The Cab - Angel With A Shotgun
So last week was just awful. No kidding, I mean I knew it was going to be bad, because it started out bad. But by the middle of the week I was going "this seriously cannot get any worse." And you know what? It totally did. Blind sighted me like whoa with the amount of awful it was even. And then, when things were to my breaking point, and one more thing going wrong would have just sent me over the edge...It got better. I'll just start at Monday and work my way through the week.
Monday started off with people in my face. Odd for a Monday, but whatever. It was annoying, being as it lasted ALL day.. but I figured that'd be the only day. It wasn't. Tuesday and Wednesday weren't any better. So then, Wednesday I think. I'm trying to finish up the Newsletter to get it out. Not only did I get several EXTREMELY last minute articles (which irks me to no end because the deadline is supposed to be the 15th but NO ONE listens to that), but my computer starts giving me odd errors and crashing. I had to redo most of it like 4 times. So I'm getting just downright HOSTILE. I fought with it ALL day. And all day Thursday. But to add to it.. I was stressed about my relationship with Jason. Needlessly, I might add. Because I didn't think he loved me. But not so much that, more so that I was generally okay with it. That bothered me. Am I really so screwed up that I'm okay with someone I'm with not loving me? But I do that.. I chose the guys who I don't think like me all that much.. why? Because it's safer? So if they leave, I expected it anyway and it isn't so bad? That's all kinds of messed up. So I'm talking to mom about it... and she started bawling hysterically. Um.. okay? She tells me she needs to tell me something, and I'm going to hate her. Right away I know whatever she says I cannot react to it.. because she's fragile. I honestly wasn't expecting what she said. When I was 6, she hit me in the mouth and busted my lip. CPS showed up and shortly after I got sent to Alaska.. the first time. That is what I remember. What I don't remember, she said she was so mad at me after the cops and stuff left, she grabbed me by my shoulders and told me that she had me, but she hated me and would never love me again, and I was no longer her daughter. Then sent me away, thus confirming. I know my mom loves me. I know she does. But I can see how that would stay with me whether I remember it or not. Enough so apparently, that I don't let people get close to me. And when they try, I push them away. Or I ignore it altogether and then blame them for not caring, when they do. Probably explains why I'm so damn needy too.
Anyway, I don't remember it. But it still hurt like hell when she told me about it. But like promised to myself, I didn't react. Involuntary tears fell, and I started shaking, but my facial expression didn't change. I told her over and over it was okay, tried to console her, and finally changed the subject... to things I probably should not have changed it to, thus making it even worse. But it's okay.
So then Friday my biggest bitch was that people couldn't drive and I was over ready for the week to be over. I didn't really need a reason to be pissy at this point. I just was. So I got home and went to sleep. I woke up about 8 to my phone ringing. Jason, asking if I was hungry. He brought me food. Then hands me this cute owl halloween bag and says Happy Halloween lol. I asked why and he said "because you had a shit week." awww <3 it was a bottle of my favorite wine, a bottle of my perfume, a bag of beef jerky (yum!), and this really pretty 4 mirror thing with trees, omg it's pretty. He's so damn sweet, and I wasn't even nice to him last week. I feel bad. Lol. Poor guy... I put him through a lot. =/
Saturday we went to Waco and messed around, that was fun. Then we came back and played video games, and all day Sunday he played video games and cuddled with me. I slept on him most of the day. It was perfect. Part of what we did in Waco, we were looking for a Halloween costume for him but didn't find anything. So Sunday I asked if he'd be a wolf... Today he tells me he has a project for us.. he's totally making a wolf costume. Awwww <3 he's being a wolf for me! I'm gonna be Red Riding Hood. =) can you think of anything cuter? I can't. Lol. It's so damn sweet I feel like I could explode. Also, I got to order a new computer at work this morning, thus fixing most of last weeks issues...other than I can't really do anything important at work until the new one comes in other than like text documents. Means no bulletin cover photo or anything like that. No fliers should they need them. Yup. It's a pain but it'll be taken care of soon. But really... Jason is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He's so thoughtful and sweet. I really love him. Not just because he brings me shit... which is cool and odd, but he just... he cares. And he shows me he does all the time. I need to stop expecting him to leave... but that's easier said than done. I'm going to try harder though, to be better about that. I need to trust him and go with it. and I'll do that, or try to from now on.. and be nicer and try not to take shit out on him when it isn't his fault. Lol. I'm a jerk.
Brandi
