!! WOOO!!! haha. I hope you all are doing good too :). Good night.

Brandi

I'll never catch a shooting star, or call you out on who you really are. I know I'm not the one you wanna win, It's a losing game, so I'm losing it. And I'm surprised we got this far with that barricade, but I want more. I would be a fool to let you let me quit.

Cady Groves - Real With Me

It's raining today. I love the rain. I say that, I've slept all day. Like literally all day. I got up about 9am, went back to bed about 11, slept til 2:15, got back up until ... 5? And then slept til 8. I'm still tired. I could totally sleep more. But I don't know if it's the rain, or if I'm sad, or just tired. Maybe it's a combination of both. Who knows. I woke up this last time because Puck got up on my desk and laid on the keyboard, which was making my computer beep all kinds of loud. I had a lot of really weird screens to close when I got up. So before my last nap I watched this video a friend sent me... it was weird. And then after the last one I went for a drive. I wanted to drive more, but I left without enough cigarettes, oops. Oh well I guess. I probably shouldn't be wasting my gas anyway, but I'm so tired of sitting at the house.

So I think I've kept a pretty good hold on my emotions lately. I'm not 100% sure on that honestly, It feels like it to me, but I suppose you'd have to ask the people I talk to regularly. They might feel differently, who knows.

On a more positive and exciting note, HALLOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!! <3
I realize it's only August... but the dollar store has their Halloween stuff out. I saw it a few days ago and almost had a seizure in the isle. haha. I love Halloween so much.

So on top of it raining today, the temperature was also at normal, nice proportions. I don't think it even hit 80 today and that is fucking fantastic. It's about 70 out right now. It makes it feel like fall is finally coming. I love fall so much. I know this won't last though, It's going to get hot again. This is Texas after all. It's weird though, I really love the rain, and the cool weather, and I love fall SO much it's unreal... so why do the things that I love make me so sad? Because I am. I'm trying so hard to be positive and happy right now, but I don't feel it. And it's like that every year. As soon as fall gets close, I start getting sadder than normal. It doesn't make any sense. How can something I love so much, make me so sad? I don't know, maybe it's just because I haven't had my brain vitamin in a few days.

I got sick. Mom's stomach bug or whatever. That was pretty awful. I'm better now, but I skipped my vitamins for a few days because of it. Which I suppose means I'm more susceptible to my crazy peeking it's ugly head out and ruining every ones lives. haha.

Oh!!! I filed for divorce! I have court October 15th to finalize. Cross your fingers I didn't do anything wrong and it doesn't get thrown out. lol

Also demons... everyone talking to me lately about demons is kind of freaking me out. And on that note, I'm gonna go. Have fun! Hope everyone else had a nice cool day like we did.

Brandi

Fragment ideas and too many pronouns. Stop it, come on, you're not making sense now. You can't make them want you they're all just laughing.

Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves at New Jersey

Today sucked to epic proportions. It's still early, I'm sure it'll get worse. I haven't taken it out on anyone yet though, so that's good I guess. And I went shopping, that made me feel better while I was doing it... and then I was driving home and the tears came back... and they've been off and on since I got home.

So, on to what happened.

I got paid Monday, but it wasn't right. I'm terrible at math, but fuck with my paycheck even a cent and I'm going to notice and freak out. Well this was $100 dollars off from what I thought it was going to be. Not cool, I needed that money. I stayed pretty calm, waited until I found out what happened before I started freaking out. So the lady that does my paycheck finally calls me back today. Apparently, my "raise" was not to $10 an hour like I thought. They switched me to salary without telling me. $1000 a month. Which is all well and good, except for some months, I made more than that. For instance, this month, August, if I was still being paid how I was, I would have made $1035. But nope, I'm losing that $35. So when I found out I was not getting the rest of my check... I started freaking out. I left work for about half an hour to go see mom at her job, and be hysterical. She gave me some money to do what I needed to do (and now I feel like shit), in exchange for me doing certain chores once a week all month. So I go back to work, intending to confront them, and then leave for the day. My boss was in a meeting, so I waited.... glaring at my desk, fighting back tears... for two hours. Finally by the time I get to talk to them, there's like 20 minutes left in my day. I explained the situation, they said they'd fix it. Whatever.

So then I went over to Hillsboro, got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and a bottle of perfume. That made me feel better, then I cried all the way home. On top of all that, guys. I'd rather not elaborate on that part...but it hurt. Both counts. So there's that to add to my already craptastic day.

Oh but that still isn't all of it. So I'm sitting here on the computer when I got home... being upset over the guy portion of my day, since there's really no use in being upset about the job part.... they both leave... and then my mom. I guess she absorbed my mood because she's all tears and shit too, which in turn made me cry, yet again, while trying to make HER feel better. My head hurts.

