The Tide - The Spill Canvas
So I just sat down here to write this, and my pants ripped. Lol... But i'm not really sure how? Those pants were like 4 times too big for me.. to the point I literally had to hold them up when I walked or they'd fall off. Not just sag down... fall OFF. Oh well, I can use the material for something. They're plaid lol. I'm a little worried now that they already had a hole and I've been walking around all day with a huge hole in the ass of my pants. o.0 lol oh well I guess. If so, the people around me are dicks for not mentioning it. Lol. oh and by "my pants ripped" I don't mean a little. The entire ass ripped out. Lol. It scared the hell out of me.
Anyway, I didn't really have anything to say. I generally don't, but I'm sure I'll think of something to ramble on about. I just got off my period. I'm sure you really wanted to know that but it is in fact, significant. Usually, I'm a little testy BEFORE I start... but once I do, I'm fine. It's actually usually my most sane week of the month. Not this time. It really kicked my ass emotionally. I was bitchy before it started and once I did actually start I all but lost complete control for DAYS. I'm glad it's over though. I'm feeling much more sane now. I actually started crying at one point because I was overwhelmed with emotion but I couldn't tell which emotions it was. I dreamt last night, that I could show people how I felt by touching them and focusing on it. But I only showed mom. She said something to me in the dream, and I go "just.. look" and touched her arm, and she like fell to the ground crying hysterically. But the odd part was, in the dream, I wasn't feeling that bad. I felt like I normally do. Which isn't by any means good, it's more like.. numb. I feel numb a lot. I'm not complaining. I need to be numb for a while. I've been being too... clingy and lovey and crap lately. I need to turn that shit off. It makes people uncomfortable. The only way I know how to do that though is to turn off all emotion... I can do it. but it isn't easy.. and it's even harder to turn back on because it tends to FLOOD back in. I don't know why I can't just find a happy medium that everyone can be okay with. I don't want to be cold. =( but.. I'm gonna have to I guess. Cold turns to resentment, which turns to hate, which is a feeling, a strong one at that... and then I'm flooded and totally freak out and lose my shit. Sounds like a party. Can't wait. I can tell you exactly how this is going to go. I'm not at all comfortable with it. This is going to end REALLY badly. *sighs*. But what can ya do? Ya know?
So mom fell yesterday, again. She sprained her ankle... you'd think she had it amputated. Lol. I know it hurts and she's old and fragile.. and I'm babying her like you wouldn't believe, but she's such a baby. Lol. She's never like that with me. I spend my afternoon downstairs, getting things for her and what-not.. generally being nice and taking care of her. She doesn't do that shit for me. If I get sick I get " you're the sickliest kid I've ever met in my life." Once, I fell off the side walk and was laying in the grass crying because my ankle hurt.. she comes out "Oh Jesus Christ Brandi, get up and quit fucking crying." -_- .. thanks mom. Lol. And usually when she has to take me to ER it's a HUGE deal... although the last 2 times she took me she was nice. Once with that thing under my arm and she FORCED me to go... but I think she thought I was going to die with that one lol.. which.. I could have. And the last time, I called her at 6am because I had a massive migraine I couldn't get rid of and she came and got me and took me to the ER for a shot, and then she got me breakfast lol. Usually she gets mad about migraines.. but apparently that's because I used to start screaming at the top of my lungs and crying... I realize now that it's counter productive.. but the shit HURTS. I still tend to cry, but it's more like... silent sobs now.. lol with my face covered to keep from seeing light. Anyway, I love that woman. I really wish she'd stop falling. She's so fragile, she's really going to hurt herself one of these days :(... not to mention she whines about it FOREVER. At least she didn't break it. She usually breaks things. Ribs, ankles, wrist, toes... at least now I know where I got the clumsy from.. but I've never broken anything. Sprained things badly... like my knee, ankles and wrists.. but nothing broken. My bones are really strong apparently, despite the fact that I don't drink milk....ever.
I've decided I want another kitty. But I'm being a little picky. I think I may go adopt one from the Humane Society, but I dunno yet. If so it'll be with the check after next because this one is already gone, even though I don't have it yet. Isn't that how it goes? Lol. But I think Puck needs a sister.. =D ...or a brother.. but I think I'd rather get a girl this time. I haven't had a girl cat in a long time.. mostly because I don't like girl cats but meh. Maybe I'll find the perfect one for us at the Humane Society. :) I love cats.
So I have a bit of an issue, I'm not sure what to do about. I don't really want to talk about it... but I don't want to deal with it either. I mean I do... because I'd like it to not be an issue... but I don't think it's something I can fix. I think it's something I'm just going to have to watch and see what happens. I really don't like doing that. I don't like letting things happen. I like knowing. Or being able to anticipate.. and that just isn't an option here. I have no idea what's going to happen. I really hate surprises. And life really likes to throw those at me. Lol... and usually not good ones. But I mean... I'm not a fortune teller.. maybe something good will happen. In fact.. I'm wrong about.. oh let's say 40% of the time. Lol. At least when it comes to my life. I can usually predict what will happen with other people's lives.. but not so much with my own. I can almost always count on negative, but it's been pretty positive lately. I've been positively wrong. Lol. Those instances aren't too bad... But I'm a little scared of how this will turn out, and how long it's going to take to blow up in my face. Because I'm sure it will eventually. I know that's negative as hell, but I just don't have good luck when it comes to these types of things. Anyway, I'm rambling now, so I shall go.
Brandi
