You are only coming through in waves. Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying.

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

I'm losing it. It's going to be really bad. I feel it coming. I don't know how to make it stop, I don't know when it's going to happen, but I feel it coming. Demons in the attic growling at me, things moving when they aren't.. and just this morning I watched a white tissue turn orange. I had it in my hand.. and it looked odd.. so I was just looking at it.. and it turned orange. All by itself. I don't know if I did it.. or what... but yeah. That's.... that's not good. I can't breathe... I can't concentrate, or pay attention to important things. People are talking but it doesn't make any sense. And every time I try to explain something to someone or need to get something done, and they don't understand I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry anyway. My brain won't shut up.. everything is too fast and I feel like I'm going to explode. Everything is foggy but there's too much of it. There's too much going on and I just.. I can't. I'm like one more thing from snapping completely. I can't sleep, or I sleep too much. I'm so tired but I wake up sweating like 230482934823 times a night and watch the shadows move around my room. What the hell is going on!? I've been shaking for days.. I feel... high? but not good high like... that cartoon.. with the coffee patches... like that only instead of happy high like she is it's... I can't handle anything everything is desperate. Like a rabid animal with juuuuust enough of their brain left to keep from totally snapping. but it's coming. There's just too much and all I wanna do is curl into a ball and everything just... go away. I just want it all to go away. I have to go to my 2nd job tonight.. and I don't even know how I'm handling the first one. I need it to stop... please someone make it stop. I'm scared and it hurts and I can't handle it. :(

Brandi

Don't you see? Don't you see? That the charade is over. And all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards go to you. So kiss me hard, cuz this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday.

Dashboard Confessional - Best Deceptions

I... I'm broken. I should have taken my own advice. I knew how this was going to go. I knew what was going to happen. But is that why? Because I was negative and "predicted" what would happen and made it that way just because I'm so negative? No, I don't think so. This was always how it was going to be. You'd think I would have been more prepared for it. Because that's just how it works. Every time. This is only the 2nd time it's been so intense though. Maybe that's what makes it worse.

I wish I could be more like a guy. Every guy I've met recently.. they're so guarded. So unwilling to let anything hurt them. Their hearts are clad in steel cages, nothing will get through. Why can't I do that? Why am I always so willing to let things happen? Why do I keep letting things hurt me? I have about a 30 second guard.. and once I decide I like something, all bets are off... my heart is like a raw exposed nerve and I'm just setting myself up. I keep coming back for more. As if once wasn't enough. How could I let this happen again? And at this point I'm not even sure what hurts more... that it happened again, or that I let it go far enough to hurt this much. I'm so insanely naive. I should have taken the words to heart and disregarded everything else. It hurt but not this much. Because this time I need to accept it's the end and move on with my life. I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of having to do this crap. I'm tired of feeling like this. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna work two jobs to just barely survive. I don't wanna be in love. I don't wanna exist. What am I even doing??? I don't even know why I bother with about 99% of the shit I do. I'm never going to be happy... I mean seriously. When have I ever been before? What is the point of going through all of this? I'm not learning anything, clearly. What good could possibly come from this? What good has come from ANYTHING I've had to deal with this far? I need to just accept that I'm stupid, and stop making my own decisions. I mean.. I try not to make my own decisions anyway, but it's mostly the little stuff I let other people decide for me, and ultimately I still go off whatever I think... I just like opinions. But I think from now on.. I should give other people total control of my life, because apparently I'm not doing it right. Or maybe I'll kill myself. I'm running out of reasons not to, and at this point I don't even care if it hurts. I'm so tired.

I've been sick for like a week too. Coughing so much my back is killing me. Maybe it'll turn into pneumonia and I won't have to do anything. Maybe I can get sick and die. :(

Loving you, isn't the right thing to do. How can I ever change things that I feel? If I could maybe I'd give you my world. How can I? When you won't take it from me.

You Can Go Your Own Way (Originally Fleetwood Mac) Covered by Lissie.

You ever have something... and you know you need to let it go. You know you should give up and get on with your life... but you can't? Because what if you do... and then things change, and you can't go back because you're so fucked in the head that once you give up on something, it's totally gone. Or maybe whatever it is, isn't letting you fully give up, but you don't have it in you to verbalize that. Because you don't want it to go. Because it's what's making life worth living at the moment. And you know that it's wrong, and it's hurting you... but it also makes you feel alive. Sometimes that's what the pain does. Sometimes it's debilitating and awful... and other times it makes you feel alive and is what keeps you going. What if letting go means hating the thing you care about so much right now. Because it's the only way TO let go... because you haven't found another way to do it yet. What if you can't hate it. What if you're in love with it. What if it keeps doing and saying things that give you hope, and part of you believes things will change... but the logical part of you is saying you need to just let go, because you're reading too far into things again and setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain that can be handled. Your brain keeps screaming to stop because you can't do this... but your heart skips when you see him and then beats faster. The heart takes over... and when he's around... the rest of the world is gone. Nothing matters. All the things that bother you and stress you out, melt away when he looks into your eyes. Everything just... stops. Just like you need to.

So I got a 2nd job. I start tomorrow night. It's 11pm -7am 2 to 3 nights a week. Good times. That's going to seriously mess with my sleeping schedule. That means, 11pm to 7am I'm at work, then I go home, and get ready for 9am to 2pm work, then sleep from about 2pm to 9pm, and get ready for work. I think my working out time just lost a lot of time. And that sucks. Have I mentioned how much I REALLY don't want to do this? Well, I don't. I like my one job. I don't want another one. But I don't have a choice, much like most things.

I suddenly want a beer. That's so weird... I don't even like beer. Meh, whatever. I don't have anything else to say lol. See ya.

Brandi