Then there's my friend (who's a girl) texting me asking if I want to sleep with this one asshole guy. I've told her for days no, HELL NO. In fact, when he asked her to ask me the first day I told her to tell him, "Not if you were the last man on earth, I'd rather fuck a cactus." and yet he still asks. Insanity. She texts me today all "why not? I know he was a dick before but blah blah blah." NO. I'm not like that anymore! I am sick of people treating me like shit! I'm sick of guys using me, and then being assholes. Why can't people just be fucking nice to me?! She's literally still arguing with me about it. What part of 'not gonna happen ever' is she not getting??? I really can't take much more of this day.

So I'm considering trying to get ahead on my car payments and just moving to Georgetown and hope I get a job quickly. I'm also considering taking Friday off, and driving down there Thursday night and spending Friday looking for a job, but it all seems kind of pointless. Not to mention, if something goes wrong then I'm really screwed.. and something will go wrong, because it always does.

I feel so incredibly alone. I probably should go to Georgetown this weekend regardless... simply because I'm desperate for human interaction. And I do miss my sister. On the other hand I feel like shit and the likely hood that I'll feel better by this weekend is slim to none. Something pretty awesome would have to happen, and I'm gonna doubt it.

Oh, I dyed my hair. Well, part of it. I got a color as close to my natural color as possible, and dyed the difference. Which means the top like 5 inches of my hair are still natural.. the rest is close. Then tomorrow mom is going to low light it for me. Should be good. 

Anyway, I don't have anything else to bitch about really, since that's pretty much all this ever is anymore. I hate my life. <3

Brandi

I'm only pretty sure, that I can't take anymore. Before you take a swing I wonder, what are we fighting for? When I say outloud I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss? I wonder how it's gonna be when you don't know me. How's it gonna be, when you're sure I'm not there? How's it gonna be when there's no one there to talk to between you and me cuz I don't care.

Third Eye Blind - How's It Going To Be

I've been so angry. I'm always angry. I honestly cannot remember a time, since I was like 13 fucking years old that I have not been at least a little angry. Anger is a hard emotion to get rid of. My reasons for being angry have changed a lot since then, but still the anger stays. And I don't deal with it, so of course it festers until I snap at some poor unsuspecting person. Usually when it's not even their fault. I just don't know where to direct it so the very slightest bit of frustration I get from them I point every ounce of anger I have and pull the trigger so to speak. I hate that about myself. Lately more so than ever before. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to not turn every little emotion I have into some huge fucking ordeal and take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it even slightly. But a few of my friends have pointed out to me at least something. Everything bothers me so damn much, because I massively over analyze EVERYTHING. Every word, action, thought...gets analyzed into the ground until I'm so confused I can't stand it and I've blown everything way out of proportion. But that isn't even all of it. I have this psychotic need to be talking to someone, anyone, at all times. Because I can't tolerate being alone. I can't stand being stuck in my head with nothing but my thoughts because it's fucking painful. So I turn into this crazy person who starts throwing a fucking fit like a 2 year old when someone takes too long to respond, or doesn't want to hang out or whatever the case may be.. simply because I can't stand being alone with myself. And then when I piss them off, or upset them or whatever... I wonder why. And I turn it so it's all their fault.. when it isn't. It's me. It's always me. I'm fucking bat shit crazy, and I have no idea how to stop.

Every time I'm talking to someone, or someone doesn't message me or whatever... I start to panic. And I feel it coming, and I try to tell myself it'll be okay, it isn't a big deal, I can handle it. But I can't. And it isn't. That isn't right. I should be able to be alone. I should be able to not be talking to someone all the time. I should be able to sit in total silence, and be okay with it. But I can't. Music always has to be playing, and I always need to talk to someone, even if it's just some bullshit conversation about... celery, who gives a fuck as long as someone is talking to me. But how can someone always be talking to me, when I piss everyone off about every other day. And I chalk it up to they're too damn sensitive...but no. I just need to learn when to shut my fucking mouth and not say whatever stupid fucking thing pops into my psychotic head. I'm a giant ball of insecurity and crazy, and it's fucked up. I hate it.

On another note, I got a new kitten! His name is Mittens! Here is a video of him and Puck playing.

