Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start.

Avicii - Wake Me Up

I wouldn't say I forgave him...because I haven't. But we're trying again. I don't trust him. But I love him. I can't even describe how badly that hurt. The situation is over, to him. I apparently took it way too hard and blew it up a lot. I don't think so. But I don't feel like I have an argument left. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if he makes good on his word to make it right. I don't think he will. Things are falling nicely back to how they were. Him mostly ignoring me during the week. Me being irritated by it, although more so now because I feel he should be like.. you know... trying. I don't like the way I feel today. I'm angry today, but also depressed. I'm not even really sure why, I mean sure that stuff bothers me but not as much as it did. I don't feel like I have a fight anymore in that department. But today I... I kind of feel like I'm going to... I don't know. I just really want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Christmas is next Wednesday. I couldn't care less. Plus it's warmed up, so it doesn't feel like it anymore. Thus is Texas. I'm not even looking forward to all the time off I get in the next 2 weeks. I mean, sleeping in will be nice but I'm doing pretty good to still be up at 9 lately. I was pretty sick for a while... a cold or the flu or something, then a stomach bug. Right on top of each other. Then the DAY I was feeling better from my bug... 5 am, period hits, worst. cramps. ever. FML. Oh, but that isn't all. Nightmares. Every night, for nearly a month now. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. that includes naps as well. Aren't I getting a little old for that? Aren't they supposed to stop at some point? I'm not a child anymore. I'm almost 30 for God sake. 

I'm almost 30. I'm wasting my life. I seriously have nothing to show for nearly 30 years. I live with my parents. I'm paying astronomically on a car that's a 1998. I'm not married. I don't have, and never will have, kids. I have nearly more bills than I have income, and nothing really to show for that even. I don't even have health insurance. My bed is broken. My glasses are WAY out of prescription. My car needs new tires. I can't fix any of that. I'm doing good to keep groceries in my fridge, and I don't even have that about 75% of the time. I have a boyfriend, that is probably just comfortable with me. But I'm about.. oh let's say 70% sure that's never going to actually go anywhere. Because I don't think he'll ever REALLY love me. And to top all that off? I have SEVERE emotional problems. Trust me, it's worse than I let on by a lot. I've just learned to hide at least some of it. I try, I really do. I'm just not sure what the point is. I don't feel like I'm ever really going to get anywhere, and to be totally honest, I'm tired of trying. I wish I didn't care about anything. I want to be one of those people. But I'm not. I do care. Probably too much. But God I really wish I didn't. Things would be so much easier if I could just go "oh well" and move on to everything. But I can't. I'm incapable of letting go. But I really am tired of trying. Because everything just backs me into a corner. Over and over and over again. The same damn corner, at that. It hurts. Everything hurts. So much. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is ever good enough. I'm never good enough. Nothing I do, is ever good enough. *sighs*. I'm so tired. =(

Brandi

You ain't worth another sleepless night. And I'll do everything I gotta do to get ya off my mind. Cause what you wanted I couldn't give. What you did boy, I'll never forget. And you left me standing on a corner crying. Feeling like a fool for trying. I don't even remember why I wasted all these tears on you. I wish I could erase our memories, cause you didn't give a damn about me.

Cassadee Pope - Wasting All These Tears

I wish I was through with the tears. But I'm afraid that part is just beginning. I was numb for a while so the tears really only happened when I tried to sleep, thus rendering sleep futile. Until today. Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day when the thoughts came without me realizing it. Why? How could you? I trusted him with everything. I couldn't believe it... but I had the proof. It was the only thing I would have never been prepared for and now I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. The words don't make sense in my head...though it's really starting to sink it. It's true. It wasn't a nightmare. Well, it was.. but it was the real life kind. The ones you can't wake up from. I figured he'd probably hurt me eventually. I was prepared for that. But not like this. I wasn't prepared for this. It hurts so much. And I'm sick on top of it.. and I keep getting worse. Probably from stress. Also I don't care if I get better. I can't catch a break. One thing after another. There's barely even a week between the new hell's I have to deal with. What the HELL is going on?!?! Why??? What did I do!?!?! Why can't the world just leave me alone?! Pick on someone else!!! I can't take anymore. I can't. Haven't I been through enough!?! It's just a new series of bullshit every time I turn around and seriously... seriously what the hell? I've been praying.. for weeks. I'm not religious.. I'm not even sure I believe in God.. but I think if there is one he's got to be punishing me for something. I keep praying that things will get better. That all this crap will stop. And what do I get? MORE awful. Well I'm through. Apparently no one is listening. I really don't think I'm going to make it through this. I feel dead inside, and when I don't feel dead... I'm devastated. It hurts to breathe. I feel like my chest is being crushed by a sledge hammer, and this time, he's the one wielding it. When before he was the one I'd turn to.

Christmas is coming. I was looking forward to it.. but now I can't think about it without crying. I wish this would all just be over. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to start over. I really loved him. I wanted a future with him. And that's saying something, because after Jon I never wanted that again, but I did. And it's gone. It's all gone. I can't keep anything. I want to die. I can't take anymore.