They're so damn cute. That was like day two. Puck was not happy. He's gotten used to him though. I've decided that Mittens isn't really mine, he's Puck's. Seriously, Mittens is the lowest maintenance cat I have ever had, and that is all because of Puck I'm sure. Puck plays with him, cleans him, everything. Every once in a while, I'll see Mittens and put my hand by the ground wiggle my fingers and call to him and he bounds over to me all purring and cute, and I snuggle and pet him, then he sees Puck, struggles to get free and I put him down. He bounds over to Puck, who usually grabs him and starts biting him. haha. It's cute. And he likes his tummy rubbed.. which is weird. I've never had a cat that liked that, but that's how I got him to like me. He was Farrel. One of our feral cats had four kittens, and I brought that one in. Only took a few hours to calm him down though and he's good now. My cats, two perfect little balls of love. <3

I really wish everything didn't hurt so much. Every time something happens, or rather, I piss someone off, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. A few nights ago I said something really fucking stupid to someone... and I spent the next four hours bawling my eyes out and feeling like I was going to vomit. That isn't natural. And then today, I had to go and be all stupid with someone else, and now I want to die. I did before too, but tonight I went too far. It isn't so bad, he'll still talk to me.. but I'm mad at him. He hurt my feelings. And the fucked up part is I set myself up for it. I asked for it even. And I don't know how bad it is, probably not as bad as I think but I doubt things will be the same. They never are after I open my fucking mouth. That's two, in just a few days. And a few weeks ago, there were another two. One of which still kind of speaks to me, the other who hasn't spoken to me since, and I deserve that I really do.  It throws me when anyone talks to me period. So when they stop I really shouldn't ever be shocked. I can't stand me, so why would anyone else?

I wish I could talk to guys like I talk to my friends. And that it could be at least somewhat the same. My friends that are girls, I say stupid shit but not to the degree that I do with guys, and they just kind of let it roll off, or they laugh or whatever, and I don't feel like I need to be careful. But guys, I have to be careful because I'm fucking crazy. And just the fact that they have a penis seems to magnify my crazy like whoa. Why? Why is it different at all? I'm so sick of me.

I think I know what it is. I'm so starved for attention and affection, the slightest prospect of any of that makes me totally lose my shit, and then I fuck up any hope what so ever without even trying. Occasionally I'll realize I'm being bat shit crazy, but do I stop? No, because it makes me feel worse, and then I act worse. I really need to learn to get that shit under control. I need to just....be different. Or be someone else. I've been trying, so hard. Just to act like a normal person, and occasionally I can, but those moments are so few and far between that I just... ugh. I don't know. Maybe I should take up drugs. I'm actually kind of shocked I haven't before. With all the bullshit that goes through my head on a daily basis you'd think I'd be eager as hell to do anything at all to make it shut up for just a few fucking minutes. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. :(

Brandi

I can't get my feet up off the edge, I kinda like the little rush you get when you're standing close to death like when you're driving me crazy. Hold on as we crash into the earth, a bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real, cuz you are driving me crazy. Bite your lips your words are robbery, do you grin inside? You're killing me.

 Blink 182 - After Midnight

So things aren't so bad. If you'd have asked me last week or even a few days ago if I thought I'd feel better today, I'd have laughed in your face. I just don't get over things that fast. But I think I did. I'm over it. Crazy right? I guess that means it wasn't what I thought. Then again most things aren't. Everything always seems so doom and gloom and end of the world when it happens, and it's rarely as bad as it feels. But that's just me. Everything always has to be so extreme with me, it's annoying. I'm sure it doesn't do much for anyone else either.

I can't figure out for the life of me, why/how anyone could ever like me even slightly. It always feels like they're faking it. Because they'd have to be, right? I'm really not an easy person to be around, or even be friends with due to the fact that I'm just down right psychotic sometimes. How the hell did Jon stay married to me? Ugh don't answer that, I don't care. I don't know how I did it.. lol. And that's part of the problem.

I can't say being married to him was all bad though. He did help me a little. On some level the complete lack of affection, or niceness was good for me. It allowed me to learn distance. But it also turned me cold. I've never been this cold. I always cared how other people felt, or if it was my fault someone was in pain. Somewhere between getting married and now, I lost that. Not completely though apparently. The last few days, I care. And that's saying something. Maybe I'm finally getting back to someone that's actually me, and not who I thought Jon wanted me to be. Which I was never really all that good at anyway. None of that made sense did it? Oh well.

So, Blink 182 has a new CD. It came out the end of last year, and honestly I hated it the first time I heard it. And now I can't get enough of it. I must have just listened to it the first time when I wasn't in the mood for new stuff. Who knows. I change my mind entirely too much. Makes my own head spin.

On another note, that I semi touched on a few paragraphs back, Brandi feels good. More like, Brandi has new things to focus on. Focus is good. Then again it's also insanely unhealthy the way I do it. It at the very least borders on obsessing. Who am I kidding, it is obsessing. I hate myself for admitting that, but it's the truth. It makes me feel crazy, but good at the same time. I know that it's bad, and the probability that it'll blow up in my face horribly is high. But for now, it's nice. And the fact that I've managed to function and act like a semi-normal human being is nice too. Despite the crap that goes through my head constantly and makes me worry I'm going to do or say something awful. And I will, eventually. My reserve will falter, and it'll be done before I even realize it. Then I'll be crushed. Because that's how this cycle works.

But who knows, I could be wrong. It's happened before. Maybe for once, the calm reservations I have are real. Maybe I'll be able to keep control of myself. Maybe it won't blow up in my face and something good will come of it eventually. Maybe something without the extremes. Maybe something that can help me stay... okay. Maybe this won't end badly. God I hope so.

I am freezing. Seriously, it's really fucking cold in here. I cannot feel my toes. And on that note, I quit. Until next time people.

Brandi

Even if this chemistry's catastrophe, I don't give a fuck.

Breathe Carolina - I.D.G.A.F.

So, I deleted the last four posts I did. I don't really remember why but eh. And honestly I'm a little pissy at the moment and don't really feel like doing this but whatever.

So I went to therapy yesterday because for some reason I thought it might help my general lack of being able to keep things together this week. I was wrong. It was totally pointless. So I guess I was right before when I said I don't need the therapy anymore.

Also, I'm having nightmares again. I was having really pleasant but sad dreams for like two fucking weeks... and then back to nightmares. I took a nap earlier.. and woke up drenched in sweat and completely freaked out. I hate those ones the most.. the ones that make you sweat. Because then you wake up freaked out, and wet. It isn't fun. And now I'm pissy.

On the upside, after all that crap (that you no longer know about because I deleted the post) with my arm, I haven't been hungry. As soon as my arm started to get bad, my appetite went away completely, and even though its healed it hasn't come back. I'm nearly never hungry, and when I am absolutely nothing sounds good. So when I do eat it's usually just a few bites of something and I'm done. If that isn't helpful, I don't know what is. I'm hopeful it's not healed or something, and I'm going to die soon. That'd be good. There is still a rather large knot under the skin...doesn't hurt or anything but eh. I'm not going back to the doctor. Fuck that. Mom practically had to drag me to the car to get me to go when I did. lol. She kinda just grabbed the keys and was all "come on. we're going to the E.R." and I'm all "the fuck we are..." and then she gives the mom "you'll do what I say or I'll kick your ass" look, and I said fine and we left. I wish I hadn't gone. I should have just waited until Monday and called my doctor. Surely it would have been fine until then. At least it would have saved me a lot of stress this week. And the week before for that matter, but especially this week.

So I bought this gaba stuff, it's a vitamin that's supposed to help me stay calm. It does help to an extent but I was kind of hoping for happy or feel nothing, and that's only the case when my stress isn't that high. Otherwise the stuff is pointless and just makes me jittery on top of stressed. Admittedly, there was a semi fight that I stayed slightly calmer than I ordinarily would have. My rational thinking was a TINY bit better than usual. But whatever. Not enough.

So Dwight was weed eating this morning and found our cat's kittens under Michael's box thing. I wanted to keep one, I named him Sam. But he's a little too young to be away from his mother so I put him back after packing him around for like an hour. (he's about five weeks)... anyway apparently my niece was over earlier while I was napping, and went to see them... they're gone. That's just fucking fantastic. I'll probably never see him again. And he was really cute. But oh well I guess, Puck didn't like him anyway. He didn't smack at him or anything, just smelled him for a long time and then Sam meowed and Puck starts freaking out and hissing lol.  It was kind of humorous.

Anyway I don't really have anything to say...

Brandi

If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maroon 5 - Payphone

This weekend was pretty damn awesome. I went to Georgetown for Austin and Hayden's birthday part at Blue Hole... Which honestly didn't sound even slightly appealing due to the fact that.... well there are things living in that water and that scares the hell out of me. So originally I'd planned on just tanning. But I got in the water almost right away... and it was pretty awesome. I really like swimming where I can't touch, and I don't get tired swimming very easily so I did it nearly all day without really needing to hold on to anything because I'm just that awesome. haha.

Also, Amber and Stephen's roommate type person, is a CRAZY amount of hot. Nice too. But seriously.... very very very hot. I like his facial expressions... as weird as that sounds. lol. He's like... one of those people you can have a complete conversation with, without ever opening your mouth. The facial expression conversations. Lol.... yeah I'm annoying myself even, talking about this soooo....

I need to find a new job. I didn't get the one at the jail, but I knew I wasn't going to so when it happened I wasn't really upset. I need to get out of Whitney. There is nothing here. Waco, Temple, or Georgetown would be nice. Waco puts me closer to Becky, so I'd probably get to hang out with her more. Temple puts me between Amber and the boys and Becky so it'd be just as easy to see both... and Georgetown puts me closer to Amber and the boys. All good options. Just need to find a job, a good job with high pay...and vacation time. It has been two years since I've left this stupid state or even just had a significant amount of time off without having to beg for it. And even when I did get time off it wasn't for me. It was a day or two here and there from getting sick, and a three day trip to Georgetown when Amber was having crisis. I need time off :(. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. I don't really have anything else to say. I need to move. lol.

Brandi

Blessed by your genetics, you possess a certain aesthetic charm. But something's diconnected and you're quite capable of causing harm. Your malice is volcanic, your insecurity titanic, your mood is always manic and I do suppose this masquerade's become a habit.

Eve 6 - Pick Up The Pieces.

So I heard some of Eve 6's new music the other day. I really love Victoria, and this song, Pick up the pieces. They're really great. But I've always loved Eve 6.

So things have been really good. I didn't win the lottery, but that's okay because other really great things have happened. I might have a job at the Mclennan county jail.. (I really really hope so) and that would be amazing. But on top of that, apparently my car insurance had been over charging me for the past 3 years and I got a 500 dollar check from them, which went for new tires for my car. It was pretty epic. Things really are great. I just feel better. I've not had a REALLY bad day in a long time. I have annoyances but they don't last too long. I actually almost feel like a normal person even. And that's really amazing.

Also, I quit therapy roughly a month ago. I don't think I need it anymore. And I've been doing really great without it so I guess I wasn't wrong. :)

The only thing really that's been not so good, Puck got sick. But he's better now so that's good. Only apparently he gave whatever he had to my brother in laws old ass cat Buster, who's like 18 years old. I'm gonna feel like crap if he dies. But I did tell Michael that Puck was sick. There's no justifying it, if Buster dies, it's my fault. Also, I'm stressing a bit about that job because I really want it. Also I'm evidently the town pariah now. lol. But that last part I'm not really worried about. I literally don't care at all.

So I'm sure you'll all be thrilled to death to know that with my new found feeling betterness, I've also sworn off men. I really don't see the point of them. They're warm... and they can be nice. But honestly, no man has ever really been THAT nice to me. And I see now reason to put up with their bullshit anymore. I don't need anyone but me. And I'm finding, that realization is helping me a LOT to feel better. Who the hell needs them. I'm just going to worry about me, and move on with life. Because I feel like I've been asleep for 25 years, and I've finally woken up. And it feels amazing.

I don't regret marrying Jon. I think in a way, it was probably the best move I've ever made. I hurt him, and he hurt me. And I know that it was probably total hell for him all the time. But for me... It woke me up. I see things more clearly now. I know what needs to be done, and I'm doing it. I gained a sense of responsibility that I really needed and I'm on my way to starting my life, which should have been started a LONG time ago. It's cool though, better late than never right? I am a little lonely, but it's bearable. I can handle it. Because I know that soon enough everything will fall into place, and I won't have time to be lonely.

I can't really think of anything else to say. Things are really great. Puck is getting better, I might have an awesome new job, I found tremendous new music, my parents are being nice to me, everything is good. I feel like I'm almost where I'm supposed to be.

Oh! And Becky is engaged!!! Congratulations Becky! I'm so happy for you :-D! Her ring is so pretty too. I wish her all the happiness in the world.

Well I need to go to bed. Night! <3

Brandi

Even now as I write this down, all pretentions disappear. Now our impulses will bite at the ankles of our fear. So swallow the knife, carve the way for your pride. Now our hands are tied, the problems lie within, so we pray for night, to start over again.

Swallow the Knife - Story of the Year

Awesome song. I love Story of the Year. Seattle is so pretty ^_^

Sooo I have a few things to talk about, I didn't think I did which is why I hadn't written but I thought of them. :)

My birthday turned out pretty dang awesome. I had an interview that morning (I didn't get the job but that's cool), then Becky took me to the zoo! I love the zoo, it was a LOT of fun. Becky's the best :-D. Then I came home and mommy made me tacos and we had cake and ice cream. I thought I'd be a total mess after then, but I actually feel pretty dang good. My back is killing me but other than that, no complaints :)

So Steve (the new therapist) and I went over my "diagnosis" because HE hadn't officially made one for me. He first said he didn't think I'm a borderline, but pulled out the DSM-IV book thingy with diagnosis' in them and we went over it. He asked what I knew/had been told about it, and I told him, no one that'd ever given me that diagnosis had gone over it with me, everything I got, I got from online. So we went over it, and although I do meet at least 5 of the 9 criteria, he told me I'm the mildest borderline he'd ever met. He said usually, they frustrate from the very beginning and they're uncooperative..but I'm not. He told me he hasn't been frustrated with me at all, and I'm incredibly cooperative. And my ability to stay calm in public, is unheard of for a borderline generally speaking. so yay me! So.. his words were "IF you are a borderline, you're a very mild case." yay me! lol... He also said that I may have been worse in the past (which I was), but that I'd done a pretty good job of working through and recognizing things I was doing that were bad, and controlling it. sooo in other words, I'm not as crazy as anyone thought! HAH! So that was good news ;).

On another note, I'm moving to Washington. How, you ask? I'm incredibly poor, you say? I'm going to win the lottery. I can feel it in my BONES. Yes, I'm aware the odds of that are seriously against me, but I can feel it. I'm going to win. And it's going to be epic. :D yay me again!

On a slightly more negative note, my back is killing me. lol. I don't know what I did. I was showing mom something on her computer, and I turned my head to look at her, and WAM! It felt like someone had literally stabbed me in the back. It hurts to move, breath, anything. So Brandi went to the doctor. He said I just pulled a muscle, and gave me an anti inflammatory, and a muscle relaxer, and it was helping yesterday but I think I just felt so out of it I didn't care that it hurt. Not the case today. Today it hurts pretty bad again. That or my tolerance level is going, and I'm tired of being in pain. Which ever the case, it can stop at any time now because Brandi doesn't like it. lol.

I've been in a pretty good mood lately though. Nothing is really bringing me down. I got a little pissy a few nights ago because of my back, and darkness, and spiders but it's all good. I say pissy, I started bawling like a freakin baby lol. So stupid. But I was tired, and I wanted to go to sleep and there were spiders in the way, and no lights, and I'd forgotten my spider stick. Was pretty awful.

Ewww I saw a SNAKE the other day. I went to church on Sunday, and after I took a diet pepsi to my mom out at Thousand Trails, and when I was leaving there was this long slithery snake on the road, slithering FAST away... it was creepy. I hate snakes.

I can't wait to be back in Seattle. I'm SO excited. It's gonna be epic and awesome, and everything good. yaaaay!

And I can't say what, but congrats to a friend on happy news! I'm sooooo happy for you! yay!

Here are a few pics from the zoo, I haven't gotten to editing all of them yet, but here are a few!

Brandi

Some call love a curse, some call love a theif, but she's my home. And she's as much apart for this broken heart, but see broken bones they always seem to mend.

Angus & Julia Stone - The Devil's Tears

So It's Saturday, and I'm home....in my room... alone. As usual. Geez I'm exciting. ;-)
Buuut Becky and I are going to the zoo on Wednesday for my b-day! YAY!!! I freaking love the zoo! I guess that day probably won't be so bad after all :). Unless it rains.... it always rains on my b-day. Every year. I shit you not. But I'm going into work early on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then leaving about 11 Wednesday to go to Waco and go to the zoooooo! wooo!!! I can't wait! I'm gonna get some awesome damn pictures! God I can't wait! And theeennn we're coming back here cuz my moms makin TACOS! I love tacos! :) and cake and ice cream and whatever lol. But Tacos! and Zoo! How could that not be an awesome day!?

On another note, I'm bored. And lonely as HELL. I exorcised today! Like a lot...until it made me feel sick... I actually threw up haha. I'm sure that's not good but I'll get used to it probably. I've gotta get this weight off. I'm so sick of it. Lol... and yet I intend to eat tacos on Wednesday.. haha. They're so good though. I'm hoping exorcising like a bandit will counter act my occasional slip on eating really bad things lol. It was cool though... when it started to hurt, I just went harder! That's what ur supposed to do right? I have no idea. lol.

So I think I've decided I wanna be a freelance photographer. I'm not really sure what to do to do that though so I need to research. I went out Thursday and took a bunch of pictures, and I'll do it again at the zoo on Wednesday. But mom was looking over them and said a few of them would make good puzzles...lol weird. But since I made that decision, I keep seeing a ton of things I wanna take pictures of. Like "oh the light is hitting that PERFECTLY, wish I had my camera with me!" lol too bad I'm pretty sure that doesn't pay well.

Still no luck finding another job. I'm still looking though, there has to be SOMEONE who will at the very least give me an interview. I have damn good experience damn it! My resume is AWESOME. Anyone would be lucky to hire me. I have my crazy, but I usually keep it in check at work. And if I actually have things to do, it's all good. I start working and everything else goes away. I like working. :-) .. I don't particularly like getting up for work, but once I'm there I'm usually good. haha. I want a job that means something. That's important. You know?

Oh! Random fact.. Uncle Eli texted me today. My uncle I lived with in Alaska. I hadn't spoken to him in YEARS... it was weird.. and random. And very slightly upsetting. Not anything he said It just made me think about things. bah. It was nice to know he's still alive though.

Anyway, I don't really have anything else to say. Next time I post I'll be 25! lol weird. Here's a few of the pictures I took Thursday, the one at the top is one too...

Brandi

You look darkly on the day, with memories to light your way. A little sad but it's alright, we are always living in twilight. No one knocks upon your door, until you don't care anymore. A little alone but it's alright, we are always living in twilight.

Living in Twilight - The Weepies

So, apparently I'm not losing my therapy next week like I thought. I'm covered until I turn 26, not 25 thankfully. I've got to be the only person in the world who dreads their birthday... I hate it almost as much as I hate Christmas. I'm not really sure why, except I know it's going to suck. My therapist says I should really stop doing that... the whole.. future prediction thing. Apparently I don't know what's going to happen at anytime...but I do. I know it's going to suck. Because everyday sucks. The difference is, it's going to suck more because I'm more aware of it on my birthday, because it isn't supposed to suck. Does that even make sense? eh..whatever. Why does it have to fall on a Wednesday? Don't get me wrong, there's really no difference in it falling then than on a weekend, except I can't spend the day hiding in my room bawling because I have to work. Stupid day. I can't wait til it's over. I'm hoping I'll feel better when it's done. *sighs*.

So Jon texted me this morning. He told me I'm like a stranger, and he feels like he's never even met me. I get it. I feel the same way...about me and everyone else. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure I ever really did. I just feel so bad all the time I don't really know what to do with it. And subsequently, I feel like I don't know anyone else either. Everything feels wrong. I feel so crazy disconnected from everything/everyone... Almost like nothing is real. Like I'm not real...

I've also kind of turned into a man hater. lol. I don't know what it is... they just ALL irritate the hell out of me without even trying. Every word just grates on me because it's so STUPID...even when it isn't. The only thing I seem to be able to think when someone of the opposite sex tries to talk to me is "uuuugh SHUT UP GOD!" I know that's bad. Especially since no one's really done anything or whatever... I'm just angry I guess. But I'm not really sure why.

I'm still hoping I'll die before next Wednesday. I know that's asking a lot. And I'm not that lucky... but I can hope right? I think I'm through wishing I'll feel okay. Jon was right when he said he couldn't see me ever being happy. It just isn't in the cards for me. And that's okay I suppose. As long as this doesn't last much longer. Because I don't know how much more I can take. Nothing bad is happening... my brain just won't shut up. I feel awful. If it's possible to feel claustrophobic without being in a small space... that's how I feel. And it hurts, a lot.

Brandi

Jinx me something crazy, thinking if it's three then I'm as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back. It's too bad it's not my style, if you need me i'm out and on the parkway. Patient and waiting for headlights dressed in a fasion thats feeding to the inconsistancies of my moods. It's times like these when silence means everything, and no one is to know about this.

Taking Back Sunday - Ghost Man on Third

They're first album was so good... kinda went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, I like some of their newer stuff... but the first was definitely the best by far.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel so empty...hopeless....pointless. I know I just need to go to bed, but I'm so tired of sleeping. I'm so tired of everything. I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't fix this. I'm not in control of anything it seems. Self sabotage.. I'm pretty good at that. Hell, I'm an expert. But I feel like I'm being pushed towards the edge of a cliff, and I can't make it stop. Life keeps happening, and I can't even slow it down, I don't know what to do. I'm gonna be 25 in 18 days, and I can't stop it. Why would I want to right? It's only 25.... because I'm nowhere. Nothing. I thought I'd have things figured out by the time I turned 25... that things would finally be okay because how long could things possibly stay so bad.. but I was wrong. There's no way I can fix everything that's still broken in 18 days. And I'm losing my health insurance in 18 days too...which means no more therapy for Brandi. I don't know what I'm going to do.

The only thing I've accomplished, in the last 25 years.... I got married, and separated. That's it. I'm having a hell of a time finding another job. I still live with my parents. And I'm a part time secretary, that cries herself to sleep most nights, and is excellent at self sabotage. What am I supposed to do with that??? What am I supposed to do period?! I'm about to be shoved off the cliff and I can't find a single life line. Why do I do this to myself? How did I even get here?? I tried so hard, I kept moving, searching, for anything. And when that didn't work, I stayed put, and tried to get some experience and stability. And what did that accomplish??? NOTHING. I have bills I can barely afford, and I still live with my parents. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. It's Friday night and you know what I've done since I got home from work? Not a damn thing. I watched TV with my parents. Tried to learn a little Spanish. And now I'm whining on the Internet about how sad and pathetic my life is. And now I hate myself even more.

The really messed up part?? I don't even know how to give up. I don't know how to just let things happen and not try to manipulate the outcome. I bet it'd make things easier though. Just go with it. Those words sound so foreign.

This has to stop... how can I still feel so trapped? Things feel so incredibly out of control... I really need to go to sleep. Reset..... Good night.

Brandi

I'll lead a war with no conclusion and in the final hour I'll be a confident coward. Cuz if we stand for nothing, we'll fall for anything. You're not a hero, you're a liar. You're not a savior, you're a vampire sucking the life out of all the friends you've ever known.

Heroes - All Time Low

Sooo I got a new car about two weeks ago. Its a 1998 Toyota RAV4, and I kicked Jon out a few days later. I was so insanely proud of myself. I took a friends advice, sucked it up, took control, and did what needed to be done. And I felt GREAT...until today. Even last weekend was awesome. At least more awesome than anything I usually do on the weekends (which is nothing).

Last Friday, Amber, Stephen, Austin, and Hayden were over, and a friend I hadn't seen in a LONG time came over too. It was a actually a lot of fun. Then Saturday, I decided to go to Georgetown with Amber. It was nice, wanting to go do something, and actually doing it. Usually I find an excuse not to go, or I just can't because Jon has the car. But since he's been gone, I can do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. And I really love the freedom.

I decided I was gonna do more stuff like that. I was gonna start going out again. Seeing people. Having a life... being 24. And then today I realized.....I don't have any friends. lol. I totally isolated myself. I've pissed off a TON of people lately, without even slightly caring, and honestly those that are gone, it's probably for the best... but wtf am I supposed to do now? I still need a new job because I don't have the money for the life I want.... and I'm working on that. I've been applying places like a crazy person, and following up... but no one calls back... annnd there's that little thing about not really having many friends here, and the ones I do have, are just as isolated and boring as me. lol no offence guys.

I wanna go out and DRINK... and yes, I don't drink.. but I want to! I want to be more confident and do things just because I want to. I want to not care what anyone else thinks and I think I'm doing better at it at least....

I'm tired of making excuses for things. I'm tired of being bummed out over nothing. I'm tired of avoiding my life. I want what I want, and although I'm not really sure what that is right now,  I'm fucking determined as hell to figure it out.

There was one thing I realized I wanted....but I think it was more for the game than the prize. I like a good challenge... and that would be all well and good except I realized today that there really was no prize and ergo no game. It's a lost cause. And that's depressing. Now that I think about it, maybe it wasn't just for the game. Because I think if I just got a taste of the prize, that wouldn't be enough. But It's a losing battle... there's no way I can win, not with the circumstances that are present. Not with all the confidence and positive thinking in the world. It just isn't possible.. and even if it is I'm not sure I could do it....I don't mean that like.. I can't necessarily... but I shouldn't. What if you knew, something you were doing or trying to do, should it work, could potentially ruin someone else's life. Someone you'd never even met... but still. Could you do it? I don't know that I could. Don't get me wrong... I've played a hand in ruining a few lives but I don't think I really meant to. This time.. I know what I'm doing, I know what it could mean, and even if I could..idk that I should. I have no idea if any of that made any sense but... there it is.

I'm done with group I think. I don't wanna go anymore. Monday all I could think about was how much it really wasn't helping anymore. I think I'm okay enough to go on on my own without group at least. Think I'll still with one on one for a bit longer, but I'm done with group. I need to get back to work anyway. They're starting to get a tad bitchy.

Found out today that my sister in law has cancer. What is it with this family and cancer??? On BOTH sides, and granted she isn't blood to me, but DAMN. On my moms side, grandpa, and one of my aunts had it. On my dads side, my uncle, and my dad. And now my sister in law. You've got to be kidding me? I think the world is trying to send me some sort of fucked up cosmic message that I need to watch myself. I really need to quit smoking. Lung cancer on both sides of the family... lol I'm kinda asking for it. Oh well. I don't care.

Sooo anyway.. I'm working on confidence, getting a new job, hopefully moving out, and having a real life. I'll be 25 in a month and shit needs to get together. I was kinda bummed when I started this post, but I'm feeling kinda pumped again. I can do this. Wish me luck.

Brandi